In A Garden
by LizD
Summary: REPOSTED by request COMPLETE 21 Chapters Picks up a year after Paraguay, no Mattie HarmMac
1. Default Chapter

Title: **In A Garden**

Chapter One: **The End**

By: LizD

Spoilers: Through Paraguay

Notes: Picks up a year after Paraguay, no Mattie

Written: January 2004

Disclaimers: No disrespect to JAG's cast, crew or creators. With love and thanks.

**In A Garden**

It ended as it began, in a garden with a handshake.

It was little AJ's fifth birthday. A milestone for any child but for the godparents it was the deadline of a silly deal made that many years ago. Harm and Sturgis stood off to the side by the rose bushes watching the children playing. They joked about how much doesn't change with boys as they grow up. Mac was helping Harriet and some of the other mothers with the cake and ice cream. From the outside it looked as if this was a normal all American scene. Rockwell should have captured it.

The admiral joined Harm and Sturgis and addressed his prodigal commander.

"Commander, your orders came in today."

"Sir," Rabb responded. He really hadn't heard what the admiral had said.

"Fallon, Nevada. It's what you asked for," the admiral challenged. Rabb was stilled to silence. He hadn't told anyone about his request for transfer and didn't think this was the place to talk about it.

"Harm?" Sturgis asked.

"They needed a legal and combat ethics instructor at Top Gun," the admiral helped. "Our commander put in for the assignment."

"And they chose you?" Sturgis smiled at the absurdity.

"Admiral Boone is back out of retirement and teaching," Rabb found his voice. "He requested that I put in for the assignment."

"Should I sign the orders, Rabb?" the admiral asked.

"Yes, sir. Thank you, sir."

For the first time in the conversation, the admiral addressed Turner. "Commander, would you excuse us for a moment?"

Turner nodded and left.

"Commander – Harm. You have come and gone at JAG before. You can't use this office as a fall back position."

"I understand sir and I appreciate every time you have taken me back."

The admiral frowned. "I have said this before, Rabb. You have a career ahead of you at JAG."

"Yes, sir."

"But if you leave this time, you leave for good."

"Yes, sir."

"Do you fully understand what is ahead of you?" Rabb stood rigid waiting for the dressing down he knew he was going to get. "You will run through a series of assignments until they get bored with trying to find a good place for you. They will stick you with a desk job in the middle of nowhere. Your career advancement will be effectively terminated. You may make captain, but never beyond that."

"Sir, with all due respect, the long term opportunities that the JAG office offers me has become less appealing of late. I cannot see myself …" he looked for a good word, "effectively handling the politics of the job."

The admiral couldn't disagree. "Your mouth would get in the way."

"Often sir," he smiled. "Furthermore, as good as the Navy has been for me, I don't see myself going much beyond my twenty years."

He was surprised at the revelation. "You have made that decision?"

"Yes, sir."

"With dispassionate clearheaded thinking?"

"Sir?"

The admiral nodded over to Mac who was now sitting with Webb on the other side of the yard. Harm's eyes followed his. His expression did not change.

"Sir," he paused. "My relationship with the colonel was never going to be anything more than friendship," he took a deep breath. "If I had realized that a long time ago we may not have lost that."

"Is it really lost?"

"Yes, sir. I take full responsibility and I accepted it months ago; I believe she knew it long before then."

"I see."

"My decision to leave JAG at this time is because of the opportunity to be at Top Gun, to teach and to work with Admiral Boone."

The admiral nodded slowly.

"I am not running away from something, sir. I am making a choice – a calm and rational choice – the best choice I can for myself at this time with an eye on the future and on the past."

"Alright, son," the admiral relented. "JAG will be sorry to lose you … and so will I."

"Thank you, sir."

Harm stayed off to the side watching the children play. He tried to find some sadness about his leaving JAG and his failed friendship with Mac, but he couldn't. What was done was done and there was no interest on either side to undo it. He didn't even find sadness in that. It was time to go and he was glad he only had a week left.

He didn't notice Mac walk over to him. They were completely out of sync with each other. There was a time when each could sense when the other was in the room or in trouble or just needed a kind word. No more. In the past six months they spoke to each other on very few occasions and always about something work related. There was no animosity or anger of any kind. They were civil – painfully civil. If truth were told people didn't enjoy being around them anymore – the relationship was dead, all that was left was to pull the plug.

"Commander," Mac said casually.

"Colonel," he found a smile for her as he nodded to their godson. "He is getting big."

"Yes he is," she looked back at Harm. "So, I hear you are going to teach in Nevada."

"News travels fast."

"Good news?"

"Very good news."

"Will you be back?"

"I do not expect to be back at JAG," he said carefully. "Or in Washington."

"You are OK with that?"

"I am."

"I see."

They stood in silence for a moment watching AJ play with his friends.

"Five years ago we saw that boy come into the world," Harm said with ever so slight tinge of – not remorse – nostalgia.

"That was a pretty interesting day."

They each thought of the deal they made.

Mac had often wondered if that was the day that sealed the fate of Harm and Mac. She wondered if they had not put such an onus of a baby and a deadline of five years, if things between them would have been less doomed. Maybe they would have attempted a casual relationship, maybe it would have ended, maybe they could have discovered how to be friends afterward. Or maybe something good would have come out of it. Maybe it had no affect at all. Some really horrible events had happened for each of them, maybe if they weren't fighting to hard to not be together some of those events wouldn't have happened, or they could have been faced together even as friends. She wanted to lay the blame as his feet, but it would have been unfair.

Finally Harm spoke. "I suppose we have to say something about it."

"What is there to say?"

"I never made a promise I did not intend to keep," his voice was soft and sad, but also very firm. "But this one I can't." His complete mea culpa definitive statement threw her for a loop, probably much like the statement she made about there never being an 'us'. "You can sue me for breach of contract if you like; I won't fight it," he tried to smile. There was a pain behind his eyes but it was hard to tell exactly why.

Her face clouded over. It was not funny. The deal was silly and it had been a long time since she even considered it a reasonable course of action, but the impact was profound and it was most certainly NOT funny. In fact it was the furthest thing from funny. "The agreement was that if neither one of us were in a relationship in five years ..." She let the rest hang out there knowing that he would find an interpretation that would fit for him.

"So you are saying that it is null and void?"

She looked back over at Webb who was arguing with the admiral and Turner. Her stomached flipped over. She was not involved with Webb, but Harm did not need to know that. Again, she would protect him and let him off the hook, but this time it may have been as much for her ego as his. If the contract was voided, then Harm did not refuse her - again.

"Yes, the contract is null and void. Your honor is intact," she said decisively

He just nodded. It didn't feel that way. It felt like for the first time in his life he was 100% wrong.

"When do you leave?" she asked.

"I report in a week."

"I won't be back from the Med by then, so it looks as if this is good-bye."

She pushed her hand out to him. He took it slowly. "Good luck to you, commander."

"And to you, colonel," he let go first. "It has been an experience working with you."

She nodded and tried to find a smile. Webb called her name and she retreated.

Harm watched her go and again wished the he could feel something more, but all he felt was relief.

So there it ended, as it began, in a garden with a handshake.


	2. 2

Title: **In A Garden**

Chapter Two

By: LizD

Written: January 2004

Disclaimers: No disrespect to JAG's cast, crew or creators. With love and thanks.

"End" maybe too strong a word for what happened between Harm and Mac. What happened was that they each moved on and didn't look back – not once – well at least not out loud and not for many years.

It was a long time before they saw each other again - nearly four years. Harm had gone to Nevada and soon after Mac had transferred to Quantico. They should have had the opportunity to run into each other many times over the years, but it never happened. Mac had not made it to the admiral's wedding to Meredith. She was TAD in Iraq at the time. Harm was planning to visit the Roberts at Christmas, but it never happened. Bud and Harriet transferred to San Diego shortly there after (Bud had been promoted). Harm was supposed to help with the move but something came up. Mac had turned down several trips to sunny southern California. Harm had been in Washington on many occasions but never made an effort to contact her. Interestingly enough, their mutual friends never discussed one with the other; never talked about the new lives that these two should-have-been lovers had found for themselves. Neither Mac nor Harm asked.

How had their lives changed? Quite a bit, all except for one area. Neither had found the life partner they were looking for. They married, but neither had a marriage made in heaven.

Mac met an FBI investigator at Quantico, Alan Shea, less than a month after her transfer. Within a year they were married and expecting their first child. After her daughter was born it became more difficult to stay in contact with old friends and colleagues. E-mail helped, but the relationships never really were the same. Mac sort of slipped from the radar other than birthday and Christmas cards. The one exception was Meredith. Mac and she became very close.

For Harm, when his tour was up at Nevada, he transferred to San Diego. He was still in the Navy but he was getting further and further away from lawyering and from flying. He was the legal liaison between the Navy/Marines and the Council for Home Land Security. The job was 100% political; he hated that part. But Harm was allowed to make differences in small ways. There were several good things about being in San Diego; he was close to his mother and now he got to spend time with Bud, Harriet and the kids. Harriet and Bud had a daughter. It was nice for Harm – nice to be included in a family.

Other changes had happened to both Harm and Mac, but not necessarily good changes. They continued to look forward and never back. That was at least until the admiral's retirement party.

So nearly four years later at a party for their old commanding officer, Harm and Mac met again. Old SEAL's, the SecNav for the last three administrations, other political pundits that had come in and out of AJ's career were all in attendance. Then of course there was anyone who had ever served under him at JAG. Without exception, they all showed – at one time or another during the night. Mac had arrived late. She was six months pregnant with her second child and still working full time. She arrived alone. She found AJ and congratulated him. She found Sturgis and the others from the JAG staff at her time all together at one table. As you can imagine the conversation turned to Harm and his antics. There was much laughing and joking – no one would ever forget the firing of the weapon in the courtroom. Turner (still working at JAG HQ) said that the roof still leaked. Tentatively, Mac asked if Harm were planning on coming. Bud chimed in and pointed to a suited man in the corner standing with the Admiral, Meredith and a beautiful blonde woman.

"The commander is here ma'am," he laughed. "Sorry, Harm. Can't get used to him being a civilian."

"He resigned his commission?" Mac was surprised.

"He resigned almost a year ago – now. Right Harriet?"

"Last May," Harriet confirmed.

"Anyway, he opened a child advocacy agency," Bud continued, proud of his friend and his friendship with him. "You know legal work for kids and families."

"Does all his work pro bono now," Harriet added.

"It is getting pretty big, he needs some help," Bud interjected with, "Harriet will take over the office management and do some fund development."

"That has not been completely discussed, Bud," she scolded.

Bud took Harriet's hand. It was clear that they were still very much in like with each other – in addition to the love. "I am sure you and Harm will come to an understanding."

Harriet's eyes lit from within. The support and admiration from her husband after all those years was a gift to her that she appreciated every day. "I don't know – he drives a pretty hard bargain and I am not sure I want him to be my boss - AGAIN."

The group laughed.

Mac was envious of the relationship between her old friends.

Harm took notice of them laughing. He excused himself from the admiral (the blonde stayed talking to Meredith) and walked over to the group. He hugged Harriet and shook hands with Bud and Sturgis as they had seen each other the day before, larger greetings for the Gunny, Tiner and Coates. Finally he turned his attention to Mac.

"Well, well, well," he smiled at her. "Colonel Sarah MacKenzie," he let his eyes scan her up and down. They stopped at her swelling stomach. "You look great – you are absolutely glo--."

"If you say I am glowing Rabb, I will have to take you out back and kick the shit out of you," she warned.

"Is that anyway to treat an old --," he stopped short of calling himself a friend. "It is nice to see you, Mac. Pregnancy becomes you."

"I wish it became my feet."

"Here sit down," he pulled a chair out for her.

The group sat.

"This is like old home week," said Harriet. "We were just telling stories from back in the day, Harm."

"I'm sure firing weapons in the court room came up," he rolled his eyes.

"It always will," Sturgis confirmed even though he was not at JAG at the time.

Just then the blonde that was with Harm joined them. She wrapped her arms around him from behind. He stood up quickly. "Linda," he pulled her arms away.

"Who are these lovely people, dear?" She was little drunk.

"Let me introduce you. Sturgis Turner – you have spoken to him on the phone, Jennifer Coates, Victor Galindez, Jason Tiner, Harriet and Bud you know, and Sarah MacKenzie – this is my wife Linda."

With the exception of Bud and Harriet the rest of the group was stunned to silence. Sturgis had known about the marriage but had not pictured Linda anything like the woman he saw before him. Victor was the first to recover. Cordial greetings were exchanged.

Linda wrapped herself around Harm again. He looked very uncomfortable. "Yep, I am the woman who finally bagged Harmon Rabb," she gloated and rested her stare on Jennifer – the only woman she saw as competition. "Took him completely off the market, didn't I sweetie. Even got him to resign from that ridiculous fraternity - US Navy - indeed," she kissed him on the cheek and he smiled uncomfortably. "Of course I had to back him into it a corner to get him to see the light."

It was clear that she was a little too chatty; a little too disclosing for a first meeting and Harm did not like it. It was undoubtedly the wine talking. It came out that they had been married for little more than a year, had known each other slightly longer than that and had twin sons born – well let's just say that the buns were in the oven before the wedding vows were exchanged – LONG BEFORE.

It was too much, too soon for Harm to share with his old friends. He quickly hurried her away to meet some "other people," Mac noticed that Harm did not actually introduce her to anyone else; he escorted her out quickly and did not return to the party.

Harriet did what she does. She deflected. "So, Mac, where is your husband, at home with your beautiful daughter?"

Mac nodded and smiled. She had no idea where her husband was. She kicked him out when she found him in bed with the babysitter right after she told him she was pregnant. Sadly it was not the first time, but Mac was sure it was going to be the last time. Alan left took the babysitter with him. That was four months ago.

**X x X x X x X x X x X x X**

The next day, Mac and Harriet agreed to meet for lunch. They had been chatting about kids and the trials and tribulations of having two and Harriet with three.

"Hailey just turned two in November. That is a good age difference, don't you think?" Mac asked.

"The farther apart they are the better for the parents," Harriet laughed. "I have always loved the name Hailey. Where did you find it?"

"It was my uncle Matt's wife's family name."

"Do you know this time, boy or girl?"

"A girl. Two daughters, I hope I can survive."

"I hope Alan can survive a house full of women," Harriet laughed.

Mac's face clouded. Harriet reached her hand out to Mac. Mac was strong and confident.

"Oh, honey, I am sorry." The maternal portion of Harriet took over. "What happened?"

"Some men are just not made to be monogamous – or fathers."

"I'm sorry."

"Yeah, well – it happens. You got the last good man Harriet."

Harriet smiled. She loved Bud and she did believe that he was a good man, but not the last one.

**X x X x X x X x X x X x X**

Two weeks later, in San Diego, Harm had brought his boys, David and Alexander to a play date at the Roberts house. The kids got along great and they made an effort to get the kids together often. Harm and Bud were grilling hamburgers, hotdogs and veggie burgers on the bar-b-que watching the kids in the pool.

Harm broached a subject that had been on his mind ever since Washington. "Mac looked good," he said out of the blue.

Bud looked at him and was unsure how to answer. "Yes, she did."

"She still has that fighting marine spirit."

"Indeed."

"Guess even marriage and motherhood can't take that out of her."

"Guess not," Bud really didn't want to get between Harm and Mac, not back then and not four years later. "You should give her a call."

"Yeah, maybe," Harm looked away. "So, another beer, Bud?"

"Sure," Bud swallowed hard before he made the next remark. "So, Linda couldn't make it today, I guess."

Harm got very reflective. Very softly he said, "Linda had to go back into the hospital last night," he smiled at Bud, "which is why I was so glad you called about today. It is pretty hard on the boys."

"And on you too, sir."

"Bud will you ever stop calling me 'sir'?"

Bud laughed quickly then asked his next question. "Will Linda be Ok?"

"I don't know Bud. I am not sure I have anything left to say about it," he looked very sad. "She and I are splitting up."

"Splitting up?"

"Yeah," he was miserable. Harm hated to fail. He even hated to fail at something that he never really wanted in the first place. "She moved back in with her father right after we got back from Washington."

"Are you going to fight her?"

"Not unless she tries to take the boys."

"I don't understand, is she in any position …"

"No she is not. The whole thing – the separation, the divorce – annulment - whatever - is her father's doing, I am sure. He wants his baby girl home with him and not in the psyche ward. He needs his control over her back, and he can't have that with a husband in the way."

"Sir, Harm, I have never asked this … and it really is none of my business, but why did you marry her?"

Harm looked at his friend. This was a man who years ago would never even dare think such a question much less ask it, but life had knocked him about a lot and he has still maintained his good nature and genuine love for the people in his life.

"You know this as well as anyone, Bud. You have to pay for your mistakes, even if you didn't create them."

"Yes sir."

"I have two fantastic boys that I would not trade for anything," he smiled. "And if I can help it, they will never hear an unkind thing said about their mother from me."

"They are great kids, and you have done a wonderful job with them. I can't imagine what it would be like dealing with two two-year-olds."

"Twenty months, Buddy boy," he shook his head. "God help me when they do turn two."

"I'd worry more about nine and sixteen if I were you."

The men laughed.

**X x X x X x X x X x X x X**

A month later Harm was in Washington. He was doing some lobby work for his agency. He had made arrangements to have lunch with Sturgis and they were set to meet at JAG. Harm walked in and Jennifer Coates approached him.

"Lieutenant Coates – congratulations on your promotion," he smiled at her.

She looked miserable. "Thank you sir," she looked around quickly and then asked her question. "How is Colonel MacKenzie sir?"

"The colonel? I don't know, why?"

"You mean you have not seen her either?"

"What do you mean?" Harm was becoming concerned.

"I'm sorry, sir. Maybe it is not my place to say."

"Say what?" he pressed.

"I just thought you would know. I thought this was why you were here."

"Lieutenant, please – what are you talking about?"

"Colonel MacKenzie - - - she lost the baby," Jennifer said quickly.

Harm was stunned.

"I'm sorry sir. I just thought you would -."

"Is she alright?"

"She has refused visitors for the first two days --."

"TWO DAYS?"

"Yes, sir. This happened several days ago, but she is still in the hospital."

"Which hospital?"

"Bethesda."

"No – um – I didn't know," he checked his watch. "Tell Turner I had something I needed to do, and that I will catch up with him later."

"Yes, sir."

Harm nodded to her once and left. When he got to his car he pulled out his cell phone and called the Roberts house. It rang three times before anyone picked up.

"Roberts residence." It was AJ.

"Hi, AJ, it's Harm."

"Hey, Uncle Harm. How's Washington?"

"Fine, fine. Is your mom or dad there?"

"Yeah, Mom's in with Cassia and Dad is in the pool with Jimmy and the twins."

"How about your mom?"

Moments later Harriet was on the phone.

"Harm," she said in a strained voice. "The boys are fine, you just talked to them an hour ago."

"Tell me about Mac," he blurted out.

"Mac?" Harriet was confused.

"You didn't tell me."

"I didn't know I was supposed to."

"Harriet, tell me what is going on with Mac."

Harriet took a deep breath. "I am not really sure. She was not taking phone calls and the only information I got was from Meredith. From what I can gather she went into premature labor."

"She was only seven months along." Harm didn't know how he knew it, but he did.

"Almost eight. They couldn't stop it. She had a C section but the baby didn't make it."

It all of a sudden occurred to Harm that he needed to be gentler with Harriet; this had to be bringing up bad memories for her.

"She is not seeing anyone."

"No," Harriet started to tear. "There is something else, I mean … because you are asking. I am not sure she would want me to tell you any of this."

"What is it?" He pressed.

"It is really not my place."

"Harriet."

"Her husband is gone."

"What do you mean gone?" Harm didn't know why this was a surprise to him. He knew nothing of Mac for years.

"They separated about five months ago and she has not seen or heard from him since."

"Why?"

"That Mac will have to tell you, if she wants to."

"So what you are saying is that she is alone."

"To the best of my knowledge," she stated. "Again, I don't know for sure, she won't take calls."

"She is in Bethesda?"

"Harm, she probably won't see you."

"Probably not," he checked his watch. "Give the boys a kiss for me. I've got to go."

**X x X x X x X x X x X x X**

He ended the call quickly and drove directly to Bethesda. He was parked and on her floor before he thought about what he would say to her. He was just about to leave when he turned and saw her making her way slowly down the hall. Her shoulders were slumped and she was moving like she was in a lot of pain. He walked up to her.

"Mac," he said softly.

She turned at the sound of her name and didn't recognize him for a moment. "Harm? What are you -?" She stopped in mid-sentence.

"I came to see you." It was a weak and obvious statement; but the sincerity made up for it.

She did not know what to say. "They force you to walk around here."

"May I join you?"

She wanted to say NO. In a loud clear voice, she wanted to tell him to go away and just leave her alone. "I am on my way to the solarium."

They walked slowly down the hall. At one point Mac became dizzy, Harm gave her his arm and she leaned on him the rest of the way. They found a couple of chairs in the corner that were in the sun and set apart from everyone else in the room. She eased herself down into the chair.

"Can I get you anything? Water? Juice?"

"I have had enough juice and water to choke a horse. What I want is a thick juicy steak," she smiled sadly. "I'm fine."

Harm all of a sudden felt embarrassed that he had not brought her anything like flowers.

"So what brings you east?" she asked.

"Doing some lobby work," he didn't want to chat and he didn't want to talk about himself. "Mac, I am so sorry."

His sincere sorrow caused the tears that were never far away to well up again. She forced them back. "Yeah, me too," she dismissed.

"Mac, don't be brave."

"What should I do?" She tried to get angry. "Cry? Scream? Howl at the moon? Been there, done that – **ad nauseum**."

"Will you be OK?" He meant to ask if she would be able to have more children.

Mac knew what he meant. "Sure, sure … the operation was a success, but the patient died."

At that he reached his hand out to take hers. She tried to pull away, but he would not let her. "Mac, please."

"Please what?" The tears took over. She didn't try to hold them back, but she refused to crumble or sob in front of him. "Harm, I really appreciate your coming, but I am not-. I can't. Please."

"You are still the most hard-headed woman I have ever met," he fought his own tears.

"Have to be, I keep running my head into walls."

"Mac."

"Harm, I really can't talk about this. Not now. Not with you."

He nodded. The 'with you' stung. He wondered if he should leave. He didn't want to go.

Mac took pity on him. "Tell me about your boys."

"David and Alexander," he smiled at the thought of them. "They are quite a handful."

"I can imagine Linda is pulling her hair out with three Rabbs underfoot."

It was Harm's turn to put on the brave front. "Linda and I split up."

She did not look surprised. "I'm sorry."

Harm cocked his head and smiled ironically. "I wish I could say I was."

"What happened?"

"Same old story," he dismissed.

"Oh, I bet you through in a twist or two of your own."

Her familiarity and recollecting a time when they knew each other was very comforting to him. He gave a what-the-hell smirk. It was time for genuine honesty. Too much had happed between them and apart for him to put on a show.

"I knew Linda for all of two months when she told me she was pregnant. We had only been together a couple of times. I tried everything I could think of to not get married – joint custody agreements, paternity tests," he looked up into Mac's eyes. "A hand shake." It would have been enough for Mac. "But no go. She demanded that we get married or she would keep me from the boys. At the time we didn't know they were twins," he looked away and smiled a little. "Kind of ironic now that I think about it."

"Ironic?"

"The reason she is citing on the annulment is that I wanted to have kids and she didn't. Like I said, ironic."

Mac was surprised to hear that Harm was caught short like that. She never would have expected something that base to happen to him.

Harm read her expression. "Linda was a 'friend of the family'. Her father and Frank were good friends," he looked down and away. "Let's just say that this union put a strain on both families. Anyway, Linda had a very difficult time with the pregnancy. She was in bed for almost 5 months. The boys were born prematurely and needed to be in the hospital for the first six weeks. It was touch and go for a while there."

"That must have been horrible."

"Quite possibly the worst time in my life."

Mac nodded. She knew one thing that would have made it worse, but she would not wish that pain on her worse enemy much less her best - - - Harm.

"Anyway, Linda never had a chance to bond with the boys. First them in neonatal and then she went into a severe depression – not the first one in her life I came to find out. She was hospitalized for nearly three months. It has been a struggle ever since."

"Now you are divorcing?"

"Linda's father is very protective, over protective. Linda is not strong enough to deal with twin sons. Her father convinced her to annul the marriage and give me custody of the boys. I thought about trying to talk her out of it, but I had to think of my sons; to have her in and out of their lives and in and out of hospitals, with the mood swings, the alcohol and all those drugs. It is better for them if she just steps away. Better for all of us."

"You sound very rational about this, but I know this decision could not have been easy for you."

Harm looked up at her. "I don't know about that, Mac. It wasn't as hard as you might think. For the first time in my life, I had to think about someone else's welfare above my own."

"For the first time in your life?" Mac asked.

"My boys are everything to me. There is nothing I won't do for them."

"Harm, that is who you are. You have always been like that. Need I remind you of the number of times you put your life in danger to help someone you didn't even know or to help – a friend?"

"Not the same thing, Mac. Not the same thing at all."

"How so?"

"It is not about putting my life on the line, it is about dealing with and working through feelings."

"Never your strong suit," she agreed.

"Ha – no." His eyes reflected a long ago memory of a time when they knew each other better than anyone else in the world. "I have a lot of anger surrounding what happened with Linda: at her, at Frank and my mother, at her father, at the system, at the mental health profession and - at myself mostly. I made a mistake that I have to live with but worse than that; I made a mistake that two innocent children are forced to deal with for the rest of their lives. Not the kind of legacy I wanted my children to have. That is really hard to forgive – in myself."

Mac nodded. She knew all about making compromises in life for the best interest of your child.

Harm continued. "So I had to deal with that anger, work it through and come to a place where I can be a good father."

"Was that ever in question?"

"Yeah," he thought for a moment about the time he spent alone fighting his flight response. He wanted to run. When Linda first told him she was pregnant, the idea of being tied to a woman for the rest of his life that he didn't like much less love all because of a few stupid nights of passion was ludicrous. Then when Linda went into the hospital and he had to deal with her doctors and make the decisions about her and his sons alone, he wanted to head for higher ground. Go back out to sea. Fly away. He was not trained for this kind of battle.

"Harm?"

"Yeah, Mac. It was in question," he sighed and looked out the window. "I can't show them my anger about the situation surrounding their conception. They won't understand – not now and not in twenty years. So I have to work it out with Linda in some way, shape or form. I have to make it OK for them."

"You will."

"You have more faith than I do," he squeezed her hand. "I am the type to cut and run when the situation gets to sticky," he looked up at her. "Can't do that this time. Can't cut and can't run."

"You may want to run away – but you never would," she squeezed his hand back. "You are a good man, Harm."

He smiled. "I don't know about that Mac. These past two and half years, I am discovering – for the first time - just out how hard it really is to know and do the right thing when you let people into your life – really into your life."

"When it comes down to it, Harm you have always done the right thing."

"Thank you for thinking that after all this time, after the way it ended with us," he looked into her soft sad eyes. "I ruined our friendship and for that I am profoundly sorry."

"You didn't do it alone."

He saw forgiveness. He pulled her hand to his lips. "Enough about me. Tell me about Hailey."

Mac smiled. "She is God's gift to me. I remember thinking shortly after she was born that whatever I had to go through to get to that point in my life was worth double what I paid for it."

"It is amazing the impact they have for being so small."

Mac got a little sad. "Hailey is smart. And funny. She loves to read – well she loves books and music. She is a happy little girl. She never watches TV. Reminds me of you."

Harm laughed.

"Would rather play her piano," Mac added.

"Does she play well?" his eyes lit up.

"No, she is no Mozart. But she is two maybe she will grow into it – or at least out of it."

"She sounds special."

"She was so much looking forward to being a big sister." At that Mac broke. She fell into deep and gut wrenching sobs. Harm moved so he could be closer to her and wrapped her up in his arms. He let her cry into his chest as he held her tight. There was nothing to say. It was never going to be all right, but the pain would dull in time. Harm didn't need to tell her that, she knew it. For now, she needed to cry. She needed to be held. And he was grateful to be the one to do that for her.

Soon she calmed herself. He pulled his handkerchief out of his pocket and gave it to her. She smiled through her tears. "And they say chivalry is dead."

He said nothing.

"Sarah?" A voice from the other side of the solarium called.

They both looked up. There was a tall, dark haired, blue-eyed man standing by the door. He could have been Harm's brother. He knew in an instant that it was Alan Shae, Mac's husband. He didn't know how he knew, but he did. The man came quickly over and knelt down in front of Mac. Her tears came again, and he pulled her into an embrace. Harm got up slowly and removed himself from the scene. Regardless of what was going on between them, they had lost a child – a child they created together and they needed to morn together.

Harm stood in the hall for a moment. He wanted to say something more to Mac, but now was not the time. He didn't know how to leave.

"Well, well, well . . . look what the cat dragged in," a young woman's voice called from a short distance away.

Harm turned. She was young, about twenty-something and she was holding the hand of a two-year-old girl who was the spitting image of Mac despite her almost black hair.

"Don't remember me, Harm?" the young woman said again. "You are certainly looking older – grayer anyway."

"Chloe Madison. You have aged yourself," he smiled but she was not having it.

"What are you doing here, Harm? She is in no mood to stroke your ego now."

Harm ignored her and squatted down in front of the little girl who was looking scared and sad. "Hi, you are Hailey, aren't you?" He said softly and smiled at her. The little girl nodded. "My name is Harm and I knew your mom a long time ago."

"A long time?" she echoed.

"A very long time."

"When she was my age?" She asked.

He laughed. "How old are you?"

She held up two fingers.

"Wow, two years old," he laughed. "No, not that long."

"Is my mommy here?"

"She is in there," Harm realized that Hailey should probably not see her Mac when she was crying. It would scare her. "There is someone with her right now, can you talk to me a little bit first?" He looked up at Chloe and nodded to the room so that she could go and prepare Mac for Hailey's visit.

Chloe looked in and scowled. "What the hell is that bastard doing back?" She blasted into the room.

Harm and Hailey took a seat on the bench by the wall. "Is my mom OK?"

"Yeah, she is sad."

"My sister died." The honesty of a child was shocking at times. "She is with the angels now."

He smiled. "Yes, she is."

Alan came out and Hailey jumped down from the bench and ran to her father. They hugged and he brought her into the solarium. Chloe came out shortly.

"So, Harm, still hanging around?"

He pulled a card from his pocket and tried to hand it to her. "If she needs anything …"

"Still trying to play hero?"

"Chloe look, I know that you love her and are only thinking of what is best for her, but please – ," he thrust the card at her again. "If she needs anything."

"She won't," she refused to take the card.

"You may have aged, but you haven't grown up. What happened between Mac and I was complicated and I am sure you don't understand the whole story. You can blame me. You can hate me."

"I do," she cut him off. "I hate all the men in Mac's life. That bastard she married should be strung up by his ba-."

"Your anger is not helping her," he said flatly. "If she needs anything," he handed her the card again, and this time she took it. He turned to walk away.

"Harm," she called after him.

He turned to look at her.

"What do you mean by anything?"

"Whatever she needs."

"She is going to need a good lawyer."

Harm waited.

"She is going to need a good friend."

He nodded. "Thank you," he walked away slowly.


	3. 3

Title: **In A Garden**

Chapter Three

By: LizD

Written: January 2004

Disclaimers: No disrespect to JAG's cast, crew or creators. With love and thanks.

**In A Garden – Part 3**

Mac checked herself out of the hospital before her doctor was ready for her to go. She had to get back to work. Alan apologized and asked to come home. Mac did not argue but locked him out of the bedroom. Chloe had come down months ago to help with Hailey and the new baby; she stayed on, more to keep an eye on Alan than Hailey or Mac.

To anyone who did not know her, Mac was fine. In fact she was more on top of her career game than she ever had been. Her mind was clear and open to ideas. She took on as much as they would give her and showed no sign of stress of overload. She did not become a workaholic – she worked her 45 hours (like always) and went home to be with her daughter. She was just much more efficient, proficient and insightful.

To anyone who did know her – she was a mere shell of her old self. She found no joy in anything. The only time she let her guard down was when she was alone with Hailey. It was as if she had taken all her emotions, feelings, her passion and packed them in thick cotton or bubble wrap so that nothing could shake or rattle them any more.

This went on for a little more than three weeks. Chloe pretended that Mac was OK and that she would snap out of it. She fielded calls from Harriet, Meredith and Harm. She told them Mac was fine and would return their calls when she was ready. Only about a third of the messages were passed on (none of Harm's made it through). Chloe thought she was protecting Mac.

Alan became increasingly more frustrated that Mac was not trying to put their marriage back together. He started working longer hours and occasionally not coming home at night until he was not coming home at all. Mac noticed his frustration and his absence. It made her sad, but she didn't do anything about it. She had loved Alan at one time, loved him very much, but something between them was broken. It was broken before they lost the baby; it was shattered beyond repair after. Not that she blamed him; she just couldn't place her trust in him. She wasn't mean or nasty, just very still. She couldn't find the love she once had for him. She hoped in time things would change, but she had no real faith in that happening.

Alan was done waiting. When he met her nearly four years before he thought he was ready to settle down and she was the one woman he could wake up to every day for the rest of his life. That lasted a couple of years. He blamed his job. It was not conducive to the picket fence and hamburger Thursdays. His infidelity was calculated, the easiest way he knew to correct a mistake and take the blame on himself. He never counted on Mac forgiving him the first time, was totally blown away the second time when she didn't kick him out. It took the last time of being caught in bed with the nanny when she was pregnant with their second child to get her to take final action. This time Alan would have to take action.

He showed up one morning and announced that he was moving out.

"There is no reason to stay," he said dropping his suitcases by the door.

Mac thought for a moment. "Hailey?"

"I will be there for her."

"I never suggested that you wouldn't be."

"Living like this can't be good for her either," he waited for Mac to answer. She didn't. "Do you want to file or should I?"

"I will."

"Cause?"

"Irreconcilable Differences"

"Not infidelity? Refusal of conjugal rights?"

"No."

Mac was fair until the bitter end. "I am sorry Mac," he said.

"So am I, Alan." With that he was gone. For the first time in months Mac felt like things were going to be OK. She took on most of the responsibility for the failure of her marriage and because of that, she forgave him his indiscretions as soon as the door was closed. She did that for Hailey. If only she could forgive herself for losing the baby so easily.

Later that same day, Mac had gone into Chloe's room to look for a book that Chloe had borrowed. She found Harm's card stuck in it like a bookmark. It struck Mac as odd that Chloe would have it.

"What's going on, Mac?" Chloe's voice called from the doorway. She noticed the book in her hand. "Oh, yeah. I am done with it; you can have it back."

"Where did you get this?" Mac held up the card.

"From him. The day he was at the hospital," she did not look embarrassed or caught.

"You kept it?"

"He said if you ever needed anything that you should call him. So I hung on to it."

"You didn't feel the need to tell me?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Cause you are fine. You don't need him back in your life screwing it up."

"That is not your decision to make, Chloe."

"If you really wanted to talk to him, you would have called him with or without the card."

She had a point there, but Mac was not about to give up hers. "Chloe."

"He called a couple, three times – maybe four . . . five."

"Protecting me from anyone else?"

"Harriet . . . Meredith."

Mac shook her head, sat down on the bed and motioned for Chloe to join her. She took a deep breath. "Do you really believe that I am fine?"

"Yes," she sounded like she wanted to believe rather than that she did. "Well you will be soon enough."

"Then why do you feel the need to keep the people who care about me away from me?"

"I wasn't keeping them away – I was just – I was –," she stumbled over her words. "I was giving you a little space."

"I appreciate that, but I really am fine."

"I know."

"So no more games."

"I feel like you are scolding me like I am fifteen again."

"Well?" Mac smiled as if to say she was acting like she was fifteen.

"OK. OK. No more games."

"Good." Mac kissed her forehead and got up to leave.

"Are you going to call him?" Chloe asked before Mac could leave.

"I don't know. Maybe."

"What would Alan say?"

"Alan is gone. He left this morning and won't be back." Mac held up her hand. "Before you say anything – he is Hailey's father. He loves her and I won't have you filling her head with your opinion of him."

"The man is toe jam."

"Chloe."

She exhaled forcefully. "If she asks me a direct question?"

"You let me handle it."

"So what are you going to do about Harm?"

"He is three thousand miles away with a new life of his own. Don't worry. I doubt he is interested in making room in his life for me," she smiled and left.

"I wouldn't bet on that." Chloe said to the empty room.

Mac was reading that night and was absentmindedly fingering Harm's card. She realized she wasn't reading or rather she wasn't getting beyond one particular paragraph. She closed the book and focused on the card.

Southern California Child Advocacy

Harmon Rabb, Jr.

Attorney At Law

It listed his office number, his cell phone number and an e-mail address. She got up and turned her computer on. While it was booting she chuckled to herself. "Chicken," she pulled her cell phone from the recharging unit, scrolled for a number and waited for it to connect.

"Harriet, hi it's Mac. Did I catch you putting the kids to bed?"

The conversation went on, apparently Harriet had Bud on bed duty and she was on KP. The two old friends talked for a long time about many different things. Harriet had some insight to what Mac was feeling – guilt being the worst. It did help to talk about it. It was agreed that Mac and Hailey and Chloe, if she wanted to, would come out to visit the Roberts in San Diego in a couple of weeks. It would be AJ's birthday and he would love to have his Godmother at his ninth birthday. Mac had some time off that she hadn't taken.

"It will be a little crowed here." Harriet warned. "But the girls can share a room, Jimmy can bunk in with AJ and you can have Jimmy's room. If you and Chloe don't mind bunk beds."

"Oh Harriet that is too much. I don't want to impose on you like that. We'll stay at a hotel or something."

"Really it is no imposition. It will be great having you."

"Let's talk about that later when I can confirm how long I can take. I have taken on quite a case load and it may take me a little while to shake free."

Harriet knew that Mac would fill the loss with work. "They can spare you for a week or more."

There was a stiff silence as Mac wanted to bring up a topic but didn't know how. Harriet – insightful Harriet – did it for her.

"Did I tell you that I am working for Harm now?"

"Working for?"

"Well it is more like 'with' and it is only part time. He needed someone to organize the lawyers."

"I don't understand."

"You know he opened an advocacy firm to help children right?"

"Bud mentioned that at the admiral's retirement."

"Well, we don't charge for services so we need to find lawyers to work pro bono. That is the easy part. We have tapped into a pool of some of the best lawyers in southern California. Not over using them and finding the money to pay for the lights and the paper clips is the hard part. And of course my salary," she laughed.

"How do you do it?"

"Fund development and lobbying. I am the fund developer and Harm is our lobbyist as well as the chief counselor. In fact Harm will be in Washington in a couple of days trying to get funding to move into a larger office."

"Is he?"

"The agency is very busy and we have out grown our space. There are three paralegals, two secretaries and a lawyer on staff as well as Harm and myself. I have got to hand it to him; Harm discovered a huge need in this community. It is frightening to think about how many kids were just getting lost in the system."

"Lost?"

"Not literally lost, but that their needs were not being addressed or even considered. A lot of what we do is filing of wills and custody agreements. We rarely – if ever – go to court. Most of what we do is through arbitration. In fact we have kept a ton of cases from going to court. Better for the kids."

"It sounds like you are doing some good work."

"It is all Harm. He is different now, you know."

"Different how?"

"I am not sure I can put my finger on it. He is still the guy who is always trying to do the right thing, but it is not so black and white anymore. It is as if he has seen the grays in life."

"The grays?"

"Could be that he sees so many in the mirror every morning," she laughed. "Seriously, he used to focus on the winning or losing, the right or wrong – the black or white. You know Harm, he would lose if he thought it was the right thing to do, and let you know that he let you win which in the end made him still feel like he won."

"At all costs - I remember."

"But, now he works for compromise. I guess that makes sense when you are dealing with kids."

"Kids are the great equalizers."

"And you should see him with his. I have never met anyone so patient in my entire life and the kids are great." Harriet pulled the phone away for a moment, and then came back on the line. "Hey, Mac I need to go. Cassia is having trouble going to sleep."

"Go. I will talk to you soon."

They hung up. Mac again looked at Harm's business card. She smiled and tucked it inside her organizer. She shut off the computer and went to check on Hailey.

A couple of days went by. Mac still had Harm's card tucked into her organizer. She saw every time she opened it. Chloe and Hailey had planned a day trip to the ocean so Mac was on her own. That morning she called Meredith to meet for lunch. It was decided that AJ would join them because – well he was retired and bored stiff. Well Mac arrived Meredith was alone at the table.

"Where is AJ?" She asked after they exchanged hellos.

"He is actually having lunch with Harmon Rabb – of all people." Meredith smiled. "He called just as we were leaving."

"Really. You didn't ask him to join us?"

"I didn't think you would like that and AJ felt like he intruded on our lunch anyway."

"No, No, not at all. I love AJ and I would like to see Harm again."

"Well, they are set to meet at a place not far from here. That new Japanese place?"

"Oh, I have been wanting to try that."

"So should we crash their party?"

"We should." They giggled like schoolgirls and left.

About five minutes later, Mac and Meredith walked up to Harm and AJ in the bar. Their table wasn't ready.

"Hey sailors, come here often?" Meredith said as she wrapped her arm around Harm.

Harm returned the hug. "Every time I am in port – best looking women in this hemisphere," he joked and then noticed Mac. "Mac?"

"Hi."

AJ had gotten up to give Mac a hug. It was a genuine loving hug and she saw the same genuine concern in Harm eyes. It was so nice to be with these people again tears nearly came to her eyes.

Harm and she exchanged a quick embrace as well – it seemed appropriate some how. The four had a very nice lunch talking about old times and new times but keeping it as close to the surface as a public luncheon of old friends can handle.

Eventually lunch was over. No one needed to be anywhere at any specific time so it was hard to know when to end it. AJ feigned some excuse to get Meredith out of there (something to do with refurbing the house). Harm had offered to pick up the check, but was usurped by Mac (she was still working for pay).

Harm and Mac waited for the valet to bring up their cars.

"Thanks for lunch, Mac."

"My pleasure." Mac's car arrived. "It was good seeing you Harm."

He didn't want to let her get away anymore than she wanted to leave. "What are you doing tonight?" He asked.

"Tonight?"

"I have this reception to go to. It will be a dry as toast. The drinks will be warm and the hors d'oeuvres will be cold."

"You paint such a lovely picture."

"I will take you out for a late supper to make up for it."

She hesitated and he read that as she didn't want to go but didn't know how to get out of it.

He tried to help, "If you would rather not, I'll understand."

"No, no it is not that. It's just that I promised Hailey that we would spend the evening together."

"Oh. Big plans, huh?"

"Big plans?" She smiled at herself because they were big to her. She had been looking forward to them all day. "Mac-n-cheese, Little Mermaid, a bath and a bed time story."

"Macaroni and Cheese?" He laughed.

"I make a mean mac-n-cheese," she smiled. "In fact I think it's your recipe."

"Nice to know I taught you something." His eyes flashed. "Well, maybe next time I'm in town."

"Sure. Or when I am in San Diego."

"You are coming to San Diego?"

"Harriet invited us. We should be there for AJ's birthday. Not sure when we will get there."

"Sir?" The attendant said again firmly. "Your car!"

Harm handed him the tip and motioned that he would be right there. "Do you have a little time?"

"When? Now?"

"Yeah, how about we take a walk. There is a great park just up the street."

Mac nodded. "I have some time before Hailey gets back."

Moments later Mac and Harm had parked their cars and were strolling through a lovely spring day in Washington.

"So you are making the big trip west, huh?"

"Yeah. I thought it would be good for Hailey and me to get away for a little while."

"Chloe coming with you?" Mac had told them at lunch that Chloe had transferred to Georgetown and was living with her.

"Maybe. I haven't really discussed it with her yet."

There was a stiff silence as Harm thought about what he wanted to say. "She didn't give you any of my messages did she?" He asked which did not feel as out of the blue as it was.

"No, sorry. Don't hold it against her."

"I won't"

"She is turning into a very wonderful woman."

"She has a little more growing up to do."

Mac nodded.

"How are you, Mac?" His voice was full of pathos and pain at her loss. He had been waiting for a time to ask her how she felt – emotionally. He could see that she was not back up to par physically.

"I'm OK," she smiled sadly. "I am going to be OK."

He reached out and pressed her hand quickly just to let her know that she didn't need to say anything else if she didn't want to. She didn't.

Harm changed the subject. "Where are you staying in San Diego?"

"Harriet, of course, is insisting that we stay with them."

"It will be very crowded."

"She has a houseful already. So I have a travel agent looking for a cottage to rent on the beach. Hailey would love that."

"There are some great rentals."

"Some very nice rentals," she echoed. "Not in my price range though."

"How long do you think you will stay?"

"A week – maybe two. Depends on how much time I can take."

"Keeping you pretty busy these days, are they?"

"Very."

Harm thought for a moment. Mac listened to the silence and let her mind drift. She was actually just enjoying the moment. Being in the company of someone that didn't want anything from her was the best reward she could have asked for.

"So, here's the thing," Harm stumbled out. "I think you ought to say with me when you come to San Diego."

That was out of the blue. Mac was floored and the moment was broken. Harm now wanted something from her. "Excuse me?"

"Hear me out. I have a much larger house than Harriet and Bud and at least one less kid. I won't charge you rent but you will have to do your own laundry. I have a second car that is just sitting there – you don't get the Vette," he smiled. "I have seen you drive."

"Don't start." She forced a smile.

"I live about five minutes from the beach and about twenty minutes from Bud and Harriet. I am working – might be able to take some time – but not much. You would have the run of the house during the day,"

"Harm."

"I make breakfast every morning – it would be included in the price."

"It is a very generous offer, but I don't know." This was going to be harder to get out of than the dinner invitation.

"I promise I won't intrude on your vacation. You can stay as long as you want and we don't even have to talk or see each other."

"That's a hell of an invitation, sailor."

"What I mean is – that the house is big enough that we won't be on top of each other." The word "top" came out before he knew it. It stung in his ears, but he pushed on. "The house is big."

"I see," she was a little suspicious. "How can you afford this mansion working pro bono?"

"Well, actually it is not my house. It belongs to the boys." Mac shook her head. She didn't understand. "It was Linda's house – or rather it was her father's house that he let her live in. My ex-father-in-law is a very wealthy man. When he made the 'deal' for annulment, it was agreed that he would put the house in trust for the boys in lieu of child support and I would take over the note."

"Is that enough?"

"More than. There was a ton of equity in the house and the mortgage is less than most apartments. Anyway, he has set up trusts for them for education – he's expecting them both to go to Harvard or Yale law school - and he pays all the medical insurance and bills."

"Very generous."

"The boys will be well taken care of. I am very lucky that he is such a reasonable man and has a mind to spend his money like that. I work with parents everyday that are trying to raise kids on minimum wage."

"Very lucky indeed." Mac was stunned by so much information and was still at a loss as to how she was supposed to respond to his offer.

"So, how about it? You would have your own room and a bathroom. Hailey and Chloe could each have their own room. Well Chloe would have the study, but there is a comfortable couch. It is better than bunk beds and fighting for a bathroom."

Mac was unsure. "Can I think about it?"

Harm was disappointed. "Sure. Sure – whatever. I just thought I would offer. You know, old times sake and all."

"It is a very generous offer. Not sure you know what is involved – a house full of men taking on a trio of women."

"The Brady Bunch for the new millennium."

"Did you ever watch the Brady Bunch?"

"I wasn't born in a vacuum, Mac."

"Regardless – I don't care how bid the house is, inviting three people to stay at your house is a big deal."

"Not as big as you are making out," he smiled that smile. "It would nice to have you."

She felt herself being pulled toward him again. Drawn in a familiar way that she had no desire to resist.

"Think about it," he said softly and generously. "The boys would love to have you."

"I will," he didn't want anything from her other than her company, and even at that he would take what she gave and ask for nothing more.

Harm arrived home the next day. He felt lighter and happier than he had in months. He tried not to think that it was due to his conversation with Mac the day before, but there really was no other reason for it. They had a very nice conversation in the park. After their discussion of her lodging out west, they talked about a hundred other things until it was time for her to go. They talked about the state of the world, their career changes, family, friends. None of it was really deep or earth shattering, it was just nice. They played and jibbed and jabbed with each other but purposefully avoided all the landmines. After four years – nay after twelve years they each had finally grown up enough to play fairly.

Of course that was the first meeting. Who knows what would happen if they ever worked together again or worse had to share a roof.

"SHARE A ROOF? Oh God!" Harm thought to himself. "What have I done?"

What had he done? Was this just another rescue attempt? Damn it, Rabb. Harm needed to stop playing the hero with Mac. What was it about her that made him do that? Hey, don't blame her. She never asked for him to save her, help her, invite himself into her life. Why couldn't he just leave well enough alone? She was on her way west. They would have had opportunities to talk: at AJ birthday and other times. He didn't need to invite her into his home. Didn't matter anyway. She would probably turn him down, but he had to put this invitation between them. His light mood was gone. She would turn him down. Of course she would. She had to turn him down. That was the way of Harm and Mac – one would ask and the other would refuse. Why should anything have changed?

And if it had? What the hell, it was only for a week or two, they could each be on the best behavior – or not and then they would go back to not speaking to each other for another four years. Oh God, what had he done?

Harm looked around his house. It was quiet. Too quiet. The boys should have been home by then. He had called the babysitter and told her when to bring them back. Something was wrong.

"Where did you go this time?" her voice scratched through the room like fingernails on a blackboard.

He turned and was face to face with the mother of his children – NOT his wife.

"Washington," he stated flatly. "You are not supposed to be here."

"I am moving back," she was drunk – or rather on her way to being drunk.

"You think so?" He had been on this side of the Linda game before. It was old, it was tiresome, and he wasn't in the mood to play. He was only grateful that the kids were not there to see it.

"I hate my father," she had also apparently stopped taking her medication.

"He loves you," he said with as much compassion as he could muster.

"I won't live under his roof. Not for another minute."

"He paid for this house too, Linda. This is his house."

"This is MY house!"

"No, Linda. It isn't."

"You stole my house, like you stole my children," she taunted him.

He took a deep breath and tried to find calm words for her.

"DON'T YOU DARE!" She screamed at him. "DON'T YOU DARE HANDLE ME. I am so sick to death of people walking around on egg shells around me," she turned on her heel and walked away.

Harm pulled his cell phone out and dialed her father. "She is here," he said flatly and flipping the phone shut.

"Bastard. You BASTARD!!" She screamed. "You just called him, didn't you?"

"Linda you can't be here like this."

"You don't love me. You never loved me."

Truer words were never spoken, but Harm could not say that to her. "I care about our children. You can't do this, Linda. Not to yourself and not to them."

"What about you? What do you need?" She tried to get close to him but he maintained his distance.

Before he had a chance to respond, Harm's phone rang. He didn't recognize the number, but it was a Washington DC area code. He thought about not answering it, but something told him he should.

"Rabb"

"Harm, it's Mac."

"Hi," he gave a quick look a Linda and turned away.

"Who is it?" Linda demanded. Harm walked away from her. "Is that my father? You can tell him to go to HELL."

"Hi, what's up?" He said quickly hoping that Mac did not hear what he knew she heard.

"Did I catch you at a bad time?"

"Yeah, no, sort of. I just got home and need to deal with a couple of things. Can I call you back?"

"Sure, sure. Sorry. I – well – I just wanted to know if the offer was still on the table."

"Offer?"

"To stay with you? I have a line on a rental and I would need to take it today but it's not on the water and it is over an hour away. I didn't want to spend that much time in the car."

"Of course. No, that would be great. I mean – no, don't take it. The offer is still on the table. Of course it is."

"Are you sure?"

"More than. Let me call you back in an hour or so," he needed her to know that he wanted her to stay with him. "Don't take it – the rental I mean."

"Ok."

He flipped the phone shut.

"Is he on his way here?" she demanded. "I won't go with him, you know."

"Linda, you are going to have to calm down. If you don't go with your father, then you are going back to the hospital."

"I can stay here."

"No, Linda. No you can't."

"Watch me."


	4. 4

Title: **In A Garden**

Chapter Four

By: LizD

Written: January 2004

Disclaimers: No disrespect to JAG's cast, crew or creators. With love and thanks.

**In A Garden – Part 4**

"Chloe are you ready yet?" Mac called urgently to the back of the house. "The cab will be here any minute."

"I am ready," she said coming up to the door and dropping her bags down.

"Do you have Hailey's book?"

"Yes, Yes!" Chloe snapped back in frustration.

Mac was anxious and irritable. She checked her watch again.

"This is starting out to be a hell of a vacation," Chloe griped. "When do we get to relax?"

"On the plane," Mac stated firmly.

"What are you so worried about?"

"I am not worried."

"You look worried," she pressed.

"I don't like flying, never have."

"I think you are more worried about the destination rather than how we are getting there."

"What?"

"Come on Mac. We could have gone on vacation any where, but you chose San Diego and you chose to stay with him."

"What's your point?"

"My point is -." Just then a loud horn blast came from the street.

Mac yelled. "HAILEY LET'S GO!"

About an hour into the flight Mac was finally able to settle down. Chloe was watching the movie and Hailey had fallen asleep in her lap. Mac leaned back in her seat and tried to imagine the weeks to come. Her CO had insisted that she take two weeks. That was nice (read: not nice at all). Actually he had suggested four and told her he would not put her on the docket until he heard that she was back in town.

Hailey was excited, but an almost three-year-old would get excited about going to the grocery store.

Chloe thought time away from Washington and Alan was the best idea Mac had in a long time. She was less impressed with the destination and the accommodations. She agreed to go for Hailey. Mac told her – in no uncertain terms – that she was going on vacation and not to be Hailey's nanny. This was her vacation too. Chloe tried to get into it, but despite her best efforts, she was pissed that HE – the great Harmon Rabb - had succeeded in forcing his way back into Mac's life. Chloe didn't trust him and didn't understand his reason for the invitation. What was he going to get out of it? She knew why Mac took him up on it. Mac was a sucker when it came to Harmon Rabb.

Chloe only thought she knew why.

Originally, Mac had no intention of accepting Harm. It was ridiculous to even consider it. It fact she was going to cancel the trip all together. Harriet forced her to reconsider. Mac had mentioned it to Harriet in a can-you-believe-he-would-suggest-such-an-absurd-thing manner. Harriet knew that it was not an absurd thing nor was it out of character for him. Harriet went on and on about how nice his house was and how little it would really imposition him; not that she was uninvited to the Roberts. She reiterated how much Harm had changed over the years.

"He would not have offered if he weren't sincere," she defended.

"We have not spoken in four years," Mac protested. "And we hardly left as friends. How could I possibly think of sharing a house with him after all this time?"

"Maybe it would give you two time to talk."

"We have nothing in common."

"Raising children as single parents for starters."

"Harriet – this is silly to even think about."

"Mac, honey," maternal Harriet stated firmly. "There always was and there always will be something deeper between you and Harm. What you two choose to do with it is your business and I am not advocating anything, but --."

"But?"

"But you clearly are finding interest in this offer on some level."

"Morbid curiosity," Mac said dryly.

"Whatever it is – you should go for it," Harriet went on. "Time alone with him might mend some of those old wounds."

"Or just rip them back open again."

That was Mac's biggest fear: the ripping open of old wounds and dropping back into old stances. She was worried that some how, in some way, in some fashion, they each would take up the old games they used to play. Harm was the master at making her act and react defensively and offensively. She didn't want her daughter to see that side of her. She tried to reassure herself that she was not the woman she was. Not anymore. And the odds of Harm raising that side of her up from the dead were slim to none; but if anyone could resurrect the old Mac it would be Harmon Rabb. She kept repeating to herself that she was different now – regardless of the changes that Harm had made in his life – she was different.

The day he left, the way he left, purged something inside of her. As much as she pushed him away back then – firmly and decisively, there was always a little piece of her that hoped that he wouldn't go, hoped that he would keep himself tied to her. But when she heard about his plans to leave JAG and not come back – the hopes were over and there was no one to blame but herself. If she hadn't found out at AJ's party, he probably would have left without saying good-bye. There was a rift between them that was impossible to cross. It was that knowledge and the statement he made about having no intention of following through on that deal that let her know that it was finally over. She was a little sad and missed him for a while, but it was more out of habit than anything else. She was relieved when it was over. She was ready to move on.

The transfer to Quantico came at a perfect time. She wasn't looking to get out of JAG, but it was a welcome change. She met Alan on her first day. Her first impression was that he looked like Harm, so he must be just like him. She wrote him off in the first five minutes. But after ten she realized that the two men had nothing in common. Nothing at all. Mac was drawn to him and actually pursued him – a change for Mac. She didn't have to pursue that hard. Both Alan and Mac were primed and ready for what was to follow, at least for the fist year and a half. They had similar backgrounds and were fighting similar dragons. Alan chose to go the psychological route. He was in the behavioral sciences division at the FBI: a profiler if you will. Alan wanted to understand why and figure out the puzzle, Mac just wanted to master the situation – the why's and how's were unimportant. That was the biggest difference and the biggest strength of their relationship. They were a match. A good match. Sadly for Mac, Alan's staying power was not what it should have been for a husband and a father. He wasn't a bad man. There was just no black and white for him – only shades of gray.

Chloe looked over at Mac. Her hands were spread across her now flat again abdomen and she was twisting the place on her left hand that used to hold her white gold band. She looked so sad.

"Mac?" Chloe said softly.

Mac was pulled back to reality. "What is it, honey?"

Chloe reached over and took her hand. "This vacation will be good for you."

"I hope it is good for all of us," she smiled sadly and reached out to take the girl's hand. "We need a good time."

Harriet had picked Mac and crew up at the airport. Harm and Harriet planned to have a little BBQ at Harm's house on the day they arrived so there would not be any more schlepping for the travelers. Alexander, David, Jimmy, AJ and Cassia were all there to greet Hailey upon her arrival at the Rabb residence. Hailey was not a timid child and met her new 'cousins' with great joy. The kids got along famously. Harm had also invited Mrs. Johnson (the baby sitter from down the street), her new boyfriend and her granddaughter, Mariana (a young woman Chloe's age). It was very nice. Everyone had someone to talk to. Mac was grateful that she didn't have to deal with Harm one-on-one right away. The guests were made very comfortable and went to bed early. As Mac let herself drift off to sleep she congratulated herself on making it through the day and tried to convince herself that the trip was going to be fine.

The next day was AJ's birthday. Harriet had really out done herself. Nine of AJ's friends were invited as well as a few of Jimmy's. Naturally Hailey, David and Alexander (who was now demanding to be called Zander which was what Hailey had dubbed him) were in attendance. Many of the parents of the other children came and stayed to help out. All of them were Navy and most of them were affiliated with the JAG office. Everyone knew everyone else and Mac was made to feel very at home. Harm of course being ex-Navy took a lot of good-natured razzing from the adults. Chloe came and acted the big sister to all the kids, playing and organizing games and keeping them generally entertained.

At one point, Harm noticed Mac just watching from a distance with a sweet smile on her face. Hailey was having a blast in the pool under AJ's watchful eye (who was under Chloe's watchful eye). Mac was so impressed that a nine year old with a ton of friends around on HIS DAY would take so much time with her little girl.

"They are good kids," Harm's voice drifted up softly next to her. "Better than I was at that age."

"I don't remember being that young," Mac smiled.

"I'll bet you were a beautiful baby," he smiled broadly and sang the next line. "_'Cause baby, look at you now."_

She smiled back. "Think I was more the ugly duckling type."

"I can't believe that."

She nodded to Chloe. "Look at her. She is so good with kids."

"Never would have guessed it from the rotten kid she was."

"Hey," Mac defended and then relented. "She was a brat wasn't she?"

Harm just nodded.

"Thank you for introducing her to Mariana."

"Mariana is a great young woman. She helps her grandmother a lot and with the boys too. It is like I get two for one."

"The boys like her," she stated. "Kids need a female influence at that young age."

Harm looked down and away. He knew she didn't mean it as a slam, but it was still hard sometimes to know that his children's mother was incapable of giving.

"Hey, I'm sorry."

"Not your fault," he put up his hand. "We all survive in this imperfect world and with enough love, it won't matter that we didn't get the normal life."

"We both turned out OK," she said.

"I think so."

A water balloon landed at Harm's feet. He looked down into the smiling face of Jimmy – the terror. "Of course you know, little man – this means war." Two more balloons crashed at his feet tossed by his sons. Harm was off. Mac watched as he played with the boys. Lots of laughing and smiling. It was hard to believe he was the same man she knew all those years ago.

The week wore on. Harm got up every morning and did his morning routine. He made breakfast and lunch for himself the boys; only this week he included Mac, Chloe and Hailey. Chloe and Mac always offered to take the boys for the day or to clean up, but Harm refused. It was their vacation. On Thursday morning; Mac would not take NO for an answer.

"We are planning on going to the Zoo and the Wild Animal Park."

"If you are sure."

"We are. In fact AJ, Jimmy and Cassia are coming too."

"That is a lot of kids for two such frail women," he goaded – mainly directed at Chloe.

"Mariana is joining us," Chloe jumped in as she was clearing the table. "Not that we couldn't handle it alone – being girls and all."

"Wouldn't want you to over tax yourself, Chlo," he smiled back at her. "Cut into all that nail filing, hair curling, boy talking time."

"Rabb -," she looked at the boys looking up at her. "I'll hash this out with you later."

He laughed. He had been trying so hard with Chloe since she came. He knew her concerns – hell he had them for himself – but he was really trying to let her know that his intentions were not to tear Mac's life apart. In fact he was still unsure what his intentions were, but they were in no way to ruin or change Mac's life. Again, maybe the hero Harm was back only this time he was not saving her as much as distracting her during a difficult time.

On his way out he offered to meet them for dinner – his treat – but again, Mac refused and said that she didn't know where they would be and that they may not even be home for dinner. She was loving the idea that she was controlling this situation. Harm had to trust her. He did.

That afternoon someone came see Harm without an appointment.

"Mr. Rabb, I am Dr. Wallen," the man extended his hand. "I am Linda's psychiatrist."

Harm was instantly annoyed. He motioned for the doctor to sit down mainly because he needed to sit down himself. "Why are you here, doctor?"

"I need to discuss Linda's treatment with you," the doctor said flatly.

Harm was confused.

"And I guess the mountain had to come to Mohammad." The irritation in the doctor's voice was clear as a bell.

"You need to speak with Linda's father," he shut him down.

"You are her husband and --."

"WAS … Was is the operative word," Harm corrected. "And then it was in name only."

"I'm sorry." The doctor's superiority vanished. "I understood that you have children."

"We do."

"I don't understand."

"Look, doctor, I don't mean to be insensitive but I am not the one to help Linda get back on her feet."

"She has been talking about you and the children – twins – as I understand it. Boys – age three."

"They are not quite two."

"I see, well she would like to make the marriage work," the doctor pressed.

At that Harm stood up. "Enough."

"Mr. Rabb, Mrs. Rabb needs your help."

"She is not Mrs. Rabb. The marriage was annulled."

"Why am I feeling such resistance from you about your wife's metal health?"

"She is not my wife."

"She is the mother of your children."

Harm forced himself to remain calm. "Do you know that you are the sixth or seventh doctor in as many months."

"I have only started working with Linda recently and I do know that she had trouble finding a therapy that would work for her."

"I go through this with each one of them," he sighed. "You need to get her files."

"Why don't you tell me what you think I need to know?"

"I don't have time for this," he dialed a number he knew by heart. "Walter Lawson, please. . . . Rabb, Harmon Rabb . . . Walter? I have a new doctor here in my office. I want you to tell him why I am not the person to be discussing Linda's treatment plan with. . . . Now, Walter."

Harm handed the phone over to the doctor and left the office. On his way out he realized that his door was open and that Harriet heard every word. She gave him a sympathetic smile but he would have none of it.

The day never picked up for Harm. He was playing phone tag with Mac all day, and eventually gave up trying to reach her and just told her when he would be home. He had another conversation about Linda with her father, Walter, but he still didn't feel like he was being heard.

When he walked in the door, Mac was in the kitchen and the kids were in the TV room watching animal planet. They apparently didn't get enough animals in one day. The house was uncharacteristically calm and inviting. Whatever Mac was cooking smelled great.

"I'm sorry have you been cleared in the kitchen?" He asked looking into a pot of something on the stove.

"Vegetarian Chili," she answered his question before he could even ask. "And yes, I have been cleared on KP."

"Did you have fun today?"

"We had a great time. I am sorry that you couldn't join us."

"Me too," he started picking the radishes out of the salad until she slapped his hand. "Were the boys well behaved or was there a lot of 'wait 'til your father gets home' threats?"

"David and Zander were perfect. Jimmy needs to have a little time behind the woodshed."

"Corporal punishment, Mac? I am surprised at you."

"OK, how about bread and water for a week. He is a hellion."

"He is going through a phase – middle child thing. At least that is what Bud keeps telling me," he smiled. "Is that corn bread I smell?"

"It is. Go wash up for dinner and get the kids."

He pulled a very blue-collar voice from his belly. "That's what I like, my food on the table when I gets home from a hard day," he grabbed her around the waist and pulled her close. "Come here woman."

He was just about to kiss her when he realized who he was and who she was. He let her go, grabbed another radish from the salad and slipped away. Mac just laughed. Finally she had gotten him to drop his guard for just a moment.

After dinner Chloe came into the room to grab the keys. She was headed out. "I'm gone."

"Have fun, honey," Mac called after her.

"Where is she going?" He asked.

"Concert or something. Not sure."

"Who with?"

"Mariana invited her."

Harm put down the dishtowel he was using and followed after Chloe.

He caught up to her in the garage. "Do you know where you are going?" he called after her.

"I can read a map, Harm," she sneered back at him.

"Uh huh," he said. "Do you have a cell phone?"

"I am not some dumb kid, Rabb. I am nearly twenty one."

"Nearly and not quite."

"Yes I have a cell phone. Yes I know your number, Mac's number and I can dial 911 with the best of them."

He scanned her up and down. She was too young and too scantily clad to go out like that. Harm said a quick thank you to the powers that be that he had boys and not girls.

"WHAT?" She accused.

"I am assuming that there will be young men where you are going."

"Not going to a convent, commander."

"And drinking?"

She nodded – there was no smart remark to that.

"Will you be drinking?"

"No," she said flatly, but she was sincere.

"Ok," he pulled the keys to his Vette out of his pocket. "Have a good time, be safe – call if you need to – no questions asked."

"You are letting me drive your corvette?"

"Don't make me regret it."

She spied him suspiciously for a moment. "Why do I feel like I was just given a quarter to go to the movies so you could be alone with Mac."

"I can't say." That was not his intent. If he had an intent, it was to win Chloe's friendship back.

"If there is a towel on the door, don't come in?" She asked smugly.

"Don't be crude. It doesn't become you. It never did," he said firmly. "You are too young and too lovely to be this hostile. You need to give some people the benefit of the doubt."

"Like you?"

"Like yourself," he turned and called over his shoulder. "Have a good time."

The boys were beat and fell asleep right after dinner. Hailey was right behind them. When Mac had returned from putting Hailey down, Harm had built a fire and opened all the windows and doors. The wind was blowing off the ocean and sent a cool crisp summer chill through the house.

"Even in these hills, it still feels like we are right on the water," Mac said.

"I guess there are times when I miss being at sea," he motioned toward all the open windows. "Not like being there, but as close as I can get these days."

"I put the water on for tea."

"That would be nice, thanks."

When she got back he was at the edge of the yard looking toward the horizon. He was lost in thought. She joined him tentatively.

"Harm? Do you want some time by yourself?" She asked.

"No, no, please. He moved to make room for her at his post," he took the offered cup of tea. "I love this spot. Come here all the time at night when the house is quiet or in the morning before the boys get up."

"I can see why."

"It has been very nice having you here, Mac."

"For us too," she swallowed hard. "It will be difficult to leave on Saturday."

"So, stay."

"Stay?"

"Yeah, I have had almost no time to talk to you."

"Hard to do with twins."

"Brushing my teeth is hard to do with twins," he noticed that she shivered. "Come on, let's go inside."

They sat down on the couch. "So tell me, Mac. What is going on with you?"

"You see it."

"Chloe had told me before you decided to come to San Diego that you and Alan were trying to work it out."

"Not really trying."

"I'm sorry."

"Me too. He is a good man with a good heart – he just never learned how to take responsibility."

"It takes discipline."

"And a lot of hard work," she laughed. "How is Linda?"

"I really can't talk about her tonight," he said sharply, then turned to her with a sad smile. "I'm sorry. You don't deserve that. Linda is making life as difficult as she can for herself."

"And you too?"

"Yeah," he steeled his spine. "Well as much as she can. As much as I will let her."

They were silent for a long while. Harm broke the silence with a laugh.

"What is so funny?"

"We are," he continued to laugh. "Look at us. Four years later drinking tea, talking like adults while our kids are sleeping in the other room."

"Why is that funny?"

"I don't know. I just seems funny to me. You and I could barely agree on anything much less sit calmly in a room and not fight."

"Did we fight?"

"It was more like banter – but there were a few times when you were really mad at me."

"And a few more when you had nothing nice to say about me."

"But I always loved you." The words came out before he knew it. They startled him, but he made no attempt to reel them back.

"I know you did," she said when she was sure he was not going to recant.

"I wish I had known that about you," he looked down.

"You didn't?"

"Maybe, but not the way I wanted you to."

"How did you want me to?"

He looked up into her eyes, leaned over and put his hand behind her neck and pulled her toward him. He waited to be sure that she was not going to pull away. She wasn't. He kissed her: once, twice and a third time. That was the one which shot desire – old and new – through each of them. It ended reluctantly. He placed his cheek next to hers and inhaled the moment.

"Daddy," a little voice called from the doorway. "Daddy, I need to go to the bathroom."

Harm kissed her cheek quickly and pressed her hand and went to help his son. When he returned Mac was not in the living room. She was outside at his post watching the horizon. He came up behind her and wrapped his arms around her. She nestled back into him.

"Do you know what our problem was?" she asked.

"I have a list about a mile long," he responded. "But would love to hear your assessment."

"Bad timing."

He thought for a moment. Thought about Linda and the haranguing that would not end soon. He thought about Alan and the fact that she had just made a decision to divorce her husband little less than a month ago. Then there were the three thousand miles between them and three children to consider.

"Seems like that will continue to be the story of US," he pulled her closer.

She turned in his arms and he released his hold. "I'm sorry," she said sadly.

"Me too."

She started to walk away, but he held onto her hand. "Does this mean you are going to leave on Saturday?"

"Shouldn't I?"

"No."

"You want us to stay?"

"For as long as you want to."

"Harm?"

He shook his head and put his other hand up in a surrender pose. "No strings, I enjoy having you here," he nodded to the house. "And the boys like you too."

"Maybe a few more days."

"Can I take you to dinner on Saturday night – an adults' dinner – leave the kids with a sitter or locked in a closet."

She smiled. "Is that a good idea?"

"We'll invite Bud and Harriet," he finally let go of her hand. "Your honor is safe."

"It is not my honor that I am worried about."

He cocked his head as if to ask what.

She pointed to her heart.

"That is safe too."

She nodded and retreated into the house.


	5. 5

Title: **In A Garden**

Chapter Five

By: LizD

Written: January 2004

Disclaimers: No disrespect to JAG's cast, crew or creators. With love and thanks.

**In A Garden – Part 5**

Mac, Chloe and Hailey stayed another seven days with some prodding from Harriet and Harm. The night before they were set to leave, Chloe was in her room packing.

"Man on deck," Harm said knocking on her door, but remained in the hallway.

"You can take the man out of the Navy, but you can't take the Navy out of the man," she said stuffing clothes into her duffel.

"Does that mean you're descent?"

"For Christ's sake, Harm. Come in."

He walked in and surveyed the damage she had done to his study. "Some things never change," he stated.

She scanned him up and down. "I could say the same thing about you."

"So Mac tells me that you are not headed back to Georgetown until next semester."

"That is a true statement."

"She also tells me you are pre-law."

"Also correct," she was annoyed by his questions.

"So what are your plans this summer?"

"Thought I would write the great American novel and retire on the proceeds to the movie rights."

"Ever thought of clerking in a law firm?" he asked directly.

"Working twenty-four hours a day for no cash --- yeah, I thought about it – dismissed it out of hand."

He picked up some shoes she left drying on the radiator and handed them to her. "You and Mariana hit it off pretty well."

She took the shoes and dropped them on the floor. "Say what you have to say, Harm."

"We need a law clerk."

"Who is we, paleface?" She put her hand on her hip and challenged him.

"I – me – rather the agency."

"You are asking me to clerk in your office?"

"It would be a lot of hard work and I can't pay you."

"Can't understand why you don't have people lining up outside the door with an offer like that."

"However, you would earn college credit."

"And?"

"And I would give you free room and board and – say fifty dollars a week."

"Out of your own pocket?" She was confused by the offer.

"My money not green enough for you?"

"What else? Do I have to wash the kitchen floor or scrub the toilets?"

"Be here the couple nights a week that I can't be for the boys."

"So you are looking for a live in baby sitter."

"Jesus, Chloe you are harder to talk to than -- ."

"Than who?" she demanded.

"Never mind," he exhaled forcefully. "Here is the deal – up front and on the table – room, board, use of the car and fifty bucks a week for the summer – or until I wring your neck."

"In exchange for?"

"Thirty hours a week at the office clerking and ten hours a week watching the kids."

She ran her tongue over her teeth. "Which ten hours?"

"Tuesdays and Thursdays – five to ten."

She thought about it a little more – she was expecting the deal to be much worse. "Would I have to stay in this room?"

"You would have the room Mac is in with the private bathroom."

"Are you going to check where I am going every night?"

"Come and go as you please – although it would make Mac happier to know that I at least rated some courtesy."

"You talked about this with Mac first?" Chloe didn't like the idea of Harm and Mac talking about her.

"I broached her on it briefly – but no – not really."

She thought a little more. "I get the Vette?"

He was struggling on this point.

"Harm?"

"Is it a deal breaker?"

"Not sure," she smiled; she knew she had him.

He let out a reluctant groan. "You ride to work with me on Monday, Wednesday and Friday and the rest of the time you get the Vette."

"No cooking? No cleaning?"

He picked up some dirty towels she had tosses across his desk chair. "Your own."

"Ok."

"No drinking – no boys – males – no parties – in the house."

"Done."

"Done?"

"You got yourself a clerk/sitter," she held out her hand for him to shake.

He took it reluctantly. "God help me."

"Somebody has to."

Harm rolled his eyes and started to walk out.

"Hey," she called after him. "This won't make me think you're a nice guy or anything, you know."

"I know."

"So why are you doing this?"

"Cause I am a nice guy," he grinned and left.

"Says you."

A few weeks later Harriet was in Harm's office dropping off some files that needed to be signed. Harm was buried in paper. He barely noticed that she was there.

"Chloe is doing a great job," Harriet stated to get his attention.

"Who?" He took the folders from her and started to sign.

"Chloe."

"Yeah – what is this?" he pulled out one thick bunch of papers.

"Ruiz custody."

"They settled?"

"Kate Mendelson took care of that one."

"Good ol' Kate," Harm smiled and signed off on the seven or eight places he was supposed to sign. "Thanks, Harriet."

Harriet was not through. "Why did you do it?"

"Do what?"

"Why did you take her on?"

"Who? Kate?"

"Chloe."

"Oh, um. It was actually Mac's idea," he went back to reading the files he was working on but realized that Harriet wanted more. "Not the staying in San Diego part, but clerking in a law office for the summer. It is good experience for her."

"Yes it is."

"I was glad to be able to offer her the opportunity," he said nodding toward the door suggesting that she leave. She didn't move. "Something else Harriet?"

"Have you talked to Mac recently?"

"Last night," he looked back down.

"Must have talked to her after I did."

"I guess."

"She seems to be doing pretty well."

"Who Mac? I suppose."

"Harm for God's sake." Harriet was frustrated.

"What?" He finally looked up from his files. "What?"

"What are you going to do about it?"

"What?"

"Mac?"

"Harriet," he nodded for her to leave.

"Are you just going to let her go AGAIN?"

"I am not LETTING her go," he stated. "Our lives are more complicated now."

"Your lives were less complicated then and you still didn't do anything about it."

"Harriet – she lives three thousand miles away – what am I supposed to do?"

"All I am saying is that you have been different – dare I say HAPPIER – since her trip west and you started talking again."

"So, you can't leave well enough alone?"

"No."

"Try," he smiled at her to let her know that he was not angry but he was through discussing Mac with her.

The summer progressed as summers often do. For the young and free, work and goals for the future seemed so far away they didn't seem important. All that was important was the weekend and the next party and who was dating whom. At least that is how it appeared to Harm. Chloe and Mariana became fast friends – thick as thieves – and developed a large group of 'running mates,' as Harm called them. Chloe never missed a day of work nor did she fail to take care of the boys on her assigned nights (which Harm often excused her from), but she also never missed an opportunity to go out. Harm assumed it was with her friends though he met few of them.

There were a couple of boys – sorry, young men - that would call or come by to take her out on the weekend. Harm didn't like any of them, but was not given an opportunity to voice an opinion or to act the concerned - - - What was he to Chloe? Brother? Uncle? Boss? Land Lord? Surely they weren't friends. Who knows – whatever they were to each other was yet to be defined.

He barely ever saw her at home. She would pass through at breakfast, but never actually ate. She was good to the boys when she was home and was very attentive to them. At work she and Harm were always going in different directions. The only time they actually had to talk was the drive to the office in the morning. But it was ten minutes – does not give two strangers enough time to work up into a good conversation. Usually that time was spent talking about the cases. Chloe let him do most of the talking, which Harm took as disinterest.

By the fourth week, Harm thought she was blowing her opportunity to learn something that summer and was disappointed that he had made the effort for no reason.

"Mac, am I doing something wrong?" he asked one night on the phone.

Harm and Mac had taken to speaking a couple, three times a week.

"Why do you think that?"

"I don't know – she is the same old Chloe."

"Not that you knew the old Chloe – but what were you expecting?

"I don't know – something," he sighed. "I expected her to be excited about working for a good cause and – and – and I don't know."

"Maybe she might think differently of you?"

"This has nothing to do with me."

"Why do you care what she thinks?"

"I don't," he relented. He did care. "I do but that is not why I took her on. I think she has a lot of potential. You should see some of the briefs she has turned in. She is sharp."

"Have you talked to her about it?"

"When - before or after she gets home from a date, heads to a concert or takes off for the beach?"

"At the office."

"Mac, we are so swamped – we could use thirty Chloe's."

"And at least one more Harmon Rabb?"

"Cloning has been seriously considered," he laughed.

"Not sure the world could handle another one."

"Would give me more free time - - - to pursue other interests," he said suggestively. "How are you, anyway?"

"I'm well – very well. Work is hectic – par for the course. But I do like having the house to myself on the weekends."

"Alan is taking Hailey every weekend?"

"Not everyone – but at least three out of the last four weekends."

"How is it between you and him?"

"Fine. We are fine."

Harm had to ask this next question and he need to be a casual as possible. "Any hope for a reconciliation?"

"I think we are past that."

"But you talk and are civil with each other."

"For Hailey. It is good for her to see us getting along."

"What about what's good for Mac?"

She paused and wanted to say something suggestive about what would be "good for Mac" but she chose to not say anything.

He continued. "Hey – you know what? I have a trip to Washington this Friday - - -."

"We could meet for dinner."

"We could," he was disappointed that that was all she was offering.

"Or?"

"Well, I was thinking --."

"That always gets you into trouble."

"Hear me out. I am done with what I need to do on Friday afternoon. I could fly back late Saturday night and we could – I don't know … spend the day together."

"Spend the day together?"

"Yeah – sailing, a picnic. We could take SARAH up."

"Your plane is still back here?"

"Yep. Sitting there; waiting for me – with your name on it -- literally."

"The last time we took her up it did not turn out so well."

"No poachers, I promise."

"In fact flying with you has never been a good experience," she laughed. It was good to laugh about the old days.

"So we are due."

"Let's see how the rest of the week goes. Where are you staying?"

"Well – I usually stay at the Marriott – but it would have to go on the agency tab and we are always trying to save a buck."

"Or you could sleep on my couch," she offered because she felt compelled to. He had managed to back her into the corner.

"Or there – or some where in the general vicinity of your couch," he grinned. "In order to save the agency some cash."

"All in the name of a good cause," she smiled and he could hear it on the other end.

"A very good cause," she was silent. "I would give you a receipt and you could write it off on your taxes."

She stifled a laugh as not to let him know that he got to her, but he knew. "What time does your plane land?" She sighed, but clearly she loved the idea of a night and day alone with Harm.

Wednesday afternoon Harm was working in his office when Walter Lawson entered unannounced.

"Rabb."

Harm looked up. "Walter. What can I do for you?"

"You can tell me about my grandsons."

"They are fine." Harm hated when Walter asked about them. Walter made no effort to get to know the kids. They were objects to own and display, not little persons to nurture and love. Harm continued, unphased. "They are better than fine. They are well adjusted and happy."

"Still have Mrs. Johnson taking care of them?"

"When I am at work. But they are home with me every night."

"Linda has been home from the hospital for over a week now."

"Good."

"She is doing very well."

"Also good."

"She wants to see the boys."

"We'll set up a time for Sunday – lunch or something."

"She is ready to take on more of a role in their lives than that."

Just then Chloe knocked on Harm's open door. "Excuse me, sorry to interrupt. Harm I need the keys, I have to get these papers filed," she waved a bunch of documents at him.

He stood up and pulled the keys from his pocket and extended his hand for the papers which she handed over reluctantly. "Who reviewed these?"

"You did, HARM," she played.

"Who originally wrote them?"

"That would be me – your faithful servant."

"Very good. Note that, would you?" He handed the file and the keys to her. "Thank you."

Harm turned his attention back to Walter – who had watched the entire exchange. He walked to the other side of the office and looked out the window to the parking lot below. "So, Linda wants to take a large role."

"She does."

"How much larger?"

"She and her doctor feel that she could be the primary care person."

"Excuse me?" Harm flipped back around.

"What I mean to say is that she could take over the responsibility of taking care of them while you were at work."

"Isn't that a little much?" He shook his head. "She just got out of the hospital."

"It was more of a rest home than a hospital."

"Walter this has disaster written all over it."

"Harm, she is better. She misses her boys. She is their mother."

"Forgive me if that doesn't pull my heart strings. She has been away more than half their lives."

"They are turning two in a couple of weeks."

"Yes they are."

"She has already lost two years; she wants to make up for lost time."

"My first reaction is to say NO."

"I trust that is not your last reaction," he warned in the I-own-the-world way and can-make-life-very-difficult tone.

"It is for today. Give me some time to think about it."

"So you won't let her see them?"

"I didn't say that. I said I wouldn't let her be their child care five days a week. I am going to need some time to see her with them and to talk to them about it, first. We could ease into it."

"You are making a mistake," he stated with as much attitude as a man used to getting his own way can.

"I am thinking about my boys."

"Then we are both men who put their children first."

"There is nothing I won't do for them," Harm warned.

Walter stood and fixed his eyes on Harm's. "I know exactly how you feel."

That night Harm was up late working on a Flanders case. A brother and sister, Carroll (13) and Mike (10), needed to be placed in foster care. The idea was to keep them together, but the problem was they fought like cats and dogs. They had been tried in a number of homes, but lasted less than a month in each place. The other problem was, they refused to be separated. That had been tried too, but their behavior was worse when they weren't together. It was going to take a miracle to find the right place for them before the system just locked them up and threw away the key. Harm was looking into "military" alternatives. He knew a couple of former drill instructors that might just be the perfect match for these kids. Convincing them to take the kids on was a bigger challenge.

Chloe had just gotten home and walked by the study. She was carrying a bunch of books. She stopped and looked in.

"What are you still doing up?" She asked. "You got court in the morning."

"Preparing," he looked up and was surprised to see all the books in her arms. "Where were you?"

"Law library," she dropped the books on the chair. "Never knew research could be so much fun," she was being sarcastic (as usual) but there was something about her tone that led Harm to think that she was doing exactly what she wanted to do.

"What were you researching?"

"Stuff."

He laughed and shook his head. She was never going to give him a break. "Night Chloe."

"Night," she stepped away and then stepped back. "Hey, Harm."

He looked up.

"You are staying with Mac in Washington?"

"Yeah."

"Leaving the kids with me?"

"Mrs. Johnson said she would keep them over night."

"Could have left them with me."

"Thank you, maybe next time."

"There will be a next time?" She was now referring to his visiting Mac not his going out of town.

"Maybe."

"Ok," she started to leave.

"Not going to warn me to be on my best behavior."

"Don't mess up."

"I wasn't planning on it."

"Best laid plans, Harmon."

"I hear you. Go to bed."

"Yes, Dad," she shook her head and left.

Harm watched the last spot she was in for a long moment. Was the ice beginning to melt?


	6. 6

Title: **In A Garden**

Chapter Six

By: LizD

Written: January 2004

Disclaimers: No disrespect to JAG's cast, crew or creators. With love and thanks.

**In A Garden – Part 6**

The day was not going as planned, but that was not necessarily a bad thing. The alarm did not go off, but Harm and the boys were up and out before Chloe woke up. Mrs. Johnson had a doctor's appointment that she had told Harm about, but he had promptly forgotten. He needed to be back to pick them up by 3PM. The car was out of gas but he made it to the gas station on fumes. The first break he got that day was that court was pushed back a couple of hours. It gave him one more shot at Gunnery Sergeant Maria Ricci.

The Gunny was a weapons and training officer based out of Camp Pendleton; one of the best in her field. She had been in the marines for twenty-six years, married to a marine and raised two sons to be marines. Sadly her husband and sons were deployed in Iraq four years prior; only her youngest son came home albeit not as whole as he left.

Harm met her through a series of coincidental events. The son was having issues with his ex-wife over visitation and the Gunny was given Harm's name. She was a crusty old bird and Harm liked her from the get go, but she was not normally the person you would think of when thinking of a maternal influence.

Harm had spoken to her about Carroll and Mike Flanders. The gunny was not impressed with their history. She had been training troubled marines all her life, and she was not looking to bring her work home with her, but she did have something to give. Harm got her to agree to meet the kids the morning of court.

The meeting took place an hour before. The three hit it off immediately. Carroll and Mike were actually very smart and interesting children. They tried to push the Gunny the way they had every other family before, but the Gunny did something that no other family had tried. She played into it. If the kids wanted to fight verbally – she corrected their debating style. If physically, then she would give them the proper forum to do that. Harm had to laugh. He left them alone for about a half and hour, when he came back the tables and chairs were all pushed to the sides and the Gunny was on the floor showing Carroll the proper technique to pin her brother.

"We have an agreement Gunny?" he called over to her.

"Do your thing, Commander." In the Gunny's eyes everyone was military or nothing.

Harm made a very cogent argument in favor of this placement. The judge was still leery. These children and their discipline problems had already taken up a great deal of the court's time. Another placement that would not work would again, take up the court's and Child Protective Services time. CPS was making a plea to have the children split up and assigned to juvenile hall until such time as a psychologist has determined that they can again be placed in foster care - separately. Harm wanted to prevent that.

"Mr. Rabb, convince me that this placement will not bring these children before my bench again."

Harm stood and thought for a moment. He looked at the kids – who I must say were looking pretty cocky and unaffected by the proceedings. He looked at the Gunny who was willing to get up and walk away – no hard feelings. Sitting two rows behind the Gunny was Chloe Madison. He was surprised to see her. He looked back at the judge.

"Your honor, I could give you a line of liberal double talk about the system and the effect that it has on the youth of today. I could play in to your humanity and the responsibility we have as a society to give every opportunity to the kids caught up in the system. I could tell you that Carroll and Mike Flanders have learned their lesson and will straighten up and fly right, in spite of the fact that they don't appear to have learned a thing. I could tell you all about the Gunny and her take-no-prisoners attitude and what a positive effect it will have on the Flanders. I could try to convince you that this is the perfect match and it would be a win-win for everyone; that the Flanders' case will never be brought before you again. But those kinds of pleas only work on TV. We are not on TV. This is the real world. I can't say that this placement will work. I can't promise you that the Flanders will not continue to be a discipline problem. The bottom line is we have two siblings who want to stay together and we have a willing adult who has agreed to take on that responsibility. Until such time that there is no adult to take these kids on, we have to keep trying. And when there isn't, then we can lock them up and throw away the key."

The judge laughed at that last line. "No one is suggesting locking them up and throwing away the key, Mr. Rabb?" she shook her head and turned her attention on the kids. "Carroll and Mike Flanders," she called. Harm had to prompt them to stand. "Is it your contention that you want to be placed together?"

"Yes." Carroll said.

Harm prompted her again.

"Your honor," she added.

"She is my sister," Mike followed. "We got to stay together."

"Have to." His sister corrected and Mike made a face at her.

The judge continued. "You know that you have tried this court's and a lot of other people's patience."

"Yes, your honor. We'll do better." Carroll said.

"Gunnery Sergeant Maria Ricci." The gunny stood up. "You have been completely informed about Carroll and Mike Flanders."

"Yes, ma'am."

"You are willing to bring these children into your home and be responsible for them?"

"Yes, ma'am."

The judge shook her head again. "So ordered," she banged the gavel. "Semper Fi, gunny," she said folding up her notes and leaving the bench.

Harm had to talk with CPS and deal with some other paper work right then. He looked back and Chloe was still waiting. Eventually the gunny took the Flanders and left. Chloe stepped up to Harm.

"Interesting argument, Harm."

"It worked."

"Do you think this time is going to be any different?"

"I don't know. The gunny is a tough nut to crack and I think those kids have met their match, but who knows," he looked down at her. "What are you doing here"

"Came to see the great Harmon Rabb in court."

He rolled his eyes and headed for the door.

She followed. "So this is what you do now?"

"You have been seeing it all summer, just catching on now?"

"Don't you miss the excitement of real court?"

He stopped and turned to her. "Real court? Doesn't get much more real than this," he started walking again.

"Aren't you hankering to try a juicy murder case?"

"Had plenty of that at JAG."

"Maybe – but custody battles, dead beat dads and wills can get old real quick especially with no paycheck at the end of the day."

"It was never about the money," he stated flatly. "And it doesn't get old for the parents or the kids involved."

"Point taken."

"Why are you really here?"

"I told you. I wanted to see what you were like in court."

"And?"

"Not bad, Rabb. Not bad at all," she clapped him on the shoulder.

He shook his head and smiled at her. She was never going to give him a break. "Come on, I'll buy you lunch."

"Anything but Sushi and it's my treat."

Harm could not prevent his smile from lighting up his face. She gave him more than a break.

"What? I can buy you lunch if I want to," Chloe protested.

"Yes you can," he wrapped his free arm around her and gave her a quick hug. She allowed it.

Harm and Chloe left the courthouse unaware that they had been captured on film by an inconspicuous man.

They had had a very nice lunch – it was quick and they talked only about work – although the weekend with Mac was like an elephant sitting at the table. He discovered that she had been spending most of her days off and many of her nights at the law library – not out with her girlfriends or boyfriends blowing her summer. This clerkship had gotten to her. She was inspired and excited about law school again. Harm was glad he was able to have given her that opportunity. He was also glad that she didn't seem to dislike him as much as she used to – rather she respected him as a lawyer, anything personal was still up in the air.

Harm picked up the boys at 3PM and took them to the park for the afternoon. He could have asked Chloe as it was her day off and technically (since it was a Thursday) she should have been there for them at five, but he told her to go enjoy the rest of the day and the weekend.

"And I don't mean at the library," he added.

"Don't worry about me, Harm. I know how to have fun."

"You are going to have the house to yourself for two days," he playfully warned. "Not too much fun."

"I should be saying that to you."

He smiled and tried to muster a 'nothing is going to happen' face but he couldn't. He had plans for that weekend.

"Go get your boys," she waved him off as she jumped into the Vette and tore out of the parking lot.

Harm really didn't have time to take off that afternoon considering he was going to be out of the office all day on Friday, but he found no greater joy in life than 'wasting' time with his sons. He always knew he would love being a father, but it surprised him how much he did not resent being a single parent. 'Back in the day' when he was thinking about marriage and kids, he always believed that he would move heaven and earth to ensure that his kids had a two-parent home. Even that silly deal with Mac about going halves on a kid, ensured that the kid would have two parents in his/her life. He never counted on loving his kids they way he did. He never counted on feeling the rearing responsibility as profoundly as he did. He never counted on someone like Linda being a co-parent. Now he was so jealous of their time and of the influence of others, he didn't want to leave them with anyone. Was he over compensating? Was he being overly protective? Or was it something else entirely?

When they arrived home at 6PM, a white Mercedes Benz SL 600 followed him into his driveway. Harm had not noticed that it was parked down the street when he drove by. He was pulling the kids out of their car seats as Walter Lawson approached.

"Rabb," he acknowledged. "Hi kids," he said in his mock grandfatherly voice. "Got presents for you in the car."

He nodded to the car and Walter's newest youngest bimbo was standing there with bags of toys for the kids. She could not have been more than twenty-one and if Harm had to bet, her bust size was larger than her IQ. David and Alexander looked up at their dad. Harm nodded and they ran to Miss Thing.

"Walter." Harm was not impressed with this show of generosity. "What can I do for you?"

"We need to finish our conversation."

"About?"

"Linda needs to be with her sons."

"And she will be. Lunch on Sunday," he relented. "As a start."

Walter didn't like that answer. "Rabb, don't make me do something that I don't want to do."

"Are you threatening me, Walter?"

"Stating a fact."

Just then Chloe came out from the back yard. She was in a bikini and nothing else. She was on her way to the car to get some books out of the trunk.

"Rabb," she called to him. "Mac called and needs you to call before you leave."

It didn't occur to Harm that she shouldn't be there or dressed like that until he saw the look on Walter's face. Walter looked shocked, then enticed and then annoyed. He had recognized her from the office.

"It is all becoming clear to me." Walter looked back at Harm with disgust. "The new coed law clerk, babysitter, housekeeper. What else does she do for you, Rabb?"

"I don't like what you are implying, Walter."

"You don't have to like it," he scowled. "But you will damn sure pay for it."

"Don't make accusations you can't prove, Lawson."

"I don't have to prove a damn thing," he got very close to Harm. "The mere hint of impropriety is enough these days. Get yourself a good lawyer, Rabb"

"I am a good lawyer, Walter."

"We'll see."

Harm was distracted by his little tête-à-tête with Linda's father during the flight and through his meetings. He thought he had put it behind him, until he found that he was panicked and worried about his sons. What exactly was Walter Lawson capable of doing? Could he choose to sue for sole custody? Did he have a chance in hell of winning? Would Harm have to live with joint custody or worse - visitation? It was all too much, too soon and spinning out of control. The plans he had for the weekend were lost in all the other drama spinning around in his head. He tried to calm down and focus. Nothing was going to happen in the next twenty-four hours. Just relax.

Harm arrived at Mac's house shortly before their appointed time. Mac was not there. He left to do all the things he wanted to do but had forgotten. He had planned on making dinner so he had shopping to do. He stopped to get her some flowers and to pick up something for Hailey – even though he would not see her this trip. He got back to her house later than he had planned.

"Hi," she had a bright smile when she opened the door. "Was just about to call you."

"Sorry I am late," he pushed the flowers toward her.

She took them and they exchanged a quick kiss on the cheek.

"Thank you," she said tentatively. She could feel that something was off. This was not the man who spoke to her just two nights ago.

"Thought we would stay in tonight and I would cook."

"Perfect. Actually, I have a little change of plans myself."

Just then Hailey came barreling around the corner, ran up and wrapped her arms around Harm's legs. "UNCLE HARM," she screamed with joy.

Harm picked her up in his free arm and let her hug him. "Hi, honey. Good to see you."

"Where is Zander?"

"Zander and David are at home."

"With Chloe?"

"Chloe is there."

Any stress that Harm was feeling was washed away with the little girl's presence.

Mac took the groceries into the kitchen and let Hailey show him around the house. Harm joined Mac in the kitchen as she was putting the flowers in a vase.

"I'm sorry," she stated.

"Why?" he leaned against the counter. "Don't be silly." If truth were told he was a little relieved.

"Alan had to go out of town on a case."

"It is fine. I like Hailey."

"She likes you," she looked at him a little sheepishly. "It is that timing thing again."

He just smiled at her.

"Are you OK?"

Harm launched into a speed session of telling her all the reasons why he was GREAT. He talked about the boys and the minor break through he had with Chloe. He talked about the Flanders kids and the gunny. The meeting he had that day was very promising. If Mac didn't know better Harm was on top of the world. But she did know better.

The three had a very nice evening. Hailey was pretty much the center of attention until it was time for her to go to bed. Mac did the bath and bedtime story thing, which allowed Harm to check in at the office and with his sons.

Mac came back to the living room after Hailey was down. "All quiet on the western front?" she asked playfully.

"For the moment," he moved over on the couch to let her join him. "So tell me about you? How was your day?"

They talked for a while. It was more superficial stuff: confirmation of flight times, what they would do the next day now that Hailey was included, etc. Mac had nixed the ride in SARAH. She did offer to leave Hailey with a sitter but Harm would not hear of it. Sitters were for work or for dinners out, not for all day on a day off. Mac agreed.

They went to bed around ten thirty when the conversation either had to take on a personal bent or they had to stop talking altogether. Neither one felt like it was the right time to do either. Harm did not get the couch; he got the guest room (aka Chloe's room).

Sometime around 0200 Mac woke, as she always did, to check on Hailey. Harm was up and sitting in the living room staring that the fire.

"Harm?"

"I'm sorry did I wake you?"

"No, not at all."

"I built a fire, I hope you don't mind."

She didn't. "What is going on?"

"Nothing, just couldn't sleep," he looked up at her quickly. "Go back to bed."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

He shook his head. Clearly he did want to talk about it, but he didn't know what to say. He waved her off.

"Come on Harm," she took the chair. "We have known each other too long and too well. You can talk to me."

"Can I? Can I really?" His tone was sharp but his voice was low. "Have we really known each other too long? Do we really KNOW each other at all?"

"What are you saying?"

"What are we to each other Mac?" he leaned back to look at all of her.

"I don't know what you mean – we are friends."

"Are we? Are we friends, really?"

"I thought so."

"Then why do I feel like I do when we are together?"

"What do you feel?"

"Not friendly," he got up and moved away. "It is the same old story with you Mac. Always a reason."

"What is going on Harm?" she knew that his mood had nothing to do with her. It was hard for her to remember that under his intensity.

"There is always a reason for everything, isn't there. Always a reason not to have what you want. Not to keep what you have earned. Not to have the life that you deserve."

"Harm."

"Always a reason to sacrifice yourself for the good of the cause."

"Harm – tell me what happened."

"Nothing – that is the point. Nothing has happened, nothing will happen. Not for us."

"This has nothing to do with us," she forced herself to believe that.

"I think it does, I think it has a lot to do with us. Hell probably has everything to do with us."

"You need to tell me what is going on," she stated calmly.

"Why? What difference could it possibly make?" he was so frustrated he didn't know what to do. "I shouldn't have come here. I am just wasting my time."

He left the living room and grabbed his bag out of the guest room.

She was up and met him at the door. "Harm where are you going? It's two o'clock in the morning."

"I'm sorry Mac. I just can't go through this again, not with you," he walked out.

She watched after him. He slammed the car into reverse and screeched to a halt at the end of the driveway after nearly taking down the stone fence and mailbox.

"DAMN IT!" He slammed his open palm on the steering wheel. "DAMN IT! DAMN IT! DAMN IT!"

There were hot tears streaming down his face and he wanted to hit something. Hit something as hard as he could with his bare hands. He wanted to break it and smash it to smithereens.

The door opened and Mac knelt down next to him. She put her hand on his arm.

"He is trying to take my kids, Mac," he looked down into her face. "He is going to take my boys."


	7. 7

Title: **In A Garden**

Chapter Seven

By: LizD

Written: January 2004

Disclaimers: No disrespect to JAG's cast, crew or creators. With love and thanks.

**In A Garden – Part 7**

X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x

"Mr. Rabb," the corporal's voice called from behind him. "Mr. Rabb, please take you seat. We will be landing soon."

"Thank you." Harm returned to his jump seat. He had called a few friends and gotten on a hop to San Diego on a marine transport. He would be home just as his kids were finishing breakfast.

The fact that he was less than an hour away reassured him. The fact that he had found his fight and was not about to go down without one hell of a battle reassured him. But now he was replaying the scenes from earlier that morning with Mac over and over in his head. The situation had gone from bad to worse. Spun out of control – as it were – before he could pull out – it crashed and burned. That is, he and Mac crashed and burned - again.

He left angry, very angry; angry, frustrated and abandoned – by Mac. He had no idea what Mac was feeling but that fact that she told him to leave was telling enough. The question now was how much damage did this ten-minute conversation have? Was there any way to recover from the latest incident?

It had started when he tried to leave, in hindsight he should have just driven away.

_**~ ~ ~ F ~ L ~ A ~ S ~ H ~ B ~ A ~ C ~ K ~ ~ ~ **_

"_He is trying to take my kids, Mac," he looked down into her face. "He is going to take my boys."_

"_Who?" Mac asked. She was totally unprepared for that statement._

"_Lawson," he realized she didn't know whom he was talking about. "Water Lawson. Linda's father."_

_Mac stated the obvious. "Harm, no one is going to taking David and Alexander from you." It was obvious to her. _

"_I need to go," he tried to push her away and close the door._

_She was immobile._

"_Mac, please." _

_She reached over and turned off the car. "You are not going anywhere."_

"_Mac, let me go."_

"_You are in no condition to drive," her command voice was still as strong as it ever had been. "We are going to talk this through."_

_x x x x x x x x x x x x x x_

_Inside Mac had made tea and Harm was pacing. She handed him the mug and nodded to the couch. They sat but Harm made no effort to explain anything._

"_Harm, tell me what's going on?"_

"_Linda wants the boys," he stated, annoyed that he was being forced to put words to it. Giving it credence and power._

"_What do you mean?"_

_He couldn't believe that she was making him say it twice. "She is out of the hospital and wants the boys."_

"_So why did you say that her father was going to take them from you?"_

_He got up and moved away. "Because whatever Linda wants, Linda gets."_

"_Is she asking for sole custody?"_

"_She is not asking for a damn thing," Harm raised his voice a little. _

_Mac quickly looked toward the hallway, worried about Hailey._

_He closed his eyes and shook his head to control his anger. He did not want to wake Hailey, he did not want to discuss it rationally or otherwise; he did not want to feel this helpless. All he wanted was to be home._

"_So you haven't talked to Linda?"_

"_I don't need to."_

"_Why not?"_

"_Because her father tells her what she wants and doesn't want."_

"_Harm you are not making any sense. Does Linda want them or does her father?"_

_He exhaled forcefully. "Six of one." _

"_Harm."_

"_Look, all I know is that Linda is out of the hospital – evidently her latest and greatest psychiatrist was able to work miracles. Hell, he convinced her that she wants to be a mother. The man ought to get a medal for that."_

"_Go on," she needed more of an explanation but so far she did now see anything really horrible._

"_Her father came to me and said that she wanted to take over for Mrs. Johnson and watch them while I am at work. I put my foot down."_

"_So she is not trying to get custody."_

"_Mac she is incapable of taking care of those boys by herself for twenty minutes much less all day everyday."_

_Mac tried to find the right words. "But you haven't talked to her?"_

"_No," he shook his head. _

"_So you don't really know what her intentions are?"_

"_I know what Walter's intentions are. And he will get those boys over my dead body – or his."_

"_Is there any way to leave her father out of it?"_

"_How? How the hell am I supposed to do that?" he checked his voice again. "No."_

"_Harm," she was struggling with her word choice. "I don't want you to take this the wrong way."_

"_What?"_

"_What would be so wrong with Linda taking care of the boys while you are at work?"_

"_Because she is incapable," he was appalled that she would even think such a question. "She has no idea what it takes to be with them. How much energy and patients it takes. She has no idea that David hates peanut butter and jelly and Zander will eat nothing else. She doesn't know that David has asthma or that Zander pretends to have it too. She doesn't know that – forget it," he didn't want to cite all the reasons why Linda was unfit as a mother. "She doesn't know what she is asking. Hell, she probably can't tell them apart."_

"_Doesn't she have a right to find those things out?" _

_His anger was building again. "A 'right'? She has a 'right'? What about the boys' rights? Or mine?"_

"_She is their mother."_

"_You can't prove that by me."_

"_Harm," she fought against herself. "She may not have been a good mother THUS FAR – but that doesn't mean she doesn't deserve an opportunity to do better."_

"_I can't believe you are taking her side."_

"_I am not taking her side," she walked toward him but he kept a safe distance. "It will be hard for you, but think about this rationally."_

"_So now you are calling me irrational."_

_He was being irrational. Mac continued. "I meant it would be hard for you to share them." _

_He wasn't listening._

"_Harm, if a woman walked into your office who had been struggling for the past two years with drug, alcohol and mental health issues but was finally on the road to better health and asked for your help to just see her kids – to try to build a relationship with them - wouldn't you help her?" she took a deep breath. "Wouldn't she deserve a second chance?"_

"_I don't know."_

"_You do know."_

"_I know I would not fight to give her sole custody. I would not rip her children away from a stable home – the only stable person in their lives just because she THINKS she is better."_

"_What makes you think she is fighting for sole custody?"_

_Harm flashed on the scene in the driveway. Chloe in her bikini, the boys taking toys from the bimbo, and Walter's superior 'now I've got you' look in his eyes. His words still rang in Harm's ears. _

"_Harm?"_

"_Look, I know these people and you don't," he said triumphantly. "I know what makes them tick and I know what they are capable of. It is all or nothing with them. I am done with letting them have it all. Never should have gotten involved with them in the first place."_

"_I really think you are overreacting."_

"_How the hell would you know?" he couldn't stop his voice from rising this time and it woke Hailey._

"_MOMMY!" she called from the other room._

_Mac got up and moved toward the hall._

"_I'm sorry," he said and he meant it even if his tone did not betray that._

_x x x x x x x x x x x x x x_

_Mac was back in a few minutes. _

"_Is she alright?" Harm asked._

"_She is not used to raised voices."_

"_You and Alan had the perfect marriage?" he sniped._

"_We did not argue – probably the death of us."_

"_You and I argued all the time -- didn't do much for us."_

_Mac took his last statement as the slap in the face it was intended to be. "You know what Harm, your side of that story is just that – YOUR SIDE."_

"_What the hell do you want from me, Mac?"_

"_I want to know if you are just taking this out on me 'cause I'm the only one in sight or if you have some old issues you want to clear up?"_

"_Nothing has changed, Mac." _

"_That is up to you, commander," she kept her voice low. "If you have something to say – then say it." _

"_There is nothing I can say to you," the fire in his eyes was filled with old and new anger. "Nothing that you would hear. Nothing that would make any difference at all. It is too late."_

"_You really believe that?"_

"_Damn straight. You know all the answers. You call all the shots. You always have."_

_She was silent for a moment. "You're right, Harm," she steeled her spine. "You better go."_

"_So ordered." Harm blasted out of the house._

_~ ~ ~ E ~ N ~ D ~ ~ ~ F ~ L~ A ~ S ~ H ~ B ~ A ~ C ~ K ~ ~ ~ _

He needed to call and apologize. And he would – but not right away. He needed to get things with his kids squared away first. It didn't matter when the apology was anyway – she would more than likely never let him get that close again.

X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x

Mac was up the rest of the night. She refused to consider calling him and never entertained the notion that he would call her. She wasn't angry - or let herself be angry - until he actually drove away and she knew he wasn't coming back. She had been able to control the feelings inside of her during the entire visit. Hell, she had been doing it for months – nay years – but more stringently in the past few months. But when she knew he was not coming back, that's when she got angry. Actually she was more hurt than angry.

The rest of the night one statement he made kept spinning around in her head:

"_I think it has a lot to do with us. Hell probably has everything to do with us."_

By itself it wasn't much. By itself, it was nothing but off the cuff remark said in a frustrated moment. The problem for Mac was that this was not a new concept to her. She had wondered recently how much of where she was, was due to where she came from – more specifically how much was as reaction to her failed relationship with Harm.

Ever since Harm came back into her life her feelings surrounding her marriage and divorce took on a decidedly philosophical bent.

Why had she left JAG? Was it because too much of him was left behind?

Why did she find Alan so attractive? Was it because he looked so much like him? She told herself NO at the time, and she did a very good job of convincing herself – and maybe it was true. Maybe it wasn't.

When she found Alan in bed with another woman and knew that he had orchestrated the "discovery", did she flash on the fact that for all of Harm's faults, he never would have done something that low? Is that why she couldn't forgive Alan – as least forgive him enough to try to make another attempt at reconciliation.

Was it interesting to note that Harm – a man she had not spoken to in years – wound up at the hospital comforting her when her daughter died before her husband did? Was it interesting or was it just a fluke?

Did her marriage fail because she was still trying to find a replacement for Harm?

Did it have anything to do with him at all? Or was this hindsight just some desperate attempt to understand and organize the randomness of her life?

Then there was the confusion surrounding her feelings for the man himself. What did she feel for him? The day at the hospital had been strange at best, but it felt good to be with him – not good, nothing felt good - it felt right. The trip to San Diego was wonderful. They were easy with each other, talking openly and being friendly. That was the Harm – the relationship - she had been hoping to have from way back when. Then came the admission that he had always loved her and the kiss. It could have been the start of a real relationship for them. But what did Mac do? She pushed him away – again. And what did Harm do? He backed off. Even that weekend, Hailey was supposed to be with Alan, but wasn't Mac a little relieved that she could keep Harm at bay with a real excuse rather than some 'bad timing' platitude. Oh no – she did both.

Maybe he was right. Maybe Mac had called all the shots in their relationship or at least enough of them to keep them from proceeding to the next level. Well it didn't matter anymore. Something was broken, but Mac was unsure what or if it was repairable.

"_I think it has a lot to do with us. Hell probably has everything to do with us."_

She knew why she thought that, but why would Harm think it – much less say it?

X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x = =

Harm settled into an uneasy calm for the next several days. David and Alexander were home and things appeared to be fine. Chloe was not home, he didn't know where she was and for those days he really didn't care. He made an appointment with Kate Mendelson for Tuesday evening at his house. He needed a consultation.

When he wasn't paying attention to the kids or what he was going to do about Walter, he found his mind drifting back to his fight with Mac. He could not really remember anything specifically that he said. It was all just raw emotion. He didn't remember being angry with her; all he knew for sure was that he said some things that were rude and just plain wrong. He remembered thinking - in some odd section of his brain - that it was her fault. That this problem he was having with his kids was her fault. Why? He had no idea. The only thing that Harm knew for sure was that Mac was the only woman he ever pictured as the mother of his children. Why? It must have come from that silly deal they made so long ago. For those five years they worked together after making that deal, somehow he felt connected to her in the fact that whatever was going on between them, they would parent children together. A marriage may or may not have worked out; God knows the odds were against it. But they could have been co-parents. Every time he had to deal with Linda about their kids, it felt wrong. He was playing the scene with the wrong person. Maybe that is why it was Mac's fault. She was not Linda.

Harm had taken Monday off from work. He was reluctant to leave the boys alone. He had a feeling that the other shoe was about to drop. By Monday night he had decided that he was overreacting. He went back to work on Tuesday.

Kate was set to arrive at 1900. Shortly before that, Chloe came home – rather she stopped by the house.

"Best laid plans, Rabb," she scolded him in passing on her way to her bedroom. She walked out moments later with her bag over her arm. She tossed his keys on the coffee table. "So long, HARM."

"Where are you going?" he cared in a way, but not enough to fight with her to stay.

"You can't treat people like you do."

"That doesn't answer my question."

"I am staying with Mariana. I will finish the internship, but you should stay the hell away from me."

"What did Mac tell you?"

"She told me that the weekend did not go as planned. And that is all I needed to know."

"Fine Chloe – go," he started to think about defending himself. "Someday – when you grow up – you'll know that life is not black and white."

"Someday when you grow up – you'll know that the world does not revolve around you."

"You don't know what you are talking about."

"I know this – HARMON RABB – Mac deserves a hell of a lot more than you have ever been willing to give her. I know that you will not find a more loyal friend or ally – not that you deserve one. And no one - NO ONE – will ever love you as unconditionally as she does – DID. And I can only hope that it's in the past."

"Chloe!" David and Zander ran in from the back yard.

She swept them up in her arms and gave them both a strong hug. She told them that she was going, but that she would see them on their birthday. She looked up at Harm to see if he would nix that plan. He didn't.

Chloe – on her way out – met Kate – on her way in.

After several minutes of introductions, the boys were asked to go play outside. Harm adjusted his position so he could watch them in the yard.

_x x x x x x x x x x x x x x_

Kate was a good legal colleague. He trusted her. She was a single woman and flirted with Harm relentlessly but there was nothing between them.

"Harm, give me a dollar," she stated.

"Huh?"

"Give me a dollar."

He pulled a dollar out of his pocket.

"Fine – now I am your lawyer."

"I am going to be my own lawyer."

"Then you have a fool for a client."

"Yeah – yeah."

"Harm this is going to get personal – you can't be your own counsel."

"Who better?"

"Me."

He exhaled. "Kate, I can handle this. I just need some advice. I need someone who is -."

"Objective, clearheaded and dispassionate."

"Right."

"As your lawyer."

"I can't pay you."

"We'll work it out."

"Kate?"

"I'll hire you and take it out of your salary for the next twenty years."

He shook his head.

"First things first – who was the little spitfire I met on the way in."

"Friend of a friend."

"Oh?"

"She has been clerking at the firm and staying here. Like I said, the friend of a friend." Harm had a hard time believing that he was calling either Chloe or Mac a friend, but Kate did not need to know that whole story.

"Are you sleeping with her?"

"What?"

"Simple question, Rabb. Yes or No. Are you sleeping with her?"

"She's a kid," he was indignant. "I have know her since she was thirteen or fourteen."

"Got news for you Harm – she isn't a kid anymore."

"Kate!"

"Look, I know how Lawson works – he is a smear guy. He will smear you at all costs – try this thing in the media. Son-in-law of Walter Lawson, ex-Navy Pilot / hero turned lawyer now a child advocate who is fighting to keep his kids and his new twenty-something law clerk away from the poor frail daughter. It won't be pretty. Further it won't matter if any of it makes it into court, your career will be ruined. Who will fund your agency? How will you keep it open and pay for your boys' food? So I ask again – are you sleeping with her?"

"No. I am not sleeping with her."

"Sleeping with anyone?"

"It makes no difference if I am or if I am not – I am an unmarried man over the age of consent."

"Isn't that how you got into this mess in the first place," she said wryly.

He hated that Kate knew the whole story of Linda. "No. I am not sleeping with anyone."

"When was the last time you had relations with your ex-wife?"

"Is this really necessary?" Talking about his sex-life (as pitiful as it was) with a woman like Kate was not Harm's idea of fun.

"Trust me."

"Before the boys were born."

"So over two years."

"Yes."

"Before you were married."

"Yes."

"You are trying to make me believe that you never slept with your wife? Who the hell are you, Ghandi?"

"Kate – give me my dollar back. You're fired," he was only half joking.

"Just trying to find out what kind of man you are."

"A pissed off one at the moment."

The doorbell rang. Harm nodded to Kate to keep and eye on the boys.

Harm returned with a manila envelope. His face had gone from mild irritation to full blown rage. He tossed the envelope down on the table in front of Kate. It was full of pictures, some real and some doctored of Chloe and Chloe and Harm (or damn good look-a-likes) together in compromising positions.

"Like I said – Mr. Smear." Kate was right.

"Well he better watch it, 'cause I will smear him all over the sidewalk.

The doorbell rang again.

"What? Did he forget the video?"

Harm threw the door open. There was a process server – Mike Clarke - on the other side. He knew him, and knew him well.

"Mike? What are you doing here?"

"I'm sorry Harm," he said sheepishly as he handed over the papers.

Harm was resigned. "Not your fault, Mike."

He took the papers back into the living room. He was reading through them when Zander screamed from outside. Harm tossed the papers down immediately and ran to see what was going on.

A bee had stung Zander. Harm calmed him down and did the first aide thing like a good dad. Kate watched. Soon things were back to normal and the boys were at the kitchen table eating frozen fruit and juice bars. He rejoined Kate.

"You are good with them."

"They are my boys."

"Well – there is no doubt about that," she had the papers in her hand. "There is a hearing on Friday."

"A hearing?"

"To determine where the boys will live during the custody case."

He grabbed the papers from her.

"From the top, Harm. Tell me everything you know about Walter and Linda Lawson."

X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x


	8. 8

Title: **In A Garden**

Chapter Eight

By: LizD

Written: February 2004

Disclaimers: No disrespect to JAG's cast, crew or creators. With love and thanks.

**In A Garden – Part 8**

x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X

Thursday afternoon Mac received a visitor at work.

"Alan," she was surprised to see him.

"Mac," he was agitated and uncomfortable. "How's Hailey?"

"Fine. She missed you this weekend."

"I know. I'll make it up to her," he said it but he didn't mean it.

"What is going on?"

"Have you filed for the divorce?" his voice had a bit of an edge to it.

"The divorce?"

"Have not received the papers, and I was wondering if you have filed?"

"Is there a rush?"

"Actually, yes."

"So she is pregnant."

"No," he looked shamed. "She has nothing to do with this."

Mac waited for more of an explanation.

"She left me," Alan reluctantly admitted.

"Am I suppose to say something about that?"

"No."

"It is still going to take six months to finalize," Mac warned.

"You could file in Guam."

"Guam?"

"It could be final in two weeks."

"We are not doing that," Mac stated flatly. "We have not discussed custody or the disposition of the assets."

"Whatever you think Mac."

"Look, Alan – I can understand you want out, but you need to take some responsibility – for your daughter at least."

"I am doing the best I can, Mac. I am being pulled in seven different directions."

"Oh?"

"I am going to the San Francisco office."

"San Francisco?"

"There is talk.," he bit his lip. There was something he was hiding. "If not San Francisco – Phoenix or Denver – maybe Kansas City."

"You are moving out of state and you don't think it is important to discuss your daughter?"

"It is not my decision. I am being transferred."

Alan had screwed up. Actually that was quite literally true. The weekend – the weekend Harm and Mac were to have been together alone – Alan had gone out of state on a case and wound up sleeping with the boss – very indiscreetly – and the BIG boss was not impressed.

"Oh Alan." She knew is was something very indiscrete. Sometimes Alan just couldn't get out of his own way.

"Doesn't matter Mac, Hailey belongs with you. I will see her when I can. I won't forget her, and I will give you whatever you want for child support."

"What has happened to you, Alan?"

"Too much. Not enough," he looked more defeated and wrung out than he ever had.

Mac agreed to get the paperwork started and Alan left. She was not sure why, but she felt alone, completely alone. She looked down at her desk. There was a message from Harm. She stuffed into her desk drawer. She picked up the phone and dialed.

"Yeah, Hi. It's Sarah. File the papers. I am leaving for Pendleton tonight – if you need me. - - - The Fisher case," she looked sad. "Thank you."

x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X

Harm was working, taking care of his boys and doing everything he needed to, to be ready for the hearing including numerous calls, faxes, messengers to Linda and Walter to work the issues out outside of court. That was Mac's doing though she did not get the credit except silently from Harm. Kate did not feel that it was as important, nor did she believe that it would net anything.

"These people only do what they are forced to do."

"You are probably right," Harm agreed. "I still need to talk to Linda?"

"You are wasting your time," Kate stated.

"I need to be above reproach. I need to show the judge that I am making every effort. The hell with the judge – I need to make every effort for those kids. This issue does not belong in court."

"Harm, Lawson had already made his intentions clear."

"I understand that."

"Fine – knock yourself out. But don't be surprised when you end up on the wrong end of an interviewer's microphone."

He made his first attempt at contacting Linda and/or Walter on Wednesday morning. Neither one would take or return his call. Then he sent messengers, faxes and e-mails over the next couple of days, all to no avail.

He made other calls too – at least three or four. These were to Mac. She didn't return them either. He mostly called her home as he did not want to disturb her at work and calling her cell was too pushy, too intrusive. When the first three calls netted nothing, he tried her work number. He left a message. At least he knew that one would get through. She may not want to ever speak to him again, but he had to try. He had to apologize. He had to do something more than apologize, but until he had this thing straight with Lawson – he could not leave town.

When Friday morning arrived, he felt better about his prospects. He was getting more help than he knew what to do with: Harriet, Bud (as much as he could), Trish and Frank. Harm and his mother were finally at a good place again when the custody thing started. It brought up those old feeling he had that his mother was partially responsible for not warning him about Linda in the first place – that man can hold a grudge. Trish had known Linda well; she had given her a job in the gallery. She also had fired her. Harm found out none of that until it was too late. In Trish's defense, Harm and Linda happened pretty quickly. She would not have known to 'warn him' as Harm never really talked about his love life with her. How was she supposed to know that Harm would get in that deep in so short a period of time? Poor Trish was still wondering what had happened with Renee and believed that it still had something to do with Mac. What had happened to Mac? Anyway, he was grateful that she was on his side.

Frank was assisting on the other side. Frank was working his friendship with Walter. He didn't discuss his efforts with Trish or Harm, particularly because he was getting nowhere.

Even Chloe had offered her help. Chloe did not apologize to or even discuss with Harm what was going on, but she was there working overtime on his case and on others. He had instructed Kate to keep Chloe as far out of the proceedings as possible and in no uncertain terms was she to show her those pictures. She was an innocent in this mess, and he did not want her caught up in it. Kate disagreed with that tactic, but promised she would only do what she had to do. It would be impossible to keep her completely out of it. But she did agree that the pictures would undoubtedly never show up in court. She wasn't worried about them as evidence; she was worried about them in the newspaper.

Friday morning came. Harm and Kate were prepared. When they walked into the courtroom, Linda, Walter and their attorney, Maeve Donaldson, were already there. Maeve Donaldson was a corporate shark. She had a reputation; no dirty trick was beneath her. Walter had pulled out the top gun; the problem was that Donaldson was not adept in the family law arena.

Harm tried to catch Linda's eye but Walter stepped between. Linda looked horrible. She looked like she hadn't slept in a week and she had lost a lot of weight. Weight she couldn't afford to lose. Harm knew instantly that Linda was not behind this mess. He also felt that any progress she had made with her therapy was now being washed away – rather flushed. In spite of what was going on – his heart went out to her – one human being to another.

Judge Walsh entered. Harm and Kate exchanged a quick smile.

"The gods are on your side, Rabb." Kate whispered to him.

Judge Walsh was not supposed to be presiding. She was a last minute change. Over on the other side Donaldson and Lawson were whispering angry words. Walsh was not the judge she 'paid' for. Judge Walsh could not be bought.

"Ms. Donaldson," the judge sneered. "Surprised to see you in my court." It was clear that the judge did not like Maeve in fact one could go so far as to say that the Judge had little respect for the entire attorney population – even though she used to be one.

"Yes, your horror," she tried to not look thrown. "I go where my clients' needs are."

The judge shook her head slightly in disgust and turned her attention on Harm. "Mr. Rabb, not used to seeing you on that side of the table."

Harm stood. "No, ma'am."

"Also glad to see that you are not trying to represent yourself."

Harm looked over at Kate and nodded.

"Though I am a bit confused why there is need for representation at all."

Harm did not respond.

"Mr. Rabb, you know how this works. A custody dispute between parents is not best served in court."

"No, your honor."

"Have you and your ex-wife exhausted all other options?"

"Your honor, there has not been time," he answered as honestly as he could but did not try to force blame.

"Time?"

"Yes, ma'am. The papers were served to me on Tuesday night."

"For a hearing this morning?" The judged looked back over at Maeve Donaldson. "Pulling a few strings I see, Ms. Donaldson."

"Your honor," she started. "We feel that when the welfare of the children is at stake, time is of the essence."

"I would agree with that," the judge stated. "Do you have some information that the children are being mistreated, neglected, in danger, or otherwise suffering in the care of their father?"

"Your honor we believe that the environment in which they live is – questionable."

"Oh, questionable," she was not impressed. "Mr. Rabb, you have been the primary care taker for these two boys ages -," she looked back at her file. "Two – both two?"

"Yes ma'am. Twins, their second birthday is next week."

"Well, happy birthday."

"Thank you, your honor."

"And you have been their primary care taker?" The judge went on.

"Yes, your honor. Since I brought them home from the hospital."

"Must have been quite a handful."

"Yes, ma'am."

"How long have you and your ex-wife been divorced."

"I can answer that," Ms. Donaldson said.

"I wasn't asking you," she glared at Maeve. "Mr. Rabb?"

"I suppose officially you would say that we separated in December, and the marriage was annulled in February."

"Annulled?"

"Yes, ma'am."

At that she looked over at Walter. "Difficult to have a marriage annulled when there are children involved," she was not expecting an answer. She looked back at Harm. "At the time of the annulment you were given custody of the children."

"Yes, ma'am."

"Was visitation agreed upon?"

"Yes, ma'am."

"Has something changed in the last few months to make that agreement unworkable?"

"Not that I am aware of, your honor."

"But Ms. Lawson wants to revisit that agreement," she looked over at Linda who looked like she was going to burst into tears. "Was there some problem with it?"

"Your honor," Maeve Donaldson began. "We felt that that the visitation was too restrictive. A joint custody arrangement would be better for the children. But in light of information yet to be revealed to you, we feel that a more permanent change should be made."

The judge was not impressed. "Just so you know – ALL OF YOU – this court will be handling the custody case. And keep in mind I have a long memory."

"Thank you, your honor," the counselors acknowledged.

"But that is for another day. Today we are here to decide if the children should be moved immediately," she looked down at her notes quickly. "Ms. Donaldson, you believe that the environment that the children – David and Alexander Rabb - are living in is questionable."

"Yes, your honor. We feel that the best course of action is to have the children moved to a neutral location until the custody has been resolved."

"Neutral? For example."

"Walter Lawson has agreed to take them into his home."

"I fail to see how that is neutral."

"You honor, Mr. Rabb has taken a young woman into his home. It has come to our attention that the relationship with this young woman is inappropriate."

She looked back at Harm. "For the last two months – month and a half – a young woman who is clerking in my office has been staying with me -- for the summer."

"Who is this young woman?" the judge asked.

"I can answer that." Chloe's voice came from the chair directly behind Harm's. "I am Chloe Madison."

"You are the young woman that Ms. Donaldson mentioned?"

"Yes, your honor, but I have moved out of Harm's – Mr. Rabb's house."

"Have you? Why?"

"Honestly your honor – he cramped my style."

The court was not amused with Chloe's off the cuff candor.

She continued. "I have known Harm – Mr. Rabb since I was thirteen years old. He treated me like a kid and to be honest your honor; I needed a little room." Chloe lied. Was she protecting Harm or Mac?

"But you are continuing to clerk in his office?"

"Yes, ma'am. It is more of an internship – unpaid internship until school starts."

"I have seen you in my court, have I not?"

"Yes, ma'am. I often come here to observe in my free time."

"Don't remember ever having free time when I was a clerk." The judge smiled.

"No ma'am … I have very little free time."

"How did you and Mr. Rabb meet?"

"When he was at JAG he and Mac – Colonel MacKenzie were partners." Chloe explained.

"Partners?"

"They worked together," Chloe continued. "I am Colonel MacKenzie's little sister."

"Is that the colonel with you today?"

Harm turned to the back of the room and Mac was standing there. He was surprised to see her.

"I am Colonel MacKenzie," she stepped up to the rail but did not look at Harm.

"Colonel, why are you here today?"

"I am here in support of Chloe and Harm."

"You knew that Ms. Madison was living with Mr. Rabb."

"Yes ma'am," she stated. She looked over at Harm and pulled a small smile. "It was a very generous offer for him to make. Taking on a student when he already had two young sons to raise with the sole purpose being her exposure to how the legal system really works."

"Well she is certainly learning from the inside out today."

"Yes, ma'am."

"You are confident that that was his only motivation in making this 'generous' offer to Ms. Madison?"

"Without a doubt, your honor," Mac could not help but think that he had done it for her, but the judge did not need to know all of that. "I have known Harmon Rabb for over fourteen years, he is and always has been a man of his word with the highest ethical and moral values of anyone I have ever met."

"Thank you, colonel," she turned her attention back to Chloe. "Ms. Madison, is your relationship with Mr. Rabb of a 'questionable' nature?"

"No, ma'am."

"You and he are not having an affair," she asked directly.

"NO, ma'am." The no was a little strong, but it proved her point.

The judge turned her attention back to Ms. Donaldson. "Do you have any evidence that Ms. Madison is lying?"

Walter wanted her to present the pictures. Maeve Donaldson decided that that would not be the best course of action. "Not at this time, your honor."

"So, anything else that would be construed as dangerous or harmful to the children?"

"We would like to go on record as saying that the children would be best served away from that environment."

"It is on record." The judge looked at all members and rested her eyes on Linda. "Ms. Lawson – you are suing for custody of your two sons."

Linda looked panicked on so many levels and stood up tentatively. "I just want to see them," she whined.

"Have you been refused access to your children?" Linda shook her head.

Lawson chimed in. "Rabb has refused visitation."

"Is that true Mr. Rabb?"

"No, your honor. I agreed to prearranged, supervised visitation."

"Why supervised?"

"Linda has been unwell for a long time."

"You honor, Ms. Lawson's health is not relevant. As you can see, she is perfectly capable of taking care of her children."

"Well, Ms. Donaldson you may be right. However that is not the issue before the court this morning. This morning we are to decide if the children should be removed from their home. You have given me no reason to believe that that kind of disruption is necessary. The children will remain with Mr. Rabb, and I encourage the parents to come to a custody agreement before our next meeting."

She banged her gavel and left the bench. Harm turned his attention to Mac who was on her way out of court.

x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X

He caught up to her in the parking lot.

"Mac," he called after her. "Mac."

She did not turn around but paused her stride to wait for him.

"Thank you for being here."

"I came for Chloe," she turned toward him. "And I am TAD at Camp Pendleton. I was in town anyway," she turned away.

He stepped in front of her. "I'm sorry, Mac. I am so very sorry."

"I know you are," she did not look at him.

"Please talk to me."

"There is nothing left to say," she stepped around him to head for her car.

"Maybe you're right," he stated clearly. Then said to her back, "But that has never stopped us before."

She paused before unlocking her car. She thought of any number of a hundred responses to that, particularly the one that said it stopped them for four years. But in the end she chose to say nothing.

"Mac," he completed the few strides it took to get to her.

"It is not funny anymore, Harm, not that it ever was. The words have all been said."

"So, we'll say them again."

"The definition of insanity."

"What?"

"Repeating the same actions and expecting a different result."

"I can think of a few actions that haven't been tried," he said not as suggestively as he should have to lighten the mood.

"Harm, there will - - -."

"Always be a reason, I know. Always a reason to wait, to stop, to not follow through, to not do it differently."

"We were just not meant to be," she met his eyes. "Bad timing."

"You have got to put that banner down, Mac. I think that is a lot of bull."

"Stop it Harm."

"Why did you come here today?" He asked hopefully.

"As I said, I came for Chloe. I won't have her slandered."

"Neither would I," he waited for her to respond. She didn't. "Is that the only reason?"

Mac did not say anything.

"Mac, are you ready for lunch?" Chloe's voice came from behind Harm.

"No, I am running late. Why don't you go on ahead and I will meet you for dinner."

"Dinner?" Chloe asked.

"I need to get back to base," Mac explained.

Chloe nodded and walked away slowly.

Mac looked back at Harm. "I need to get back. I have an interview with a client."

"Timing," he stated flatly.

"Good bye, Harm."

The words sounded so final it shook him. She turned to get into her car and he gently touched her arm, stopping her. His eyes were intently searching hers. "There is nothing I can say?"

She shook her head. The tears were filling up. "There is nothing to say."

"Too much to say," he argued.

"I need to go," she freed herself from him and got into the car. With a quick glimpse behind her and back up at him, she pulled her car out and drove away.

"Or maybe we should just stop talking altogether."

x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X

Mac found herself trying to get to the ocean after her dinner with Chloe. She needed a place to be alone and think. Chloe and she had debriefed pretty much everything that had happened over the last four months on both coasts from the baby to Chloe's new boyfriend. It left Mac more confused than she was before. She thought she knew exactly where she was going, but when she turned on to Harm's street – she was surprised. She parked on the street across from the house and killed the engine.

She called home and discovered that Alan had not gone to get Hailey. Mac was prepared for that and had asked the babysitter to stay all weekend regardless if Alan had taken her or not, but now the babysitter was balking. She spent several minutes on the phone with Hailey. She was a brave little girl and just kept asking when Mac would be home. Mac made up her mind to fly home and get her the next day. The case she was working would last longer than expected, but even if it didn't she wanted Hailey with her.

Again she felt alone – very alone. She could count on no one to do what he/she said they were going to do. She looked back at Harm's house. In all her life, there were only a few people she could trust, rely on, count on to be there for good or bad. Harmon Rabb, Jr. was one of those people.

She sat for a long time trying to decide what to do. The lights were on and she thought she saw him moving around in there, but it was hard to tell. Eventually she got out of her car and went up to the door. She rang three times before he answered.

He was dressed in shorts and a t-shirt. He had toys stuffed under each arm, kids clothes and towels thrown over his shoulder, dishes in one hand and an apple in his mouth. He looked ridiculous compared to her. She was in a lovely summer dress that made her look ten years younger.

"Did I catch you at a bad time?" she could not help but smile.

He took the apple out of his mouth and was momentarily stunned by the vision of her. "Not at all, come in."

She entered after he stepped back.

"Just picking up," he dumped the contents of his arms on the floor by the kitchen. "Can I get you something? Coffee? Tea? Have you eaten?" He waved the apple at her.

"Nothing, thank you."

"I just got the boys to bed. We had a bit of a celebration tonight."

"I am sure you did."

"Thank you for being there – even if just for Chloe."

She shook her head and moved away to the living room. He followed her.

"So what do you think is going to happen?" she asked. "With the custody."

"If I can talk to Linda – the whole thing should just go away."

Mac nodded.

"You were right Mac," he said honestly.

"Sometimes I am."

"Often you are."

"Can I get that in writing?" She looked out to the back yard and stayed quiet for a moment.

"Mac?"

"Aren't you going to ask me why I am here?"

"I know why you are here." It sounded like a very cocky thing for him to say, but it was not said with any of the normal arrogance associated with Harmon Rabb.

"You do?" she turned to him. "I wish you'd tell me then."

"You are here for the exact same reason I want you here," he stepped up to her.

"I would have to rule that answer as non responsive, counselor," she tried to smile.

He put his hand under her chin and tilted it up toward his face. He studied her for a moment. There was no sign of tears or anger or resistance. She was completely there in the moment with him. He leaned down and let his lips brush hers lightly. She did not pull away. He wrapped his arm around her and pulled her to him completely, while his other hand combed through her hair. The kiss deepened. She slid her hands under his t-shirt and up his back. She felt her knees begin to quake and her heart begin to race. She was becoming overwhelmed with desire. She had to stop. She pulled away, but remained in his embrace with her face buried in his chest. That was exactly why she was there.

"That seemed pretty responsive to me," Harm joked. He would not let her go.

"Harm there are so many reasons why this is a bad idea," she said softly.

"I am sure you are right."

"So."

"Right now I am not thinking about all the reasons why it's a bad idea," he pulled back to look at her. "I am thinking of the one reason why it is a good idea."

She shook her head.

"I love you, Mac."

She looked confused like she might not have understood.

He continued. "We belong together. We always have."

"Daddy, is that Auntie Mac?" a little voice called from the hall.

"Yes it is," he did not turn to see his son. "Go to bed, David. You can see Auntie Mac in the morning."

"I'm not David. I'm Zander."

Harm laughed. Mac was unsure if it were Zander or David. She didn't know them well enough, but she thought it was David.

"They are two," he explained. "Two is going to be very difficult," he released her from his embrace, but still held her hand.

Mac looked up at Harm asking if it were David or Zander. "They are discovering how much they look alike," he turned to the sleepy child in the hallway. "David, come give your Auntie Mac a kiss, then go to bed."

The boy did as he was told.

When they were alone again, Mac stated. "You love them very much."

"It is frightening how much they mean to me, and what I would do for them. Never experienced that kind of --."

"Love?" She asked.

"Fear. Fear that I was doing something wrong. Or that I couldn't protect them. That I could lose them some how."

"Kids bring out something pretty powerful," Mac agreed.

"Not just kids," he added moving closer to her.

"I should go," she stepped back.

"Don't," he said softly. "Don't go."

"Harm, you are in the middle of --."

"Mac, if we wait for the planets to align it will be too late."

"What are you expecting to happen? We live three thousand miles apart."

"That can be changed – everything can be changed."

"Harm."

"Mac, you told me a long time ago to 'let go' – now I am tell you the same thing. Let Go! There is no reason why either of us needs to be alone; it doesn't make us noble or self-sacrificing. It just makes us lonely."

"Oh Harm," she was not convinced.

"Trust me," he turned her toward him and placed his hands on her shoulders. "Trust me."

"I do," she managed to squeak out. "I do trust you. It is the rest of the world that --."

"To hell with the rest of the world," he stated firmly. "Let me call the ball for once, Mac. We can do this," he met her lips on the way to his. There was no more argument. There was nothing left to say. He would make the trap.

x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X


	9. 9

Title: **In A Garden**

Chapter Nine

By: LizD

Written: February 2004

Disclaimers: No disrespect to JAG's cast, crew or creators. With love and thanks.

**In A Garden – Part 9**

Harm and Mac – nay, Sarah - had made love into the wee hours of the morning. The kind of love she knew they would make after he walked back into her life those few short months ago. It was passionate and mature; it was nourishing and yet left her hungry. It awoke all her senses with nostalgia and hope. She felt more alive than she had in memory – as she knew she would with him – which is what had held her back and ultimately freed her to follow her desire.

What she had not expected – particularly with him – was the feeling of ease, of completeness, of being so utterly connected to another living soul. She had never known that kind of wholeness – that yin meeting its yang – the unshakable balance of two halves making a whole. It was foreign to her – yet he was familiar. She knew the feeling would fade, yet he would remain – but for how long? She took consolation in that the memory of that connection would be tucked away in the shadows of her mind – etched permanently for all time – in spite of all the tomorrows.

Every muscle in her body had relaxed its tension – tension that had been sustained for most of her adult life and released on few rare special occasions. She knew it was only temporary – that the dawn would come and she would need to face the reality of her life. She knew that she would need to take back her control. The muscles would constrict – as they always had – and she would again rely on no one. It was in the quiet moments in the dead of night that she mourned the life she dreamed of but was unable to find. That night – for a little while – just a little while – in the warmth of his cool blue eyes – she had tasted what she had been looking for. She was safe, protected, content. The world made sense. It had purpose, meaning and joy. She had no need to control. All she had to do was give freely and accept willingly. It was all so simple and it would simply pale away with the light of day.

Mac curled back into his arms when he slipped back into bed after checking on the boys. He pulled her tightly to him and pressed his lips to her brow. She turned into him totally - tucked one leg between his, wrapped her arm around his waist and laid her head on the rising and falling of his chest. His fingers gently stroked her arm and back causing her desire to build again.

"What time is it?" she asked not really wanting to break the moment but feeling the need to at least break the silence.

"Just after two," he whispered into her hair. It took him a moment to realize that he had never heard that question from her before. He pulled her tighter thinking about the Mac he had known and the Sarah he knew now.

"I need to be back at the base by 0530," she kept her voice soft.

"So early?"

"I've got to catch a transport home."

"You are going today?" the disappointment was thick in is voice.

"I'll be back," she nuzzled closer. "The case will probably last two to three weeks."

Harm pressed her selfishly to him. "So why go?"

"I need to get Hailey."

"You didn't bring her?"

"Alan was supposed to take her this weekend."

Harm felt the muscles in her shoulders constrict and cramp and knew immediately she was pulling out of the haven that they had created. He rubbed the flat part of his palm over her shoulders and got the muscles again to relax.

"The boys will love to have her here again," he commented.

"Harm, we can't stay here," she sat up on her elbow and looked down on him. "Don't do that to yourself."

He looked up at her and realized that it was too much reality at too early an hour. The noise of Alan, Linda, children, living arrangements, work, logistics, where Harm and Mac went from there was too much, too soon and it was invading their sanctuary. He pulled her mouth to his and silenced it. Silenced it all.

She lay back down and nestled back into his embrace.

"I could fly you back," he said after a moment. "We could make it a family trip."

The word 'family' hung in her ears. She felt herself sliding into the comfort of his control. He would take care of them – all of them. She smiled at the idea that maybe she wouldn't have to take back her charge – at least not completely. But it was too soon to think that. "Fly us?"

He pushed some hair away from her face. "Frank has access to the company jet."

"They let you fly it?"

"I am on staff," he stated triumphantly.

She looked suspicious.

"I am a good pilot, Mac."

"The best pilot/lawyer I know," she smiled not wanting to point out all the 'hard landings' they had shared so long ago.

He smiled as he thought about them too. "We could be back for BBQ tonight."

"If we left right now," she added.

"Soon," he confirmed.

"I have no intention of moving for the next couple of hours," she closed her eyes.

"Or we could come back tomorrow," he rolled her over on her back so he could see her face.

"I like that plan much better."

"I have another plan that you will like," he leaned down over her and explained the details without words. Again they were the only two people in the world. They were getting so much better at non-verbal communication.

The first lights of day were eking up over the horizon. Harm new the lights well, it was not the first time he witnessed them intruding on the safety and quiet of night. That morning was different – the pale gray lights of dawn looked different. They weren't rude reminders of what was and what was bound to be. They were hopeful whispers of what could be. Maybe his life was taking another turn – maybe the last and final turn – then for the remainder of his days, his years – he would be whole. He would want nothing more for himself alone – he would be a part of something larger. Maybe – maybe this dawn was trying to tell him that. Trying to comfort him. Trying to warn him to take heed.

She lay beside him breathing deeply in sleep. She was so relaxed. She had completely given herself over to him. How thrilling. How arousing. What an aphrodisiac it was to know that she was completely at his mercy. It was an honor, a privilege and a responsibility to be so entirely trusted by her – a woman who rarely gave an inch – was giving it all to him.

Harm traced the curves of her spine and the slopes of her back until little goose bumps arose and she moaned her sleepy pleasure. He placed a lingering kiss the soft spot behind her ear, the birthmark on her shoulder, and the angle between her shoulder blades. His desire to possess her again before he had to let her go was becoming uncontrollable.

She rolled immodestly over toward him and relished the admiration she saw in his eyes and felt in his caress as he cherished her body with eyes, fingers and lips.

"Harm," she tried to divert his attention.

"Hmnnnnn," he would not be diverted.

"Harm," she moaned her pleasure and disapproval. "We have to get up."

"Not yet," he would still not be diverted.

"Don't make me make it an order commander," she said playfully leaning into his caress.

"I'm giving the orders here, colonel." His muffled comment came back to her.

A dull thud came as the paperboy threw the Saturday edition at the house. It startled Mac and she tried to pull away from him. He would not let her go.

"I should go before the boys wake up," she said harshly and exerting her will to leave his embrace. "I need to catch that transport."

"I thought we settled that," he claimed maintaining his hold.

"Harm stop," she pushed him back a little too rudely. The switch had been flipped.

The now yellow lights of dawn were streaming across her face; her body had gone taut. She was in charge. He leaned away from her. She pulled the sheet up around her. The spell was broken.

"Oh, Mac," disappointment was heavy in his eyes.

"Harm, last night was incredible, but you can't think that --."

"I do Mac." He interrupted. "I do think that it changes everything."

"That is not what I was going to say. It does change things, but – well – not everything."

He shook his head fighting his rising irritation.

"I was going to say that we can't –" she was at a loss for words. "In spite of the changes, we can't be together right now."

"Must be some kind of world record," he said snidely triumphant.

She didn't understand.

"I was able to keep you from saying that for over eight hours," he mocked, "_Bad timing_ be damned."

"Am I wrong?"

"Yes."

"I don't think --."

"Sarah, I don't know what you thought last night was about – maybe that is my fault, I should have been more clear – but for me – it wasn't just LAST NIGHT. It wasn't about the first night of -"

"Harm I am in the middle of a divorce, and –."

"- And I am about to start a custody battle," he got up and walked away from her. "I know. I know that you and I live three thousand miles apart. I know that you have a daughter and I have two sons. I know that making a life with you will take a lot of concerted effort – on both our parts. I know that we both have ex-spouses/parents to our children in our lives that will forever intrude – and I don't have to like that, but I can deal with it. I know that it won't be easy and I know that it won't be without its setbacks. I know all that."

"Harm."

"No," he held up his hand to silence her. "You are either going to commit to this or you aren't."

"It is not that I don't want to."

"That is exactly what it is," he stated. "Sarah, you need to decide. If I have to beg, plead and cajole you - convince you at every turn that it will be fine – then something is wrong. Maybe I am wrong. Maybe you don't love me enough –."

"Harm, don't."

"- Maybe that is the real reason it never happened before. Maybe that is the reason why bad timing always prevailed."

"Harm, please."

"No. No 'please', no 'you have to understand', no 'bad timing'. Don't ask me to let you walk away, Sarah," he was adamant. "If you go -."

"What?" she was now getting a little upset herself.

He was appalled that she could be angry. She had no right to be mad. "WHAT? Did you think I was going to give you an ultimatum?"

"Weren't you?" she said haughtily.

"No. If you go – you go for your own reasons, and you will need to figure those out for yourself. I am offering you everything I have to offer. If that is not enough to get you through the tough times ahead – then we are truly fair weather –," he shook his head looking for a word to define what they were to each other. He couldn't find it.

"Harm."

He exhaled decisively and sat back down on the bed. "Mac look. I don't want to make this a challenge or a fight. I don't want to back you into a corner and dare you to do something you don't want to do."

"It's really not like that, Harm."

"But I don't think I can let you just walk away – not with my blessing or even my understanding."

"I am thinking about you."

He laughed. "Are you? That's funny."

"Don't."

"Thinking about me? Hmm. Well, then I will tell you about me. I would rather struggle everyday with you by my side, than to have it easy and neat - alone." A puzzled expression washed over his face. "Do you understand that?"

"Daddy!" Zander's voice called from his bedroom. "Daddy!"

He stood up and pulled on his shorts and t-shirt. "Clean towels in the linen closet and the hot takes a little while to warm up," he paused by the door. "It is up to you Colonel Sarah MacKenzie. You have the power and control. You can make or break us. Just like always … this time," he added. "This time you know all that I am thinking and feeling. What about you?"

A short while later Mac was fresh from the shower and had put the dress she had worn back on. Harm caught her out of the corner of his eye as she came into the kitchen. She was a cool breath of summer. She greeted the boys and asked them all kinds of questions about their birthday. They answered and shot just as many back about Hailey and if she was coming to their party.

Harm put some coffee down in front of her and asked if she wanted breakfast. She tried to catch his eye, but he would not maintain eye contact. She got up to get some juice from the counter and stood just behind him. Sliding her arm half way around his waist, she kissed his shoulder.

"Is that ride to Washington still good, flyboy?" she whispered.

He looked down into her bright eyes. Her look said she was there to stay – wherever 'there' was or would lead.

He kissed her and pulled her to him. "I hate it when you call me that." He called to his sons, "Boys, what do you think - you want to go for an airplane ride today?"

The cheers were deafening and the smiles on the lovers were real. A new family was born.

The flight was fine – just a little turbulence over the plains. The boys laughed it off and tried to calm Mac down: chips off the old block. Harm had called another staff pilot and friend, Jerome Walker, to co-pilot. Walker had family in the Washington area that had yet to meet his girlfriend so he was glad to make the quick turn around. They arrived in the early afternoon. Hailey was so excited about the boys coming she made the baby sitter make a special cake for them – carrot naturally.

The new family spent the afternoon and evening playing until the kids pooped out. It was quiet time for Harm and Mac. He made a fire and she made tea.

"Do you know that I never drank tea before I met you?" she said settling into the over stuffed sofa.

"I have had all kinds of influences on you, I guess," he sat down next to her. "This is a great house."

"I love it. Loved it from the moment I saw it."

"They boys sure love that yard."

"Real trees and a creek pale in comparison to palm trees and a pool?"

"Nothing wrong with growing up out west," he said cockily. "You know what this house needs?"

"What?"

"A man's touch."

"Oh?"

"The floors need to be refinished, need to rethink the wall paper in the guest bathroom, you have dry rot on the back steps and the chimney needs a good sweep."

"That's all?" she smiled.

"Well, if you were to ask me – the wall in the kitchen needs to be pushed out and the stove and refrigerator need to be swapped. And I would do the floor it in slate, not tile," he smiled. "If you were to ask me."

"Well, Alan was never good with his hands and you know me – all thumbs."

He pulled her hand to his lips. "You have other skills with you hands."

Her eyes flashed. "Good answer," she sat up and kissed him quickly. She looked around the living room. "I have had this house forever – I thought you would have seen it."

"When?"

"I bought it before you left JAG."

"You did? You mean this is not your and Alan's house?"

"No. When did I buy it? I guess – well I moved in late April early May."

"Right before I left, I didn't know you bought a house."

Mac got a far away look in her eye – they were not getting along back then and there were a lot of secrets and a lot of things that just were never discussed.

"I was thinking about a family," she said a little too quickly trying to change the subject of their past issues. It didn't. "Didn't want to have a baby in my apartment."

"A baby?" he was confused. "Oh right, you were with Webb. Whatever happened to him?"

"Webb is somewhere in the Middle East. He'll never change. Loves the intrigue."

"Isn't he getting a little long in the tooth for playing spy?"

"I suppose," she looked back at the fire. "You know Harm, Webb and I were never together." What was wrong with her? Too much reality can be a bad thing.

"But you said -," he paused to let the realization take hold.

The memories of that day at the Roberts' – AJ fifth birthday – came flooding back to him. She had let him believe – all that time from Paraguay until he left – she had let him believe that she was with Webb. The first explanation that leapt to mind – strictly from a hurt ego – was because she had wanted to push him away – keep him away. That she had no desire to be with him and making him believe she was with someone else was the cleanest way to do that. She wouldn't have to defend or justify herself.

He got up and tended the fire.

Mac felt a fight coming on – an old fight. She braced herself for what was to come next. Recriminations, reproaches and accusations were all probable. Probable? They were a better than even bet. He would blame her for the time they lost. If only she had spoken up. If only . . .

But on Harm's further consideration, it occurred to him that she actually had never said anything about at relationship with Webb – not really. He had said it all – assumed it. He never gave her a chance. She could have spoken up, but why make an effort to tell someone the truth who has no interest in hearing it?

After a moment he said softly, "I'm sorry," he said keeping his back to her.

It threw her for a loop. She was expecting almost anything but an apology. "Sorry?"

He looked back at her. "I was pretty awful to you."

"I remember you giving up everything to save my life."

"Yeah, well -," he was thinking that the 'everything' he gave up paled in comparison to losing her. "After that – I was pretty awful."

"I was no walk in the park."

"And look at us now." His smile faded quickly.

Mac paused trying to think of the best way to get back to the present. "I guess we both needed a little perspective."

"Perspective is one thing, but starting a whole knew life is quite another."

Harm chose not to add 'and not looking back'. That statement would unduly hurt both of them, but he believed it. He believed that neither of them looked back until they had meet at the admiral's party. In the time they had been apart, he rarely – if ever – allowed himself to think 'if only'. He could never really accept that Linda was his wife and the mother of his children. It was not supposed to be her. It was supposed to be Mac, but he only knew that right then. Well more specifically when she showed up at his house the night before and he kissed. Then he knew – and knew for sure – Mac and he were a unit.

"Anyway – I'm sorry."

She nodded and was worried that again, somehow the night was ruined – not unlike it was a week before, except this time she stuck her foot in it.

"This is really a great house," he said again, trying to get the conversation back on a safer course.

"You know, Alan hated this house. From the moment he set foot in it," she smiled. "He said it reminded him of his grandmother's house – drafty and cold."

"I can see that," he touched the bay window. "Could use a little weatherizing. As I said, it needs a man's touch."

"You know, Harm," she purred at him. "The kitchen, the windows and the dry rot are not the only things around here that need a man's touch."

He saw the frisk in her eyes and returned it. He slid down on the other side of the couch and pulled her legs on to his lap and started seductively rubbing her foot and up her calf.

"You have great hands," she leaned her head back and closed her eyes. "I am going to give you sixty minutes to stop that," she cooed.

"I give you six minutes before you can't take it any more." His confidence was founded in reality.

"Mommy!" Hailey called from her room.

"Or six seconds." Mac exhaled loudly and looked up at him with disappointment in her eyes. "She is still too excited about going back to San Diego."

"Go on," he released her. "I'm not going any where."

"She probably won't get any sleep at all tonight," she stroked his cheek and kissed him sweetly as she slipped away.

"Keep that up, and neither will you," he whispered after she disappeared down the hall.

She was back in a moment. "Uncle Harm – Miss Hailey would like to kiss you good night again."

Harm was touched and honored.

He left Hailey's room a little while later after a story about a sleepy princess, a wish for 'sweet dreams' and a flip of the night-light. Mac had been listening outside the door. She had always been attracted to a man who was good with children, but some how Harm enticed her more. He spoke to children – his own, as well as any other – as people – with reason and thought. He respected them and they respected him. It made her fall in love with him all over again.

She reached for his hand and pulled him to her as soon as he was outside the door. The kiss was more than a 'thank you.' It was full of love from a mother appreciating the good treatment of her child, from a friend who was grateful for the attention he had given her and from a lover filled with desire. Neither one got much sleep that night.

They arrived back in San Diego late on Sunday afternoon. There was a plan to meet the Roberts for dinner but they were running late. The kids still needed their naps and if truth were told, Harm and Mac both could have used some sleep – some real sleep – not that they were complaining.

Harm had just put David and Alexander in their rooms and told them to at least be quiet – they were a little cranky, it would take a while for them to settle – when the doorbell rang.

"Kevin!" He was surprised as a suited man stepped through the door like he was invited. "What are you doing here?"

"Been looking for you, Rabbster. Don't bother to turn your cell phone on anymore?"

Mac came out of Hailey's room and was surprised to see this stranger.

"Whoa, ho - Harm. Holding out on me," he admired Mac.

"Colonel Sarah MacKenzie – USMC," he said nodding to Kevin. "This is Detective Kevin Watson, San Diego PD – homicide."

"The pleasure is all mine, colonel," he grinned.

Mac waited.

"What are you doing here Kev?" Harm was becoming annoyed.

"Looking for you."

"Just got back. Was on a turn around to Washington. FAA doesn't like us to use cell phone in the air." Harm was annoyed with the cat and mouse game.

"When did you leave?"

"Yesterday morning and we got back an hour or so ago – what is this about?"

"Well, that explains everything," he walked around the living room. "And if it doesn't I am sure you filed a flight plan and have a ton of witnesses –," he again scanned Mac up and down – "that we can explore six ways to Sunday."

Harm did not like the way he was being played with and he sure as hell didn't like this guy's innuendo directed at Mac. "Kevin, you got something to say?"

"I got a little piece of news for you Rabbinski. Won't be on local KCAL until tomorrow," he smirked at Harm. "Walter Lawson – the ol' EX-father-in-law? Keeper of the trust? Bastard among men? He's dead. Shot in the ol' pump at close range – never stood a chance."

"Lawson is dead?'

"Yesiree. Funny never thought that man had much of a heart to lose – least ways not enough to kill him."

"You think I did it?"

"No, we know who did it, we just want to know if she had any help."

"She?"

"The loving daughter – well maybe not so loving," he grinned at Harm. "Your wife? Sorry EX-wife?"

"Linda killed her father?" Harm looked a Mac quickly.

"She said she did it – well after we pumped her stomach of the couple a dozen pills she took. If the maid showed up a couple hours later, it would have been murder / suicide rather than just murder."

Harm slumped down onto the nearest thing he could find to sit on. He didn't know what to think or how to feel.

"So, you were in Washington the whole time, eh?" Watson continued.


	10. 10

Title: **In A Garden**

Chapter Ten

By: LizD

Written: February 2004

Disclaimers: No disrespect to JAG's cast, crew or creators. With love and thanks.

**In A Garden – Part 10**

X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x

Harm hung up the phone – AGAIN. He had been talking for hours – or what seemed like hours – no; it was actually hours – since he heard the news about Walter. It was well past 2130.

The dinner at the Roberts' was canceled. Trish and Frank had come over. Trish was very stiff and formal with Mac – Mac didn't appreciate it and was curt and short with Trish. Harm noticed but didn't have the energy to deal with it. Frank had told Harm that there was something they needed to discuss, but that was all that Mac heard. The in-laws left after the kids had eaten. Chloe came by when she heard and offered to stay to help with the kids. Chloe could pull through in a pinch when needs be. She had gone home shortly after Trish and Frank had left. She started to give a warning to Mac on the way out about being involved with Harm – but Mac shut her down completely.

Harm – drained and exhausted – stumbled into the kitchen. Mac was at the table reading through her case files. She still had an investigation of her own to complete in spite of the still unbelievable development. He came up behind her, placed his hands on her shoulders and started working the muscles in her neck with his thumbs until she moaned her appreciation.

"Hi," he whispered.

She leaned back into his strong hands. "Where do you find the energy for that?" she asked. She was pretty whipped herself.

He was silent for a moment and then laughed out loud.

"What?"

"If I tell you – you are going to think it is some bad line of dialogue from a Soap Opera."

"What?" she encouraged.

"Being this close to you – close enough to: touch you, smell your perfume, know what you look like naked and that you will be in my bed tonight – gives me energy for just about anything."

She rolled her eyes and put her hand on his. It was stupid and adolescent – but at the same time she was flattered.

"I told you," he kissed the top of her head and then tilted her face back to his so he could kiss her. "Don't worry – you won't have to fend me off tonight."

"Don't remember doing any 'fending' the last two nights."

He released her to get some water from the refrigerator. "Has it only been two nights? Bet you are counting your lucky stars that I am back in your life," he added snidely.

"Harm, don't."

"Seriously – court cases, murder, suicide, sex – we should have been flying an F-14 and had a stop over in IRAQ and I would have thought it was like any day back at JAG – except for the sex part – but I can live with the upgrade," he faked a sexy grin at her.

She wasn't going to allow him to be so cavalier. "None of this is your fault and it has nothing to do with us."

"No? I suppose you will blame it on bad timing."

"Harm."

"I'm sorry. Cranky," he slid his hand down her arm and tugged it gently toward the living room. "I need to sit down before I fall down."

She followed after him and sat next to him on the couch. "Who was that on the phone?"

"This last time?" he craned his neck against the back of the couch and yawned. "Kate – Kate Mendelson. My lawyer for the custody case," he laughed. "Don't have to worry about that any more – she earned her retainer."

"Harm – are you alright?"

He smirked. "I don't know. I don't know what I am supposed to think or feel about this."

"Well?"

"Well I suppose I should care that my ex-father in law is dead," he paused to see if she would react, when she didn't he kept going. "That my children will grow up without knowing him. That I am going to have to explain to them now – and in the future – that their mother supposedly killed their grandfather and that is why they don't see her anymore – course they probably won't notice and I can ignore the whole thing."

"Harm," she scolded.

"Look I should care, and I guess I do care – but not for the right reasons."

"There are right reasons and wrong reasons?"

"Walter Lawson was a controlling, arrogant, bastard." Harm said less than he was thinking or feeling. "He thinks - thought – he could buy anything or anyone," he shook his head. "Hell, he bought me. Bet you never would have believed I was up for sale, eh Mac?"

"Why do you think you were bought?"

"Look at me Mac. I live in a house that he paid for. I work in an agency that he funds. My children will be Ivy League educated and I won't pay for a book. I am surprised I don't charge my socks to him."

Mac paused before she spoke so that her words would sink in. "Those were all sound choices you made for your children: the house, the education, even the agency was to have more time to spend with them."

"That is a lot of eggs in one basket Mac, a basket I don't even trust," he shook his head and sat up. "That is not like me at all."

She sat up next to him. "If this were all to go away tomorrow; if you had to find a job, buy a house and pay for the boys' school – could you do it?"

"Of course," he shrugged.

"So?"

"So?" he asked back.

"So, you are not bought."

"Maybe," he gave her a weak smile to let her know he heard her, and that he would give her the point, but that he didn't fully believe it. "But I am not sorry he is out of my life."

Mac breathed out slowly. "Not quite yet. There will be some lasting effects."

"No doubt. Have a meeting with Watson in the morning," he scowled.

"He is just doing his job," she defended.

"Does he need to enjoy it so much?" he brought her hand to his lips. "And what am I supposed to do about Linda? She's alone now. Who will be appointed her guardian?"

Mac looked away. "I am not sure I am the best person to ask about that."

He turned her face back to his. "Why Sarah MacKenzie – is that a little fleck of green I see in your eyes?" he played with her.

"No," she stated and almost believed it.

"That is the problem with you, marine. You could never admit to being jealous."

"I am not jealous," she defended. "Just a little envious."

"Envious?" he asked. "What could you possibly envy about Linda Lawson?"

"Well, she was able to land you – something I was never able to do."

"You never tried - until now."

"Have I 'landed' you?" she said a little weakly.

"A perfect trap and secure tie down," he combed her hair back off her face.

She smiled back. "I am not sure I like this analogy."

"Because?"

"You're the plane and I am the carrier?"

He playfully scanned her. "Well, you do have some pretty impressive hips."

"Keep that up and you will be sleeping on deck tonight," she warned.

"It was a compliment." He leaned back and rubbed his eyes. He was almost too tired to play.

She didn't know what else to say. She felt out of place and she was unsure about a future with Harm. There were so many things that could blow up in their faces. So many ways it could end before it got started – this thing with Lawson notwithstanding. She did envy Linda. She felt it rather than thought it. She envied her as Harm's wife and mother of his children and someone who would be tied to him for the rest of his or her life – in the good times and the bad times. He would never walk away from Linda, not completely. He had walked away from Mac, and it was completely. "Still," she croaked out.

Harm felt her uncertainty. It annoyed him. "Still – nothing – Mac, --- Linda didn't 'land' me – she entrapped me," he said harshly. "Any positive feelings I had for her were tossed out the window then. We never had a marriage – I wouldn't wish that life on my worst enemy."

Mac looked uncomfortable. Her focus shifted off herself and onto Harm. She had known his marriage was one of necessity but it was still hard to imagine the loneliness he must have lived with all that time. Mac had Alan, and as bad as things got, she had loved him – and still did – after a fashion. It made her sad for Harm.

"You said Linda 'supposedly' killed her father?" Typical Mac; back to business when the emotions got too real. "Why supposedly?"

"Watson said she confessed, but I don't know. It doesn't sound like her."

"She is not capable of murder?" Mac asked.

"No, she's a capable – more than – but she has never taken responsibility for anything in her life – now is a hell of a time to start?" he almost laughed. He looked up at Mac and shook his head. "No, if she had done it should would blame everybody from the cook to the paper boy."

"The suicide attempt?" Mac reminded him.

"Not convinced it was suicide," he stated simply. "One of Linda's problems is that she abuses prescription drugs. On more than one occasion she was admitted to the hospital because she had overdosed – by 'accident' and needed to dry out. She always protested that it was accidental; she just forgot how much she took."

"Were they ever recorded as suicide attempts?"

"None – with money comes privilege."

Things were not adding up for Mac. "I don't understand, Watson said she confessed -."

"I'll bet the 'confession' was a lie made up by Watson to see if he could trip me up. I am sure he would love to prove that I did it."

"He was really pushing your buttons, wasn't he?" she almost smiled.

"He liked you," he shot back at her.

Mac dismissed it with a shake of her head.

Harm didn't want to let it go. "Can I just tell you? – maybe I shouldn't."

"What?" she asked.

"I wanted to beat him senseless for the way he was looking at you."

"You always were the jealous type," Mac teased. "But green was never your color, sailor."

"I'm serious," he was not letting go.

"So am I," she stated. "You don't trust me?"

"Implicitly. But if Watson came on any stronger – if any man came on stronger –."

She shut him down. "Harm, I can't tell you how unattractive you are this way."

He was shaken back to current.

She took the upper hand. "Let me tell you something, Hammer. Your snide, jealous, nasty side is – and always was – the thing I liked least about you."

Harm gave her a sidelong look as if to say 'I wouldn't have had to be jealous or snide if you had not chosen so many other men.' But he didn't say that out loud.

"Where is this coming from?" Mac defended.

"I don't know," he rubbed his face with his hands. "I don't know – maybe I just feel it all getting out of control – out of my control. Beating Watson into the sidewalk would at least be proactive."

"And unproductive, and unnecessary," she added.

"We were going along at such a nice even pace until - what? - ten days ago?"

"We'll be OK," she tried to reassure him as well as herself.

"The stakes are getting too high," he sat up and took her hand. "What happens when it all gets to be too much for you and you want to walk away?"

"Do you think that is going to happen?"

"I don't know," he softened his voice. "Maybe I should let you go – or force you away – so you don't get dragged through this mire. You have your own stuff to deal with; you shouldn't have to deal with my crap too. I wanted to be there for you, not the other way around."

"Harm."

"I don't know," he let her hand go and got up. "Maybe I should take some time and clean this mess up and come back when I am prepared to at least offer you only a minor amount of baggage."

"I don't think that is necessary."

"No, I suppose not," he smirked. "You will be headed back home in a week and I 'won't be able to leave town.' I suppose the whole thing is really moot."

She motioned for him to rejoin her on the couch. "What a difference a day makes."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"All that talk about staying together – thick and thin – good times and tough times."

"I never said thick and thin."

She repeated his words back to him; "'I would rather struggle everyday with you by my side, than to have it easy and neat – alone.'"

"I said that?" he sat down next to her.

"Loudly and clearly – and in so many words."

"Well, I meant the normal struggles of two divorced people with children who live thousands of miles apart trying to make a life together."

"We can deal with those, too."

"And then there are just the normal struggles of any two adults – mature, set in their ways – trying to get together," he took her hand. "Never our strong suit, Mac – even in our younger days."

"I know."

"But I never considered this kind of --."

"We have been through tougher times," she assured him.

He shook his head. "That argument doesn't hold, counselor. We did not survive back then. We destroyed what we could have had and walked away."

A light went on for Mac. Minutes before she honestly believed that Harm had walked away from her completely, but the reality was that if she had called him any time in those years they were apart, he would have been there for her as she would have been for him. She knew that. She knew it in her head, and she knew it in her heart. She believed it. She needed to convince him. "I don't see it that way. I don't see it as a then and now. The fact that we are together now says that it wasn't destroyed – at all."

"Do you really believe that?"

"I do," she was convincing herself more and more of that with each word.

"So you believe that we were inevitable, unavoidable, destined?"

"No, not at all … but I do think that if we ever chose to give ourselves the opportunity to be together – that it would be very --," she lost the word.

"Explosive?" he offered.

"No … but it will rock both of our worlds."

"Is that a good thing?" he asked.

She placed her head on his shoulder. "Harm, I'm here because here is where I want to be," she wrapped her arm around him. "And for the first time since I met you, I can say that without reservation."

"You are here," he pulled her to him and kissed her. "And for that I am eternally grateful."

He pulled her into a tight embrace and they sat quietly for a moment. His eyes were closed. She listened to his heartbeat.

Mac finally disturbed it. "So, do you have a plan?"

"At the moment?" he sighed without moving. "I am going to take a beautiful woman to bed and make sweet passionate love to her."

"Sounds like a short-term plan."

"Oh – that hurts," he smiled.

"I thought you were too tired."

"You revive me," he titled his head down to see her bright eyes.

She leaned up and met his lips. They would be safe and protected from the world for just a little while longer.

They made it to bed and the pillow, then they both fell asleep in each other's arms – still fully dressed.

X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x

The next morning was a fiasco. Hailey woke the entire house up with screams that someone was looking through her window. Harm investigated and discovered reporters, paprazzi, and curious onlookers camped out on his front step with one brazen little bastard wandering through the yard. He retrieved the film and sent them all packing – he was not as gentlemanly as an old officer should have been, but he got his point across. A quick discussion and they decided that they had to retreat to higher ground. Mac and Hailey would stay at base housing and Harm and the boys would stay with Trish and Frank; so much for thick and thin. Mac did protest the arrangement, but Harm insisted. He would not let Hailey be subjected to that kind of abuse any more than he would let Mac or his boys.

Trish and Frank lived in a gated community so the odds of it happening up there were slim. Trish offered to take care of the boys, but Harm had arranged for Mrs. Johnson to come to them. It was hard on the old woman, but she took the change well.

Days passed. Harm tried to carry on 'business as usual' but his life was hardly in a rut at the moment. His meeting with Watson was about as productive as nothing at all. Watson had watched too much LAW AND ORDER to be a good cop or even a decent man. Always went for the crass and rude joke. Harm had to really contain himself.

He tried to contract Linda's doctor, but the doctor would not return his calls. He even instructed the nurses at the hospital to tell Mr. Harmon Rabb, Jr. that he would not return his calls and he was in no way allowed to see or communicate with Linda. One side of Harm was thrilled that they did not expect him to take care of her, but of course the other side was annoyed that he was being denied. He waited.

He and Mac talked several times a day and would try to get together for lunch or dinner, but it was hard to find the right or enough time. Her case was going well and it would wrap up before Friday. Her estimated two weeks, was cut in half. She promised that she would stay for the boys' birthday party on Saturday, but would have to fly home on Sunday. She was needed back at work.

Chloe came into Rabb's office one day and plopped herself down.

"Harm."

"Chloe."

"We hit a rough patch, you and I," she stated.

"You could say that."

"You did something nice for me with no ulterior motives. I didn't trust that."

"You thought I offered you this internship and a place to stay to get back in Mac's good graces?"

"I did."

"I did," he smiled. "But nothing said that it was going to work. Even if it hadn't, we both would still have gotten something out of this little experiment. You got some much needed experience and I got a slave for the summer," he was done with the tête-à-tête. "Do you have the Carson file finished yet?" he was dismissing her.

Chloe smiled and got up to leave. "Ya know Harm, I don't dislike you as much as you think I do."

He couldn't help but smile at that remark. "Good to know."

"I am going to say something that you can't repeat to me or anyone else."

"OK."

"You are a good man, Rabb. Mac could do worse – she has done worse – and you are good to Hailey."

"Thank you."

"And for what it is worth, I am sorry that all this other crap is happening."

He nodded and she left.

Harm was overcome with sadness. He had to get up and shut the door. He was so close to having everything he as ever wanted. Now that one and only chance was going to get washed away. Mac would go home and they would talk on the phone, less and less over time. They would attempt to see each other but something would always come up. Her kid, his kids, weather, work – who knows? Something would come up to keep them apart.

Even without the fall out from Lawson's murder, were either Harm or Mac prepared to pick up and move three thousand miles? They hadn't even had a chance to think about it, much less discuss it. His assumption was that she would move west, but why? Why should he assume that? She was settled with a house and a good career in Virginia, what did he have? The house was in trust for the boys; there was nothing that said they have to live there? The status of the agency now hung in the balance. Lawson was a major donor and he sat – had sat – on the board of directors. How long could he possible keep the doors open? How would that failure affect him? That agency was his brainchild.

Could he walk away from the life he scratched out for himself and his kids? Was there anything keeping him there? He could move east. Couldn't he? Did she want him there? She wasn't even divorced yet. Could he really just slip into Alan's place with his two kids? Out with the old, in with the new. That is the real question. No, actually the real question was were either of them ready to take that HUGE a step. Moving too quickly – or too slowly – could ruin everything. Was he prepared to lose her again? What would he do to keep her? What would he have to do? Yes his sons were his first priority – but in 20 years they would be adults with lives of their own and he would be in his sixty's. How much should he give up for his kids? How much would they want him to? He had already given up two years. Was that enough? Did any of this need to be decided at the moment? And if not, when, how much time could be devoted to avoiding this decision?

The phone pulled him out of his pity party. It was Frank. They needed to talk.

X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x

Frank and Harm met for a drink. It had been a while since Harm drank, and he could sure use a double about now. Frank was already there and a head of him by one martini.

"Harm, sit, sit, sit," he called to him when he walked in. He waved the bartender over.

"What is going on Frank?"

"You know, I never really liked Walter Lawson."

Harm raised an eyebrow. He was not interested in an 'apology' from Frank about bringing Lawson into their lives.

"He was a business associate and you know how that works – most deals are made on the golf course or over drinks at the club, so 'friendship' is a hard thing to define."

"I understand," Harm was not fully following where Frank was leading.

"Well I got some news that will make a difference to you. I shouldn't be telling you this – breaking some rule somewhere – but --," he paused and looked at Harm. "You know I think of you as a son?"

Harm nodded.

"I know I am not your father and that you will never think of me that way – but I do -."

"What is going on, Frank?"

"Lawson is broke. Well – was broke."

"I don't understand."

"He made some seriously bad investments – I am privy to some information that I shouldn't be. Anyway he is broke."

"Well, a man who dies penniless had a good budget." The full weight of this news was lost on Harm.

"No, Harm you are missing my point. He leveraged everything he had left for this last big deal he was working. EVERYTHING."

"The boys trust?" Parent Rabb's hackles went up.

"More than likely."

"No," Harm was not impressed with this little revelation.

"Yes."

Harm was annoyed.

"Worse than that – he took a few other people down with him."

"What deal are you talking about?"

"Doesn't matter – I can't tell you. He tried to get me in on it, but your mother stopped me. One of the few times I actually listened to her," he looked shamed. "If Linda hadn't pulled the trigger then someone else probably would have – if he didn't do it first."

"So – I am unclear, what are you telling me this for."

"That house, that agency, the trust for the boys – it's all gone."

"He couldn't touch it. That is what a trust is all about."

"Did you read the fine print, Harm? You may be a great criminal attorney, but you can't begin to appreciate the loopholes that Lawson could dream up in a business deal. It's all gone – not to mention everything else that he owned including his company. Hell if there is anything left the stock holders will pick it clean."

"This is ridiculous."

"Believe me. You will be affected the least – all you will lose is money that was never yours to begin with. This will put thousands of people out of work – this is just short of the ENRON fiasco from years ago. It may take a few months for all the crap to surface, but you will lose everything. I am telling you this now, so you can prepare yourself."

"Do you know this for a fact? Or is this just speculation?'

"Can I prove it? No. Do I have reliable information? The best."

"If all this was going down, why would he start this custody thing?"

"This deal went sour on Friday. It was pretty quick. So I can only imagine that he started the custody battle to keep you from finding out about the trust and – who knows, to keep Linda happy. Who knows? Until close of business on Friday he was riding the high wave – maybe he wanted his heirs around him."

"None of this is making sense. What is the deal?"

"Harm, you probably didn't see it in the papers, but a certain software company went belly up. They were designing something that was to revolutionize – well let's just say it would be revolutionary. The problem was it didn't work."

"This is movie of the week stuff, Frank. Speak English."

"He put all his eggs in one basket, and the basket broke. Is that English enough for you Harm? I am tell you this so you don't wind up with egg on your face."


	11. 11

Title: **In A Garden**

Chapter Eleven

By: LizD

Written: February 2004

Disclaimers: No disrespect to JAG's cast, crew or creators. With love and thanks.

**In A Garden – Part 11**

X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x

Mac sat at her makeshift desk finalizing her report on her laptop. She had a small space on a large table that had been used for the copier among other office machines. She had to laugh. She never would have been treated this way if she had had the weight of JAG HQ behind her or if this case were something more than nothing. But she appeased herself in the knowledge that if she had needed an office; one would have been provided for her. She didn't.

Her position at Quantico was so much less than her position at JAG. It was good easy work, and at the time she took it she wanted to be away from the high profile cases and all the memories that JAG HQ afforded. Then when she got pregnant, she was grateful that she would not have to work odd hours or be sent on assignments – much like the one she was on then. This trip to San Diego was a fluke. She normally would not have been considered for the duty, but she asked for it (she had her reasons and they had nothing to do with the case) and her CO thought it was a good sign that she was willing to go. Her CO was always over compensating because he knew he had a thoroughbred pulling a plow. He was just waiting for the day she would ask for her transfer back to the kind of work she was good at. Back to JAG.

Transferring was what was on her mind that day – rather not transferring. She was headed home in three days and there was no firm plan on the table for what she and Harm were going to do about their relationship. They could not push it forward any faster. He had this THING and she had a divorce to finalize. So for all intents and purposes it was on hold. Hold isn't bad, but it could kill them if not handled correctly – kill them again – kill them dead this time. They had been on hold before and look where that had gotten them. But there was all this other drama to deal with.

Oh the other hand, even if both those issues were resolved, was she really ready to get that serious so quickly? She just got out of a bad marriage. Her feelings for Alan weren't confusing as much as they were still fresh – the hurt, the pain, all of it. Hell, Harm had only been back in her life since April – three months. And what did they have? She had a nice two-week vacation, some wonderful open, honest, friendly, long distance phone conversations, a pretty nasty fight and a weekend of some very intense intimacy. But was that enough? Did they know each other anymore? The only reason he approached her after all those years, was because she lost her baby. She was still dealing with that. She didn't let herself dwell on it much, but she still would wake in the wee hours of the morning aching for the baby that she never got to hold. Since that first night with Harm, she woke in the wee hours thinking about other things as well. She was thinking of the future, not the past. A future – a future with Harm? Maybe.

And what would that future hold? Years ago one of the things that had kept her linked to Harm was that stupid baby deal. She had believed –and still did in weak moments – that Harm and she were meant to be parents together. Was it enough to be stepparents together? Or did they need to have one of their own? Did either of them want another child? A part of her thought she could never go through that kind of pain again – not for anyone. But another part of her believed that she could not let Hailey grow up as an only child – as she had herself. Of course if she married Harm, Hailey would have two brothers. Issue resolved.

MARRY HARM? What the hell was she thinking? The voices in her head took over the debate and spoke faster than she could follow.

"_Of course you will marry Harm. What did you think this was all about?"_

"_You don't have to, he is not the last fish in the sea."_

"_What if he doesn't ask?"_

"_What if he does? You aren't ready to get married again."_

"_He has asked already – if you read between the lines."_

"_Read between the lines? Are you kidding? This is Harmon Rabb, the only thing to know for sure is if he didn't say it, it wasn't said."_

"_Isn't that the truth, the man can IMPLY that the sky is blue, but you can't quote him."_

"_You are thinking of the OLD Harm, he is older now -- wiser. A lot less ego."_

"_RIGHT - If you need to think so to help you get through the night."_

"_Look, it's leading that way – you need to consider it."_

"_Agreed. Six months or a year from now."_

"_Longer."_

"_Longer? You're no spring chicken, girl. If you want to have another baby, you better get on it soon."_

"_Another baby?"_

"_Don't you think you should?"_

"_No. What if --"_

"_Don't be ridiculous. There is no reason to think it would happen again."_

"_Look, I will tell you what to do: get your divorce as quickly as you can, transfer west, marry Harm and get pregnant as soon as possible. Have a nice life!"_

"_Well that is certainly one plan."_

"_Hell, if you put some hustle into it, girl, you could have this all done by Christmas."_

"_Your other option is to go home and go back to your little life: your house, your garden, your job, your kid. Nothing wrong with that. More than a lot of women get."_

"_No dates, no romance, no nothing. Just sitting around waiting to get old. Maybe you could get a cat for when Hailey moves out."_

"_I need to say again – Harm is not the only alternative to living alone. There are plenty of men out there."_

"_Sure, plenty of men who would be willing to take on a woman and a child and all the baggage that goes with that."_

"_There are plenty of men who come with a lot less baggage than Harm does."_

"_It didn't happen for you and him years ago – have you ever figured out why?"_

"_And if you say 'bad timing' I will hit you myself."_

"_Maybe those old issues are still there and would rear their ugly little heads if you pursue this."_

"_Something to consider."_

"_Why the hell should you move west? You have a home, job, a life – let him pick up his lazy behind and move to you."_

"_Then he will be in your house."_

"_Giving it a man's touch."_

"_IN YOUR HOUSE."_

"_What is wrong with having Harm in your house?"_

"_Harm and his two boys."_

"_And another baby – maybe."_

"Excuse me Colonel?" A man's voice intruded on the debate. "You have a phone call on line 5."

"Thank you." Mac said. Her head was still whirling. "MacKenzie," she said when she got the phone to her ear.

"Hey gorgeous, what say we make a midnight rondeveau to watch the submarine races?"

"You sure know how to treat a lady," she could not help but smile.

"Lady, I would treat you like the Queen if I could only see you."

"You OK?"

"Miss you," he said weakly. There was so much more to say.

"Where are you?"

"On my way home from having a drink with Frank."

"How was that?"

Harm was silent.

"Harm?"

"Fine, Fine. Just wanted to offer his support and to tell me that he thinks of me as a son."

"That was nice."

"Yeah, I guess," Harm continued - changing the subject. "The boys and I are going back to the house tonight. I want them to be home for their birthday."

"All that hoopla should be died down by now."

"I should think," he added more to himself than for her. "For now."

"What?" She didn't hear him.

"Don't suppose you want to pack up Hailey and meet us there?"

"Having dinner with Bud and Harriet tonight."

"Oh yeah, I forgot."

"Why don't you join us?"

"No, I am sure you and Harriet have some catching up to do." The disappointment was thick in his voice.

"Harm, are you alright?"

"Fine. I am fine. Like I said, I just miss you."

"How about tomorrow night? We will come over and help you get ready for the big day."

"We'd like that."

"Hailey got a very special present for the boys."

"You didn't need to do that."

"It was all her, Harm. You know she calls them her brothers."

"She does?" That perked him up.

"She does."

Harm's voice took on a soft loving tone. "Well, we should talk about that."

Mac panicked. What was he going to say next? "Hey, I need to go, let me call you in about an hour or so, before I head over the Roberts."

"Sure. Sure. Go. Get your work done, marine. Semper Fi and all that."

"I'll call you later."

"Right, bye."

She hung up.

"I love you," he said into the dead line.

X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x

Mac chased Hailey up the sidewalk to the Roberts' door. AJ answered.

"Where is Harm?" he demanded.

"AJ!" his mother scolded coming from right behind him.

"Uncle Harm."

"AJ!" she scolded again.

Mac interrupted, "Hi, AJ."

"Say hello to your Aunt Mac and Hailey."

"Hi. I wanted to show Harm that I finished the model he gave me for my birthday. I even got it up in the air, Mom said he would be here."

"AJ go finish setting the table." His mother turned him back toward the dining room and gave him a maternal shove.

Harriet stepped back and allowed Mac and Hailey to enter. "Hailey, Cassia is in her room waiting for you."

Hailey looked up at her mom quickly and ran down the hall. The women hugged.

"So where is Harm?"

Mac was now a little confused.

"I told him about it yesterday," Harriet added.

"Harriet, I don't think Harm thought it was an invitation. He was never planning on coming."

"Well, that is just silly. I mean now that you two are - - -." Harriet stopped herself; she had no idea really what Harm and Mac were to each other. She had assumed that since Mac had come out for the custody hearing that of course they were together. Bud kept telling her not to assume things. "That is just silly, I made enough food for the whole fleet. I am going to call him, right now," she headed back to the kitchen to find the phone.

"No, Harriet," Mac stopped her. "Let him be."

"Is he OK? I didn't see him today; he was in meetings and then left early."

"As you can imagine he is under a lot of stress."

"Yeah, losing the agency is going to be very hard on him."

"Losing the agency?" Mac was confused.

"He didn't tell you?"

"No."

"Maybe I shouldn't say anything," she continued more to herself than to Mac. "I thought she would have told him by now."

"Who? What?"

"I was talking to the bookkeeper today and she said that we have not received our stipend from the Lawson foundation for the third month."

"Lawson Foundation?"

"Our major donor. We can't keep the lights on if we don't get that money. I mean I do what I can, and we have all kinds of subsidies, but Lawson footed the bill. All our salaries – which aren't a lot but they do add up, rent, supplies, court fees. We are now indebt to our eye teeth – checks are going to start bouncing."

"Does Harm know about this?"

"He doesn't really take too much interest in the accounting of the agency. You know Harm, probably never balanced his checkbook and never really cared about money. Anyway Anna – she is our volunteer bookkeeper was going to tell him today."

"He didn't say anything to me."

"It will really hurt him if we have to close our doors. He was always very proud of the work we did."

"No hope of another donor?"

"Not like Lawson – that was a gift of love – or obligation or something. Yeah, he wrote if off on his taxes – or one of his companies did - but it was still a pretty big hit. It is hard to replace that."

"I see."

"Harm was hoping that we would be self-sufficient in a couple of years but we may never find out."

Mac looked toward the phone. She wanted to call and check in with him. She could never stop herself from feeling his pain. She had to force herself not to.

Harriet helped. "So, what is going on between you two anyway?"

Mac was terrified that she was not going to have to explain to Harriet what she did not know herself. Luckily (for Mac) little Jimmy came running up the hall protesting that he 'didn't mean to do it.' When asked what it was he had done, the screams from Cassia's room let them know it involved the girls. A child crisis saved Mac from answering right away, and gave her time to think of a good answer for the next time Harriet asked.

X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x

The next time Harriet asked was after dinner and the kids were sent to their rooms to play. Bud was helping AJ with something or other and the women were left to do the dishes.

"So, Mac, tell me about you and Harm?"

"Nothing really to tell."

"Mac!"

"Really, Harriet. You know Harm -."

"I know that he was never happier than when you were here on vacation. I know he flew you home to pick up Hailey and I know you were together Monday morning when the news about Walter Lawson came out."

"Well – I would not say he was 'never happier', as for flying me home – any excuse Harm has to climb in the pilot's seat is good enough for him, and well --."

"Mac, are you going to deny that there is more than friendship between you?"

Mac heaved a heavy sigh. "No."

"So, how are things with you and Harm?"

"It is hard to say right now, Harriet. We both in the middle of other stuff."

"The custody case is resolved – I guess."

"Yes, but I am still married," Mac argued.

"Do you think of yourself as married?"

"No, and I haven't for quite a long time, but the fact remains legally I am still married."

"Have you filed for divorce?"

"Last week."

"That is a step in the right direction." Harriet felt encouraged for her friends.

"Right? I am getting a divorce Harriet. That means I failed in my marriage – how can I possible start another relationship?"

"That is one way to look at it. Another way is to say that you made a mistake and you are rectifying it."

"When I look at Hailey, I don't see a mistake."

"Mac."

"Harriet, what is to say that Harm and I are not making a mistake as well? Maybe this is just residual stuff that we never resolved before."

"Does it feel like last time?"

"No. Things are different now. We don't work together; there is no real need to barter for control and well - " Mac widened her eyes trying to imply to Harriet that last time they never 'did it.'

"You mean you two never-? Back at JAG … you never…?"

Mac shook her head.

"Not once, in all that time?"

"No."

"Wow that is news."

"What do you mean?"

"We all just assumed that you did and then the relationship went south."

"Why would you have assumed that?"

"Please Mac, you two acted like lovers – always making excuses to be with each other, always fighting. I have never seen two people more in-sync and out of sorts. Then he left and then you left – we just assumed -."

"Who is 'we'?"

"Damn near everyone."

"Terrific." Mac was not impressed that that was the impression her coworkers had.

"But in hindsight – I guess you are right – you acted more like two people who should have but didn't."

"Harriet this is not helping."

"Mac, honestly – how do you feel about him?"

"I love him." The words were out of her mouth before she could check them.

"So what is the problem?"

"Do you want the list?"

"No, I want you to stop fighting it." Harriet was such a good Mom, even to those who weren't her children.

X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x

For the next part of the evening Mac struggled with thoughts she could not control: marriages, divorces, time, distance, aging, babies and death. They made her sad. They made her mad. They made her happy. They made her feel things she had not felt in years – namely the cruel injustice of this cold lonely world and the simple pleasure that could be found in a kiss. Life and love and happiness should not be so difficult to acquire when you live by the rules. After all this time, how could she still be so in love with a man, and have him still so far out of reach? It was not fair. It was not right. It was – in fact – the furthest thing from right – it was dead wrong.

It was after 2200 when Mac pulled into Harm's driveway. Harriet had convinced her to leave Hailey with Cassia. They were having such a good time, and a little slumber party was in order. Harriet had assumed that she would go to Harm, but said nothing about it. She was not going to push; she was just going to open a door and let the colonel walk through.

Mac pushed open Harm's door when there was no answer. She looked inside and there was only the kitchen light on. She knew he was home; his car was parked out front. No one was there. There was no evidence of the boys, but Harm's briefcase and shoes were by the door. A little panic set in. What if something had happened? She pulled her cell phone out and called his number. The phone rang in the bedroom. So that proved it. He had been there. She was just about to start gathering more clues, when he came through the door fresh (rather 'ripe') from a run.

"Mac," he panted.

She breathed a sigh of relief. "Hi."

"What are you doing here?"

"Thought I would come by. Is that alright?"

"Yeah, it's great. I'm glad you did," he lightly kissed her cheek as not to get sweat all over her and moved toward the kitchen to get some water. "Is Hailey asleep?"

"I hope so. She is with Cassia at Harriet's."

"You came by yourself?"

She nodded. "Where are the boys?"

"With my mother. They wanted to stay and I could not take one more night of her indulging them."

"A grandmother's prerogative I suppose."

"Yeah," he wiped his face with the dishtowel and tossed it toward the laundry room. "I should jump in the shower and rinse off."

"Don't," she reached out to touch his arm. "Don't, not on my account."

"I just got back from five miles, Mac."

"You're fine," she looked a little teary eyed.

"Sarah, are you OK?" He stepped closer to her.

"I am supposed to be asking you that."

"Why? Did some other piece of the sky come crashing down to earth while I wasn't paying attention?"

"Harm don't," she did let a tear fall. "Don't joke."

"Honey, what is going on?" He placed his hands on either side of her face and tilted it up to see his. "Talk to me."

"It is nothing – silly stuff."

"I can be silly," he smiled.

She pulled herself to him and wrapped her arms around his waist. "Just hold me. Hold me for a little while."

He wrapped his arms around her held on. It was exactly what he needed, to have her in his arms. He closed his eyes and breathed a sigh of relief. All felt right with the world – well at least that it would be alright.

"Harm?" She tilted her head back.

Before she could get another word out, his mouth was seeking hers. Just like in the movies, he picked her up and carried her to the bedroom – their sanctuary, their safety net, their lifeline to a better place. That night was about love and comfort not about sex and satisfaction. They slept lightly in each other's embrace.

Many hours later, Harm lay awake thinking about what the days, weeks, and months ahead would bring. He was terrified that some how they would lose what they had found, terrified that he would some how do too much or too little and ruin everything.

As if she were reading his mind she answered him. "That won't happen."

"Can you be so sure?" He asked.

"I can promise for myself and I can trust in you."

"Sarah --."

"One day at a time," she assured him.

"Is there a twelve step program for this?"

"There ought to be."

He was quiet for a little while. Eventually he said, "Sarah, I don't think I will be able to let you go come Sunday."

"I'll be a phone call away."

"I don't know if that will be good enough."

"It will have to be," she was being strong for him. What she really wanted to say was 'force me to stay.' "It is only for a while."

"Yeah," he found his strength. "Just time."

"A matter of time."

He was still unconvinced and very unhappy. Mac took it upon herself to distract him, which would only make letting her go harder – but at the time he didn't care. She was making love with him.

"Harm," she looked into his warm blue eyes. "I love you, too."

X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x


	12. 12

Title: **In A Garden**

Chapter Twelve

By: LizD

Written: February 2004

Disclaimers: No disrespect to JAG's cast, crew or creators. With love and thanks.

**In A Garden – Part 12**

X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x

The next few days flew by and then she was gone. They tried to stop time – well slow it down anyway.

Harm had taken Friday off and he and Mac spent good quality time alone in the morning and afternoon – waking up slowly, eating a leisurely breakfast, running errands and generally enjoying the slowed childless pace. They didn't discuss the financial issues facing Harm; Mac knew that he would need time to think them through himself first. She also knew that there was more than what Harriet was privy to. They didn't discuss her divorce or a plan for moving one or the other family to the other coast. In fact they skirted around the whole 'future' discussion. Harm tried, but each time he got close – Mac changed the subject. He took that as a sign that she was not ready, and convinced himself to bide his time.

The boys' birthday party was a raging success. They were well behaved and had a wonderful time. Mac, in all respects, acted as his co-host. It warmed his heart to see her take on the role with such ease and grace. Chloe saw Harm and Mac interacting and she could not deny that Mac looked happy and they did look like they were well suited. The party ended and like good parents, they sent the guests home, put the children to bed and cleaned up together.

The next morning was a blur and before Harm knew it, it was time for her to go. Chloe was to drive Mac and Hailey to the airport so the 'goodbye' was at the house. They had said – expressed rather– what they really wanted to impart to the other the night before in the dark and quiet of the night. Words were not necessary or encouraged – nothing that would quantify the feelings. But when the day came, there was nothing tangible to hang on to. Harm wanted her to have something of his, and he wanted something from her as a talisman, a touchstone, and a lucky piece to keep close. But that felt so silly. They were adults. He was embarrassed to ask. Guess he didn't see her stuffing his US NAVY sweatshirt – the one that took him ten years to break in – into her suitcase. It would become the first thing she changed into every night. He also didn't notice - until a couple days after she left - that his Navy ring was replaced in his jewelry box with her Marine one. He smiled at her sly romantic side, and kept it in his pocket for safekeeping.

The time came for them to go and Hailey had a little meltdown. She did not want to go. She ran crying from the house and down the street. Mac started to go after her, but a touch from Harm stopped her. He ran down after Hailey. When he caught up to her she was sitting on the sidewalk crying.

"I don't want to go. I like it here."

"Yeah, here is a nice."

"I'm staying. Can't I stay?"

"Sure, honey. You can stay," he waited for her to look up at him. "Your mom still has to go."

"I want her to stay too."

"Yeah, me too. But she can't, she has to go to work."

"No." Hailey pouted.

"I know. It is too bad, but even after you grow up there are things you have to do that you really don't want to – kind of like baths and eating your vegetables."

"Mommy has to go?"

"Yes. Now, you could stay here. David and Zander would love to have you, but then your mom would be all alone."

"I don't want her to be alone."

"How about this? How about if you go with your mom, and I promise that soon – very soon – Zander and David and I will come visit you?"

"When?"

He wished he could answer that with a date and time, but - - - "soon."

"Before my birthday?"

"That's in November?"

"November 14th."

"Before then," he promised. She wrapped her arms around his neck and he picked her up and carried her back.

That little incident took away time. Harm placed her in the car seat and kissed her little head.

"Thank you." Mac said for more than just calming her daughter down. "I'll call you."

He nodded. His tongue was tied and he was worried about what would fall out of his mouth. He pressed her to him and released her quickly. The boys clamored for hugs and kisses then stood by their father.

With that - she was gone. Watching her drive away, Harm felt the same loss he did that night on the admiral's porch. Would there ever be a time when they didn't have to say goodbye?

X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x

Time passed quickly for Harm. He had things to do – preemptive things for the short term but not losing site of the long term. He had heard nothing more specific about the state of Lawson's affairs or the trusts for the boys, but there were rumblings in the Wall Street Journal that were some mis-dealings being uncovered at Lawson Enterprises. So Harm decided to nullify the Lawson effect.

First: The house. He found a small three-bedroom rental that he could afford near where Bud and Harriet lived. The boys had no issue moving except to ask where Hailey was going to sleep. Out of the mouths of babes.

Second: Health Care. He changed his status from Navy Retired to Reserve and got health insurance for the boys though the VA. He didn't need to change his status, but he liked the idea of wearing a uniform again if only for a weekend a month and two weeks a year.

Third: Education. He started two college savings plans. It wouldn't pay for Harvard, Yale or Stanford, but they would go to college.

Finally: The agency. By mid-August it had closed it's doors. They had transferred all the active cases to other firms and found the employees and volunteers other positions. Harriet was disappointed and tried to take some of the blame, saying that she could have – should have done more to raise funds, but Harm would not let her. Chloe stuck around for a few more weeks, she had fallen in summer love with an engineering student from CalPoly. They each would be heading back to school just after labor day, and wanted to spend the last few weeks together.

Harm took Kate Mendelson up on her offer. His salary nearly tripled (the only advantage to working in the private sector). The work was less than satisfying but there was plenty of it. He was biding his time; he could handle it. As much as all the moves he was making were proactive, he felt the loss of the agency deeply. Where would those children go now? Who would advocate for them? He discussed it at length with Mac on several occasions, but there was really no way to soothe his guilt or sense of failure. She did what she could with a phone line – just that she was there at the other end was enough for him.

Those last phone calls of the day became his private joy. When all else was quiet and they each could focus on nothing else, they talked about what was happening in their respective days – it was almost like being there. He was careful about what he shared with Mac – not the 'what' so much as the 'how'. They were too far apart, he couldn't afford for her to get the wrong impression. There was a concern that Mac might see all these changes as him carving out a future for himself and his boys without her and Hailey. He couldn't let her think that. Nor could he let her think that he was "allowing for her" or "expecting" her to pick up and move 3000 miles as if that was expected of her – the woman.

He also did not feel right soliciting her advice. What should she say? Logic and reason said that he and his kids needed a place to live, and he needed a job. How simple? Mac had a house big enough for all of them, and god knows a lawyer could find work in fifteen minutes in Washington. SO? Move east. Move in together? Case closed. It was not that easy. She, he and the kids were not ready to make that move - east or west. On the other hand, he couldn't put his life on hold waiting for Lawson's shoes to drop leaving him caught short. Nor could he wait for that 'magical mystery date' when Mac would be ready to move forward and discuss the options before them. He could not put pressure on her to make a decision before she was ready. She was dealing with a heck of a lot more than he was. He could give her the time she needed as long as she was there at the end of the line. So it was one day at a time, one step at a time, one crisis at a time, one phone call at a time. That was how he got through those two months.

Linda was still in the hospital by late August. Charges had still not been filed. Lawson Enterprises was frozen and more was surfacing daily. He had stayed up with the case and now that Mac was out of the area, he could deal with Watson, as he wanted to. Then he received this message on his voicemail:

"Harm, It's Linda. I need to see you. I didn't kill him, Harm. Please help me."

That message he did not share with Mac. Why? Because of the 'what' and because there was no 'how' to tell her.

X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x

For Mac, her life resumed its normal pace - temporarily. At first the only difference was her long distance bill and every night the last words she heard were Harm's wish for pleasant dreams. That only lasted a few weeks. Due to budgetary constraints, the legal division at Quantico was cut in half. Most of the senior staff was diverted to various other bases. She was sent back to JAG HQ – a final gift from her CO. She wanted to think it was like going home again, but the only people she recognized were Turner and Coates. The admiral in charge of the division, Admiral C. Wendy Strickland, was not impressed with Mac's credentials and was not interested in treating her like the return of the conquering hero. Mac was given low-level grunt work, which she was used to from Quantico. Strickland was also not impressed that Mac was a single mother and asked for latitude in her schedule. Strickland had raised four boys almost entirely by herself while continuing to advance her career. Mac was not impressed with her new boss either. All in all it was not a welcome home. But if Mac had learned something in her life, it was that few things were permanent – either good or bad.

She dealt with the return to JAG quite well. Somehow just knowing that that Harm was back in her life gave her hope for a better future – walking around the old offices with all the old memories (even the not so good ones) actually made her feel closer to Harm, and made the work tolerable. Moving would not be so bad, she thought. Yes, she loved her house, but San Diego had very nice weather. She would be working with Bud again. It would be nice for her kids – sorry, her daughter and Harm's sons - to grow up with AJ, Jimmy and Cassia like one big happy extended family. The more she heard about the things Harm was doing, the more she liked the idea. California or Bust. But first things first – the divorce.

Mac received a call from her attorney the day after Labor Day asking about the divorce papers. Apparently Alan had not signed them or at least had not returned them. Mac was at a loss. He had demanded that she file, agreed with everything she outlined and that was the last they had discussed of it. He was working in Omaha Nebraska. They had spoken on a number of occasions, but always about Hailey and very limited personal news. She made the call.

"Alan, it's Mac."

"Mac, what's up?" He was rushing out the door, she could tell by his voice.

"Got a call from my attorney, she has not received the signed papers yet."

"No, I suppose she hasn't," he was short and cold. "Since they are still sitting in my inbox."

"Is there some reason for the hold up?"

"You in a hurry to get rid of me so you can hook up with your FLYBOY?"

"Excuse me?"

"I know all about 'Uncle Harm' – you should coach Hailey better if you want to keep your secrets."

"There is no secret, Alan."

"The only thing I really want to know when you two hooked back up – or did you never stop seeing him?"

"You don't know what you are talking about."

"No, I don't. I guess I also don't know that I was a replacement for him when he dumped you last time? And I will never know if you called him first when our baby died. Was it even OUR baby?"

"THAT IS ENOUGH!" She was LIVID. Apparently Alan had learned to fight nastily.

"Mac, I have to go."

"Alan, are you going to sign the papers?"

"I'll think about it and get back to you," he hung up. Mac wasn't going to hold her breath. She also wasn't going to report this little news flash to Harm, at least not yet. She would talk to Alan again first. That was the best way to go, right?

X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x

Weeks went by – as they have a habit of doing. One night, in mid-September, Harm and Mac's 'nightly phone call' did not end so well.

"Kicked some serious Turner butt today in court." Mac started.

"You love it when you can best him, don't you."

"He is so arrogant. He makes you look humble."

"Wow. That is saying something."

"What about next weekend, are you going to make it back?" she asked.

"Not sure, Kate dumped this huge case in my lap – lots of contracts to sift through. I think she is trying to keep me busy."

"I think she is trying to keep you close to her."

"Jealous?"

"Of a woman – a very sexy woman – who gets to spend everyday with you and give you orders? Why would you think that?"

"You know Kate doesn't do a thing for me."

"I know you dated for a while."

"One dinner - a very long time ago – does not constitute "dating" – and there was a good reason it ended."

"Oh?"

"She hated my cooking," he laughed.

"Bet she has a different story."

"She could have a whole library, I am a one woman man, and you – Ms. Green-Eyed Marine – are it."

She laughed and drew up a silly girly voice. "Oh Harm, you say the sweetest things."

"I'd like to do more than that."

"So you are thinking next weekend is out?"

"Not going to say NO just yet. But between the case load at work, the boys and helping Linda's lawyer -."

The audible gasp was heard on both coasts with or without the phone line. What the hell was Harm doing dealing with Linda or her lawyer? This is news.

"Linda's lawyer?" Mac was immediately rigid and cold.

Harm played it loose. "Yeah. They charged her. I told you."

"You knew they would and no you didn't 'tell me'."

"I thought for sure I had."

"No – for sure – you didn't. When did you decide to join the defense team?"

"Mac, come on."

"Have you spoken to Linda? Seen her?"

"Yeah," he paused. He was backed against the wall now. "Once or twice."

There was brief silence as her anger built. She was waiting for him to continue. When she was sure he was not, "And how is the ex-Mrs. Rabb?"

"Mac, don't go there."

"It is too late now, Harm. You opened this can of worms."

Harm forced his irritation down. "It is nothing. She called and said that she didn't do it and asked for my help. I referred her a lawyer I know and am looking into it a little. It's no big deal." That little tag line was a mistake. He knew it was a big deal or else he would have told her about it before.

"No big deal? Your ex-wife – mother of your children – is going on trial for murder and you say it is no big deal. In fact it is so little a deal you didn't feel the need to tell me about it."

Take the offensive Rabb; a good offense is the best defense. "Was I supposed to ask for your permission?"

"Bad strategy, counselor. You tell me about what the boys ate for breakfast, about the new house, about the boss who flirts with you, but you don't tell about this?"

"I didn't want to burden you with it."

"So you lied to protect me?" She laughed and shook her head. "We have been here before, haven't we?"

"It's really not like that."

"Did you move her into the house too?"

"Mac – come on – stop it. I didn't tell you because I thought it would upset you. I guess I wasn't wrong."

"Be clear about what I am UPSET about. And 'upset' is not the right way to describe what I am feeling. I'm confused and hurt. Not about her, but that you didn't tell me."

"Don't be confused or hurt," he sighed. He was wrong and he knew it. "I'm sorry, it's just that you are dealing with so much of your own stuff: being back at JAG, taking care of Hailey by yourself, going through a divorce -."

"The divorce is stalled," she stated clearly to stop his mealy mouthed defense.

"What?"

"Alan has not signed the papers and is not willing to give me a date when he will."

"Really? And how long have you known about that little land mine?"

"About as long as you and Linda have been on speaking terms again."

"One has nothing to do with the other. You lied to me."

"A lie of omission."

"And mine was?"

"Fine. We were both wrong."

"Can we talk about this?"

"Not right now we can't."

"Sarah, please."

When he called her 'Sarah' her heart melted. She couldn't afford to let it melt. "Goodnight Harm. I'll talk to you tomorrow."

"I don't want this conversation to end like this."

"The conversation is not ended, I am just very tired and need some sleep. We will continue at another time."

"Please, Mac."

"Goodnight, Harm."

After a long moment where he debated whether or not to push the issue, he chose not to. "Goodnight."

She did not wait for their standard sign off; she just hung up.

X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x

As you can imagine, Harm had a lot of frustration built up in him. It was also three hours earlier for him. He thought about working out, running, calling her back. He sat down and spent the next five hours writing her an email – draft after draft until he came up with the following:

To: Sarah Mackenzie mac1397(at)comcast(dot)net

Subject: Last Night

Date: Thursday, September 20, 2008

From: Harmon Rabb TheHammer1224(at)earthlink(dot)net

My Dearest Sarah,

I was very uncomfortable with the way we ended our conversation tonight. Since all we have these days are phones, faxes and e-mails, I don't feel I can let a one 'bad one' go by without addressing it. If you were here, or I was there, we would not have ended our day on such a sour note. Of course, if we were within a hundred miles of each other, there would have been no misunderstandings – no lies of omission. But until then, we have to make do.

When I think to call you - the hundred or so times a day that I do - it is to tell you something good, or nice or funny – or just to hear your voice. There is so much I want to say to you – hear from you. But when we finally get on the phone, most of what I find us discussing seems to add to the burden of the 'time and distance' we live with. The situation with Linda - and after I gave myself time to think about it - Alan, would have more than added to the burden but I should have told you. I am sorry I didn't and I understand why you didn't tell me. Never been good at communicating with you. But I am trying; you have to know that I am really trying.

As I sit here now, I ask myself how in the world are we to balance our two separate lives and still come out together in the end? I say we, because it will take effort on both our sides to work through the big things and not to get caught up in the silly stuff. I will promise you to make that effort for our cause. Will you do the same?

What is our cause, you ask? TBD. I can tell you what I am thinking though.

Let me start by making a few declarative statements that everything else – for me – hinges on. (You would laugh if you saw me right now. Apparently it is not only my tongue that gets tied when it comes to this kind of stuff. Good thing this is e-mail and you will never know how long, or how many drafts I went through to get this much.)

First and foremost, I want us to have a future together. Am I sure what that future will look like or when it will be? No, but I do have some ideas. All I know for sure is that we each have one, and I want me to be in yours, and you to be in mine.

Secondly, my children are a priority in life, as I am sure Hailey is in yours. Please know that I want the same health and happiness for Hailey as I do for my boys. Now comes the 'however.' The children are a priority, **however** they are not the only priority nor are their wants, desires and wishes put above everything else. Our children cannot possibly be happy if we ourselves are not. Would I prefer that there was no uprooting of homes, schools, friends, family for either of us? Would I prefer that there were no ex-spouses to confuse them? Yes, but I also know that the 'normal' home does not ensure a 'normal' childhood or a 'normal' base from which to grow. I also know that while our childhoods were quite different, neither one was ideal, yet we both turned out OK. It took me a little longer to grow up than it did you, but I made it. Our kids will know love regardless of any amount of drama that comes their way; they will turn out OK too.

As for all the changes I have made in my life over the past several months; please know that nothing is irreversible and nothing is set in stone. While I am not biding my time waiting for some unknown date in the future to arrive when all will be free and clear and we can actually discuss what a future for us might look like, I am not ruling it out. I understand you have responsibilities that you need to attend to, as do I. This whole EX business is testing my paper-thin patience, but I will hold it together as long as I know that you want the same thing in the end.

I was asked the other day if I could turn back time, what point would I go back to in my life and restart. I didn't know how to answer. There were so many defining moments: my father's death, the ramp strike, being out on Sydney Harbor with you on a star filled night – to name only a few. I guess the question is moot; we can't go back in time and do it all over again. We can't go back with the foreknowledge of our current history (that is almost poetic). The more I thought about it the more irritated I became. I am who I am today because of those events and the choices I made. If I don't like where I am, I don't want to spend my life looking back regretting, I want to look forward and make better choices into the future. I want to make better choices with you.

I just reread this letter and I can't help but think that it is dry and business like. Hand to God, Sarah, my intention was to tell you that I love you, I miss you, I trust you and I need you. That hanging up in anger or even irritation is not good. To tell you that my bed is cold without you but my dreams are filled with hope for the first time in years. I promise I will not keep things from you – for any reason.

I need to see you. If you will have me, I will be there next weekend, come hell or high water.

I must get some sleep now, and you will be waking up soon. I hope you had pleasant dreams. Have a good day. I will talk to you soon.

My love always,

Harm

X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x

Mac normally didn't check her personal e-mail in the mornings; there were always too many other things to do. But that morning, after the rotten night sleep she had, she had a feeling that she should. Three pieces of spam (wow, only three, the blockers must be working), two notifications from her bank, a funny chain letter from Harriet and one from TheHammer1224 with a subject line of "Last Night". Her first thought was to not open it. He was probably going to blast her for lying to him and pretty close to hanging up on him. She sucked it up and opened it. She read it through once, and then again, and then a third time. It was amazing that even in an e-mail he was still able to say – rather imply – more than the actual words chosen. What was wrong with him that he couldn't just come out and say – in little words – in simple words - what he wanted? She read it one more time.

He wrote "my bed is cold without you but my dreams are filled with hope for the first time in years." How she knew that feeling well.

"I need to see you," she knew that one as well.

She needed to see him too – and a week was too long to wait. She printed it and got a move on.

X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x

That morning, LATE morning, Harm, Kate and three law clerks were in the conference room. It was the only place they could spread out. They were sifting through what looked like three-dozen boxes looking for God knew what. Harm was engrossed in a file, when one of the clerks – one of the male clerks – hit him on the shoulder.

"Hey, Harm," he teased. "Who's the babe in uniform?"

Harm looked up at him confused.

"She must be looking for you - COMMANDER." The clerk nodded to the outer office.

Harm looked up over the pile of boxes and saw Mac talking to the secretary and being directed toward the conference room. He must have checked his e-mail fifteen times that morning hoping for some kind of response. The 'nothing' spoke volumes. He would have called her that night, but what in the world was she doing in his office? He was on his feet immediately – the file completely forgotten.

"Mac, is everything alright?"

"Fine," her eyes were a little cold. "Is there a place we can talk?"

Mac had gone through about seven different kinds of emotions that morning. The whole time she was making the arrangements to get there she never stopped to ask herself if she SHOULD be going. Then when she got on the plane she ran the gambit from anxious, to panic, to happy, to sad, to annoyed, to scared, to nervous. Right now she was mad. Why was she mad? She wasn't really – she just was feeling that way at the moment.

Harm directed her to his office and closed the door. The walls were thin and he had a window that looked out into the main office. There was little or no privacy.

"What the hell is this?" She threw the e-mail at him.

Harm was expecting almost any kind of response but that. He never expected her to fly out and confront him in person. To be honest, if the idea of her flying 3000 miles upon the receipt of that e-mail, he would have thought it would be to wrap her arms around him and say she felt the same way.

"What is the problem, Mac?"

''You are. How dare you send me something like this?"

"Alright, you are going to have to calm down and tell me what you found so damn offensive?"

"Don't you dare take that tone with me, Rabb. I just got off a plane. You owe me an explanation."

"Jeez, Mac. I wrote it in English. I thought you would know all the words. Guess I should have written it in Farsi."

"Stop it."

"Mac, tell me what the problem is."

"It's the same old story with you Harm. The same old issue I have always had with you. You can't just say what is on your mind. You dance around a subject and force everyone else to take the lead. I won't do it. I won't do it now, just like I didn't do it back four – five years ago."

"My God. I poured everything I had into this," he waved in the air. "I thought I was being very clear."

"Clear? You think it was clear?"

"It was in English with full sentences."

"English? That is a laugh. It was in Rabb-speak."

"What are you talking about?"

"Fine – clear? You say it was clear?" She grabbed the paper back from him but clearly didn't need to read from it. "And I quote '_**I was very uncomfortable with the way we ended our conversation tonight**_.' Uncomfortable? What is that? Are you mad at me, mildly irritated, pissed off? What? What is 'uncomfortable'?"

"Are you sure you want to do this? Are you should you want to go through an edit and re-write that letter?" He was becoming very angry.

"I want to know what '_**Our children cannot possibly be happy if we ourselves are not'**_ means. Are you implying that we would be happy – how? When? Are we not happy now? What does that mean? I don't know what that means."

"Now you are just taking a position."

"Position? You want position? How about this; '_**please know that nothing is irreversible and nothing is set in stone**_.' How is that for taking a position - NO WHERE? Nothing is irreversible – with your wife? With me? What? What is not irreversible? That means that nothing has changed. Shouldn't something have changed?"

"That is not what I meant."

"It's what you wrote. For Christ sake, Harm, you are a lawyer. You couldn't write a contract with more holes in it."

"I wasn't trying to write a contract – I wasn't trying to lock you down."

"What were you trying to do? What were you trying to say?"

Harm was just about to open his mouth but she stopped him.

"In plain simple words – so the rest of us can follow along."

"What are you expecting me to say Mac?"

"I have no idea – that is why I am here."

He shook his head.

"No phones, no e-mails, no kids to interrupt us. Just you and me. Say what you have to say."

The gauntlet she threw nearly took out his whole foot. He had to hold himself steady.

"I am here. I am listening."

"What Mac? What?" He was ready to let it all out. "Do you want me to say that I think about you 24 hours a day? That I can't concentrate because you are always on my mind? That every decision I make, I consider you and Hailey as well as my own kids? Do you want me to say that the distance between us is killing me and I live in constant fear that you are going to pull away from me – AGAIN?"

She did not respond but her anger was dissipating. As was said, she really wasn't angry.

He continued unchecked. "Do you want me to say that I want to marry you, raise our children together and maybe have a few more of our own? That I want to grow old with you? Is that what you want to hear?"

"Is that what you want to say?"

"Isn't that what I said?"

"Not in so many words."

"Fine – in so many words – I love you, Sarah MacKenzie. Marry me. Spend your life with me. Be a mother to my children and I will love Hailey as my own. Simple enough for you?" He looked cockily triumphant; guess he didn't realize he just laid all his cards out on the table. There was nothing else to play.

"Was that really so hard?" she smiled. "You couldn't have just said that? That was what? Twenty twenty-five words that said more than what you took all night and ten twelve paragraphs to not say."

He sighed, shook his head and leaned back to sit down on the desk. He wiped his face with his hands. "You are killing me Sarah. Absolutely killing me."

She took a step closer to him. "Why?"

"Every time I tried to bring the subject of marriage up with you, you pushed me away."

"No I didn't."

"Skillfully, decisively and with a ten foot pole."

She actually had and just owned it then.

"I didn't want to push it until I was sure you were ready to hear it."

"Don't you know? That is what ruined it for us so many years ago."

"There were so many things that ruined it for us years ago; I am still amazed that we are here right now. By all rights we should hate each other."

She took another step closer and put her hand on his arm. "I don't hate you, Harm."

"I know," he took her hand.

There was a commotion out in the main office. When they looked, they realized that they had gathered quite an audience.

They were all singing: "_There you see her - Sitting there across the way - She don't got a lot to say -_

_But there's something about her - And you don't know why - But you're dying to try - You wanna kiss the girl_."

Mac laughed. She knew the song well. Harm, however, was not a 'movie buff'. He looked back at her with a confused look on his face.

"The Little Mermaid? You can't tell me you have never seen it."

He shook his head.

The office staff kept singing. "_Yes, you want her - Look at her, you know you do - Possible she wants you too - There is one way to ask her - It don't take a word - Not a single word - Go on and kiss the girl_!"

He heard the last line and laughed. "Are they helping?"

"Guess not, you haven't kissed me yet."

He rectified that little oversight. The applause and cheers were deafening.

"You haven't answered my question," he whispered.

"I don't remember being asked anything."

He pulled back and looked in her eyes. "Will you marry me?"

Her eyes lighted from inside. "Well, I guess we need to talk about that, don't we?" She looked over her shoulder to the staff that was pretending to be back at work. "Can we go someplace a little more private?"


	13. 13

Title: **In A Garden**

Chapter Thirteen

By: LizD

Written: February 2004

Disclaimers: No disrespect to JAG's cast, crew or creators. With love and thanks.

**A Garden – Part 13**

X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x

Mac made her way down the hall of Saint Elizabeth's Regional Medical Center with a fresh cup of coffee in her hand. That was six in as many hours. The Halloween decorations at the nurse's station reminded her that she needed to finish Hailey's costume and the hundred or so other things that were left on hold. Listing out the chores she had left on hold kept her focused and not frantic about the man in the next room.

She had arrived in Lincoln as quickly as she could after she got the call from the FBI. Alan and his partner had been shot during an arrest that went south. When she arrived he was going back into surgery. They couldn't stop the bleeding. Several hours later he survived the second surgery but was still very critical. She had been allowed to see him, but he had no idea that she was there. She couldn't take the beeping of the machines so she took to pacing the halls.

The partner, Jack Quincy, told Mac that Alan and he had gotten a line on James Boulder. He was on the ten most wanted list in Omaha and it would have been a major coup for both Alan and Jack to have caught him and brought him in – hence the reason for no back up. Unfortunately the situation got out of control quickly, Alan was shot in the chest. Jackson was shot twice, in the shoulder and leg, but he would be fine. Then Boulder tried to escape in their car, hit a tree and apparently died of a heart attack at the scene. All in all, it was not a by-the-book arrest. And there would be hell to pay, if Alan lived. But they got their man.

When the listing of chores was done, Mac found herself replaying the conversations she had had with Alan over the past month in her head. He would be mean and nasty and continued to duck the question as to when he would sign the divorce papers. She never saw that jealous side of him before. Her relationship with Harm really brought out Alan's dark side. It was a double standard but Mac kept at him. It was getting to be a semi-weekly phone call, but there was nothing else she could do. She looked down at her left hand at the little diamond that shone there. She was properly motivated to push the divorce through. She felt her tears welling up. Yes, she wanted a divorce from Alan, but she did not want him dead. She had loved him once – and loved him still, in a different way.

"How is he doing?" a woman's voice pulled Mac back to the hallway with the black cats and witches on the walls.

Mac looked up into a very pretty, very young woman's face. The woman was nervous and scared and obviously had been crying.

"The doctors are not saying much."

Mac had never met the woman, but she assumed that she was Alan's latest girlfriend. She had the look that Alan liked: flowy blonde locks, lots of make up, small framed, kind of helpless in a girly sort of way. Mac always wondered why he picked her to marry. She was none of those things.

She looked toward the room where Alan lay. "But they are trying to stay positive."

"Thank you, Mrs. Shea." The girl started to walk away.

Mac was surprised to hear that name. She had never changed her name when she married Alan, and no one had ever called her that.

"Please, call me Mac. And you are?"

The young woman looked back at Mac, confused by her generosity. "I am Shelly, Shelly Pendergrast."

"Shelly, would you like to sit with him?"

"Do you know who I am?" shelly asked.

"I assume that you and Alan are involved."

"We were planning on getting married," her eyed turned cold. "When the divorce is finalized." The snideness in her voice was clear as a bell.

Mac was unsure how she was supposed to respond to that news. Should she tell Shelly that Alan was the one holding up the divorce for reasons of his own? No. There was no need to inflict that kind of mean spiritedness on an innocent child or to speak badly of a man who could be dying.

"Then please, go sit with him." Mac stood and directed her into Alan's room. It was clear that Shelly really did care about him, but then again, in someone that young, love takes hold very quickly and very deeply. Mac remembered the pain of realization when it all ends, she wouldn't wish that on anyone, but it was a part of growing up. She was grateful that she would never feel that depth of loss again – but there were so many other pains that life had to offer with only a few lasting joys.

Mac went back to her pacing the halls and when that got too confining she went outside to walk the grounds.

"Sarah," the voice she had been hoping against hope to hear called to her from the parking lot. "Sarah."

She turned and there he was, headed toward her. She hadn't realized how much she actually needed him until he was right there. She nearly ran into his ready embrace. He wrapped her up tightly and let her use him for support.

After a long moment she pulled back and turned away to wipe her eyes. Harm would not let her go.

"Thank you for coming."

"Got here as soon as I could," he was still dressed in his flight gear. Apparently he pulled a few strings, how typical. "How is he?" he asked.

Mac shook her head. "I don't know. The doctors are not telling me much other than the fact that he is still alive is a good sign," she shivered. She had left her coat in Alan's room and had not wanted to disturb Shelly to get it.

"How are you?" he said draping his flight jacket around her shoulders.

"Better, now that you are here," she leaned back into his embrace, which he welcomed for selfish reasons.

X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x

It was just over a month since they had that interaction at his office where she forced him to propose – at least that is how he looked at it – and then adroitly avoided the answer with a 'we need to talk about that - alone'. The alone part was great. The alone part was more than great.

Mac had left Hailey was with AJ and Meredith. Since Alan had left that last time, it had slowly become a regular thing for Hailey to be with the Chegwiddens. AJ Chegwidden was a great grandfather – rather he was born to be a grandfather or uncle or the godfather that he was to Hailey. Mac was tentative about leaving Hailey with AJ alone at first, preferring when Meredith was there to share the task. Mac still looked at him as her gruff, hardnosed, commanding officer with no 'soft side', time or interest for little girls. It was not true. AJ loved Hailey and had asked, on several occasions, to take her during the day while both Mac and Meredith were at work. It became a regular thing which saved Mac not only money, but also piece of mind. She knew that her daughter was in the care of someone who loved her.

She still felt like she was imposing until she got the: "Colonel, do you believe that I am the kind of man that would allow myself to be taken advantage of?"

"No, sir," she felt herself snapping to attention.

"Then take me at my word."

"Yes, sir."

AJ and Little Miss Hailey had standing dates on Monday, Wednesday and every other Friday. He was not always the best influence on her (taught her some words that the mother wished she didn't know), but they did enjoy each other's company and Hailey was always full of juice when she returned from a day with AJ.

On the morning that Mac received Harm's e-mail, it was one of the every-other Fridays and she asked the admiral to keep Hailey overnight. AJ was privy – through Meredith – of Mac and Harm's re-blooming relationship and the problems that confronted them.

"Overnight colonel?" he barked in his admiral tone. He loved that he could still command respect from a woman he looked on as one of his very dearest friends.

"Yes sir. There is something that I need to take care of and I don't know how long it will take. Not more than fifteen - eighteen hours I should think."

"Will this require leaving town?"

"Yes, sir," Mac got worried that he would not be able to do it. "Is that acceptable, sir?"

"More than, colonel," he smiled. "Take the weekend – resolve your issues. Do I make myself understood?"

"Perfectly, sir."

"Say hello to Rabb for me," he said quickly before he hung up the phone.

So there she was. On a Friday afternoon, free for the whole weekend with a man who had just proposed marriage to her. What was she to do? She did what any red blooded American woman would do who had been waiting for said proposal for – well let's face it – close to thirteen years? She toyed with him. She savored it. She milked it. She made him repeat the question – a number of times. GO MAC!

Harm took Mac directly to the new house. It was somewhat less grandiose than the last one: small and barren of everything other than the bare essentials of furniture.

"This house could use a woman's touch," she said when he carried her over the threshold.

"You can put your hands on anything you want to – as long as I am first."

That was all she wrote – for both of them the future was from that moment to several hours away – and not nothing and not no one was going to keep them from it. The only thing resolved - verbally - in that bed was that the 'visits' – east or west – were going to have to be more regular. That was unanimous.

Dusk came and Harm needed to pick up David and Zander, but he also needed more time alone with Mac. She had yet to answer his question nor had they had a chance to talk about it. He called Mrs. Johnson and asked her to keep the boys late. Not knowing why, but Mrs. Johnson offered to keep them over night. Harm was reluctant, but she assured him that Mariana would be there to help. He looked back at Mac, asleep on the bed and agreed.

He woke her slowly but would not allow her advances.

"We have all night, marine."

"We do?"

"The boys are staying with Mrs. Johnson."

She slid over next to him and was trying to get him 'back in the mood'.

He pulled away and got up. "We need to talk."

"Is this bad?" she cooed at him, disappointed at his distance.

"No. Not bad, but we need to talk. You haven't answered my question and depending upon that answer we may have some other things to discuss."

She sat up and pulled the sheet up around her. "If we are going to talk seriously about this, then I need to be dressed."

He pulled a t-shirt and some shorts from his drawer and tossed them to her. "Can't find my sweatshirt," he said absentmindedly.

She laughed. "It is on the chair in my room."

He looked confused and then realized she had stolen it from him. "I see, next to my ring I suppose," he pulled on some boxers and rejoined her on the bed.

"No, that is safe with me at all times," she tried to kiss him, but he pulled away.

"Sarah."

"Harm, I can't answer that question – not right now – I am not a liberty to give the answer I want to give."

"This is not a court, MacKenzie. There is no one here but you and me. Assume that all other issues can be worked out – what do you say."

"Before I answer we have a few other things to discuss."

"Such as?"

"Are you going to expect me to cook and clean for you?" she grinned.

"You cook? And clean? Are you kidding?"

"Will I have to quit my job?"

"Will you be serious?"

"What about children?"

"Do you mean – are you expected to stay barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen where you – a female – belongs? I think you know me better than that."

She got very serious very quickly. "Do you want more – do your expect to have more?"

"Sarah – please – I don't 'expect' anything at all."

"Do you want to have another child?" she was near tears. It was very difficult for her to bring this subject up.

Harm softened and spoke very gently to her. "Would I like to see you pregnant with our child and to get to know all the changes that your body would go through intimately? Would I want to take care of you and prepare for a child of ours conceived in love? Would I like to experience the birth and the raising of that child with its mother – a woman I love beyond distraction? Simple answer, yes. If for some reason we could not or did not have a child of our own, would I be disappointed?" he thought for a moment. "Yes. Is it a deal breaker? No. Not at all."

She was touched by his honesty and flabbergasted. This is a man who would never use the L word if his life depended upon it, and now you couldn't get him to shut up about it.

"What about you?" he asked carefully.

"I would love to have your baby, to give Hailey a sister or brother, but … I terrified about risking another pregnancy. I cannot say right now if I would be willing to go through that again," her eyes filled with tears, she knew how much this might be hurting him and she was very keen on how much this was hurting her. "And I know that I can't ask you to give up -."

"Hey," he wrapped his arms around her. "Your honesty is all I ask for."

"Harm."

"Sarah, I won't placate you and tell you that nothing like that would or could ever happen again – not to us – not even if I believed that to be true. But, until we are ready – together – as a couple – to have another child, that is when this discussion needs to take place. And not before. It is too soon to discuss this – to soon for you most definitely and way too soon for us."

"So you wouldn't mind if we didn't?"

"I wouldn't mind if we tabled this particular topic and dealt with it at a better time knowing now that the answer could go either way."

She smiled up at him after a moment. "That was the hard one."

"I know," he kissed her forehead.

"Living arrangements."

"That is a big hurdle for us."

"A three thousand mile hurdle."

"So do I move east – or you west – or do we pick a neutral location and start again?"

"San Diego is nice," she admitted.

"Virginia has its advantages," he countered.

"I could ask for a transfer but we don't have to set up housekeeping, do we?"

That comment stunned Harm. He was not even considering that they not live together. "Oh, I see."

"Harm, don't take that wrong."

"How could I take it right?"

"I just think - ."

"You want to uproot one family so that we could live near each other so we can 'date' after all this time."

"You see that is the problem – it always was the problem – it was all or nothing with you."

"You too."

"I don't remember it that way."

"I am sure you don't remember a lot about what I saw back then."

"I don't want to fight about this."

"I don't either – I particularly don't want to fight about what happened a life time ago."

"You won't consider it?"

"You want me to consider moving my boys back to Virginia, finding a job and having dates with you on Friday nights? Nice, safe, Friday night dates? Dinner and a movie, home by 11:30?"

"I wasn't thinking - ."

"No, clearly not."

"You can lose that attitude, sailor!" she snapped.

"Mac, I asked you to marry me and you are suggesting that we can date?"

"Harm."

"No, no – honey. We are way past that. You need to answer the question and we will work out the details when you say 'yes' - not the other way around."

She sighed again. "I am not a liberty to answer that question."

He ran his tongue over his teeth; he was becoming annoyed. "You blasted me for being unclear and not stating my true feelings – so what exactly are you doing?"

"I am still married."

"Are you? Are you really? Are you still in love with your husband? Are you still holding out hope that the two of you can work it out? Am I just an itch that you had to scratch from the years of flirting we did? Are you just biding your time until the real thing comes a long?"

"Harm – stop it. I am not a liberty to answer that question the way I want to. If I said yes, what would be different?"

"Any number of things – most importantly I would know how you feel about me and what your intentions are."

"I love you – haven't I made that clear?"

"Apparently not."

"I can't ask you to wait until I don't know when."

"Do you honestly think if Alan drags this out for six months or a year or longer that I would lose interest?"

"I don't know."

"Would you?"

"No."

"Answer the question, Sarah."

"Harm we can't live together while I have this thing hanging over my head. So what difference does it make?"

"It makes a world of difference to me. Will you or will you not marry me? Yes or no."

She looked at him. He was serious. He wanted an answer and he wanted it then. She could brook no argument. "Yes."

X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x

Hours later, sitting in the hallway of the hospital, Harm asked gently, "When was the last time you ate anything?"

"I'm not hungry."

"That was not my question."

"I just need some coffee."

"You've had too much coffee – you are about to jump out of your skin."

The doctor approached.

"Colonel MacKenzie?"

They stood immediately. "He is awake now, but very weak. He is asking for you."

"Alright."

"Please don't stress him too much."

Mac agreed and went into the room. Harm looked over at Shelly. Mac had told him about her and he kept his comments to himself. He did feel sorry for the poor girl.

In the room Mac was standing next to him so he could see her face.

"Alan?" he looked like he was asleep.

He looked up at her and tried to smile. "Hi."

"The doctors think you will be just fine. But you need your rest."

He nodded and moved his hand over to take hers. "Sorry," he was able to squeak out.

"No, please. Just rest and get your strength back."

"Hailey?"

"She's fine – home with AJ and Meredith. She misses you, and she wants to see you – as soon as you are better."

His fingers found the ring on her hand and he let go. Mac's face washed with sadness, she had meant to take it off before she saw him.

"You happy?" he asked.

"When you are better, I will be happy."

"Happy with him?"

Mac nodded.

"Rabb here?" he asked.

Mac nodded.

"See him."

Mac shook her head 'no'.

"I want to see him."

She relented when he looked agitated at her 'no'.

She waved through the window for Harm to come in. He did reluctantly.

Alan lifted his hand to Harm. "Alan Shea," he said with as much strength as he could muster.

"Harmon Rabb," he said taking the man's hand.

"Take care of her."

"As much as she will let me," Harm answered.

Alan smiled. He knew how difficult Mac could be sometimes – how independent and headstrong. He nodded and released Harm's hand.

"Sleep now." Alan closed his eyes and Harm left. Mac stayed with him a little longer until the nurse suggested that she wait outside.

X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x

Harm went home that afternoon. Mac stayed another day until she was sure that Alan was on the road to recovery. They didn't talk much; Mac gave most of the visitor time to Shelly.

A week later, Mac got the divorce papers in the mail. Signed, sealed and delivered. She was free.


	14. 14

Title: **In A Garden**

Chapter Fourteen

By: LizD

Written: February 2004

Disclaimers: No disrespect to JAG's cast, crew or creators. With love and thanks.

**A Garden – Part 14**

X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x

"Hey man, is that your lady?"

Harm looked up to see Thomas, the newest intern, holding a bunch of files in one hand and Mac's picture in the other. Thomas was an anomaly. He was a WASP … blonde, blue and rich as the silver rolls he drove to work. Clearly spoiled by family cash, but he was smart – brilliant in fact. He was working on his third post graduate degree at 26; the first two being mathematics and fine arts. His next plan was to be a lawyer. The weirdest anomaly was that he dressed, moved and talked like an 18 black kid from the inner city … well more like what an 18 year old African American from the inner city would talk like on TV written by an old white man. He was only there for the semester and was working twice as hard as most of the paid employees.

"How did some ol' dawg like you get this fine piece of --."

"Careful Thomas, she is my fiancée," Harm hadn't got used to being treated without the due military respect by underlings. His weekend reserve duty refreshed for him how much he enjoyed being an officer.

"Man, she is fine. And I mean F-I-N-E!"

"Did you need something Thomas?"

"Yeah, man. KM wants these signed," he handed over the files. "So you gonna tie this lady down, huh?"

"Hmm Hmm," Harm was trying not to listen.

Thomas picked up another picture on his desk. It was the five of them at the boys' birthday party. "You two just making it legal now – after all these?"

"The boys are mine and the little girl is hers," he said absentmindedly as he was hurriedly signing the files.

"You sure? Brother, that girl's got your eyes. And that dopey grin you got."

Harm looked up and took the picture from him and looked at Hailey. He had always thought that Hailey was the spitting image of her mother, but now that he looked at her next to him, she did look an awful lot like her father. And as was said before, Harm and Alan could have been brothers – twin brothers.

"She looks like her mother to me," he denied the resemblance and replaced the picture on his desk.

"Going for round two with the death-do-you-part thing?"

"Two? More like a thousand and two," Harm said under his breath.

"Or at least until your next episode of Divorce Court," Thomas grinned at him. "When is the big day?"

"Haven't set a date."

"What you waiting for, man?"

"Her divorce."

"You a home wrecker? Who'd a guessed?"

Harm glared at him.

"Where did you two hook up?"

"We used to work together."

"Ah – little office booty. That's what I am talking about – late nights – flamin' that midnight oil – givin' new meaning to 'replacing the toner' –."

"Hey," Harm had had enough.

"What? Just us guys here. Is that when her old man found out?"

"We didn't – it wasn't. It was a long time ago. Before she was married. She's a marine colonel and I was a navy commander – we worked in the same office. We were friends."

"Friends?" Thomas got a wide grin on his face. "Oh, I get it. Don't ask; don't tell. Didn't want the higher ups to catch wind of the combat boo---."

"No," Harm looked up at him. "We were friends."

"Not love at first sight?"

"There were complicating factors."

"Oh, like the Ex's?"

"Neither one of us was married back then."

"BACK THEN? Jeez man – make it sound like a decade or better."

"I have known her since – well – January 1997."

"Twelve years? Damn that's a long time to be friends with her," he held the picture of her up.

Harm felt that he needed to explain just to shut him up. "We worked together for almost eight years – we were friends – we were more than friends – BUT NOT THAT MUCH MORE – it was never the right time – other relationships – other . . . things got in the way."

"Other things got in the way," Thomas repeated. "You worked together for eight years?"

"Seven and a half."

"Never once did the --."

"No."

"Did you want to?"

"Thomas."

"Just checking to see which way your wind was blowing," he smiled. "And now it's four years later."

"Math does seem to be your strong suit," Harm said sharply.

"What happened in the four years?"

Harm picked up the picture and pointed to the kids.

"But you kept in touch – being such GOOD FRIENDS and all."

"Actually no. I didn't see her again until last – well six eight months ago."

"MONTHS? Six or Eight MONTHS?"

"What?"

"Nothing," Thomas was thinking something. "How come I don't see her around much?"

"She lives in Virginia."

"VIRGINIA! That's some serious frequent flyer miles."

"I'm a pilot," Harm added, "We'll move."

Thomas laughed. "I should hope so."

"Thomas – don't you have something else to do?"

"Waiting on those files."

"Wait quietly."

There was a silence for a moment until Thomas couldn't stay quiet any longer. "I'm sorry, man. I am thinking there is more to the story."

"Such as?"

"Well you don't 'know' someone – a FRIEND – for eight years, walk away for four and then get married just like that – when she still has a husband - and you two ain't even living in the same time zone. I am thinking there is some serious history here – history that ain't so FRIENDLY."

"Thomas," he warned.

"I am thinking you had a hot and heavy thing – it got too hot and you both had to step back and let it cool off."

"I told you -."

"Yeah, 'we were friends'. I heard that," Thomas laughed. "Just cause you didn't DO the nasty – don't mean it wasn't too hot to handle. I'll bet you two went at it like a couple of alley cats – lots of noise, fur flying everywhere taking a few bloody chunks and leaving a shit load of scars."

"Very graphic."

"I bet you never finished that fight – maybe that's worth swapping left coast for right. **DING** Round two … or a thousand on two," he shook his head. "One problem."

"Enlighten me."

"Cats is cats brother – unless one of you has been fixed – it ain't over and nothing says that this round will end any different – it might be worse. Cause after you make it all nice and legal like – it won't be that easy to walk away – not with that litter of kittens."

Harm studied him for a moment.

"I am just saying, man. I seen this kind of thing before."

"It is not like that," Harm protested.

"You don't up-n-diss someone for four years and then turn around and marry 'em."

"Even when you're in love?"

"That is not love, that there is lust – unfinished lust. And you can convince yourself anything when there is three time zones between you, but get in the same room? 24/7? Fur will start flying. And you can take that to the bank."

The phone rang ending Thomas's lecture on relationships. Harm handed him back the files and nodded toward the door and picked up the phone. "Rabb."

"Hey, sailor," Mac's voice floated through the lines. "Got any plans for the weekend?"

"I do," he leaned forward to adjust the pictures that Thomas had rearranged.

"Oh really?"

"There is lady I know who is celebrating a very special day and she invited me for the weekend."

"The weekend, huh?" she said playfully.

"Uh huh."

"This lady – is she important to you?"

"I'd say she has captured a piece of my heart."

"Just a piece?"

"Gave the rest of it to her mother," Harm looked up. "OH MY GOD."

"What?" Mac asked.

"You will never guess who just walked into my office."

"Turner. I told you he was going to be out there for an investigation."

Harm stood and shook his friend's hand. "How are you, buddy? Looking well."

"You too. Is that Mac?" asked Sturgis.

Harm nodded. "Honey, let me go. I'll call you back later."

"I'll see you this weekend."

"You will. Bye"

"Harm?" She cooed.

"Yeah."

"I love you," he heard the smile in her voice. She was trying to force him to say it in front of Sturgis.

"Yeah – me too."

"Love yourself? Egomaniac," she laughed.

"I'll call you later," he smiled and hung up.

X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x

Harm and Sturgis were having lunch. They got all the old stuff – work, family, old stories – out of the way before they started on the new stuff.

"So, you and Mac."

"Yeah," Harm nodded.

"Some things don't change."

That was the wrong thing to say. Harm was still a little shaken by Thomas's comments. "What do you mean?"

"Nothing," Sturgis said defensively. "It's just that – you two always had something between you."

"Do you think it is strange?"

"What?"

"I don't know. It never worked out for us when we were back at JAG."

"I know."

Harm took a deep breath before he continued. "Don't you think it's strange that we would run into each other four years later when we were both in the process of getting divorces, and within six months we are engaged?"

"Considering you live three thousand miles apart."

"Exactly. Is that strange?"

"Not sure if 'strange' is what I would call it," Sturgis thought for a moment and decided not to enter into the debate. "Who am I to say?"

"Come on, Sturgis. You're my friend; you're Mac's friend. You knew us then and you know us now. Who better to act as objective observer?"

Sturgis hemmed and hawed a little before he answered. "I guess – yes – it does seem a little quick. But again – who am I to say? You two know best. Hell, you were always telling me to butt out."

"This time I am asking."

"There was always something chemical about you two – I suppose time and life changes don't have to take that away. It would make sense that when you met again you would feel the same attraction."

"That is true. We picked up right where we left off."

"That's good – what you couldn't figure out then – you figured out now. You dealt with the old issues and moved on – forgive and forget. So – I don't think six months is too short."

Harm felt a pain in his gut. "What if we haven't?"

"Haven't what?"

"Dealt with the old stuff."

"You mean you two haven't talked about what ended your relationship?"

"A little – not much. She is writing all the stuff that happened off to bad timing."

"Bad timing?" He looked disappointed and shook his head. "You two will never change."

"Why do you say that?"

"You don't deal with anything head on. You walk around it until it either takes care of itself or you get so used to it you forget that it was ever not there."

"Is that true?"

"Then usually one of you trips over it and the other walks away."

"What does that mean?"

"For example – Brimbet, Bramble, Brombol?"

"Brumby? Mic Brumby?"

"Yeah, that happened just before I got there. You two were impossible to be around – snapping and hissing at each other like a couple of - - - ."

"Cats?"

"Exactly, like a couple of cats. Then all of a sudden - nothing. The switch was thrown and you were fine. Next thing we know Mac is in Paraguay with Webb and you were a crazy man chasing her down."

"Saving her life."

"But you came back not on speaking terms. Doesn't the hero usually get the girl?"

"Not that time."

"Then you were gone. Like I said – to the rest of us you two were working your issues out and coming along fine. You never stepped up and then you tripped over another one of Mac's men and you ran away."

"There was a little more to it than that."

"I am sure there was. I am sure there was a ton of stuff that happened that I have no knowledge of – and there are a few things that I know that you don't."

"Such as?"

"Not breaking a confidence – even now."

"Sturgis."

"Look, Harm. If you have come this far with her – I say you stick it out and make it work."

"What if it was never meant to be? And we are just reacting to the bad place we are right now. Getting into an old relationship is much easier than starting a new one."

"You are over analyzing this. But --."

"But what?"

"Do you have to get married right away?"

"No – I suppose not. She is still waiting for her husband to sign the papers."

"And you have this court case with Linda."

"Yeah."

"So you are not making any move right now – you've got a little time."

"True."

"It is too bad you can't at least live in the same state and get used to each other again."

"Same state? You mean move so we can date?"

"Not a bad idea. Making all those changes at once is going to be tough."

"Changes?"

"Say you move east or she moves west (better for you, but not necessarily the best move) – you have to adjust to living with her, her daughter, the kids have to acclimate, new babysitters, new job etc. All that when you are starting a marriage. It is a lot in one fell swoop."

"It is."

"Whereas if you lived closer you could maintain pretty much what you have now only more of it. Get used to each other again, maybe work through some of the old issues and take the next step when you are ready."

"One way to go," Harm was thinking that Mac had suggested that and he dismissed it out of hand. For the life of him he could not remember why he dismissed that idea.

"It is moot right now anyway. She is not free to get married and you have this thing with Linda."

"That is going to be long and ugly."

"What is going on?" Sturgis asked.

"Her lawyer."

"I thought he was a friend of yours."

"I know him, would not call him a friend. He is running the defense all wrong. He has thrown everything but the kitchen sink at the judge to get this thing continued."

"When is the trial date?"

"December first."

"What is the defense strategy?"

"Temporary insanity with mitigating factors – she was abusing prescription medication. She nearly OD'd the night that Lawson was killed," Harm was clearly not happy with that strategy.

"You don't think that is the best way to go."

"I don't think she did it."

"Why not?"

"For one, she said she didn't do it."

"She is not the most reliable witness."

"Granted, but the physical evidence does not add up. Her tox screen indicates that she would have been incapable of pulling the trigger much less picking up a gun. She says that she remembers coming home from court, fighting with her father and taking a double dose of sleeping pills – should have kept her down until Tuesday. If she is right – that would have been in the afternoon. Lawson was killed between 2300 and 0400. What happened in the mean time? And there are other things."

"Such as?"

"Walter was found the next morning. Where was the girlfriend? No one heard anything – the maid lives in the back, the gardener? I find it hard to believe that they were alone in the house all night. Not to mention that the stuff that is coming out about Lawson's financial dealings – hell he probably had a ton of people that would have liked to have seen him dead."

"Did the prosecution pursue any other leads?"

"I don't think so. Linda confessed."

"Is it admissible?"

"No, but they have built a case."

"On what?"

"Other circumstantial evidence. Linda's fingerprints were on the gun. She had blood on her clothes. She admits to hating her father and fighting with him."

"What were they fighting about?"

"On that night it was the boys. Lawson was trying to get custody. Linda tells me now that it was not her idea and she didn't want them."

"Do you believe her?"

"I don't know. She never actually told me that she wanted custody of the boys, it all came through her father."

"So she could be telling the truth," Sturgis offered.

"There is always a first time."

"Have you talked to her lawyer?"

"Repeatedly. He won't listen. He wants her out of jail. He's a – well -," Harm was hiding something.

"What?"

"He should recuse himself," Harm didn't want to say it out loud. "He fell in love with her – well he thinks he is anyway."

"Did he tell you that?"

"No, she did."

"She's not trying to make you jealous?"

"Maybe, but I don't think so."

"You don't think she killed her father?"

"No, but not because of anything she said or anything I know about her. This is strictly based on the facts of the case. If this were handled properly, that would be enough reasonable doubt."

"What are you going to do?"

"Nothing I can do. I am not involved in this. I am an observer and a witness for the prosecution."

"But you will do something." Sturgis knew his friend well.

Harm sighed. "I have to."

"Hero Rabb is not dead."

"Guess not."

"What is Mac going to say?"

"I'll find out this weekend," Harm smiled sheepishly at his friend. "I thought I would ask for her help."

Sturgis laughed. "You are going to ask your fiancée to help you to get your ex-wife acquitted of murder?"

"Is that a bad idea?"


	15. 15

Title: **In A Garden**

Chapter Fifteen

By: LizD

Written: February 2004

Disclaimers: No disrespect to JAG's cast, crew or creators. With love and thanks.

**A Garden – Part 15**

X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x

Mac was waiting – none to patiently – outside the admiral's office. She had requested leave for both Thursday and Friday, but the admiral scheduled a meeting with her Thursday at 1000. Harm and the boys were coming in for the weekend and she had to get ready for them as well as Hailey's birthday party. The party was actually at AJ and Meredith's house, but Mac still had a lot to do. She was more anxious about the OTHER events that needed attending that weekend than she was about the party. She needed to find time alone with Harm to tell him about the divorce being finalized, which meant that they could talk about their future and make some real plans. She shouldn't be, but she was more than a little nervous. It was all becoming very real, but his confidence calmed her fears. His confidence had always calmed her fears. If he was sure, she was sure.

Finally Mac was called in, and stood at attention in front of the admiral's desk. Jennifer Coates referred to her to as the 'dragon lady;' Mac had to agree. She had served under Strickland for three months and the woman never warmed up and rarely – if ever – gave the 'at ease' command with her – heck with most of the women on staff.

"Colonel, I need to be blunt with you."

"Yes, ma'am."

"You don't seem to be happy here."

"Has my work been below standard?"

"No, your work is fine, better than fine, it is exemplary. It is your attitude."

"Ma'am?"

"You come to work on time, you work your day and you go home. I don't see you enjoying your co-workers, you have no drive and take little initiative."

Mac would have argued with her; she had plenty of both and she enjoyed her co-workers very much. It was the admiral – who was locked up in her office all day and couldn't possibly know what Mac's work habits were like – that she didn't like.

"Were you this unhappy on your last tour through JAG? Is that why you transferred out?"

"Ma'am, I don't understand the question."

"Well, if you were happy before and not now, the only assumption I can draw is that it is due to me."

"Ma'am, with all due respect, if I am giving off signals that I am unhappy here, it could only be due to the kind of work I am being assigned."

"The cases are too demeaning for you?"

"No, ma'am, all cases are important. However the distribution of the various types of cases does not appear to be equal."

"I am trying to honor your request."

"My request, ma'am?"

"Your request for latitude in your schedule so that you could be home with your daughter. Any of the demanding – high profile cases – would require longer hours."

"Yes, ma'am." Mac felt like she was getting baited and being punished for being a mother who wanted to spend time with her daughter.

"I understand that you have formed an engagement."

Mac was annoyed. This woman had not right to talk about her personal life. "Yes, ma'am."

"With someone who was formerly assigned to JAG HQ and currently in Navy Reserve in San Diego, yes?"

"Yes, ma'am."

"It must be very difficult to have a relationship with so much distance between you – but that is the military life."

"Yes, ma'am."

"I find myself in a position to help you and kill two of my own birds with one stone – as it were."

"Ma'am?"

"I have put through transfer papers for Commander Roberts. He will report here the first of December. He has done an outstanding job at Pendleton and this office could use a man with that kind of drive and initiative."

Mac took the slam as it was intended but never broke her attention.

"That leaves his position in San Diego, open. Perfect for you."

"Yes, ma'am." Mac knew that Admiral C Wendy Strickland was not putting through this transfer out of any kind of desire to help Mac. She was trying to get rid of her.

"Maybe you will find San Diego more to your liking."

"Yes, ma'am."

The admiral nodded. She was looking for a reaction from Mac that she was not getting.

"Would that be acceptable, colonel?"

"I serve at the pleasure of the navy and the marines, ma'am. Wherever I am needed."

The admiral was not pleased with the response but waited a moment before continuing. "What is your pleasure? Clearly you don't want to be here."

Mac was silent. There was no way to answer that question and show the respect she must to the admiral.

"Maybe San Diego isn't the best use of your skills either – or your first choice in spite of your personal engagement."

The admiral got up from behind her desk and walked behind Mac. Mac did not move.

"There is another position that has come to my attention that might be of interest. It would provide you with a greater challenge during a nine-to-five workday and is right here in Washington. In fact it is at the Pentagon in Foreign Ops. You would be working as a special assistant to General George Weston. You are familiar with General Weston, are you not?"

"But reputation only, yes ma'am. He is a fine officer."

"He is familiar with you. In fact he requested you. He needs someone with your skills."

"Ma'am?"

"A lawyer with combat experience and knowledge of the culture in the middle east … of course you couldn't throw a rock at JAG without hitting at least two or three people who meet that criteria … but he requested you."

"Yes ma'am."

"There is one thing. The position he has open is for a colonel – a full bird colonel if you will."

"Ma'am?"

"The job would require a promotion in rank. I am willing to sign the orders, if that is what you want."

"Thank you, ma'am."

"Looks like you have a decision to make colonel – your personal life or your professional one. Please, take your two days leave and the weekend. I'll expect your answer at 0900 Monday morning. Dismissed."

X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x

Flying commercially was a lousy experience for anyone; flying with twin two-year old boys was a nightmare for the parent and for other passengers. David and Alexander Rabb were impossible – at least in their father's eyes. They never sat still and would not listen: laughing, talking loudly and disturbing other passengers. He was hoping they would sleep – but those days were over. They had never behaved this badly before anywhere and never on a plane. Clearly they were testing him, and he felt like he was failing the test.

They probably weren't as bad as he thought they were, but he was distracted and frustrated about what the next days would bring. Yes, there was Hailey's party and the first time he would see Admiral Chegwidden et al again now that he and Mac were involved. Not to mention the serious conversation he needed to have with her about their past and their future. That little tête-à-tête with Thomas and then with Sturgis left him a little confused. He was worried that they were brushing too much under the rug. Part of forgiving and forgetting was knowing what to forgive and forget and to own that portion of it which belongs with you. He was anxious to get it all out, but he was also relieved that they would not have to answer all the questions about their future that weekend. Mac was still not divorced – so the move (east or west) and all the other details could still be left on hold. The other potential bomb was the subject of Linda – rather Linda's case. That would have to be handled very delicately.

On the way off the plane one of the flight attendant stopped him.

"Sir, you have the patience of a saint and your boys were actually not as badly behaved as I have seen," she flashed a bright smile at him. "Where is their mother?"

Harm smiled back. "Divorced." To which the attendant's smile broadened. He could still attract a pretty woman even at his age with two kids. There were other fish in the sea – fish without so much baggage. Good to know. "Thank you," was all he said.

X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x

It was late when they arrived at Mac's house. The first hour and a half was a whirlwind. Mac had kept Hailey up to greet them but she was getting a little over tired and excited about her birthday. The boys were still three hours ahead, but they had worked themselves up into such a lather on the plane they were willing to settle down when Hailey did. Finally the house was quiet.

Harm was on the porch looking out into the crisp late fall evening. This time it felt different to be at her house. He looked at everything with a very critical eye – an eye on the future – a shared future. Could the five of them live in that house? Was there enough room? Would she be willing to make adjustments? Did he really want to deal with the Washington life again? San Diego was his home, and he liked being back there. However with the fall out from Lawson's death, wouldn't it be better for the boys if they were away from all that as they grew up? What about living together? Vacations were one thing, but 24/7 was another thing entirely. Taking on a wife and daughter was a huge undertaking, but no more than taking on a husband and two sons. This would be a huge adjustment for them – all of them. Would he act as father to Hailey? How would Alan feel about that? How would Mac or Hailey feel about that? What was different about being a step-father than being a father? He wanted Mac to take on the role of mother to his sons, but what would happen in the years to come when the boys asked about their biological mother? Would Linda want a role in their lives? Would that hurt Mac? And then there was all that OLD stuff to deal with. What was it again – all that OLD stuff – what were their issues?

Mac joined him pulling him from his questions. She folded into his ready embrace.

Mac had been distracted all day. Her life was about to change immeasurably. The decision about which job to take hinged greatly on the discussion she and Harm had about their future. She could not make the decision alone. It would all be decided that weekend. But what to bring up first? And did she know where her heart really lay? Did she have an agenda? Was she really open minded? Would she really be satisfied sacrificing her career for the good of this new family unit? Harm would be fair and open-minded. The man had an ego but he was always fair. She shook herself to stop her mind from spinning out of control.

"How are you?" she asked.

"Better now," he squeezed her tighter. "Have I told you how much I hate to fly?"

Mac laughed. "Only when you are not at the controls."

"I do like to call the shots and not just in the air," he leaned down to kiss her.

She paused before bringing her lips to his. "Need a good co-pilot?"

"I have the best," he followed through with the kiss.

They stayed comfortably in each other's arms for a long while just watching the night sky.

"Got a couple of dead trees out there that need to come down," he said more to himself than to her.

"Do you only see the 'honey do' list when you are here? Can't you just enjoy?" she was not critical so much as she was – well – critical. She had gone out of her way to make the house ready for him and he only found the faults – the trees were the last of the short list he had already compiled.

"Just an observation."

"You are observing ways to make my house more acceptable."

"I am observing ways I can help you."

"Let me tell you how you can help me," she turned to face him; her eyes flamed with desire. She was just about to kiss him when:

"Daddy!" David's voice called from the bedroom.

Harm closed his eyes with resign and frustration. He was tired and just wanted a few quiet moments with Sarah.

"Daddy!"

"Should I go?" Mac asked.

The offer was genuine and touched him. No one had ever offered to calm his sons' night fears. It was something a mother would do. Mac continued to meet and exceed his desire in a mother, wife and lover. "No, I'll take care of this."

He was back in two minutes. Mac had stayed on the porch. He came up behind her and wrapped his arms around her waist.

"Hey, beautiful."

She leaned back into him as he kissed her neck.

"They won't disturb us again tonight."

"Did you tie them up?"

"Told them they would be on the next plane home if they didn't go to sleep."

"An empty threat is not a good parenting technique."

"Who says it was empty? I would drive them to the airport myself, buy their tickets and watch the plane take off," he laughed.

"Harm."

"I need some time with my lady," he turned her in his arms and pulled her completely to him. "When we are like this-."

"Yeah, I know," she kissed him.

He continued undaunted. "When we are together like this: you in my arms, kids asleep in the other room and the day finally wound down, no one demanding anything from me and I get to focus – on you – what I can give to you – it all makes sense."

Mac stayed quiet for a moment loving the idea that he was happy, but summoning up her courage to ask her question anyway. "Do you find yourself confused sometimes?"

"I find that I have questions that I don't know the answers to."

"Like what kind of questions?"

"Like why us? Why now? Why not then? What is different? And -," he paused to fully understand the depth of his concern.

"And?"

"And is it different enough now without being too different?"

"What does that mean?"

He shook his head. "I don't know. Look, you must be tired. I know I am whipped. Let's talk about this at another time."

"Will we?" she looked up at him concerned that this will just be another half conversation that would get swept under the rug and ignored. "Will we talk about it at another time?"

"Count on it," he kissed her and led her to the bedroom. He had enough energy to make love, but not enough to think about what was confusing him. All he knew for sure was that he was exactly where he wanted to be and she was satisfied with that.

X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x

The next morning Harm was up early making pancakes for the birthday girl. He let Mac sleep. When she walked into the kitchen it was full of balloons and a banner that must have been hand made by David and Zander that wished Hailey a "Happy Birthday." Hailey had on a princess hat and was sitting at the head of the table. It was quite the party.

"Morning, sweetie," she leaned down to kiss her daughter. "Happy Birthday."

The kids went off about the hat, the banner and the balloons. Hailey was thrilled that Zander and David had made such an effort. She really was acting like the princess.

Mac took the offered cup of coffee from Harm and they exchanged a quick kiss.

"Why didn't you wake me?" she asked.

"You were sleeping so peacefully and this was our time – the boys' time. They wanted to start her day off right."

"You have very special children."

He smiled at them over the pan of pancakes and nodded. He did.

Chloe came waltzing in. She was now living on campus but came by regularly. It was her home away from home. The children screamed with joy at her arrival. She had presents for all of them. The day was off and running.

X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x

The party at the admiral's house was wonderful: more adults than children, but enough kids to keep Hailey happy. Harm and the admiral talked like old friends. AJ was impressed with Harm's boys and told him that he was doing a wonderful job. Harm was a little jealous of how familiar AJ was with Mac and Hailey. He felt like a guest. He was a guest. AJ brought up the trial and what was going on with that, Mac came in on the middle of the conversation.

"Trial date is December first." Harm said.

"That's soon." Mac replied.

Harm held her look. "I am not impressed with the defense strategy." Harm said to both of them, but more to Mac.

"Temporary insanity?" AJ confirmed.

Harm nodded.

"Won't that give her the best chance to stay out of jail and get her the help that she needs?" Mac asked.

"Maybe." Harm looked away.

"Why maybe?"

"Maybe she is not guilty."

AJ took that as his cue. He made some excuse and went off after Hailey.

"Do you think she is innocent?"

"We have talked about this Mac. I don't think an insanity plea is the best course of action."

"We have talked about this – but I didn't know you thought she was innocent."

"Never said she was innocent and I don't have a strong opinion -."

"It seems pretty strong."

"I don't have a strong opinion about her guilt or innocence, just the defense strategy. I actually wanted to talk with you about it some time this weekend."

"We have a lot to talk about this weekend."

"What are you guys talking about?" Chloe interrupted.

"Talking about talking," Mac snarled. "But will anything actually get said," she walked off leaving Harm frustrated and Chloe rather pleased with her self.

"Hmm," she started.

"Don't, Chloe. Just don't."

"Ya know what Harm? I got twenty bucks that says you will screw this up."

"What?"

"The whole kit and caboodle."

"Your faith in me is reassuring."

"Gonna take that bet?"

"I am not going to bet with you about anything. This is serious and if I do 'screw this up' more people than me are going to be hurt. So keep your bet, keep your money and keep your snide remarks to yourself."

He followed after Mac. They met up in the back by the rose garden.

"Mac," he called to her. "Sarah, please."

She turned and looked as if nothing were wrong. "What?"

"Please don't be angry with me."

"I'm not, why should I be?"

"Mac."

"Everything is fine," she lied.

"No, it isn't. You have something on your mind and I know I do."

"What do you have on your mind?"

"Can we discuss this here?"

"Probably not – but you are going to need to say something now that you opened that door."

Harm thought for a moment. "I am worried that I am going to screw this up," he slumped down onto the bench, annoyed with him self for validating Chloe's comment.

"Screw what up?"

"You and me – us – this whole thing."

She slowly sat down with him. "Why?"

"Some things are moving too fast and others not fast enough."

"Actually I think everything is moving too fast."

Harm took that as a slap. He took it to mean that she thought they were moving to fast and wanted to put a hold on this whole Harm-and-Mac experiment they were trying again. If they were stop right there, he would have had to change his prediction to say that they would not make it through the weekend. "I see," he said.

"No, actually I don't think you do," she said cryptically.

"What are we talking about?"

"You were right, we can't talk about this here. But we have to deal with this – with all of this – soon. Tonight."

X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x

Harm was very attentive to her for the remainder of the day, but there was something between them. No one picked up on it; in fact most people thought that they looked perfect together. They put the kids to bed and shared a quiet dinner talking about the day and nothing else. The tension started to build. The dishes were washed and put away. There was nothing stopping them from their conversation.

Mac went to change into sweats and Harm stayed in the living room. When she came back she looked ready for business.

"So," she started. "I have a few items for the agenda."

"Should I be taking notes?" he tried to joke but it did not go over.

"First – I have received the papers from Alan. I got them Monday. Surprise," she looked sad when she said it. She had wanted to tell him in a sweeter way, hoping that it would be a joyous moment for the two of them to share.

"Good," he said and looked down. Now was his perfect opportunity to re-propose to her and make it very romantic. "Do you still want to marry me?" Not quite the re-proposal she had in mind, but Harm is nothing if not clumsy.

It was nearly two months since he asked her the question the first time. Two months since she forced the question. Her answer would put much of their consternation about the status of their relationship aside. They could each focus on the present with a mind on the future. Nothing would happen immediately and that was good. Mac looked down at the ring and remembered when he had given it to her.

x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x

"Will you or will you not marry me?"

She stayed silent.

"Yes or no," he demanded.

"Yes," she said more easily than she had expected.

Harm was still standing on the other side of the room. His legs felt like rubber. She had expected him to come to her, kiss her and they would make love again. They had all night. That is not what happened.

"Yes?" he needed confirmation.

"Yes, yes I will marry you."

"You're serious. When you are free, you will marry me?"

"Yes."

"To have and to hold, now and forever?"

"Yes." Now Mac was getting concerned. Why was he questioning her answer?

"Love, honor and cherish?"

"Is there something wrong? Were you expecting me to say no?"

"I wasn't expecting you to say 'yes.'"

"What were you expecting?"

"I don't know. I have never asked anyone to marry me before and to be quite honest I hadn't given the actual proposal and response much thought."

"It is pretty straight forward."

"Is it?"

"No," she laughed. "I guess it isn't. I guess I kind of backed you into a corner."

"You forced me to propose."

She thought about it for a moment. "I guess I did," she looked back up into his face.

"You forced me to propose when you didn't know the answer you wanted to give."

"Do you want to take it back?"

"No," was his quick response.

"Then what?"

"I don't know," he leaned again his bureau and knocked over her picture. He picked it up and looked at the woman in the frame and then at the woman on the bed. "This feels very real."

"It is real."

"No, I mean really real – like super real. I have a very clear picture of you and I together for the rest of our lives."

"How do we look? Did we age well?"

"I am not kidding, Sarah."

"I think you are making too much out of this."

"How can I possibly make too much out of this? You have just agreed to spend the rest of your life with me. That is a big deal."

"Now you are scaring me. We are not going to be joined at the hip you know."

"Damn near."

"Harm."

"I don't mean literally. I have been thinking about you and Hailey in my life for the past several months because I wanted to, because I liked the freedom to include you."

"What? Now it is an obligation? What has changed?"

"You said yes."

"You asked."

"I did."

Harm turned and dug around in his jewelry box until he found what he was looking for. He pulled a small diamond solitaire out of the box and came over and sat next to her on the bed.

"Harm?"

"My father gave this ring to my mother. He was a poor navy lieutenant who hadn't gotten his wings yet. She was the daughter of a very well to do family. They met at a bookstore or restaurant or something. He said it was love at first sight, but it took her a little longer to realize that she loved him. The night he gave it to her he was headed off to flight school. She told me that he was ashamed that this was all he could afford."

"It is beautiful."

"That is what she thought. He offered it to her as a token of his love, faith and fidelity and asked her to wait until he got his wings before they made wedding plans. He promised her that he would get her a bigger one then."

"She never wanted another ring, did she?"

Harm looked into Mac's eyes. "She took it off two years after we heard that his plane went down. For years after I would see her twisting her finger where the ring used to be with a look in her eye that she only had for him. She gave this to me when I went off to flight school. Told me that someday I would fall in love and she wanted to me to have as much happiness as she and my father had had. This ring would be our good luck charm."

"That's a wonderful legacy."

"Sarah MacKenzie, I have been saving this ring these twenty years for you. Please accept this as a token of my love, my faith and my fidelity and do me the honor of allowing me to be your partner in life."

He slipped the ring on to her finger. It fit perfectly. The tears had welled up in her throat and she could not speak. She nodded and folded into him.

x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x

"Sarah?" Harm asked again. "Do you still want to marry me?"


	16. 16

Title: **In A Garden**

Chapter Sixteen

By: LizD

Written: February 2004

Disclaimers: No disrespect to JAG's cast, crew or creators. With love and thanks.

**A Garden – Part 16**

X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x

"Sarah?" Harm asked again. "Do you still want to marry me?"

She shook her head and looked away. "Ask me a different question."

"Why?"

She glared back at him. "I am not going to dignify that with and answer."

"Why not?"

"Because if you have to ask, then we have nothing to talk about."

"Why because you honor your promises? Something I haven't done."

"What are you talking about?"

"You know what I mean."

She thought for a moment and realized what he was saying. "Are you talking about that stupid deal we had?"

"I never thought it was stupid."

"That was nearly five years ago – why bring it up now?"

"Look around you?"

"What?" she was confused.

"How do you expect me to feel about all of this Mac?"

"This what?"

"This house? Your husband? Your daughter?"

"Feel about what? What does one have to do with -"

"Mac you bought this house because you wanted to start a family – a family that I had promised to help create."

"Harm, don't go there."

He continued on unchecked, "But in spite and anger I walked away – you married a man who could be my double and had a baby almost immediately."

"You have some pretty twisted logic going on about all of that."

"Why did you buy this house?" Harm forced himself to remain calm. "Did you expect us to fulfill that deal? Do you resent me for walking away?"

Mac got up from the couch and went to the window. She was quiet for a long time. Harm waited. He was not going to push or pull an answer from her; he wanted the truth; the truth being a relative condition of facts, perceived facts, memory and historical perspective.

After what felt like an eternity to Mac, turning over the words in her head and fearing that she was about to open a can of worms that she would never get contained, she felt like the truth was the only way to go. She had her response. She turned back to him. His eyes were not searching or penetrating just no-so-patiently waiting.

"I never expected that you would walk away," she said sadly. "It hurt me very deeply."

He let the breath he was holding ease out.

She continued. "But after the year we had had and how badly I treated you there was nothing else you could have done. I take responsibility for that."

Harm shook his head implying that she should not take responsibility. She again turned back to look out the window. Harm stayed quiet.

"I bought this house for a myriad of complicated reasons," she continued. "None of them have to do with you," she turned back to him. "Do you want them all?"

"Yes." It was a simple answer, but his outstretched hand beckoning her to be near him was comforting.

She crossed the room, and sat next to him. She thought back to the time she was shopping for the house. It was eleven months after that incident in Paraguay, five months since Harm had come back to JAG and a lifetime from the last time she actually felt like she was in control of her life.

"I felt like my life going on without direction. I was waiting. Waiting for what I didn't know, but waiting for something to happen," she laughed. "It is funny now. Now that I think back – things were happening all the time but all I did was survive the event and try to get back to the way things were. It was hard to move forward when all I was trying to do was stay where I was."

He took her hand and silently urged her to continue.

She pulled her hand from his, and took it in both of hers. "I needed to be proactive. The only thing I have ever known for sure was that I wanted to have a child – children." The tears were coming as again the pain of losing her child was brought fresh to mind, but she forced them back. "On New Year's Eve 2004 … well 2003 – a night I spent alone – I made a decision to do just that," she looked into his eyes. "You probably didn't notice any difference. We were so far apart – so disconnected – it was painful to work along side you. The gulf that had come between us was -."

"Was overwhelming," he said. "It colored everything I did, everything I said. I don't remember much else from the time I came back to JAG until I left other than trivialness and fruitlessness of my being there."

"Trivial? Fruitless?" she nodded. "That is interesting. That was exactly what I felt. The cases seemed unimportant or just down right annoying – which when you think about it is ridiculous. We were at the end – rather the middle – of the war in Iraq. The world was in turmoil and we had front row seats, yet prosecuting and defending service personnel for any of a number of things felt trivial or amazingly annoying. I remember prosecuting – and you defending – a man who was so addicted to cigarettes he was constantly leaving his post as a result someone died. I was livid. How could he be so careless? People were dying all the time in Iraq – yet these senseless preventable deaths were still happening. I have never felt so helpless or unimportant or ashamed at the pettiness."

"Pettiness is right. I am ashamed. I was so angry – hurt – I just couldn't get out of my own way," he shook his head. "But I was wrong to feel that way. We were doing important work too. The diamond thief who was helping to fund terrorists? The witness who was tortured to get information about an Al-Qeda member who was in the navy."

"I didn't know you knew about that. You weren't at JAG at the time."

"I had plenty of time when I got back to read through the case files."

"More than just the Imes cases?"

"I made time for yours," he squeezed her hand. "Some very brilliant work counselor."

"I never knew."

"I never said anything," he looked away. "Pettiness."

"I am changing my opinion."

Harm looked worried.

"It wasn't bad timing the spoiled it for us back then it was egos – pure and simple."

"You called it in Paraguay. We both wanted to be on top."

"Oh God, Paraguay! There is some much I need to apologize for."

"There are apologies needed on all sides."

"I thought love meant never having to say you are sorry," she grinned.

"That is the dumbest thing I have ever heard," he smiled. "Get back to the house."

"Did I buy the house because I thought some how we would figure it out? The honest answer is no. I bought the house for me. Had I given up hope on us? I was becoming resigned to the fact that I pushed too hard and you would not be coming back for more. The day I moved in, I indulged a small fantasy that you would help me make this house a home – but it was just a silly fantasy. Up until AJ fifth birthday there was still an unreasonable, irrational, sliver of hope."

"I thought you were with Webb."

"I know," she shook her head. "I know. I should have said something. Then the day came and you were gone," she looked up at him. "Can I tell you? I was relieved when you walked away – hurt but also relieved. Every feeling I had for you was so raw. It hurt to look at you. I was ashamed, sad, angry, frustrated, confused. I wouldn't have had the strength to do what you did."

"It wasn't strength. It was cowardice. After that statement about there never being an 'us' and Webb - "

She shook her head. "Have you ever said something because that was what you wanted to believe rather than what you actually believed?"

He was unsure.

"Have you ever tried to convince yourself of something?"

"Often."

"Even when you knew it wasn't true?"

"Often," he smiled.

"Don't take this wrong – and I am not saying that you did anything wrong – but if you had challenged that statement – I would have been forced to take back my words."

"I didn't know what to do," he tried to remember the hurt he felt when she said it, but too much time had passed, and too much had happened since. "You were so sure – so confident. I believed you," he looked up at her. "I should have just kissed you, hell I should have kissed you any of a number of times just to stop us from talking," he leaned in to kiss her.

"Harm – don't start that or we will never get through all of this."

"Will we get through all of this?"

She nodded.

"Tonight?"

"If I had my way – I have two more days with you and I want them filled with joy not - - - this discussion."

"We have a lot more than two days – we have the rest of our lives," he reminded her.

"And we have already had our share of strife – enough to last a life time."

He nodded, kissed her lightly on the lips and sat back. "Go on."

"Harm this house is not a monument to how we failed. This house was my choice. Please don't make too much of it. It is just a house – apparently a house in much need of repairs and remodeling," she flashed him a smile.

He returned the smile slightly. "What about Alan?"

"Did I marry Alan because he looked like you?" she shook her head and smiled. "My GOD you have an ego."

"Mac."

"I'm sorry. I met Alan during my first month a Quantico. Because he looked like you I didn't give him a second thought. We were forced to work together and you know what? He was nothing like you. I stopped seeing the similarities almost immediately. He was who he was. I was ready to get married and start a family. I am not saying that it could have been anyone – but I was ready, he was there willing to make a commitment and I believed that we could make a life together."

"What happened?"

"Well, Alan thought he was ready to settle down too – at least until reality set in. He didn't want home and family. He wanted his freedom. It wasn't about the other women. It wasn't even really about Hailey and me. It was about him. He was not ready to grow up."

"I understand that."

"No, Harm you don't. You have never made a commitment in your life that you would not have bent over backwards to fulfill. Your only issue was actually making the commitment; in some ways that is to your credit. It is better to shy away from commitment than to not honor it. If we had had a child together – even as friends – you would never have walked away from that responsibility. You never would have walked away from me."

"That is true."

"Just like it is hard for you to walk away from Linda," she said tentatively.

"Are we ready to talk about her?"

Mac took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "I think we are."

"Please don't get angry."

"I was not angry before."

"You sure seemed angry," he smiled.

"Harm – you need to listen to me and try to understand this," she paused to be sure she had his attention. "I am – nervous that I will have to step back because of Linda and that will --."

"What? Why? Why do you think that? I would never ask you to do that – nor would I let you."

"It is that commitment thing I was just talking about. You made a commitment to her and she needs you. You won't walk away and I wouldn't want you to. It is not who you are."

He shook his head. "No."

"Harm, it is true."

"I made a commitment to those children in there – not to her. The only thing I owe her is as the mother of those boys – if only as a birth mother and not an actual mother. Mac helping her now is not about my feelings for her – it is about David and Alexander. If she is not guilty, how can I look them in the eyes and tell them I did nothing to help."

"And if she is guilty?"

He thought for a moment. "Then how can I look them in the eyes and tell them I did nothing to help."

"I understand that – really I do. But won't a relationship with me just complicate that?"

"A relationship? Mac, we are way past that. Please don't make me chose between you and Linda. I would chose you – know that – but I don't want to have to make that choice."

"I won't ask you to, but I also want to do what is best for David and Alexander."

"Then help me."

"Help you?"

"Help me – we were a great team when we actually worked together. I need you. I need your objectivity."

"How can you think I would be objective?"

"Because that is who you are."

"What do you want me to do?"

"Just go over the case notes with me – look for things that have been missed. Ask questions. Make assumptions. Propose theories. Do what you do."

She smiled and shook her head. Clearly this was not something she wanted to do.

"Please, Mac."

"Ok."

"Ok?"

"Yes, I will help you – as much as I can."

"Thank you," Harm kissed her and pulled her into an embrace.

"Daddy?" Zander's little voice came from the hallway.

"Zander, you are supposed to be in bed."

"Hailey is crying."

Both Harm and Mac were up in an instant. Mac touched Zander's head gently as she walked by him to get to her daughter. Harm picked Zander up and took him back into his room. When he got there David was sitting up looking worried.

"Why is Hailey crying, Daddy?" David asked as Harm tucked Zander into the bed next to him.

"I don't know."

"Will she be OK?" David really loved Hailey.

"I am sure Auntie Mac will be sure of that."

"Did we do something wrong?" David pressed.

"No, son. Why would you think that?"

"Cause you sounded mad when you were talking." Zander – the bold one – said what both he and David were thinking.

"Who? Mac and me?"

"Are you mad at us?" Zander asked again.

"No, Zander, we are not mad at you."

"We were trying to be quiet." David defended.

"Did you not get any sleep at all?"

Both Zander and David looked a little sheepish. "We are not tired."

"Boys you really need to try to sleep. We have a big day planned for tomorrow and if you don't sleep you won't enjoy it."

"You are not mad?"

"No, I am not mad."

"Are you mad at Auntie Mac?"

"Not at all. Kids, sometimes when grown-ups talk it may sound like they are mad, but they aren't."

"Sometimes they are."

"Sometimes they are." Harm echoed. "But not this time. Now go to sleep."

"Daddy can we go say Happy Birthday to Hailey again?"

"No, not tonight. You need to sleep."

He kissed them each on the forehead and turned off the light. He left the door open and walked by Hailey's room. Mac was talking softly to her daughter. Things sounded like they were OK. Harm went to the living room and waited.

A little while later Mac came in rubbing her neck.

"Is she alright?"

"Yeah, she just got over stimulated today. Too much attention, I guess."

He motioned for her to sit down on the floor in front of him and he would rub her neck and shoulders. Mac was grateful for the offer.

"Why was she crying?" he asked after he had relaxed her enough.

"It is hard to say, Ow!" Her hand went to cover his.

"Sorry. Too hard?"

"No, you are fine," she groaned and craned her neck into his massage. "She said it was because she was disappointed. She wanted a dress that we saw last week and I completely forgot. She thought she didn't get it because she was bad."

"So, let's go and get it for her tomorrow."

"No, Harm. She will get it for Christmas. She got plenty of birthday presents and she can learn to live with not everything she wants."

"Mac, she is three years old – she can have a dress if she wants it – it won't turn her into a --."

"Harm, no. She gets spoiled enough between Chloe, AJ and Meredith, Alan and you."

"Oh, Ok," he looked shot down.

"Thank you for caring but you are still in that mode where you want to give her everything she asks for so she will like you."

"Is that bad?"

"It can't last – not if we are – OW . . . Ow . . . Ow . . . yeah right there … ah," she breathed out. "She already likes you."

"I like her – and I guess a little girl is new to me. Not sure how much you are supposed to indulge them."

Mac let out a moan as he found and worked out the big knot in her neck. "Well you can indulge me like this anytime you want."

He leaned down and kissed her neck. "I have better plans than this to indulge you, sweetheart."

She laughed.

"What?"

"It is still funny to hear you call me 'sweetheart.' It sounds – I don't know – sarcastic."

"Would you prefer honeybunch, lamb chop, snookums?"

"Sarah is fine," she kissed his hand.

"So she was really only upset about a dress?"

"No." Mac joined him on the couch.

"Did she think we were fighting?"

"No, why?"

"The boys thought we were mad at each other."

She looked to the bedroom where the boys slept. "We were just talking."

"It got a little heated."

"Did you tell them that?"

He leaned back and craned his own neck. "I told them we were talking and that everything was fine."

"Kids pick up on everything."

"Maybe Hailey too?"

"No, I am sure she was just over stimulated and --."

"And?"

"Alan didn't call and he promised to take her to Stella's garden."

"Alan?"

"He told her he would come by and take her to Stella's garden. He's not even out of the hospital yet. He just doesn't understand that you can't lie to a child, even if your intentions are good. I am sure he didn't mean for her to think it was today – but he should have called."

"I'm sorry."

"Yeah, me too. I could kill him when he lets her down like that. I didn't know about the plan until just now."

"What is Stella's garden?"

"We planted a garden for Stella and she wanted to go to put some more flowers there. She wanted to do it for her birthday."

"Stella?"

"The baby," she looked back at him. "The baby was a little girl. We named her Stella because she will be our little shining star in the heavens."

Mac had never told Harm this part. He felt like he was intruding on a private family matter. He nodded his response.

"Hailey didn't tell me about the trip to the garden cause she didn't want to make me sad."

Harm wrapped her up in his arms and held her very close. She wasn't crying and she didn't want to, but she needed to be held.

"We'll go in the morning first thing." Mac said softly her voice cracking a little.

He was silent for a long time just holding her. He wanted to ask, but he didn't want to over step his position. He took a chance. "Can the boys and I come with you?" he pulled back to look at her. "I'll understand if you don't want us to."

That's when she got a little misty eyed. "I think Hailey would really like that."

"Would you?"

"I would."

"Good," he wrapped her up again and she tucked her head under his chin and curled into his embrace.

"I love you," she whispered after a moment.

"I love you too," he let out a sigh. "Are we done talking for the night?"

"There is something that I have to tell you and then we can put it – and us to bed. We can make decisions after we have each had a chance to sleep on it."

She sounded serious. Harm waited. "Ok."

"I am being transferred out of JAG."

"What? Why?"

"Not the admiral's pet."

"She can't do that."

"Wanna bet? She had already transferred Bud back here. I am sure Harriet is thrilled."

"When?"

"He reports December first."

"Wow."

"Yeah – I think Jennifer is next on the chopping block. Admiral Strickland is not fond of women under her command."

"Isn't that sexist?"

"Yep – and if you think I am going to file charges you are nuts."

"So you are leaving JAG. Where is she transferring you?"

"Well there is good news and other good news."

"OK – the good news."

"I could take Bud's position in San Diego."

He laughed. "Well that seems rather convenient, doesn't it?"

"She knows about our engagement."

"So she is trying to be nice or cut you off at the pass. You know transfer you before you ask – makes it look like it was her idea."

"She is trying to get rid of me – and I think if there were an opening in Iceland – I would be the first name on the list."

"Did you piss on her Cheerios?"

"Have always hated that expression – and no – I have never done anything to her except ask for latitude in my hours so I can take care of Hailey."

"Oh – I'll bed she is all Navy and raised three kids on her own -."

"Four, but you're right."

"So if that is the good news, what is the good news?"

"General Weston has an opening on his staff."

"General George Weston – Foreign Ops for the Middle East? Master of the stop the terrorists before they reach our borders? That General Weston?"

"The same."

"That is quite a coup, Mac."

"And the job is right here at the Pentagon."

Harm realized what she was saying. She could take this career job, but it would mean that the plan to move west was out. "How can you turn it down?" he said encouragingly and he realized his options were being altered with hers.

"Well it is not mine yet. The position is for a Colonel – full colonel – so I have to go before the review board – it is not a lock."

"It is too. Don't be ridiculous."

"Harm, I haven't done much in the last few years to be noteworthy."

"You have the general's attention."

"If Strickland lets it fly."

"She can't prevent this."

"She can make it difficult."

"She won't."

"You know what it means – if I take that position?"

"It would mean that you would finally out rank me," he smiled.

"Harm."

"I understand all the implications," he looked at her. "It is a career move Mac, you can't not go for it."

"I am not all about my career anymore Harm. I have other priorities."

The idea was sinking in on Harm. It would mean that he would have to move east if they were to get married and live together. It would mean that the five of them would have to find a way to live in Mac's house – or convince her to sell it and find something else. He would need to find a job in Washington – the dreaded beltway – and new babysitters, schools for his sons. He would have to move 3000 miles away from his mother – his home – again. It would mean that Linda and that whole mess would be left behind; she would be totally alone. There were definite upsides and definite downsides to this move for the boys and him. Not to mention the whole marriage adjustment – something that began to weigh heavily on his mind more and more these days.

"Harm?" she asked; he was lost in thought.

"Why can't you have both?" he pulled her to him so she could not see his eyes. "I'm proud of you Mac."

Behind his eyes was panic, concern, resistance and dread. Again he felt like he was being backed into a corner with only one way to turn. To keep Mac in his life, he had to either live with 3000 miles of distance or cross that gulf all on his own – she could not meet him half way. The last time he felt this trapped was when Linda told him that if he did not agree to marry her, he would never get his children. The last time he swore it would be the last time.

"I am proud of you," he said again with more distance in his voice.


	17. 17

Title: **In A Garden**

Chapter Seventeen

By: LizD

Written: February 2004

Disclaimers: No disrespect to JAG's cast, crew or creators. With love and thanks.

**A Garden – Part 17**

X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x

Chloe came by Sunday morning – the day Harm and the boys were to leave – to take the kids out. Harm thought that Mac had arranged it so they could 'talk' (they conveniently didn't continue their discussion on Saturday). She hadn't been so shrewd. He was still not ready to 'talk' about moving east. He knew he had to deal with it, do it, arrange it, make it happen – he just didn't want to talk about it. It wasn't going to happen right away anyway, there was the case to deal with. He would have time to get used to the idea.

Mac was cleaning up the breakfast dishes, as Harm was packing and cleaning up the room that the boys had used. She came in with a load of laundry she had done that morning so Harm would not have to pack dirty clothes. She dumped them on the stripped bed and started folding them.

"You don't need to do that," he said.

"I know," she said quickly. "It gives me something to do while I am waiting."

"Waiting for what?"

"For you to tell me what's wrong."

"Wrong? Nothing is wrong."

"We never finished talking the other night," she pressed.

"Didn't we?"

"No."

"What is left to say?"

She gave him a look that implied he couldn't be seriously asking her that question.

"I am asking, what is left to say?"

"Quite a bit."

"I don't know what – the decision has been made – now it is a matter of following through," he was not so much bitter as snappy.

She shook her head and smirked. "The decision has been made? May I ask who made it?"

"Isn't is obvious what has to happen?"

"Not to me."

"Then you are just being --."

"Being what?" she interrupted keeping him from putting his foot in his mouth – again.

"Nothing."

"Why don't you tell me what you see as the OBVIOUS DECISION that has been made – purely for my edification?"

"Well," he started with his best cocky posture. "If we grant that we are getting married and want to live in the same zip code – then the boys and I will have to move east."

"'If we grant'?" she echoed back to him.

"You know what I am saying."

"Let's assume that I do and I don't take offense."

"There is no offense to be taken."

She was unconvinced. "Is that what you want to do?"

"What I want is not at issue."

"How do you figure that?"

"Isn't it obvious?" he asked.

"Not to me."

"You have a career opportunity that keeps you in Washington, you have a house you love that is big enough for all five of us, God knows I can get a job here in short order – and the boys are two and a half years old – they don't care if we live in San Diego, Virginia or Timbuktu."

"Is that how you see it?"

"Is there another way?" he felt the whole line of dialogue was useless.

"I see that I have a career opportunity on either coast which just opened two doors for us – rather than closing one door for you."

"Don't be ridiculous, Mac."

She was silent for a long moment. "Harm – let me ask you something, are you sure you want to do this?"

"What?"

"This – this thing – this thing with me. Get married, live together, all that – are you sure—?"

"I love you, Mac."

"I don't question that," she said quickly. "I question your desire to commit to a wife and the life that comes with that – and move three thousand miles to do it – or have me move three thousand miles."

"I am not backing out now," he defended.

"This is not about saving face."

"I am not trying to 'save face'," he mocked back at her.

"Harm, do you know that you are a forty-something year old man who has never – not really – been married?"

"You are now going to throw the old 'you can't commit' argument at me?"

"The odds of a man your age getting married and staying married --."

"I have never been one to follow the odds – this is different."

"You are damn straight it is different. I won't go through that again."

"Through what?"

"I won't go through a marriage with a man who is not willing to commit."

"Who said I was not willing to commit?" he stuffed some clothes into the suitcase. "I am very committed."

She studied him for a moment. "Harm – maybe this is not the right time for either of us."

"Oh, God now we are back to the 'bad timing' issue."

"You're impossible," she tossed the shirt in her hand down on the bed.

"You're the one arguing about this."

"And you are simply resigned to your FATE," she declared.

"What is the problem?"

"The problem is I want to know why we can't talk about this like adults."

"I don't see that there is anything to talk about."

"EXACTLY and you can't see why that bothers me?"

"Look you win – you get everything you want –"

"And you don't?"

Harm slammed the suitcase shut. "Damn it Mac, that is not what I said."

"No – no you didn't say that - you haven't said anything."

Harm dropped down on to the bed in defeat. He sighed. "Well one thing hasn't changed, you and I can find a way to argue about the color of the sky."

She sat down on the other side of the bed and put her hand on his shoulder, smiled and whispered. "The sky is sky blue – hence the name."

He looked out the window. "I don't know, Mac. Today it looks more copen blue to me."

"Copen Blue? Is that even a color?"

Harm pulled the crayons out of the carry bag that had he had already packed and pulled out a crayon that said COPEN BLUE and then found the one that said SKY BLUE.

She looked back out the window and then back at the crayons and laughed. "OK – today I will give you this one."

"Just today?"

She smiled and shook her head. She took a deep breath and started again. "Harm, please. The kids will be back in an hour – let's talk about this."

He looked back at her. "I think we can find better use for sixty minutes, marine."

"No doubt, but we need to."

Harm was silent.

"Have you changed your mind?"

"No," he took her hand. "No I haven't." There was a short pause as he thought about what to say next.

She cut him off. "Are you thinking about changing your mind?"

"Meaning?"

"Aren't you concerned about the change that married life will have on you?"

He nodded slowly. Not in agreement, but like he was trying on her assessment to see if it fit. "Well, it is true that I have been making my own decisions with little input from anyone for much of my life, but that does not mean I have 'commitment issues.'"

"Are you sure?"

"Just because you are two up on me in that arena does not mean that I can't do it."

"Well, to be honest – the fact that I have made it to the alter twice -."

"Nearly three times," he corrected.

"Nearly three times and am still single does not bode well for my ability to commit."

"You just chose the wrong men."

"Is that your problem?" she asked quickly.

"Choosing the wrong men?"

"Women."

"No," he snickered under his breath. "Though I have had plenty to choose from."

"What does that mean?"

He looked up at her about to speak; then changed his mind. "You don't want to hear this."

"I think I do."

"No, I don't think you really do – not if you knew – you wouldn't."

"Harm, are we keeping secrets?"

"Haven't we always?"

"Rabb I can still kick your butt into next week."

"I'd like to see you try," he smiled and shook his head. "No, I'll take the fifth."

"Does not apply."

"I want immunity before I say another word."

"You want me to promise not to get upset?"

"Yes."

She shook her head, "No."

"You are making it very difficult to share."

"Try."

He reluctantly forged onward. She was unshakeable. "You know that I wasn't involved with anyone after Renee – waiting for you," he said as he kissed her hand.

"What happened after you left JAG and before you met Linda?"

"Well I was a - what some would call – not sure how to --."

"What?" she hurried his babbling along.

"A confirmed bachelor."

"Meaning you dated a lot."

Harm laughed. "More than a lot."

"How much more?"

He looked worried. "No."

"Tell me," she warned. "I will find out anyway."

"That's true," he exhaled and slowly marched on. "Well for pretty close to two years – even up until and after the time I met Linda – I dated – A LOT."

"That has been established," she a puzzled look crossed her face. "Well, wait. What do you mean by 'dated'?"

"Anyone who smiled at me got a dinner invitation," he said quickly like he was ripping off a band aide. "It got to be a joke with Admiral Boone. Said I couldn't eat a meal without a woman's company."

"How many are we talking about?"

"Well – three four dinners a week – for close to twenty two months – a couple of dozen second dates – don't think I had a third date with more than a handful of times – I don't know – you do the math."

"That is close to three hundred women," she was shocked.

He laughed. "I didn't mean literally do that math."

"You dated close to three hundred women in two years?"

"I didn't sleep with them – for God sake Mac, it was dinner – and that number is probably high."

"Why? I mean why so many."

"I was a confirmed bachelor."

"I don't understand."

"After Renee there was no one – except you and you wouldn't have me – I was alone for close to three years. When I left, I was done being alone, but I wasn't going to have my heart ripped out and handed back to me again either." As soon as the words left his mouth he knew he had gone too far. He tried to recover. "So, I cooked a lot of pasta for women."

She watched his eyes for a long moment, wondering if she should ask what she had to know. "Is that what you think I did to you?"

"What?"

"You think I ripped your heart out and handed it back to you?"

"I didn't say that." Now he was back peddling - HARD.

"It sure sounded that like from over here."

"That is not what I meant."

She got up and went to the door. She paused and looked back at him. "Before either house gets put on the market or moving vans are called – I think we have a few things we need to iron out from the past," she walked out.

Harm waited a moment before he followed her. He found her in the bedroom stripping the bed. He watched her for a moment from the doorway.

"Sarah, I'm sorry."

"You are entitled to your feelings."

"I am also entitled to be wrong," he was gentle.

"I don't know what is wrong with me. I some how believed that we wouldn't have to deal with all of that."

"We don't."

"I think we do. Ten years from now, I don't want – all of that – Mic, Renee, Paraguay, whatever – to still be between us."

"Honey, that is our past, it will always be between us," he stopped her from her task and turned her toward him.

"Not like this," she was near tears. "I can't pay for mistakes for the rest of my life."

"I don't want you to."

"I need to be allowed to make amends."

"You have nothing to make amends for. I never said they were your mistakes. I made a lot more than you did."

"You don't believe that."

"I do believe that. I can point to six specific occasions when I was wrong and if I had done it differently things might have been different for us."

"Only six?" she smiled through her tears.

"The big ones," he smiled. "Off the top of my head," he brushed the hair off her face and kissed her sweetly.

He held her for a long moment before she spoke. "There is a part of me that wants us to get married right now, cause I know once we take that step – we will be forced to work it out."

"So, lets do it. Right now. Marry me today."

"No," she shook her head but it was clear that she was happy with the answer. "We need do it right or not at all."

"Sarah, we will work this out and God knows we could fix all the problems from the past, but there will still be more to come – and we will work those out too."

"Ya know Harm, when the marriage went bad with Alan – I was sad and it hurt, but there was still so much that was new to me about him that – I don't know – I guess I wasn't surprised," she looked up at him. "But I honestly think that if our marriage ended I would never recover."

"Honey, don't say that."

"I have known you too well – loved you too long – if our marriage fails --."

"It won't."

"But maybe we shouldn't --."

"Sarah – here is the deal. We may live in different states – at the moment – we may not have legally declared before the world that we are husband and wife – but for me – in my mind – we are married. We were the moment that you put this ring on your finger. And I don't care what anyone else has to say."

"Including me?"

"About this topic – yes. You will never convince me that I feel less or am committed less than I am. So all this other bullshit is just that. Even my own shit is just me making it harder on myself – and you," he turned her face up to his. "You are it for me lady. And that is all she wrote." He pulled her to him and they kissed – a kissed that confirmed their commitment.

"Call Chloe and tell her to keep the kids for another hour," he whispered suggestively.

She was happy but still needed to have some answers. "What should I do about the admiral and the posts?"

They sat down on the bed. "What do you want to do?" he asked. "You haven't told me yet."

"San Diego would be fine. A lot of hard work and probably longer hours."

"And the position with General Weston?"

"It will probably be nine to five when I am here – but with a lot more TAD's," she wiped the last wet from her eyes. "I also have never met General Weston, I have no idea what he is like."

"Has got to be better than Admiral Strickland."

"Famous last words."

"So you are going to tell her you want the job with General Weston?"

"Are you OK with that?"

"Absolutely. It is a great opportunity for you. Don't you want your work to be more meaningful?"

"In some ways yes, but I also don't want my work to take away from my family – my family that is about to take on three men."

"Well you said it – less hours with Weston."

"You wouldn't be too disappointed moving here?"

"I was never disappointed – I just felt like the man should offer something to the marriage – your house, your job – what am I offering you? Hell, if I move here – I will be out of work. Do you want to support me?"

"That would last for all of fifteen minutes – you'll find work."

"I will."

"Do you like your job in San Diego?"

"With Kate? Not really – good money – but the hours are killing me."

"And you can give up sunny southern California?"

He nodded. "Yeah, I can live in Virginia. It will be nice to be in real weather again with an actual change of seasons. Good for the boys."

"What about this house?"

"You sure you want us here? Two boys -."

"Three."

"- can wreck a little havoc."

"This house has stood for a hundred years – I think it can handle the Rabb men," she asked again. "Are you OK with living here?"

He looked around and half nodded and half shook his head. "Yeah – well, I'll redo the kitchen and put a new roof on, maybe add a room and change the wall paper in the bathroom – it'll feel like my house too when I am done with it."

She smiled, "Harmon Rabb and Tool Time."

"I am good with my hands," he wrapped his arm around her.

"Don't I know it," she kissed him. "So you are OK with this plan? I am not opposed to going to San Diego."

"No, no. Yeah – I mean – take the Pentagon job. We'll come here – not immediately. Got to finish this thing with Linda – but at least we have a plan."

"A good plan?"

"Yeah, it is a good plan. We need to figure out when the wedding will be and more importantly where the honeymoon will be," he grinned and leaned in to kiss her – but the phone rang and stopped him.

Mac answered. "Hello? … How are things going? … Really? … That's great. … You are where? … No, they don't need to be at the airport until 1600. … Ok … Ok … That sounds like fun …Should we meet you there? … Are you sure? … Fine … we will see you then. … Bye honey," she hung up.

"Chloe?"

"Yep. They are having so much fun, she is going to keep them for a couple more hours … there is some children's festival in the park – a petting zoo, arts and crafts and a puppet show in an hour."

"She is keeping them for a couple more hours?"

"Yes."

"HOURS? Two hours?"

"That's right."

"Hmmm … what do you think we can do for two hours?"

"We could go pick out wall paper for the bathroom." she smiled.

Mac got up from the bed and was nearly out of arm's reach before he grabbed her and pulled her back down on the bed.

"Or not," he smiled over her.

"Or not."

Kiss – fade to black …Copen Blue.


	18. 18

Title: **In A Garden**

Chapter Eighteen

By: LizD

Written: February 2004

Disclaimers: No disrespect to JAG's cast, crew or creators. With love and thanks.

**A Garden – Part 18**

X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x

The next time Harm and Mac saw each other was two weeks later on Thanksgiving weekend. It was going to be a working weekend. Mac had arrived in San Diego very late Wednesday night (three hours later for her) after working all-day and dropping Hailey off with Alan for the holiday. She was still working at JAG. She would stay through January first. By then the review board should have finished their review and she would know if she got the position at the Pentagon or she would be shipped off somewhere else. She had met with General Weston and was really looking forward to working with him.

Caitland Pike was given the position in San Diego. Mac was not too thrilled that Kate – another Kate – the original Kate – would be in Harm's area code, but after all that time she could not allow herself to be jealous or untrusting. At least that was what she told herself – repeatedly. Harm, of course, played it just right. Baited her just enough to set the hook, let her run with it just a little and then said something incredibly sticky sweet to reel her back in. She fell for it every time.

Harm and Mac prepared Thanksgiving dinner for the four of them, the Roberts clan (their house was in shambles getting ready for the move), Mrs. and Mariana Johnson and Kate Pike. It was a full house. Mac was in charge of the Turkey and anything meat related (like stuffing and gravy) and Harm took care of everything else. It was a very nice day and though neither one outwardly acknowledged it – Harm and Mac made a great team and had a wonderful time playing host.

It was nearly 2200. Harm sat at his kitchen table with the case files for the Lawson's murder spread out in front of him. The trial started Monday morning, so Harm had the long weekend to pull a rabbit out of his hat. With Mac's help he was hoping to do just that. It wasn't the first time he had looked through the information, it wasn't even the second or third, but he couldn't help shake the notion that the way to prove that Linda didn't kill her father was buried some where in those files. He still wasn't sure if he believed that she was not guilty or if he just wanted her to be not guilty, but it didn't matter. He needed to help.

Mac walked back into the kitchen. She had taken a shower to wash off the day of cooking and cleaning and to give her a little more energy to get through the next couple of hours.

"Feel better?" he asked.

"Much," she stretched. "Now I know the true meaning of Thanksgiving."

"Thankful for that new shower head I installed?"

"And the larger water heater," she ran her hand through her hair one more time. "Gotta get me one of those," she smiled.

He looked over at her as she poured herself another cup of coffee. Her hair was slicked back, and her make up was off. She was wearing a pair of his sweat pants, which filled out curvier through the hips and bunched in large puddles at her ankles and his Navy sweatshirt – which (one could argue) was now HER Navy sweatshirt. He could not help but smile.

She noticed and looked down at herself. "What?"

"Nothing."

"Come on, what?"

"Every time I see you in that sweatshirt it makes me want to jump you."

"Yeah, cause this is so sexy," she struck a pose, which – shall we say – broadened the "NAVY"'s appeal.

"Now you're playing with fire," he was up in a second and had her pinned against the counter. He got very close to her but did not touch her. He inhaled deeply. "You smell great."

"New shampoo."

He leaned into kiss her but again got close without touching her.

"Thought you wanted to get some more work done," she asked coyly.

"I think it's time for a break,"

"I just had one – maybe you need a cold shower," she smiled up at him and let her lips lightly touch his just before she ducked under his arm was resumed her position at the table.

"They have names for women like you."

"Careful there, sailor. Don't want to lose your objective by speaking out of turn."

"And net me a night on the sofa?" he leaned against the counter in defeat.

"Ya know Harm, I have always heard that couples should never go to bed angry."

"So you are saying that you will never banish me to the couch?"

"Not if you make nice before bedtime."

He came up behind her and started nuzzling her neck. "Isn't that what I was trying to do?"

"Lets get a couple more hours done tonight and then --."

"Hours?"

"Monday morning is going to come pretty quickly," she took his hands off of her. "And … I don't know how to tell you this."

"What?"

"You smell like sweet potatoes. Old, dirty, sweet potatoes."

"Well that's what happens when someone – who shall remain nameless – doesn't lock the top down on the food processor before she turns it on."

"I was only trying to help," she laughed. "You are going to be cleaning sweet potatoes out of the walls for years."

"Not me," he kissed her quickly. "I'm moving. Let the new owners worry about it."

She nodded. "You still smell like sweet potatoes."

"OK, OK. I'll take a shower – it will have to be cold – you probably used up all the hot water,"

His 'goodbye' kiss required that she kiss him back and it nearly made her change her mind about working for a couple more hours.

Mac was left alone and started sorting through the files. She liked that they were working together (in spite of the content). She liked that they were easy and playful with each other. One thing about Alan was that he was always too serious. He would have gone through the roof if she had made a mess like that with him, particularly if they had guests coming. It would have ruined the entire day – heck probably the weekend.

As she sorted through the information again, she was beginning to see what Harm saw. There were too many unanswered questions and too much time unaccounted for. Harm had conducted interviews – unofficially – with a number of people, which actually netted them more information than a lawyer would normally get. He talked to the maid, the gardener, and the driver, all of who had the night off conveniently enough. It took him a while but he was finally able to locate the girlfriend, the bimbo with the toys – Candi Landis. Mac remembered when he told her about that interview.

"_Her name is Candi Landis?" Mac asked._

"_Yeah – so?"_

"_Candi Landis – Candyland – is she a porn star?"_

"_She could be," Harm was distracted. "Those can't be real," _

"_You are looking at her picture, aren't you?"_

"_It is in her file," he defended._

"_Was it pulled from Playboy or Hustler?"_

"_Oui – I think," he made an odd noise in the back of his throat and said softly. "Whoa - I am not sure that is anatomically possible."_

"_Put it away, Harm."_

"_What?" he was still distracted and a dead silence filled the phone line._

"_Rabb – should I leave you two alone?"_

_He laughed. "Oh, baby, don't you know you have ruined other women for me even the two dimensional ones?"_

_She smiled and shook her head. "Nice recovery," she sighed. "Don't call me 'baby'."_

The file did have pictures. Miss Candi Landis was a very sexy woman and she probably did go 'under the knife' to have improvements made, but the pictures were her mug shot, a candid by the pool with Linda and a couple of freeze frames from the security camera at the Lawson estate.

Mac shook her head remembering his comments and put the file aside.

The file actually fell to the floor and the papers spilled out. As she was re-stuffing them back into the folder, she came across a thick envelope that was tucked under a stack of files on the floor. It was addressed to Harm with an address label of Lawson Enterprises. It was marked PERSONAL and URGENT with a postmark date of two days after Lawson's murder. Mac thought about waiting for him to ask what it was, but thought again and pulled out the files.

There was no note. It contained copies of Linda's medical records from the time she was thirteen. Mac read through the files, it appeared that Linda had attempted suicide several times before she was eighteen, was in an out of hospitals and had been under the care of various psychiatrists. She had had three abortions: one at seventeen, one at twenty-one and one at twenty-seven and two miscarriages: at thirty and thirty-one. There was a large gap in the records. Then next entries weren't until she was thirty-six when she got pregnant with the twins. That's where the records stop.

In another folder was a list of what had to be bank transactions all for very large amounts. Mac did a quick sum and came up with close to a three and a half million dollars paid in various amounts to various people over nearly a twenty year period. The name Sean O'Dae came up on the list several times starting in 1985 and the last one was in July of 2006. There was also a payment made to Harm in April of 2006 for $250,000. Mac couldn't be sure, but she thought the date was the same day as his wedding day.

She was never expecting to find what she found in the last folder. It shocked her. She must have reread it three times before it really sank in. Harm was still in the shower, but she needed to speak with him about it. She went to the bedroom to wait for him to come out.

Harm entered moments later. He had a towel wrapped around him and was drying his hair with another. Mac was sitting cross-legged on the bed with the file closed in front of her. She had been struggling with what she was going to say and how she was going to contain her confusion and anger.

"Miss me," he said delighted to have her waiting for him.

"We need to talk," was her constrained answer.

He looked down at the file and knew what it was immediately. "I guess we do," he turned away and pulled on his sweats. "Can we do this calmly and rationally? I don't want the boys to overhear this."

"Let's go back to the kitchen," she avoided the question.

He led the way and she followed. He took a position on the far side of the kitchen forcing her to stay standing in order to keep her voice down.

"You know what this is?" she held up the file.

He nodded.

"You have seen it before – before five months ago when it was mailed to you."

"I had not seen it before then."

"But you knew about it – you already knew what was in there."

He nodded.

"Who sent this to you?"

"I don't know. I assumed it was Lawson's lawyer."

"Why?"

"Probably wanted to keep it away from the police."

"I can see that. This is more than enough motive for you to have killed Lawson."

"I didn't kill him."

"I know that – but a case could be built on this evidence alone."

"I didn't kill him," he repeated.

"It is also very damaging to Linda."

"Yes, yes it is."

She was at a loss. His demeanor was so non-defensive. "Were you going to share this?"

"With you or with the prosecutor?"

"Either."

"No."

"You weren't going to tell me?"

"No."

"Never?"

"Never is a long time," he paused hoping that would be enough. It wasn't. "I had no plans of telling you."

"Harm we were going to get married."

"Going to?" Disappointment washed over him. "Oh Mac, don't do that. That – that," Referring to the file. "That is nothing. It is nothing. Please don't suggest that it is a deal breaker for us."

"Harm, you lied to me," she stated as if it were so obvious that to say it was silly. "You kept this from me. You would have married me and let me love and help raise those boys and never told me the truth."

"I told you the truth Mac," he looked like he was really trying to hold himself back. "I didn't lie to you any more than I lied to myself."

"That is exactly what you did – AND are doing."

"I don't see it that way."

"Harm, those boys are not yours."

He took two steps, put his hands firmly on her shoulders and got in her face. With ever ounce of control he stated flatly, "I don't ever what you to say that again."

She did not pull away from him nor did she back down. "It is the truth."

"A version of the truth, but not the truth," he let go of her and stepped back. "They are more mine than – than – than Linda's."

Mac was still at a loss. He was not acting as she would have expected him to act – namely caught. "Does she know?"

"I don't -," he shook his head. "I don't think so."

"How can you not know?"

"We did not have that kind of marriage, Mac. Hell, Lawson and I talked more than Linda and I did."

"I am at a total loss. I don't know what to say."

"What? What is there to say?"

"A lot – a lot more than the nothing you are giving me,"

"I am answering every question you have. I am not running from this," he stated triumphantly.

"Running? Well I guess you aren't running from me," she ran her hands through her hair again and turned away from him. "This is just so --- I don't know ---," she turned back and glared at him. "Not like you?"

"This is exactly like me. And you know it."

"So this just another example of Hero Harm to the rescue?" she stabbed at him.

"This is a hell of a lot more than that."

"You are saving those boys from their evil mother and grandfather?"

"Stop it," he stated.

"Then tell me what I am supposed to think," she pleaded.

"You are supposed to trust me."

"TRUST YOU? You lied to me."

"Keep your voice down," he walked passed her to go check on the boys. He was back in a moment. "Keep your voice down, please or we are going to have to table this until anther time."

"There is no other time for this Harm. We have to talk this through tonight."

Her conviction shook him. "Will you listen to me or have you already made up your mind?"

She exhaled and tried to calm herself. "I am here. I am listening."

He took a deep breath. "For six months I was living under the impression that Linda was having my baby. I hated her for getting pregnant on purpose – that is what she did – in my mind. We used protection, but that is not always 100%."

Mac looked away. She really did not want to imagine Harm needing protection with another woman.

"Anyway, that is what I told myself. She was very self-satisfied that I was forced to marry her. I took solace in the idea that I was finally going to have a child," he paused to remember. "It was a very lonely time," he looked into her eyes. "It was six months of hell if you really want to know the truth."

"I'm sorry,"

He shook his head and brushed her apology aside. "Then they were born – not one but two – and I was the only person they had in the world to protect them. They were little, defenseless and sick. I walked the floor in Neo-natal every night for six weeks praying to God or whoever would listen to let them be OK. Linda was nowhere. Walter was nowhere. It was me – all me. I was asking God to save my sons – MY sons," he nearly broke down.

Mac chose not to say anything but stepped closer to him.

Harm recovered. "He did. They were finally given the green light to go home – with ME," he emphasized the last word to make his point. "The night before I took them home from the hospital I was being given instructions. You wouldn't believe what I was expected to do, to know and to watch out for, but I was going to do whatever it took for them," he was frustrated and angry that he had to relive this scene from his past.

"I'm listening," she encouraged gently.

He took a deep breath. "I was given a copy of their medical records," he took another breath. "I have blood type O. Linda has O. The kids are type B. They were not mine," he said quickly and continued almost without taking a break. "It didn't take a rocket scientist or a DNA test to prove it. They were not mine – not biologically mine."

"That must have been devastating."

"You'll never know," he wiped his hands over his face. "It is probably the worst fear a man can have," he looked away and laughed. "That is of course before all the other fears set in."

"I'm sorry."

He again waved her apology away. "Not five months before I had seen the DNA test that said there was no-doubt of my paternity."

"Lawson?"

"Lawson," he looked away from her. "I went home and stayed up all night. I didn't know what to do. I had no one to call. No one to discuss it with and what would I say anyway?" he looked back. "Remember when I told you that I struggled with being a father? That I wanted to run away. Get away?"

She nodded remembering that day in the hospital.

"I now had my chance. I could have and probably should have walked away. How pathetic I was. I had quit the Navy for Linda, I married her – a woman I didn't like with a father I loathed and then I discovered that they saddled me with two children who weren't biologically mine. I was some pathetic fool."

She took another step closer. "I don't see you like that."

"Well I did," he shot back at her. "I spend all night running over every possible scenario in my head a hundred times over. It boiled down to this – I loved those boys. I loved them more than I have ever loved anyone. In fact up until that night I didn't know what love meant."

Mac looked away.

"Up until that night I didn't know the sacrifices I would make for - - - for them. To be with them? There was nothing I wouldn't do."

She looked back and saw an intensity firmly planted in maturity that she had never seen before.

"Listen to me. Choosing to love them and be their father was the most profound feeling I have ever had. It was no longer MY MISTAKE that I had to atone for. This was no longer a responsibility that was foisted on me. I may have been duped, but I was not going to let it ruin my life or the lives of those boys. I walked into it with my eyes wide open."

"That is a huge responsibility."

"I took it on – all by myself."

Mac stayed quiet for a long moment. "Did you confront Lawson or Linda?"

"No. As I said, I don't know if Linda knows – she may, but I don't know. We never talked about it. As for Lawson, no – I never said a word – though he probably would have pulled this out during the custody trial."

"That is the motive I was talking about."

"I didn't kill him."

"What about the father – the biological father? Do you know who he is?"

"Yes," he nodded to the folder. "His name is Sean O'Dae."

"I meant; do you know him?"

"We met, briefly."

"Who is he?" she asked gently.

"He was – obviously Linda's lover, but he worked for Lawson for nearly ten - fifteen years as his personal assistant."

"Doesn't he have the right to know his children?"

"He doesn't want them," he stated.

"How do you know?"

"I know."

"You spoke to him about this?"

Harm took another deep breath before he spoke. "He came to the hospital after they were born. He introduced himself and told me that he had loved Linda for nearly ten years but that it would never work out for them. He had to walk away," Harm looked Mac in the eyes. "I knew exactly how he felt."

She pulled a sad smile and nodded for him to continue.

"He looked at both the boys – I thought he was envying me being the father of her children. Then he said something that I didn't quite understand until later."

"What did he say?"

"He said, 'Be a good father to your sons – be a better father than I could be.' Then he shook my hand and walked away."

Mac opened the folder and looked down to see that a payment in the amount of $500,000 was transferred to Sean O'Dae three days after the twins were born. "He sold his rights to his kids to Lawson," she stated.

Harm nodded. "That's how it would appear."

"Where is he now?"

"Out of the country. He is wanted on five counts of securities fraud, insider trading – you name it."

"I thought he was his personal assistant."

"O'Dae knew more about Lawson and Lawson's business practices than Lawson did. He was just not very smart about it. I am sure most of the payments made to him were bribes or pay offs of some kind. Mostly to keep him away from Linda."

"Could O'Dae have killed Lawson?"

"I don't see how – he is not in the country. Bolivia I think."

Mac shook her head and walked back to the kitchen table to try to digest all this information. Harm gave her a moment before he joined her.

"Sarah?"

"I don't know what to think or how to feel about all of that."

"I understand it is quite a shock." After a moment of her silence he asked, "Do you see that there really was nothing else I could do?"

"I don't know that – not for sure. I wasn't there and I don't understand people like Linda, Lawson or O'Dae."

"They are definitely in a league of their own."

"How did you get mixed up in all of this?"

"Same old story - wrong place at the wrong time. But you know what? Even if I knew then what I know now – I would do it again. Those kids are my world."

She reached out and took his hand. "I know you love them."

He waited again for her to speak, but she didn't. "Sarah, please – I don't want to lose you over this. Legally those boys are mine. It is my name on their birth certificates."

She shook her head. It wasn't enough.

"I haven't done anything wrong," he pleaded.

She pulled her hand away and looked into his face. "Harm, you lied to me. That is what you did wrong. You lied to me."

"I am sorry you see it that way."

"Do you know why you didn't tell me?"

He shook his head.

"Did you think that I would not understand? Not support you? Did you think that I would think less of you?"

"I don't know – maybe – yes, maybe all of those things. Maybe I didn't tell you because to tell you would have given credence to the whole thing," he shook his head and looked over at her. "Are we through? I can't talk about this anymore – at least not tonight. Can we please just let it go for right now?"

Mac felt her whole body tense. There he was. Harmon Rabb - the man who would rather deflect and ignore the hard stuff – was still alive and well and living in the man opposite her. "Sure," was all she managed to say.

"I am going to stay up for a little while longer," he stated. He was dismissing her.

"Ok," she said sadly and got up to leave.

He caught her hand before she left the room. "I'm sorry Sarah. I didn't intend to hurt you."

"You did – you did hurt me."

"I'm sorry."

Mac pulled her hand slowly away from his and left the room. Harm pretended to get back to work, but the papers blurred in front of him.

X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x

For hours Mac tossed and turned. The house was quiet. There was still a soft light coming from the kitchen. Could Harm really be up working? Or was avoiding her? Or was he trying to give her some space?

She was hurt and it did shake the foundation of where she thought they had after all those years. Was the shake enough to bring the house down on top of them? Were they really built on that flimsy a foundation? After all this time, after what they each had been through would something like a lie – a lie of omission – even over something potentially devastating to them as a family really end them? He had said he didn't want to lose her over this, but could Mac really understand?

She did understand. Hell, she understood before she even asked him about it. She knew all about keeping secrets. There were things she would never tell him - painful, hurtful, horrible secrets that she would never tell anyone. Secrets that she barely acknowledged to herself. Does that mean she doesn't love him? Or that he shouldn't trust her? If he found out would he leave her over them? No. Not Harm. Harm would not leave her when she was in trouble, or over something that she had to do, as he had to keep quiet about the paternity of his children. She understood.

It was close to 0400 when she slipped out of bed. She found him standing in the boys' room, looking out on the moonlit night holding a model F14 in his hand. How he had grown and changed, she thought. There was a time when flying a plane was all he wanted to do. There was a time when doing the right thing meant being the hero, risking his life and saving the world or just some damsel in distress from certain destruction. Now he was a hero of a different kind. Now he was a father. And a good one too boot.

Mac entered the room quietly but he still felt her. He turned and watched her check on the boys and adjust their blankets. They were still so small and needed her woman's touch – her mother's touch. She came to him at the window and slipped her hand into his free one.

"Come to bed," she said softly and gave him a gentle pull toward the door.

He resisted enough so that she looked back at him. His face was questioning.

She shook her head to let him know that everything was fine – was going to be fine.

He let her lead him from the room, to their bed, to a few hours of sleep wrapped safely in each other's arms.


	19. 19

Title: **In A Garden**

Chapter Nineteen

By: LizD

Written: February 2004

Disclaimers: No disrespect to JAG's cast, crew or creators. With love and thanks.

**A Garden – Part 19**

X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x

Harm had been in the interrogation room for more than three hours - alone. No one was interrogating him or speaking to him about anything at all. As you could imagine he was not a happy camper. His pounding on the door remained unanswered, as did the reason why he was pulled from his dinner with Kate Pike and hustled down to the station. He was given all the coffee or water he could ask for and permitted to use the facilities, twice, and was allowed to get a message to his mother to make arrangements for the boys, but other than that – nothing. Harm knew it had something to do with Linda, but since he had not been in court for the two days – anything could have happened up to and including a shift of the blame for Walter Lawson's death to some one else. He had seen Linda on Sunday afternoon after he had put Mac on the plane and he knew something was up, but he was still distracted by his parting from Mac.

x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x

The remainder of Thanksgiving weekend with Mac was tentatively fantastic. There were moments when he saw her dealing with the kids like she was their natural mother, and then there were other moments when he thought she was keeping them distant. He thought she did the same with him. When they made love she was intense and real and very, very intimate. But when they weren't alone, there was something missing – the loving look, the casual touch, the private connection seemed gone. He tried to talk with her about it on several occasions, but she denied feeling distant with either him or the kids. Maybe he was over-reacting; maybe he was seeing things that weren't there. Maybe it had more to do with the trial and how hard they were working. Maybe it didn't.

All day Friday and Saturday was spent in the kitchen rereading the files and notes. They had discovered that the security tape to the back entrance of the Lawson Estate had been switched with one from the night before. Until they found out what was on the correct tape, they were not going to share it with the prosecutors or the defense. They put a few feelers out, but nothing had come by Sunday. They both agreed that the detective work done on the case was sloppy at best and never would have been tolerated at JAG. If Linda's lawyer were defending the case rather than pushing the insanity plea, she would have gotten off on a myriad of technicalities. Still, Harm and Mac both felt that the best way to defend her was to find the real killer – if indeed it was not Linda.

By Sunday morning, sadly, Mac's time on the case was done. She was expected in Washington, to help transition Bud back into JAG. She also had to deal with her own promotion – hopefully – and transfer. She would not make it back out until after the New Year. The trial should have been over by then – guilty or not.

The good-bye between them was ruined – for Harm. It was the last hours they had together and he wanted to make them special. He left the boys with his mother and took Mac out to a fantastic brunch by the water. It was just the two of them; so they could talk about anything. The setting was romantic and the food was incredible. Harm was hoping that they could some how reconnect in these last few hours. Sadly, they were talking about a lot of nothing. Harm was being incredibly sweet and attentive. Not that that was unusual, but he was definitely over compensating. That irritated Mac; they were past small talk and sweet talk. While every conversation didn't need to be earth shattering – as earth shattering as Thursday night – it should have contain more substance. There was serious stuff going on in their lives, it should not be ignored.

Brunch was nearly over, when the phone rang. It was Linda's lawyer, Jack Olander. Linda wanted to see Harm. Even though Mac was sitting caddy corner to him at the table, he felt her pull a thousand miles away. In reality it was not Mac that pulled away, it was Harm. He quite literally turned away when he heard who is was and what he wanted. Mac felt the pull and made the decision not to confront him about it right then.

"Well, I guess we better get going," Mac said when he was off the phone.

"I don't have to go."

"Don't be ridiculous, you have to talk to her. Hell, we have been working this case all weekend; she has to know what we found out."

Harm immediately flashed on what Mac had "found out" that weekend and again over compensated. "You mean the great big wad of nothing?"

"If that is what you think we found, then you need to tell her that."

Harm tried to read her expression and couldn't. He braved the next question and he must be given points for that. The old (rather YOUNG) Harm would never have noticed or thought to ask. "Are we OK?"

"I am fine," she stated in her strictest marine reserve. "I am fine with everything that is going on and has gone on."

"But?"

"But I think you need to ask yourself that same question."

"Are we OK?" he repeated as if asking himself. "God, I hope so."

"It is not a matter for hope or God."

"Mac."

She cut him off. "We need to get to the airport."

"We have a little while," Harm took her hand. "I wish this weren't happening."

"Don't you think I know that?"

"What am I supposed to do?" he waited for her reply which was not readily forth coming. "Tell me, I am sincerely asking."

"Harm, helping Linda is not being disloyal to me. Talking to her and seeing that she doesn't suffer for something she didn't do is not about us."

"I know," he defended. "I told you that."

"Then you need to ask yourself why you feel that way."

"I don't."

"Harm, you are the one putting this between us, not me."

He looked like he was about to argue with her; then he changed his mind. "That may be true, but what about the other thing."

"What do you want me to say about that?"

"Say anything. We haven't talked about it since Thursday."

"Harm," she fought her impulse to scream. "I am getting on a plane in just over an hour. I am not going to do this with you now."

"If you had something to say about it, then why didn't you?" he challenged.

She shook her head, chuckled to herself, pulled her napkin out of her lap and stood up. "No, It's not going to happen. I won't let you bait me into this fight."

"Bait you? Fight? So, it is a fight," he was on his feet immediately.

"One sided," she grabbed her purse and her jacket and stepped back from the table. "If you feel guilty about something – you better figure out what it is before you pick a fight with me."

"What do I have to feel guilty about?"

"Only you can answer that. I am taking a cab," she walked away from him.

He of course ran after her after he paid the check and caught her asking the bellman to order her the taxi and get her bags out of the car.

"Sarah, don't," he said from behind.

"I need the valet stub," she held out her hand.

As if commanded he pulled the stub out and handed it to the bellman.

"Sarah, please."

She nodded to the poor bellman who was confused but figured that the lady was the one giving the orders at the moment. He ran off to get the bags.

She turned to him. "I am not mad. I am not upset. I just don't want to pursue this discussion when I have to get on a plane. That is it. I won't end this weekend in a fight. I don't want our next conversation to start with one of us apologizing for something that should never have been allowed to be said."

"And you get to decide that?" Harm was rapidly approaching the moment when he would say something he would have to apologize for.

"Yes," she stared him down.

"Ok," he relented. "Ok, fine. But I can still drive you to the airport."

"I don't want you to. I want you to take care of business."

"Business?"

"Harm, go take care of this. If I could stay and see it through with you, I would. But I can't. I have obligations and responsibilities too."

Her cab arrived and the bellmen put the luggage in the car. She paused by the door. Harm looked miserable and annoyed. She motioned to the driver that it would be a moment and pulled him off to the side so they would not be overheard.

"Harm, I love you. We are going to be married and we will have years and years to look back on this time as another series of events that we survived."

"Sarah."

"Look, all weekend you have been pulling me close and asking me why I am so distant. I never moved Harm. Never stopped loving you or even liking you. Never changed my opinion. It has been you that has been doing all the distancing. You need to figure out why. And maybe a little time by yourself can help you with that."

"We aren't going to be able to do this 'little time' thing when we are living under the same roof."

"We will meet and cross that bridge when we get to it," she smiled. "As we will do everything else. I love you. I have to go."

She leaned in to kiss him but he didn't want to end the conversation so he didn't respond.

She pouted playfully. "Do you really want me to leave without a kiss good-bye?"

Harm put his hands on her face and pulled her to him. It started out sad sweet kiss good-bye but turned into a serious breach in PDA protocol for the colonel, but she forced herself not to be uncomfortable with the bellman and driver watching them.

She pulled away breathless. "I told you, I couldn't stay," she laughed.

"Just as long as I know you wanted to."

"Don't ever question where my preference lies," she said seriously.

"I love you."

She nodded.

"I am going to marry you."

She smiled and nodded again.

The driver impatiently cleared his throat and Harm shot him a look that would have sunk many men to their knees. The driver sat back down in the car.

"I have to go," she turned his face back to hers. "I'll call you when I get home."

He nodded sadly and let her go. As he watched her drive out of sight it occurred to him that he did feel guilty but she was not as 'unmoved' by their discussion on Thursday night as she claimed.

He had to finish this thing with Linda so he and Mac could move on.

x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x

Harm arrived at the hospital still distracted but his last conversation with Mac. He thought about calling her but thought better of it. When he arrived, Linda and the attorney were seated outside in the garden. They looked like lovers, not attorney and client.

"Rabb, thank you for coming," Jack said as he rose and extended his hand to Harm.

"Jack," he looked over at Linda. She looked great. He had never seen her look so healthy and happy, not like a woman who was about to go on trial for her life, not like a woman who had serious mental health issues and prescription drug addictions. "Linda."

"Harm. Thank you." Linda reached her hand up to Jack's arm and pressed it. She motioned for him to leave so she could spend a moment alone with Harm. He did. She turned her attention back to Harm and nodded for him to sit down.

"You are looking well, Linda."

"Thank you. I feel . . . better. Much, much better."

"Olander seems to be . . . well -."

"Thank you for introducing him to me. He is not as good a lawyer as you are, but -."

"But?"

"Well, at least he loves me."

The statement was said with a tinge of sadness and resignment to facts in evidence. Harm felt compelled to say something, but Linda cut him off.

"Don't apologize, Harm. I never gave you a reason to love me."

"Linda."

"I hear you are getting married," she said brightly.

"I am."

"To your pretty marine?"

"Yes," he found his strength. "We will be moving to Virginia."

She just nodded as if he had said they were going to order pizza for dinner. "When?"

"Soon."

She nodded. "You are waiting for the verdict?"

Harm looked down and away.

"Don't wait, Harm. Don't put off what you should do today – right now. That is how I got here."

"What do you mean?"

"I should have killed that bastard years ago."

Harm did not want to hear it.

"I have hated that man since I can remember. He ruined my life. The master manipulator, hell he's probably manipulating the worms that are-."

"Linda," he had to stop her. This was information he just did not want to have. "Linda, don't tell me this. You know that spousal rights don't apply and I will be called to the witness stand."

She laughed. "Oh, I'm sorry. Don't misunderstand. I didn't pull the trigger myself, but I should have. It took his being gone for me to see things really clearly."

"Linda, I have tried to find another suspect -."

"Hey, don't. Don't do that for me. I have every confidence in Jack. He will do what is best."

Harm shook his head. She was confident, self-assured and other than her father there was no bitterness or fear in her. He assumed it was the drugs.

She smiled as if she knew what he was thinking. "I am clean and sober, Harm. Obviously haven't had a drink in five months and I am off all medications. I am normal."

He looked skeptical.

"Truly, and don't think that I am just dismissing the seriousness of what will happen tomorrow and for the coming weeks, it is just that – well, I see a light at the end of my tunnel. I have faith that everything will be fine."

"Well, I have never seen you like this."

She nodded and smiled. "If you had, would things have been any different?"

"I don't know," he looked uncomfortable with her asking.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have asked," she pressed his hand quickly and let it go. "I asked you here today to tell you that I am sorry for dragging you into this mess that was my life and to thank you for all you have done for me."

Was she saying good-bye?

"You have more than paid your dues," she looked down. "I understand that some of the trusts will be challenged. That you won't get – well anything."

"I have had to close the agency."

"For that I am very sorry. My father should have been shot," she smirked to herself. "I know how much that agency meant to you and I know that you helped a lot of people. If there were something I could have done, I would have. Please know that."

"Thank you."

"The house and the other trust will be challenged," she restated.

For the first time since the meeting began, it occurred to Harm that she had not mentioned the boys. "That is my understanding," Harm told her. "They have been frozen and will be turned over to the estate to pay the debts incurred."

"Well, I have rectified that."

"Excuse me?"

"My trust fund was not touched. Daddy's lawyer and I were the managers of it since I was twenty-five. I have turned more than half of it over to you. You should be getting the papers in the mail in a week or two. It is not as much as it would have been, but it will be enough, if you invest wisely."

"Linda."

"There is no argument Harm. It is done. You will do the right thing."

Jack came back. "Linda, we have some more to go over to get ready for --- tomorrow."

"Right," she looked over at Harm. "I'm sorry; we are going to have to cut this short."

Harm stood and Linda slowly rose too. She extended her hand to him. "Again, thank you for everything you have done."

Harm just nodded and walked slowly away. She was acting oddly self-satisfied. He didn't know what to make of it. She was always an odd duck. Maybe Jack was filling her head with lies about what will happen at trial. Maybe she thought that when the jury heard about all the physical and mental abuse her father heaped on her that it was justifiable and let her go. Who knows what she was thinking, but it was clear – she was dismissing him from his responsibility to her. He was just about to walk out the gates when he realized she had said nothing about the boys. Was he supposed to interpret from her suggestion to "move now" that she would not challenge his taking them out of state? Was he supposed to think that the money she was giving to him was child support? Why didn't she even ask about their health? He looked back and was going to go back and ask her, but Jack and Linda were no longer sitting where he left them. Harm chose to deal with it at another time – after the trial.

x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x

Finally Detective Watson entered the interrogation room. It was close to 2130. Harm was livid.

"What is going on Watson? Why am I here?" he asked immediately.

"Needed to chat with you about a couple of things."

"So you keep me waiting for over three hours?"

"Unavoidable," Watson stated with very little concern for the imposition to Harm.

"What?"

"What was unavoidable?" Watson snide tone was already beginning to grate on Harm's nerves. "Oh – you know – this and that. Really, it's a police matter – you navy types wouldn't understand."

Harm's anger was building. "Am I under arrest?"

"Did you do something wrong?"

"Not yet – but keep this crap up and you will probably come up with a couple of charges – when you find all your teeth."

"Are you threatening an officer of the law?" he smirked.

"Not a threat – a promise."

Just then a female detective entered and sat down at the table. "Mr. Rabb, or is it Commander?"

"Whatever," he barked at her.

"I am Sergeant Shana McNulty. We are very sorry to have detained you. The situation got a little out of control." Watson stepped to the back of the room to be out of Harm's eyesight. "We just need to ask you a couple of questions, and then you are free to go." McNulty continued.

"Ask," he sat back down.

"You were familiar with Walter Lawson."

"You know I was."

She was reading from the file. "Actually, yes, what I was referring to was your father-in-law's-."

"EX-Father-in-law."

She nodded to him. "My mistake, ex-father-in-law's murder."

"Yes," he kept his answer short.

"In fact, I understand that you have been doing a little investigating on your own."

Harm did not answer.

"We know you have, Rabb." Watson sneered behind him. "Every person you interviewed told us that they just got done answering the same questions for you."

"Yes."

"As an officer of the court," McNulty continued. "Is there anything you would like to share with the San Diego Police Department?"

Harm took a long look at her but opened his mouth before he engaged his brain. "You do some pretty shoddy work," he stated. "There was so many holes in this case I could drive a truck through them. Your forensics was incomplete and you never bothered to look for another suspect."

"Another suspect," she repeated. "Which brings us to why we are here tonight."

"Oh?"

"We think there may have been some other person or persons involved – if not the actual murder, then in the subsequent events."

"You are just looking into this now?" Harm ignored the last part of her statement.

"Well for the last four or five hours."

Harm was confused.

McNulty continued. "When was the last time you saw your wife – sorry ex-wife?"

"Sunday."

"When on Sunday?"

"Around 13, 1400," Harm stated flatly.

"For those of us who live with the twelve hour clock, Rabb," Watson lobbed from behind him. Watson knew military time, but never missed an opportunity to dig Harm about it.

"Between One and Two in the afternoon, Watson." McNulty said rudely to her partner to save Rabb from having to answer. "You have not seen or talked to her since then?"

"No, what is this about?"

"How about her lawyer? You know her lawyer, Olander, Jack Olander."

"Yes, I know him. We don't play tennis together but I know who he is."

"When was the last time you spoke with him?"

Harm thought for a moment. "He called me earlier today – around noon. I didn't speak to him. He left a message."

"What was the message, Rabb?" Watson leaned down next to Harm and said into his ear.

"He asked me to call him."

McNulty interrupted. "You didn't speak with him?"

"No."

"Did you call him back?"

"I did, it went to voice mail. I assumed he was in court."

"Or out of range." Watson added.

"Out of range?" Harm asked.

McNulty again took back the interview. "When was that?"

Harm looked up trying to remember the time. "I don't know. I guess it was after 1700 – after five this afternoon."

"He called you at lunchtime." McNulty recapped. "But you did not feel the need to return the call until five o'clock," she did not let him speak. "Right, right, you thought he would be in court."

"So I guess you are not following this case too closely." Watson jeered again. "I would think you would be riveted and dying to watch the gavel to gavel proceedings."

"I have a job and two sons to take care of," he stabbed back at Watson.

"And the welfare of their mother is not important. Interesting." McNulty took a few notes.

"Considering you spent all that time investigating the case trying to find a way to pin this on some other poor sap."

"I suppose you have an alibi for noon to six for today." McNulty was posed to continue note taking. "Witnesses who will say where you were and what you were doing?"

"I was at the office."

"All afternoon?" Watson asked.

"All afternoon," Harm repeated.

"Why didn't you answer the phone when Olander called?" McNulty looked up at him over her glasses.

"I was in a meeting."

"At lunch time?" Watson charged.

"I often meet for lunch."

Watson didn't let up. "Guess your boss is getting the most for her money."

"In your office?" McNulty confirmed.

"In my office." Harm was done with the tag team. "Will one of you just tell me what is going on?"

"Why don't you tell us?" Watson accused.

Harm glared at him.

"Mr. Rabb, commander, your wife – ex-wife has gone missing. Seems that she never made it back to the hospital from court today. You wouldn't happen to know where we could find her?"

Harm was stunned to silence.

"We would ask her attorney, but he is 'unavailable' for comment as well." Watson added.

"What are you saying?" Harm was still not quite grasping all that they were saying.

"Court was canceled this afternoon." McNulty explained. "Some emergency with the judge. We were notified at five tonight that Lawson never made it back to the hospital. And no one has seen her since noon."

Harm shook his head.

"Olander was found dead in his apartment this evening at six o'clock – single gun shot wound to the heart." The sergeant finished.

"Just like the old man. Where is she, Rabb?" Watson said again into his ear. Harm snapped a look at him. "Bolivia, Cayman Islands, Timbuktu?"

Finally Harm understood. Linda had apparently run with the help of Olander but he had gotten a bullet for his troubles.

"Mr. Rabb." McNulty pulled a picture out of a file and pushed it over to him. "Do you know this man?"

Harm looked down at the picture. It was a still from the security tape the night that Lawson was killed. The man in the picture was looking up briefly at the camera. It was Sean O'Dae. Harm was on his feet immediately.

"So you do know him." McNulty repeated.

"Where are my kids?" he was panicked. "I need to see my kids."


	20. 20

Title: **In A Garden**

Chapter Twenty

By: LizD

Written: February 2004

Disclaimers: No disrespect to JAG's cast, crew or creators. With love and thanks.

**A Garden – Part 20**

X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x

Harm blasted into his house twenty-five minutes later with McNulty and Watson in tow. He had spoken to his mother and the boys were home and everything was fine, but he needed to see for himself. The detectives were reluctant to release him. He had hurriedly explained that the man in the picture was Sean O'Dae, an ex-employee of Lawson's and the ex-lover of Linda's who had skipped the country to avoid prosecution over two years before. He was sure that O'Dae would be the one to get her out though he had no idea that he was in the country currently, obviously he was in the country the day Lawson was killed. Harm asked where they got the picture and they told him that they had found the tape in Olander's apartment.

Harm continued by saying that the roll Jack Olander played was a mystery. He and Linda had both told Harm that they were involved romantically, but considering he was dead, Linda must have been using him. When questioned why Harm thought his children were in danger, he could not tell them the truth. He explained that Linda's erratic behavior could cause her to do anything up to and including kidnapping his sons and taking them out of the country. At this the police were also interested in hearing what the sons had to say. Harm agreed to be the one to ask the kids if they had seen or heard from Linda in return for Watson and McNulty driving him home immediately – lights and siren blaring. He had called Mac from the patrol car to let her know what was going on, but could barely hear her so promised to call later.

Harm blew past his mother not noticing a very distraught Mariana standing in the living room and went directly to the boys' room. They were still up playing quietly together waiting for him to get home. It was late and they were tired. In one quick movement he had them both scooped up in his arms and was hugging them tightly to his chest not caring who saw the tears of relief dripping down his face.

"Too tight," David squeaked. "Too tight."

Harm at once loosened his hold on his sons. He squatted down and let them stand and he sat down on the floor in front of them refusing to let them get too far away.

"Where were you, Daddy?" Zander asked.

"I'm sorry. It's late. I should have been home hours ago. It is long past your bed time," he smiled and brushed the hair back off his son's face.

"Gramma said we could stay up," David said with a yawn.

He laughed. "It's OK. I'm glad you're awake." The boys will probably never know exactly how happy he was to see them; Harm struggled to contain all his anxiety – well as much as he could.

"I am not tired," Zander proclaimed.

"No. I bet you aren't." Harm wiped his eyes and looked back at the detectives standing in the doorway. "What did you guys do today with Mrs. Johnson?" he began.

"She made us eat tuna fish for lunch," Zander stuck his tongue out.

"And wouldn't let us watch the movie," David added. They were into the latest Pixar animated story, Harm watched it once with them, but they could watch it for days.

"Did you do anything fun?"

"Mariana took us to the park," they said in unison.

"The park? Was that fun?"

"No," David declared. "There were too many big kids; we couldn't go on the swings."

"We got pushed on the merry go-round," Zander added.

"Who pushed you?" he asked.

"Mommy's friend," Zander said without thinking and David pushed him to get him to stop.

"You saw mommy's friend today?" Harm checked his voice as not to alarm them and looked up at McNulty quickly who was now taking notes.

"He told us not to tell," David admonished his brother.

"We can tell Daddy," Zander pushed his brother back.

Harm stopped the pushing by pulling them further apart but still keeping them close to him. "Of course you can tell me. You can tell me anything," he smiled to let them know he was not mad. "You saw Mommy today too?"

"She was at the park," Zander decided to tell the whole story. "With a nice man who bought us ice cream and pushed us on the merry-go-round."

"Ice cream?" Harm was livid that Mariana didn't put a stop to it or call him immediately when she saw Linda, but he would deal with that later.

"I got a fruit and juice bar," David said proudly knowing that his father was not in favor of ice cream. "Zander got a chocolate sundae," he stuck his tongue out at his brother.

"He said I could," Zander defended.

"Haven't we talked about taking things like toys and candy and ice cream from strangers?" he commented gently.

"He is not a stranger," Zander stated.

Harm's heart sank. No, Sean O'Dea was no stranger, if indeed it were O'Dea. He motioned for the picture from McNulty. "Is this Mommy's friend?" he showed the picture to the boys.

The both shook their heads. "No."

Harm relaxed. It must have been Olander that went with her to the park.

Zander corrected. "He said is name was Sean."

David helped his brother. "He is mommy's friend."

Harm continued. "So what did mommy say?"

"She said she missed us," Zander explained. "And she kissed my face," he wiped at where his mother had kissed him.

"We told her we missed her too, was that OK Daddy?" David didn't want to upset his father.

"Do you miss her?" he asked.

"No, she hugs too hard and baby talks to us." The honesty of children is sometimes painful for adults to hear.

Zander continued. "She said she was flying away in an airplane."

David butted in. "I asked if you were going 'cause you are the best pilot in the whole wide world."

Harm pulled his son closer to him. "What else did she say?"

"She wouldn't see us for a long time, unless -." Zander looked up at the people in the doorway and got scared.

"Unless what?" Harm's panic started creeping up his spine again.

"Unless we wanted to go with her," David finished Zander's thought. "I said 'no.'"

"I said 'no' first," Zander chided.

"You said 'no'?" he asked wondering why Linda would ask and not just take them.

"Cause you would get mad at us," Zander explained. "Is that right, Daddy?"

"I would be very sad if you went away without me," he agreed. "But I would only be mad at Mommy."

David added, "I don't want to go with her. I want to go to Virginia with Auntie Mac and Hailey."

"Virginia?"

"You said we were going, Daddy," David pressed.

"And Auntie Mac said soon," Zander helped his brother.

"Auntie Mac said that?" Harm asked.

"She said for Christmas - and there would be snow and a Christmas tree and lots of presents."

"Is that what she said?" he had no idea that Mac even talked to the boys about their moving or the holiday.

"We have never seen snow before, have we Daddy?"

"No, you haven't."

"Have you?"

"I have."

"What's it like?"

"It is cold and wet – sometimes," he exhaled and tried to relax. "Let's talk about that tomorrow. So that is all that your Mommy said?"

"She hugged us hard – just like you did," David accused.

"Her friend shook our hands like we were big boys," Zander said proudly.

"You are very big boys," Harm agreed. "Did your mom say where they were going?"

"It is by the water and we could eat cocoanuts all day."

Harm looked up at McNulty. She shrugged. "And then they left?"

"They had Marianna take a picture of all four of us," Zander said.

"She wanted to remember her family."

Harm's heart was breaking.

"Then they drove away in a big white car the kind with lots of windows and is really long," David finished the story.

"I wanted to go for a ride in it," Zander said.

"Did you ask?"

"No," he shook his head. "Cause you would be mad."

"You're my boys." He pulled them very close. It is so hard to explain to them that 'getting mad' is about keeping them safe, but whatever it took to get them to do the right thing was fine. Sometime in the future, when they had kids of their own, they would understand, until then it was working. For Mariana, on the other hand, there would be hell to pay.

"Are you mad at me for eating ice cream?" Zander asked.

"A little, but today was a special day and I think we can forgive this one, but not next time," he warned.

He looked up at the detectives who nodded and left.

"OK, time for you to go to bed."

The boys both yawned as Harm tucked them in. "Daddy when are we going to Virginia?"

"Soon."

"Tomorrow?"

"Maybe." Harm wanted to get them as far away as possible and booking a flight to anywhere was a good idea. He didn't want to place his hope in that that Linda was so far gone that she would never come back.

"Daddy?" Zander sat up in bed; Harm sat down next to him. "Will Auntie Mac be our new mommy?"

David sat up. "Will she?"

"Would you like that?"

"I like Auntie Mac."

"I like her more," David countered.

"I love her," Zander one-upped.

"I love her best." David finished.

"Boys, this is not a contest, Auntie Mac loves you both very much."

"Can we call her Momma Mac instead?" Zander asked.

Again his sons blew him away. How could they know exactly what to say and when to say it?

Harm didn't know how to feel about any of it. Was Linda really gone? Had she really left her kids behind? Would they ever hear from her or O'Dae again? They still had a murder charge hanging over them in addition to all the other charges against him. Not really the best role model for young kids. Would they really take the chance of coming back, even for their kids? If they had really wanted them, they should have taken them that day. Maybe for once she did a totally selfless act and left them where she knew they would be loved and cared for, rather than taking them away from the only parent they ever knew, out of the country and hiding from the law for the rest of their lives. Was he really free from the Lawson plague? Could he really move on with Mac, let his sons think of her as their mother with no consideration (or very little) for their birth mother? Was it really best for the boys to grow up not knowing their natural mother and father? Should they know her – and him? How would Mac feel about all of this? It was too much in one night. The joy he felt was tempered by the idea that it may not really be over. It will be a fear he will have to live with for the rest of his life – well for at least the next ten or fifteen years, after that the boys will be old enough to make up their own minds.

"Daddy, are you crying?" David got out of bed and came over to him.

Harm's hand immediately went to his eyes. Yes, he was crying. "I am just happy and tired. Time for me to go to bed too," he smiled at both of them. He re-tucked David in, checked the window to be sure it was locked and pulled the baby monitor from the drawer and turned it on.

"Daddy?" Zander asked again.

"Go to sleep now, boys," he sighed. "We will talk more in the morning."

Before he could deal with the police, his mother, Frank, or Mariana, he needed to talk to Mac. Again the phone call was not long. He hit the highlights and assured her that everything was Ok and that he would call her in the morning. He knew she must have been frantic. She was. He gained strength just from hearing her voice, knowing that she loved him and that there was a light at the end of the tunnel. She offered to be on the next plane. He had opposite travel plans. He was getting the hell out of Dodge.

X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x

Nineteen hours later, Harm and the boys were in Virginia anxiously awaiting Mac to come home. He asked her NOT to take the day off, he wanted her to save her leave for the holidays. There was no snow on the ground but there would be soon. They picked up Hailey from the admiral's house. AJ and he had a quick but very meaningful conversation. The new family went shopping and planned a surprise dinner for Mac.

Mac had court and some other things to finish but was still able to get home a little early. Harm met her at the car as she drove up. He still looked distraught.

Mac was very concerned. "Where are the kids?" she asked hugging him.

"Inside. They are fine. They have no idea that anything is wrong."

"Is that why you are out here waiting for me?"

His answer was to pull her tightly to him.

She held on to him. It killed her not to be with him the day before. When he called her at midnight, she was still awaked and worried. During the night when he hadn't answered his cell phone, she knew something was wrong and was becoming very alarmed. When she found out something potentially devastating to them very nearly did happen, she was angry with herself for not being there.

"I'm sorry I wasn't there," she whispered.

"Hey, you were," he exhaled. "And having you here is so much more important."

"Are you OK?" she asked.

"Now, I am," he pulled back, brushed the hair away from her face and kissed her. "Can I stay here with you?" he asked in a little boy voice.

"Only for forever." They kissed again.

The kids came barreling out of the house and Harm and Mac did not have a private moment until the kids went to bed. Mac was in the living room futzing with the fire when Harm entered from the boys' room.

"I hope you don't mind us barging in like this," he said with a handful of towels in his hand. "I needed to get away – no, actually I needed to be with you."

"Don't be ridiculous, Harm," she assured him. "This is your home. All of us."

He slumped down on the couch and sighed, "Our home - that sounds so nice."

She joined him and sat very close. "David and Zander asked if they could call me Momma Mac," she said with a tinge of tear in her voice.

"Did they?" he smiled and took her hand in his. "Is that OK with you?"

She needed to find her voice. "Yes, it is fine with me. You?"

"Sarah, the fact that my children love you as much as I do and that you love them – is more than a man like me can hope for."

"A man like you?"

"Flawed, fallible -," he looked up at her. "Bad dresser."

"Harm."

"I am grateful everyday that you are in my life – anything else is icing on the cake."

"I have a lot to be thankful for too," she leaned her head down so it was resting lightly on his shoulder.

They sat quietly for a little while. She thought she felt him tensing up, like he was running the events of the last day over in his mind. "Do you want to talk about it?" she asked gently.

"Do you need to hear all the gory details?"

"Only if you want to tell me," she sat up and brushed the hair back off his face and let him pull her hand to his lips.

"Not now," he stated.

She nodded. She knew there was something on his mind; she just needed to let him get it out in his own time. She waited.

"There is something," he said tentatively. "You are the only one I can talk to."

"What is it?"

"Sarah, ever since we talked on Thanksgiving night – well hell, it was probably there before but I was able to ignore it."

"Ignore what?"

"I have this nagging relentless tiny voice in my head telling me that I have selfishly stolen those boys from their parents – their rightful biological parents. Even last night when I thought Linda and O'Dae could have taken them, that voice was telling me I had no right to stop them."

"Oh, Harm."

"But you know I would have hunted Linda down to the ends of the earth to get those boys back with me," he added. "Nothing would have gotten in my way."

"I know that."

"What does that make me? A thief? A criminal? No better than Linda and O'Dae?"

"You are not a killer, Harm."

"I have killed people."

"You are not a murderer," she corrected.

"What right do I have to do this to two innocent children?" he looked at her.

"Harm, Linda gave those children to you."

"They are not puppies Mac, you can just give them away."

"I don't know what you want me to say? Do you want me to confirm that you stole them?"

He shrugged as if to say, if that is what she believed then she should say it.

"No, I won't say that. I don't believe it."

He looked away not trusting her answer. That was what was between them over Thanksgiving. He didn't believe her so he distanced himself from her.

"Harm, if Sean O'Dae – regardless of all his legal issues, came to you and said that he wanted custody, what would you have done?"

"I don't know – probably fight him in court."

"And you would win."

"They would be behind bars, of course I would win," he looked up at her. "But obviously Linda and O'Dae don't respect the court. She could change her mind. Come back and get them. Do I have a right to stop them?"

"You have a responsibility to stop them – to those boys"

"Do I?"

"You know you do," Mac took a deep breath. "Harm, if she wanted them with her yesterday or wanted them at all from the beginning, she would have done things differently. You did not steal those children, they were left on your doorstep and you stepped up and did what neither their mother nor their father could or would do – and that is love them selflessly. That is what being a parent is all about. You are more their parent than either Linda or Sean O'Dae."

He looked at her and for the first time he believed she meant what she said. "I can't lose them," he said near tears.

Mac wrapped him up in her arms and rocked him. After a long moment she whispered. "I love you and I love those boys. We will do everything we can to not let anyone hurt them." She paused to see if he would respond and then added. "Harm you are not alone anymore."

He looked up into her eyes and pulled her down to kiss her. He repositioned himself on the couch so he could hold her. "How you are?" he asked.

"I am better," she slipped her arms around his waist. "I don't have to sleep alone tonight."

"Never again," he kissed her head.

They sat in a comfortable silence listening to the fire and feeling each other breathing.

Harm's softly said, "Sarah, I'm sorry."

"What horrible thing have you done now?" she said playfully.

He pulled back to look at her. He was serious. "I hurt you and I am sorry," he was referring to the incident on Sunday at the brunch. "I don't ever want to hurt you - again."

"Your apology is accepted," she kissed him. "We are both still learning about this relationship . . . process."

"It is not as easy as they make it look on TV," he said.

"Nope, no sunsets and happily-ever-afters for us," she sighed and leaned back into him. "But I think we handled it pretty well. It could have been really ugly."

"Back in the JAG days it would have been," he laughed. "I remember the fire in your eyes when we would fight - ye-ow-za. Damn, you were passionate."

She sat up and sat back in a mock appall. "Were? Passionate?"

"You know what I mean," he dismissed her mock ire.

"You want to see fire in my eyes, sailor?" she ripped open his shirt – buttons flew everywhere. She straddled him. "I'll give you a lesson in passion like you have never known before," she tore open her own shirt, which shocked and excited poor defenseless Harm. She descended on his neck and chest like a voracious passionate beast – kissing, biting and nipping. Her hands were searching and her nails were scratching.

It took Harm a moment to get his bearings, but when he did he was giving it right back to her. This kind of passion he would get used to. He pulled her mouth to his, swept her up, locked her legs behind his back and carried her to a more private location to finish the lesson.

X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x

Harm went back to San Diego twice before Christmas. Once to clean out the house; he had rented it to Kate Pike. And once more for the hearing about his involvement in Linda's escape. They were now referring to it as an escape rather than her "going missing," he chose to tell them everything he knew and though he did not know much, he shared what he could and what his suspicions were. He talked about it a lot with Mac and they both agreed that Linda and O'Dae should be found; if only to help the Rabb/MacKenzie family sleep at night.

He also had to share with the court (under Kate Mendolson's direction) that a week before Linda disappeared she had transferred a large sum of money to the children and to Harm. Each child had an account in the Cayman Islands with $250,000 in it and Harm had an account with $500,000. That is a million dollars. Free and clear with no restrictions on it (well I am sure the government will find a way to tax it). Harm was the cosigner on the boys' accounts. The money was very generous of Linda; and the accounts for the boys meant to Harm that she really did have no intention of taking them with her, but it made Harm look very guilty of abetting a fleeing felon. After a great deal of research, it was resolved that there was nothing illegal about where the money came from or how and why it was transferred. Harm and Mac discussed it and chose to ignore it until the boys needed it. It was hard to ignore a million dollars but they did.

Harm also presented an email he had received from Linda from an anonymous account. It had an attachment of the picture taken in the park and a request for Harm to not let the boys forget her. Harm had no idea if the email was traceable, but he did not want to hide anything. After hearing from several character witnesses including Lawson's lawyer, Harm was absolved of any responsibility and was requested to provide any additional information that he came across to facilitate locating Linda Lawson and Sean O'Dae in the future. That was a request he was prepared to fill.

Neither trip west was over night, he was back before the family went to bed.

The rest of the time he spent in Virginia being a house-husband and father. He sent Mac off to work everyday and he stayed home with the kids. He needed some time off and spending it with Hailey, David and Alexander was the perfect way to rejuvenate. He started making plans for the remodel of the kitchen and created a list of the other projects he wanted to do. With the exception of the remodel (which he needed Mac's input) he checked the whole list off before Christmas. He often met with AJ for lunch or whatever. Harm was still a little envious of AJ and Hailey's closeness, but kept reminding himself that it would take a little time. Harm promised Mac that he would start looking for a job in January or February. Mac didn't care as long as he was happy. Mac was not supporting the family. Harm's final paychecks and commission from Kate's would be enough to carry an officer through to June.

On Christmas Eve Mac got news of her promotion and her transfer. She would start with General Weston on January fifth. There was already an event planned at Mac's house (Harm was in charge) with the old crew from JAG: the Chegwiddens, the Roberts, Sturgis and his girlfriend, Chloe and her boyfriend, Coates and her boyfriend, Victor Galindez was back in town and was invited. There were several other people that Harm did not know including Admiral C Wendy Strickland. She flirted with Harm and suggested that if he ever wanted to come back the Navy full time a position at JAG would be waiting for him. Harm didn't like her, but didn't let it show. The whole night became more of a celebration for Mac's promotion and transfer, a great time was had by all.

Just like the old days, someone stayed behind with the kids, and the rest went to Christmas mass. This year, Harm and Mac stayed behind. After the Roberts kids were collected and sent home, Mac and Harm bundled the children up and made the trip to the Viet Nam War Memorial, a trip Harm had not made in four years. It was an incredibly special and unifying experience for Harm to bring his family to the wall on the night his father went down thirty-nine years prior. The boys didn't really understand, but they knew it was important. Hailey was a smart girl and asked her mother if this was like going to Stella's Garden. Her mother nodded, and said that it was just like that. While they were their, as if it were a gift from above, it started snowing. The boys were beside themselves with joy and Hailey joined right it. Harm hung on to Mac and was entirely content. He let the turmoil from the prior year go, and hung on to everything he had found.

The month had been wonderful. Harm and Mac didn't fight and didn't want to fight. The Rabb men slipped into the MacKenzie house as if they belonged there. The kids were as good as kids could be; of course they were three and two. It would be more difficult when they reached six, twelve and seventeen. Mac and Harm talked openly and honestly about everything, agreed on much of the parenting techniques (though not all) but they supported each other in front of the children. There really was no need for big discussions – at least not yet. Everything was great. Somewhere in Mac's mind she knew that they were on a little bit of a high or what some would call a honeymoon, that their lives together would not be so easy or happy – at least not 24/7. That didn't frighten her. For the first time in her life, she saw exactly where she wanted to be and how she wanted to get there in twenty, thirty and forty years. The man that slept beside her was always in the picture.

On New Year's Eve morning, Harm and Mac got to sleep in. Chloe had come and taken the children sledding. They took the opportunity to reaffirm everything that they appreciated about the other verbally and non-verbally. Mac lay comfortably in his arms enjoying the peace and quiet of their time together. She made a decision.

"Harm?"

"Right here," he whispered sleepily.

"Will you marry me?"

"I asked you that."

"Will you?"

"I will," he stated.

She sat up on his elbow and turned toward him. "No, I mean will you marry me today."

"Today? Why today?"

"Because it is a good day to say I love you."

"Better than tomorrow? Or in the spring?" he laughed at the absurdity of it.

"I'll marry you again then, if you want, but – let's do it today."

He was still not sure if she was serious. "Sarah?"

"We'll go out and find ourselves a justice of the peace and do it."

He smiled. "Virginia is for lovers?"

"Exactly." She leaned into him. "What do you say?"

He thought for a moment. "I say OK."

"Really?"

He kissed her. "Really."

"What about the kids?"

He shrugged. "Take them with us."

"What?"

"Yeah – this is about more than just you and me. They should be there."

Now she was a little taken off guard. "And then what?"

"We'll come home and order a pizza and ring in the New Year as husband and wife."

She rolled the idea over in her head and she liked it. "Ok," she jumped out of bed to go meet her wedding day.

Harm leaned back and watched her as she dug through her closet looking for something to wear. "Sarah, are you sure?"

"Sure about what?"

"Are you sure you don't want a white wedding with all the trimmings and our friends there?"

She didn't know how to answer that. "Is that what you want?"

"Wedding's are not for the grooms – that's what wedding nights are for," he smiled slyly at her.

"That is a load of bull. Do you want to wait and plan this? Get married at Annapolis?"

"No I don't. I never have. All that hoopla is not my style," he flashed her his grin.

"Are you sure?" she came back over and sat on the edge of the bed.

"Are you?"

"I asked you first."

"Sarah, I told you before – you are it for me, you are all I need. Tuxes and dresses and cakes – that is not what promises to love honor and cherish are all about," he pulled himself up. "Besides, I like the idea of getting married on New Year's Eve. Says something about the year past and makes vows to the years ahead."

"Are you turning into a romantic on me?" she stroked his face.

"I have always been a romantic, you never wanted to see that side of me."

"You mean there is more for me to discover about you?" she leaned in close to kiss him.

"Baby, I will keep you guessing for years."

"Promise?"

"You bet."

"Promise not to call me 'baby'," she laughed.

He pulled her down on top of him and kissed her. "Oh BABY!" They laughed. "Come on, Baby. Let's go get hitched."

X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x X x


	21. 21

Title: **In A Garden**

**Epilogue**

By: LizD

Written: March 2004

Disclaimers: No disrespect to JAG's cast, crew or creators. With love and thanks.

**In A Garden – Epilogue**

x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x

The sun was casting long shadows across the yard on a perfect late spring evening. The flowerbeds were stocked and blooming and the trees had been pruned back. A warm breeze carried the scent of honeysuckle and fresh cut grass. Harm stepped out the back door, cracked open his well-earned beer and surveyed the work he had accomplished that day. He made mental notes of what was left to do. The backyard had been turned into a lovely garden in preparation for the wedding. Harm had been working on it for weeks.

"It looks great, Dad," David said coming from the driveway still dressed in his uniform. "Not bad for an old man," he clapped his father on the shoulder and continued on into the house.

Harm had to agree; it did look great and he was an old man. He pushed a hand through his more salt than pepper hair and said a silent 'thank you' for still having enough hair to put his hand in. He would be turning seventy that year. It was hard to believe with all the living he had done that he made it to seventy. He didn't feel a day over thirty-five – at least in his mind, but his body was another story. It took a few more grunts and groans to get out of bed in the morning and he didn't move as easily as he did in his youth. He had not fully retired from his practice but he had a lot more time on his hands to -- to garden? He laughed at himself; he was an old man.

A roar of laughter came from the kitchen. His children were home and together for the first time in a long time filling the normally quiet house with love and laughter. They all had grown up smart, accomplished, happy and remained very close in spite of everything. Harm admired their play, their banter, their competition, their youth. It reminded him of the way he and Sarah had been – in the beginning.

Sarah. His eyes went to the rose garden he planted for her. Everything was for her. He wished she were there.

"Hey Dad," Zander called from the kitchen door. "You making dinner or are we calling for pizza?"

"Pizza," he called back without looking over his shoulder.

He wandered off to the edge of the yard to futz with the roses. This was his favorite time of the day, time to reflect, remember and plan.

"Dad?" Hailey's voice came from next to him. He hadn't realized he has been seated on the bench staring into space for several minutes. "Dad, are you OK?"

He looked up at her – his daughter – technically his stepdaughter, but that technicality had been overlooked by both of them for years. Alan was never much of a father and was not part of Hailey's life. Harm flashed her that flyboy smile that he still had, "Of course, why wouldn't I be?"

"You looked – I don't know - pensive."

"Pensive? I guess," he slid over to let her sit with him. "Is that a bad thing?

She sat down next to him and covered his hand with hers. "The boys ordered pizza. It should be here in an hour."

He got up to go snip a couple of dead leaves.

"You've created a lovely space here," she called after him still concerned by his mood.

He nodded.

"It didn't look this nice when I got married," she added playfully.

"You gave me a week's notice," he laughed at her. It had been a running banter they had had for years.

x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x

:: :: :: :: F :: L :: A :: S :: H :: B :: A :: C :: K :: :: :: ::

Hailey had always been mature for her age. All she wanted to do since she was a little girl was to be grown up. She had taken on more than an oldest child should, she maintained the order in the family in the dark years and she studied. She studied very hard, graduated from High School at 17 and completed her undergrad at 20 and was well on her way to completing her masters in political science when she met Kyle Sullivan. She was completely swept off her feet. He was seven years older, a writer, a poet, an artist, a classical musician and a dreamer. He was working on his third attempt at a doctorate. They had known each other for less than six weeks when Hailey came home to announce their engagement … which was actually more like an invitation to the wedding the following weekend except that there was no where, no when, no who and no how. All she knew for sure was that it would be the next Saturday. Mac was of course not home; she was overseas and would not be back until the day of.

Harm had never met Kyle, but from what he heard, he assumed that he never would. According to the rest of the family he was a flake, a loser, and not Hailey's type at all. Kyle was a perpetual student, a free spirit, a child of hippy parents and his stated goal in life was to never work to earn a living. His 'art' would never amount to enough to keep the lights on so his prospects were a nonexistent. He was anti-government, anti-military, left of left's left, so he had little to discuss with Rabb/MacKenzie clan. To his credit, probably his only credit, he had charisma and he used his power for good. While he was not capable of following through on any project, he was able to bring people together, get them motivated and moving in a good direction. He was an instigator and was able to start many organizations that did a lot of good charity work including the Virginia Chapter of Habitat for Humanity, Food for Foreign Lands, Kids for Kid's Sake and numerous others. Harm still didn't like him at least he didn't like him for Hailey.

"Come on Dad," Hailey prodded. "You must have something to say."

"I think 20 is a little young to make that kind of commitment." He swallowed hard. "I can't believe I am going to suggest this, but why don't you two live together, and in a couple of years …"

"I am 21," she corrected.

"At 21 I couldn't commit to a pair of socks."

"Dad, I want you to be happy for me … I want you and mom to stand up with me."

"Stand up with you?"

"Well … it's not like we will be getting married in a church or anything …. We were thinking sunset on a beach or sunrise in the mountains or by a lake at midnight … it will be a full moon this weekend … anyway, you two are my best friends and I want you to stand up with me."

Harm just shook his head. This was not his daughter. She was nothing if not by the book, like her mom.

"You won't?"

"Sit down, Hailey," he directed. "I have never seen you like this," he added.

"Happy?"

He shrugged. "If that is what you want to call it." He studied her for a moment. "May I at least meet this person before he marries my daughter?"

Hailey's smile faded and she got a very serious look on her face. She never forgot to give thanks that Harm was in her life and that he wanted to be her father. "I don't know what I would have done if not for you, Dad."

He wrapped his arm around her. "That's a very sweet thing to say."

"It is true. You have been so good to me. Your trust and faith and guidance … you taught me to believe in myself … I don't know what would have happened …" She started to tear up.

"Hey, sweetheart … you were an amazing person when I met you, I was just lucky enough to be there to see you grow up."

She shook her head, she wasn't about to let him brush his contribution to her life away so easily again. "Alan let me down in so many ways before I was 5 that I expect there was never any hope for a relationship with him."

"Your father was a troubled man."

"Alan was a loser," she declared. "Thank God he was out of my life."

"Come, come, Hails … you should speak like that about him."

"You have!"

"There was a time when I was very disappointed about how your father --."

"You are my father," she interrupted.

"How he treated you."

"Disappointed? You ripped him a new one!"

"I did no such thing … and how did you know?"

"I was listening in the other room … it was my thirteenth birthday and he had promised to take me to dinner and a play."

Harm nodded, he remembered the day vividly. It was a difficult time for Hailey. She was becoming a teenager and she was confused about where she belonged in the world. She was the only Shea in the house. Though Mac had not taken the name of Rabb, she was Mrs. Rabb to all her children's friends including Hailey's. Harm didn't want to overstep his bounds, and it was clear that Alan was between he and Hailey and that was OK. He couldn't love her any more.

On the day of Hailey's birthday (another pancake breakfast – it had become a tradition), Alan called and got Mac. He didn't have the guts to speak to Hailey himself and tell her that he was not going to follow through with his promise nor had he planned to (no tickets were bought). It was going to break the little girl's heart. She had been looking forward to it for weeks, had gotten a new dress and told all her girlfriends. Mac told Harm privately and waited until after breakfast to break the news to Hailey. Other plans were quickly made – a party with the family and to include whomever Hailey wanted, but it was clear that Hailey was more than disappointed.

Harm hatched a plan of his own without telling Mac or anyone. It took a little doing, but within an hour a flora truck arrived. The driver delivered a corsage for Hailey with a note that asked her to dinner, just the two of them. It was signed: _**with all my love, your other father**_. It was a perfect night and a bonding experience that neither ever forgot. It was her first date and it set a standard that no man could ever meet or exceed. At the end of the night she hugged him hard, and whispered in his ear, "You are not my OTHER father, you are my only father. I love you, Daddy."

The following day Alan called to try to make it up to Hailey, Harm blasted him for being insensitive and cruel among other things. He had no idea that Hailey was listening.

"So about this wedding," Harm brought them back to the topic at hand. "I think both your mother and I expected to have had a bit more of a traditional wedding for you … at least one with more than a week to prepare and maybe a chance to get to know the man you have chosen to spend your life with, but speaking only for myself … I support your decision."

"Thank you Dad."

"Once you have your mother's blessing – which I am sure that I can facilitate if need be; I suggest that you have it here, in the garden – it would make your mother happy … and me." He took her hand, "You can pick everything else – sunrise, sunset, when the moon is high."

It hadn't occurred to her, but she did want to get married from home. "Not much of a garden, Dad."

"Give me a week and it will be beautiful."

:: :: :: :: E :: N :: D :: :: :: F :: L :: A :: S :: H :: B :: A :: C :: K :: :: :: ::

x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x

"It was beautiful," she acknowledged.

They fell back into a comfortable silence. Harm kept futzing with vines and plants.

"I remember the day you and Mom got married," she said, hoping to draw him out.

"You can't possible remember that day – you were three years old," he knew what she was trying to do. She was baiting him into telling her the story again, like she had a million times growing up.

"I remember it like it was yesterday," she laughed. "It was the hottest day of the summer."

"It was the coldest day of winter," he sat back down. "There was a blizzard."

"Mom wore a sleeveless cotton summer dress with big blue flowers."

"She wore a white winter coat, gloves and we all nearly got frost bite."

x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x

:: :: :: :: F :: L :: A :: S :: H :: B :: A :: C :: K :: :: :: ::

Harm's memory was closer to the truth but it wasn't that cold, and the 'blizzard' was lightly falling snow, only enough to set a mood.

It was New Year's Eve morning. Sarah got the wild hair idea of getting married that day. Harm agreed. So they told no one what they were doing, bundled the kids into the car and drove in search of a justice of the peace in a romantic setting – outside. Harm nearly choked when she said she wanted to get married outside.

"Mac, it's snowing out," he protested.

"It's beautiful," she cooed to woo him to her side.

He loved how happy she was and relented quickly. "Mountains or the water, milady?"

Without hesitation – "The mountains."

Harm headed west. They drove for hours – close to four - and the kids were getting antsy. She was about to give up on the whole idea, when – as if by magic – a gorgeous bed and breakfast appeared. The sign read "Lady Rockingham – The Garden Gate Inn". It was perfect. Harm sweet-talked the innkeeper, Ms. Pitts, to helping him find a justice of the peace that would come out. It turned out it wasn't that hard to do, the justice of the peace was her husband and he was home for lunch, and they were both a bit on the romantic side.

The inn had only two guests, Mr. and Mrs. Brandon. They were an older couple from Florida who had come up for the Christmas holidays. They readily agreed to act as witnesses. Mrs. Pitts had suggested they use the wedding garden in the back of the house – designed to be used in the warm weather but it was still a lovely setting. The hedges, benches, grass and trees were completely covered with fresh snow. It looked like a fairy tale. Mr. Pitts asked about rings. Neither Harm nor Mac had thought of them. Sarah suggested that he use her engagement ring, and they would get wedding bands later. Then there were the vows, Sarah had wanted to write hers, but now she was too excited. They agreed to the 'standard' wedding. The kids were being good, but all they were interested in was playing in the snow.

Mrs. Brandon pulled Sarah upstairs for some quick girl talk and to give her a chance to get ready in private.

Mrs. Pitts came out of the kitchen with a large bag full of rose petals. Her husband had given her roses on their 47th anniversary (Christmas Eve) and the roses had since died. She gave the bag to the kids and told them to go outside and spread the petals all around the garden. Harm watched her instruct the children. She looked up at him after the kids were gone, "For color," she stated simply and followed after them.

Sarah came down the stairs with her hair freshly fluffed and her make up redone. She was the more beautiful than Harm had ever seen her before. She was lit from within. She had on off-white wool pants, an off-white wool sweater that hugged her in all the right ways, a winter white wool coat that came to her ankles, a deep burgundy wool scarf and matching beret. On her lapel was an enamel pin of blue Larkspur with some very tiny diamonds that shone brightly that Mrs. Brandon had loaned her. It was her something borrowed and something blue. She told herself that the new was her boots (she had never worn them before) and the old - well that was her love for the man she was marrying.

She stepped down the stairs and crossed to meet him. He could not take his eyes from her.

"Hi," she said tentatively.

"Nervous?" he asked.

"Nah. You?"

He smiled. "Nah – my knees always knock when it is cold."

"Or when you get married?" She touched his arm.

"Well then too," he covered her hand with his.

She took a deep breath and let it out slowly.

"You sure you don't want a big wedding with all the trimmings? Your friends? Lots of flowers? Heat?" He added playfully.

"All I need is you and the kids … this is perfect," she said seriously. "Thank you for doing this."

"Thank me? For allowing me share your life? Sarah, I am the one who will forever be in your debt."

"We'll call it even."

He held out his arm to her. "Shall we?"

She smiled and took his arm. Just before they crossed the threshold she turned to him and said, "I love you."

He turned her so they were facing each other. "Sarah, I have loved you as my friend, my partner, my adversary and my lover. You have been ahead of me, behind me, beside me and apart from me, in laughter and tears, in conflict and harmony and every step between for as long as I can remember. I promise you today to be your devoted husband, your trusted partner, father to your children, but a friend to you first - always. I will be a better man just for having you by my side."

"Harm, I ask of you what I ask of me – to be none other than ourselves, loving what we know of each other, trusting what we do not yet know, in all the ways that life may find us. Today I give my self over to us – an us that will be better, stronger and bigger than the sum of our parts. I will be a better woman just for having you by my side."

Harm was about to kiss her, when Mrs. Brandon cleared her throat. She had tears in her eyes and could barely speak. "Save it for the ceremony, kids," she said and hustled them out the door.

Mac's breath nearly caught in her throat at the site of the snow white covered garden sprinkled with red rose petals. It was lovely. The kids waited not so patiently with Mrs. Pitts and Mr. Brandon.

Mr. Pitts cleared his throat and began. "We are gathered here on the eve of a New Year to join Harmon Rabb and Sarah MacKenzie in the bonds of holy matrimony. If any one here present can show legal cause why they may not be joined, let them speak now or forever hold their peace."

Mr. Brandon cleared his throat and rubbed his arms. "How about reason to speed this thing up?" he grumbled.

"Billy!" his wife scolded.

They all laughed and Harm nodded to Mr. Pitts to continue and speed it up – a little.

"Harmon, will you have Sarah as your lawful wedded wife, to live together in the state of matrimony? Will you love her, honor her, comfort and keep her in sickness and in health, forsaking all others, be true to her as long as you both shall live?"

Harm looked at Sarah. "I will."

"Sarah, will you have Harm as your lawful wedded husband, to live together in the state of matrimony? Will you love him, honor him, comfort and keep him in sickness and in health, forsaking all others, be true to him as long as you both shall live?"

"I will."

"The ring," Mr. Pitts helped.

Harm pulled out the ring and Sarah pulled off her glove.

"I, Harm Rabb take Sarah MacKenzie as my wedded wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better of for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish until death parts us." He slipped the ring on her finger.

Sarah held his hand in hers. "I, Sarah MacKenzie, take Harmon Rabb, as my wedded husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better of for worse, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish until death parts us."

They smiled brightly at each other and turned back to Mr. Pitts.

"For as much as Harmon and Sarah have consented together in wedlock and have witnessed the same before this company of their children and new friends, and have given and pledged their promises to each other. By the authority vested in me by the state of Virginia, I pronounce this couple to be husband and wife."

Harm stood motionless for a moment, at a loss for what to do.

"Kiss her you fool before we all freeze to death," Mr. Brandon barked.

Harm did as he was told and all the company clapped and tossed fresh snow on the couple.

:: :: :: :: E :: N :: D :: :: :: F :: L :: A :: S :: H :: B :: A :: C :: K :: :: :: ::

x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x

"And then we all made a snowman and drank hot chocolate," David finished.

Harm and Hailey looked up to see his other children standing a few feet away.

Zander chimed in. "Jeez Dad, if I had known you were gonna go all moody on us like this, I would have brought down the photo albums."

"Yeah … go get them," Hailey encouraged. "I haven't looked at them in years."

"Hails – you need to call your old man." David told her. "He said he can't find the can opener … probably used it in some damned Object d' Art."

Hailey excused herself and went up to the house muttering about how useless her husband was.

"So you are in a story telling mood, eh Pappi?" Zander asked.

"No, she baited me into it," he said.

"Why don't you tell the one about the time you pushed the tomcat with your windscreen by its tail hook."

"Or when you shot holes in the JAG courtroom."

"Or when you landed the C130 on the deck of a carrier."

"Or the time you resigned your commission and flew down to Paraguay to rescue Mom from certain death," Zander couldn't stop himself.

Harm looked at his son quickly, the hurt and pain clearly on his face. It was not the events in Paraguay that hurt Harm anymore; it was the retribution that Sadik Fahd had finally reaped that was still so close to the surface it hurt.

"Tell about the night I was born," Maya's voice came from behind.

They all turned to look at her. She was a lovely young woman whose appearance and voice were identical to Mac's with one exception. Maya Rose Rabb had piercing blue eyes, just like her father. She came over and sat down.

"Tell the whole story, pappi," she encouraged.

That story started long before the night she was born, but there were certain family histories that even the kids don't need to know about.

x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x

:: :: :: :: F :: L :: A :: S :: H :: B :: A :: C :: K :: :: :: ::

Harm and Mac were married on New Year's Eve December 2008, three days shy of the eleventh anniversary of the day they met in the Rose Garden of the White House, four and a half years after they parted in the backyard of the Roberts ending their silly baby deal and a friendship that appeared irreparable and eight months after they found each other again. The marriage started out like most marriages do – that's why they call it a honeymoon period.

Harm struggled with what to do for work. He had interviewed and had been made some very generous offers, but he could not bring himself to work in the private sector again – it didn't seem rewarding enough. His lovely wife was making an enormous impact on the war on terrorism – well she would be, once she got going. He needed to do something rewarding too. They talked through every scenario and discussed it from every angle, and it was decided that Harm would either have to go back to the Navy as a lawyer, try to recreate the child advocacy agency EAST or he could spend more time with the kids and do his own business repairing and restoring furniture, houses, cars or aircraft (pretty much anything that needed to be restored). After much back and forth, agreements were made; they decided to try the business. If it didn't work out in six or eight months, then he could go back to practicing law. Mac was behind him 115%.

Because Harm's schedule was so much more flexible than Mac's, he took on the primary duties of shuttling the kids back and forth to day care. That was one of the major selling points of the business; he could make his own hours and spend time with the kids. He tried working at home, but that lasted one day. He found an old barn on a neighbor's property that he was able to rent for a song – but he had to fix it up. That was his first project. The first couple of months, business was far from booming, but it was enough to keep him working and bringing in some income. Mac never thought of herself as a primary breadwinner. Of course that lasted for a short time, Harm was not the kind of man to let his wife take care of him. With a little hustle he was bringing in a sizable amout of money, if he could keep up the pace it would be just slightly more than Mac's at the end of the year. Harm was still very competitive.

Mac's job was fantastic. General Weston sung her praises loud and long and she was allowed to make a major impact on the division. She hadn't remembered ever being so thoroughly challenged.

Things were clicking along as they often do when parents of small children are involved. Days and weeks and months went by with the big news items ranging from the twins dressing them selves, Hailey reading a whole book or the constant struggle to find a baby sitter one night a week so the parents could get out and talk (the average was closer to once every two weeks).

The good news was that there were no murders to solve, mysteries to unravel, lives to save. It was – dare it be said – normal - boring. They were not happy 100% of the time, there were still the adjustments to make for all five of them: some times Harm would work until three or four in the morning out in the garage, Mac had more meetings at 6AM then anyone should ever have, the twins were becoming very competitive and often needed to be separated, and Hailey was getting bossy with her new "little brothers. But in general it was a pretty happy family and the couple that headed the family was making conscious efforts to keep their vows and be a true and devoted partner.

Along about the fourth or fifth month of the 'wedded bliss' Mac was feeling something. She really didn't know what. At times she felt that things were too good and at others that something was missing. Harm would have had to agree, but it hadn't gotten to be a talking point between them.

They also had developed quite a little community of friends both old and new. The group from JAG (the Chegwiddens, the Roberts, Turner, and Coates) were still very close and usually there was something go on with one of them that would cause a gathering of some kind.

One of those events that stood out in memory from the rest was AJ's 10th birthday. It was a completely different type of celebration than the others. In fact, he wanted to go sailing with ten of his friends. Reluctantly mother gave up her plans and allowed the 'men folk' to take the boys sailing. So on Saturday morning Bud, Big AJ, Harm, Sturgis, and four of the other boys' fathers took Little AJ and ten of his friends, David, Zander and Jimmy sailing around the Chesapeake and out into the ocean.

It was a boys only trip, which made Hailey and Cassia whine, but they honestly didn't know what they were missing, they were just mad that they were left out cause they were girls. Mac, Harriet, Meredith and Jennifer were also a little teed off. Actually they weren't; they were thrilled to death to have the men out of their hair for a day and night. It was decided to have AJ's party without him. Some of the mothers were invited to.

That afternoon the women were sitting outside in the warm spring sun dishing on everything from movies stars to their husband's worst faults. It was actually fun. All of the women held very high-powered jobs in the military – with the exception of Harriet who had remained part-time administrative on purpose to spend more time with her kids. It was nice to chat like young silly girls for a change.

The conversation turned to children. Of course someone asked about AJ's birth – since it was the 10th anniversary. Harriet told the whole story from start to finish not leaving out a detail, including Bud getting stuck in the elevator and the admiral delivering her baby in his office.

"It was an amazing experience," Harriet laughed. "Here I was, lying on the floor of the admiral's office, military officers lining the halls and no one new what to do. They were all useless. Then my CO – a man I feared more than I respected – comes stumbling in on the whole scene and just takes over, like it was the most natural thing in the world."

"That's why he is the admiral," Jennifer added.

Harriet continued. "I remember Harm looking terrified. I held his hand so tight before Bud got there I thought I was going to break his fingers."

Mac was quietly watching the whole scene. She was smiling and remembering what happened after AJ was born. She asked anyone if they wanted refreshments on their drinks. All of them said yes, so Harriet helped and followed her to the kitchen.

"Mac, what were you thinking about?"

"Me? When?"

"Just now. You had this far away look on your face like you were remembering a nice memory."

Mac laughed. "I am not sure if it is a nice memory – but it is funny – and kind of interesting – in a strange way."

"What was it?"

Mac was unsure if she wanted to share this little piece of ancient history, but she thought that it was all moot now, so she dove in. "It was the day AJ was born. After I saw you and Bud drive away in the ambulance I got a little moody and misty and wondered if I would have a child of my own."

"That is normal – but not funny," Harriet coaxed.

"Well, Harm was standing next to me and noticed. He asked me what was wrong – so I told him."

"Go on."

"He offered to make a deal with me – these were his words – 'if neither one of us were in a relationship in five years, we would go halves on a kid.'"

Harriet was appalled. "I hope you slapped him in the face."

"What? Why would I do that?" Mac was shocked.

"After all that man put you through – that was the best he could come up with?"

"Harriet, you have to remember this was at the beginning of our relationship – before Mic and Renee, before Paraguay. We were friends, just friends – good friends."

"You two were never 'just friends' and a 'friend' would never have made such an offer. He was in love with you and that was his piss poor attempt at telling you that."

"I never saw it that way," Mac said in defense of Harm.

"So what happened?" She asked.

"We made the deal – well we shook on it."

"But that would have been five years ago – neither of you --."

"Harriet, five years ago so much damage had been done to our relationship it is a wonder that we even want to be in the same room with each other now."

"You seem to have figured it out."

Mac smiled. "Yeah, we are doing fairly well," her smiled broadened at her obvious attempt to play down how truly happy, content and complete she felt with Harm.

"Fairly well? Bud has never looked at me the way Harm looks at you."

"Harriet, Bud loves you."

"Yes, yes he does. But not like that."

Mac pictured Harm's face in any number of settings and she had to admit he almost always was looking at her with genuine love and honest to goodness lust. For a man his age, she had expected him to slow down – but she wasn't complaining.

"So what about now?" Harriet asked. "When are you two going to follow through on the deal?"

"Oh, Harriet – I am over forty."

"You are going to be forty-one in a couple of months. You are strong and healthy and -," Harriet stopped remembering her own fear at having another child after her Sarah had died. "Look at me Mac. It won't be like that again," she got teary eyed. "Look at me – I had two more after --," she couldn't finish her sentence.

Mac wrapped an arm around her and gave her a hug. "Oh, come on now."

"I'm OK," Harriet said. "Tears are OK. Cleanses the soul," she smiled and wiped them away. "So?"

Mac didn't know how to answer, so she lied. "I am not sure if Harm wants to have any more children – we have a full house as it is."

"You are kidding me. You mean you haven't discussed it?" Harriet didn't believe her for a moment.

"We talked about it – we tabled it."

"How long ago?"

"Last September."

"That was before you got married,"

Mac nodded.

"You haven't discussed since then?"

"Nope."

"Colonel, Mac, Sarah – do us both a favor – do more than talk about it."

Just then the men came back. They weren't due back until the next day, but there was no wind and the boys started complaining that they were gypped and wanted to go home to play video games. The party had moved home.

Late in the afternoon Harriet came up to Mac and told her to take her husband and go home. The kids were going to spend the night. AJ's friends were staying over, the twins needed to stay for Jimmy and Cassia needed Hailey. Mac offered to stay and help or to at least take the girls – Harriet sent her home with instructions.

Harm accepted the offer quickly – he was done with that many kids for one night. They arrived home and he stayed out in the garage puttering. It was still very early. They talked about going out to dinner, but Mac said that a night home alone in their house was just what the doctor ordered. Harm agreed. An hour went by and Mac was still turning over Harriet's words in her head and Harm showed no signs of coming in. The mountain had to go to Mohammad. She brought him a beer.

"Thanks, babe," he said taking a long hit.

"Haven't I told you a million times that I hate those 'terms of endearment.'"

"Should I call you 'colonel'? Or just 'ma'am' when we are alone like this," he smiled and continued what he was doing.

She didn't answer and let a couple of moments go by as she formulated her question. "Harm?"

"Yah Huh?"

"We were talking today about the day AJ was born," she started tentatively.

"Who?"

"The ladies and I?"

"I hope you didn't tell anyone about our deal," he laughed knowing for sure she hadn't.

"Why not?" she got defensive.

"You told – oh my god – who did you tell?" He was not angry as much as surprised and embarrassed.

"Harriet," she answered weakly.

"Now she'll tell Bud and Bud will tell Sturgis who will take out an ad in the Navy Times."

"Is it that big a deal?"

"Being made fun of for something stupid you did ten years ago? Not a big deal, but worth enough razzing to make a friendly game of basketball uncomfortable."

She looked sad. "So our deal was something 'stupid'?"

He realized she was actually serious about the conversation. "It was a stupid thing to say; it was a silly thing to agree on."

"Why?"

"It just was," he thought for a moment. "Kids should be conceived in love – not because of a deal."

Mac paused for a moment. "Harriet thinks it was your inadequate attempt at telling me that you loved me – even back then," she looked like a little girl trying to be strong.

"Is that what she thinks?" He leaned back to give Mac his full attention. "I'll bet she didn't use the word 'inadequate'."

"'Piss poor' were her words."

"That sounds like Harriet," he came over to her and wrapped his arms around her. "Come on, why the long face? This is ancient history."

"Is it?"

"You know I love you and we both know that I screwed up A LOT – but I am making up for it."

"I don't want you to make up for it," she pouted.

"So what is going on?"

"I want us to make good on that deal – five years late," she said in a very tiny voice.

"What?" He bent down to look directly into her face.

"I am asking you to go halves on a kid with me."

"Sarah, I am sorry – we leaped from ancient history to the rest of our lives in a pretty quick jump. Are you seriously saying you want to have a baby with me?"

"I always have," she said earnestly. "Ever since we made that stupid deal," she grinned.

His face broke into a broad grin. "Are you sure?" He tried to contain himself. "I mean we haven't talked about it since that first time we talked about it."

"Are you having second thoughts?" She asked.

"Not at all, but we do already have three kids, are you sure you want a fourth one?"

"Yes."

"Yes?"

"Yes. Harm, you are a wonderful father and a better husband I could never hope for. I want to have your baby and I want you there with me every step of the way – from conception until they day he or she gets married and beyond."

His smile was uncontainable. "Well, with your looks and my brains – he'll be perfect."

"What if SHE has your looks and my brains?"

"Nothing says we can't try for two," he swept her up in his arms and spun her around. By time her feet hit the ground again he was kissing her and her knees were too weak to stand.

:: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: ::

Several weeks later Harm was struggling to get the kids dressed to go over to the Chegwiddens' for BBQ. They were not cooperating with the game plan. He was frustrated not just at them but Mac was taking forever getting ready. Eventually, after the third time Hailey changed, and the boys refused to find matching sneakers, he was done. He needed to shower and chill out. THE MOTHER – would handle the rest of it. He came blasting into the bedroom and slammed the door. It was meant to let the kids know he had reached the end of his rope; all it really did was skew some of the pictures on the wall. Mac came in from the bathroom as Harm was stripping down. Her hair was still wet, but she was otherwise dressed. She was lovely. Harm walked past her, slapping her on the behind to let her know he saw how beautiful she looked.

"Get the lead our marine – you got the troops to dress."

"A trio of three year olds too much for you commander?" she tossed after him.

"I'd like to see you do better," he called from the shower.

She sat on the bed and waited. He was done in minutes – still showering like he was on board ship. She heard the water start running for the shave; it wouldn't be long now. She waited. Moments later he came out of the bathroom half shaved with a towel wrapped around his waist with something in his hand. He looked confused.

"I left that for you," she smiled. "Should I show you how to read it?"

It was the stick from a home pregnancy test. "Does this mean what I think it means?" he asked slowly.

"It means that if you are planning on kissing me, you better wipe your face off," she beamed.

A smile slowly crept over his face. "You're pregnant?" There was a secret part of Harm that was worried that he couldn't have children. He had never been 'caught short' before and in the course of their relationship, he and Mac were cautious but not overly so. He had honestly assumed that she would have gotten pregnant by accident in the first seven months they were living together. Since their decision to try to have a baby, he harbored the fear that it would not happen for him.

"You're pregnant?" He repeated.

"I prefer to think of it as 'we are pregnant', but yeah," she couldn't wait any longer. In two quick strides she was in his arms and they were kissing – shaving cream be damned. "Can you handle one more, Harm?" She asked knowing what his answer would be.

"With you, I could handle a dozen."

:: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: :: ::

It would be very improbable to think that Maya was conceived the night of AJ's tenth birthday. However, exactly nine months from that night was Valentine's Day, Maya's birthday. The pregnancy was a piece of cake – rather soufflé. Mac felt great through every trimester. The morning sickness was minimal, her energy level never waned and she worked until the last day of January. Harm was good to his word. He was with her every step of the way from doctor's appointments, Lamaze classes (which was actually making another major comeback in 2010), and monitoring her diet and nutrition. He was not over the top; he was just very prepared and very willing to make her life comfortable. One thing he was surprised at was his libido. If he was within ten yards of her – not even in the same room – he had to be near her, to touch her, to hold her hand, comb through her hair, rest his hand on her swelling abdomen and yes – reenact the conception. Good thing for Mac, this time her libido was high too.

He made plans to build on another room – actually two. One was supposed to be for the twins and the other would be their office. He kept it a secret from her (as much as he could). The one room was for the baby, the other was a master suite on the second floor. It was a very large space that could accommodate all her closet needs and his, their desks and all the other essentials of a bedroom including an adjacent bath. It also had a bank of windows that looked south over the back yard (later to become a garden) and the ten acres of federally preserved wooded land. It was ready on Christmas.

Hailey, David and Zander were very excited about the changes in the house, the changes in their mother and the expected arrival of a baby sister. Interestingly enough, pretty close to everyone in the house wanted the baby to be a girl. Harm had two boys; and he looked on Hailey as his own – but he still wanted a daughter, maybe just for the symmetry. Mac too wanted a daughter and she had no explanation for why. None of them were disappointed.

The night Maya was born; Harm had taken Mac out to her favorite restaurant. It was the best place in town to get a chocolate soufflé, which was all she really wanted. They had thought that she was at least another week away. It was a nice evening. Harm gave her a diamond choker (she would not allow him to replace the engagement ring) and she had given him a new watch. Dinner was over and they were waiting for the soufflé; that was when Mac felt the first contraction. She was unconcerned. The dessert arrived and she felt the next one. She was able to maintain her composure for the first one but the second one got Harm's attention.

"Sarah?"

"It's nothing," she took a bite of her soufflé. "Very good," she smiled.

"Honey, something is up."

"I just felt a little contraction, that's all."

Harm leapt into action: got the car brought around, paid for the meal, called the hospital, called the doctor, called the baby sitter. The whole time Mac sat eating her soufflé.

He got her to the car – they brought the Vette that night which hadn't been driven in four months. Before they could make it to the car, it had sputtered and died. Harm remained calm until Mac let out a yelp.

"Uh, Harm? I think that was a big one. My water just broke."

Whatever was wrong with the Vette would have to wait. A couple drove up in a limo. They noticed the commotion and offered their limo to take them to the hospital. Harm readily accepted. He pulled the driver out, tossed him in the back and put Mac in the front seat next to him. He drove like a bat out of hell because now the contractions were getting closer and his normally stoic marine was screaming in pain. He drove them to the wrong hospital. He got her in, registered and to a room with minimal amount of interference from the staff. Her doctor arrived a little later than he expected. Sarah was fine. It was going smoothly, but she was in pain too.

At 2356 Maya Rose Rabb made her first appearance into the waiting loving arms of her father. Harm had stayed with Mac the whole time, but when the doctor asked if he would like to delivery the baby – he welcomed the opportunity. It was the most amazing experience they had ever had as a couple. She watched his eyes as they darted back and forth between her and their child. She saw everything – their past and their future – reflect there.

"We have a daughter," he smiled up at her as the nurse helped with the baby. He immediately slipped her on to Mac's stomach. With a great deal of instruction, Harm took care of the cord, cleaning the baby's mouth, all that birth stuff and then the three were allowed a moment to breath in the new life.

"She is absolutely stunning," Mac said.

"Just like her mother," he kissed her temple.

:: :: :: :: E :: N :: D :: :: :: F :: L :: A :: S :: H :: B :: A :: C :: K :: :: :: ::

x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x

"And then someone switched the babies at the hospital and we wound up with this imposter instead," Zander taunted his sister.

She dove off the bench and pinned him on the ground in seconds. "Uncle," she demanded.

"Oh Mia Oh Maya – I think you're on FIR-YAH --."

She pulled his hand up behind his shoulder blades. "Uncle."

"Cousin Grace on my aunt's side, who is twice removed from my brother's mother's sister's, daughter's, father's --."

She tweaked his ears.

"UNCLE."

She let him go. The pizza guy arrived and she told Zander that he had to pay for it.

The four children trotted off leaving Harm to remember the rest of the story, the part of the story he never told anyone. He sat up with his newborn daughter sleeping in his arms all night. He studied every thing about her. He was inches away from his wife, who for the first time in months was able to rest comfortably. She woke often, reached her hand out to him and drifted back to sleep. Some time during the night something clicked in Harm, something very powerful. He had known his responsibilities to his sons. He accepted them readily when he thought they were his, and willingly and selfishly when he found out they weren't. When he and Mac were married he also understood and welcomed the responsibilities he had to her and Hailey. But there was something different about the obligation he had to the little child that he helped to create. The duty, the commitment, the debt he owed to this small human was not something he knew or accepted, rather he felt it deep in is soul. She was the Rabb that would carry on after he was gone. He made her promises to provide for her, protect her and never let anyone hurt her for as long as he lived.

They were promises he could not keep.

"Hey Dad, come on. We order a Vegi one just for you," David called from the kitchen.

Harm got up slowly and made his way to the house. He took one last look at the yard in the dying light of the day. He again longed for her to be there.

x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x

Harm joined his kids for pizza.

"Hey Dad, another beer?" David called from the fridge as he was grabbing drinks for everyone else.

"Snapple," Harm said. He rarely drank anymore – one beer at most – there was a time when he was using it to dull the pain, but he recovered from that a long time ago.

The children were shining stars in his life. Hailey had grown up strong and beautiful. She married poorly but was really trying to make it work. She worked as an analyst for a little known division of the government known as The White House. She was very young for landing that job, but she was good. She had yet to have children, but they were in the works.

David and Zander had continued to be inseparable. They had gone to Annapolis and graduated with identical GPAs – highest in the class, which was pretty amazing since their performance in high school was less than average. It took a whole lot of strings being pulled to get them in the first year. They of course went on to be aviators like their father. Another first for the Rabb sons was to be placed as Pilot and RIO on a carrier. Both were accomplished pilots, Zander was better (but only slightly). Both could manage the back seat, David was better (but only slightly). As a team they were unbeatable. They out flew every other pilot they went up against by a mile. Again strings were pulled, brothers were not normally placed together but that rule was not enforced as much as the one about husbands and wives. Neither one of them had found the woman of their dreams, but they kept looking.

"Dad," David said handing him his Snapple. "Did I tell you we got a letter from Linda today?"

"No," he was only half interested. "How is she?"

"Fine. Wants us to bake her a cake with a file in it," the boys laughed.

x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x

:: :: :: :: F :: L :: A :: S :: H :: B :: A :: C :: K :: :: :: ::

Linda had come back to the states about eight years ago. The boys were in their first year of college. Apparently, Sean had finally blown through all her money, and his and got caught up with some bad people. He was killed in a drug deal that went south. Linda came back and was immediately put in jail. When Harm found out, he contacted the boys to tell them the whole story. It was time. Well at least before their mother did.

Harm met his sons for lunch the day after he got the call from Linda. There was a lot of chatting about school and how hard it was etc. etc. etc. Harm was not hard on his boys so much as he just expected a lot, a lot more than he ever expected of himself. They would follow his "advice" but still found ways to bend the "rules" and have fun. Like him their quality was so high that people forgave them the boundaries that they pushed. On this day, Harm was not doing his typical fatherly counsel session.

"What is going on, Dad?" David asked.

"Boys, your mother is back," he said flatly.

"Didn't know she left," said Zander.

"No, I don't mean Sarah, I mean Linda – your mother."

"Oh," David answered for both of them. "Well she was bound to come back sometime."

Zander looked away and watched the beautiful women walking by.

"You know that the charges against her are still pending," Harm continued.

"So she should be locked up, right?" Again David spoke for the brothers.

"She has been arrested. And will go on trial," Harm took a deep breath. "She wants to see you."

At that Zander spoke, but never took his eyes off the women. "It's good to want, builds character," he turned and glared at his father. "Or that is what our mother would say – our REAL mother," he turned back.

"Zander, I understand that you are angry with Linda."

Zander turned back in utter amazement. "Angry? I am not angry with her? I don't feel anything for her at all. Hell the only thing I should feel for her is gratitude. She gave us to Mom, a woman who loved us unconditionally and unselfishly," he looked at his brother. "Can you imagine if she had taken us the day she left? Damn, we would have wound up like O'Dea. Dead in some back alley of a third world country."

Harm was lost. It seemed that his sons had a lot more information than he had given them. "How do you know about O'Dea? And how do you know what happened to him."

"We can read, Dad," David said coolly. "The internet is an amazing invention, should have gotten on the band wagon back in the 90's.

"We read all kinds of things," Zander added. "Even stuff that is hidden."

"What does that mean?" Harm asked.

Zander and David shared a long look, Zander nodded to David to 'go on.' David cleared his throat and took a deep breath and began slowly. "Dad, I don't know how to tell you this, but we have known about Linda and O'Dae since we were what?" He looked at his brother.

"Twelve?" Zander offered.

"Eleven?" David asked.

"Somewhere around there," Zander shook it off. "Doesn't matter – we know."

"What do you know? How?" Harm was still confused.

"Dad, please, just cause you have a safe in your room doesn't mean that we don't know how to get into it," Zander laughed.

"The safe?"

David tried to explain. "Dad we were kids and you are so predictable. We knew the combination was either mom's birthday, your wedding day or the day you met," he took a quick look at his brother.

"Third time was the charm," Zander grinned and the brothers clapped hands.

"Why?" Harm was still amazed. This was a side to his sons that he never knew.

"Why? Are you kidding? That's what kids do," David looked a little more shamed than his brother.

"Didn't you ever miss those ATM withdrawls? Should change your pin too."

Harm was floored. "You took money from my account with my ATM card."

"We paid you back," David defended.

"Those twenties didn't just magically appear in your wallet," Zander was cockier about their youthful larceny.

Harm shook his head. This was history. "So what do you think you found in the safe?"

"Your weapon for one."

Harm's eyes flared red.

"We didn't touch it. I swear," David said.

Zander backed him up. "We didn't.

"So what did you touch?" Harm continued.

"We found the DNA reports," David said quickly. "We know that – well we know what you never told us," he was strangely not bitter but could still not say the words.

"What you should never have had to tell us," Zander continued. "Dad – it's no big deal."

"It isn't," David assured.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I meant to, but it just got harder and harder."

"Dad, really, don't beat yourself up over this. We don't care what those papers say. You're our father."

"And Linda can bark all she wants, but Mom is our mom."

"I can't believe you lived with this all this time," Harm was proud of his boys.

"You lived with it for longer," David added.

"Did you tell your sisters?"

"No. We told no one. In fact, I don't think we ever talked about it after that day, did we?" David looked at his brother.

"I never thought about it," Zander laughed. "But I have to tell you it made me understand why curiosity could kill a cat. We nearly got caught and almost killed ourselves climbing down the back trellis."

Harm laughed. "You are both coming to the house this weekend and fixing that. It has never been the same."

"Yes, sir," they said in unison.

Harm didn't know how to proceed. "So Linda."

"Should we see her?" David asked. "Is that what you want?"

"You are adults now and can make your own decisions. Do what you think is best."

Zander and David exchanged a look. David spoke first. "What about mom?"

"You mother understands."

"OK," Zander said.

And that was the end of it. They never spoke about Sean O'Dae again nor did they discuss their communication with Linda other than to say it happened. Harm was proud of his boys for recognizing what is important in life. He was able to breath a sigh of relief that the dirty little secret he kept for nineteen years would no longer be a wedge between them even it if were only in his mind.

That night Harm got home and his wife had left a message:

_**Dinner date with two gorgeous men; couldn't turn it down, don't wait up.**_

It wasn't the first time she had gotten such a message.

She got home near 1AM escorted by her sons. They were all singing and laughing. Harm came down the stairs in time to see them each kiss Mac goodnight and hug her hard.

"I love you, Mom," David said.

"I have always loved you more," Zander countered.

"I love you both too, now go to bed!" she ordered and pointed up the stairs.

"Nah, we have class in the morning," one of them explained.

"Besides, I think you have a little explaining to do of your own."

Mac looked toward the stairs; her husband was waiting for her. "You should be in bed."

"As should you," Harm stated.

"That's our cue … gotta go Mom." They kissed her cheeks and quickly left.

Mac watched them go. "You have very special children," she said barely loud enough for him to hear.

"Yes we do," he agreed.

:: :: :: :: E :: N :: D :: :: :: F :: L :: A :: S :: H :: B :: A :: C :: K :: :: :: ::

x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x

Dinner was over and Maya started cleaning up, Hailey and the boys took over and sent her to put on some music and get the game. She was a sensitive woman and full of life in spite of what she had gone through. It was generally understood that Mac was the head of the family, Harm was its backbone and strength, Hailey and the boys were its limbs but it was Maya who was the heart. Maya held the family together like glue in the rough times as well as the good times.

Harm followed her into the living room.

"What should we listen to Dad?" she asked.

"Your choice, I am going to bed."

"So early?" she cajoled. "Don't you want to play just one game. I will be your partner."

"I am a little whipped tonight. I worked pretty hard today and I am not as young as I used to be."

"You are as young as you feel," she smiled.

"Then I am close to ninety-six." He took a long look at her. Harm saw Sarah in all Maya's features, yet she was her own woman.

"Dad? You getting moody again."

"Old man's prerogative," he stated.

"Dad, everything will be fine."

"I know," he pulled her into a tight embrace. "I love you, sweetheart."

"I love you too, Dad," she said squeezing him back.

x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x

:: :: :: :: F :: L :: A :: S :: H :: B :: A :: C :: K :: :: :: ::

After Maya was born there were a lot of changes in the Rabb/MacKenzie household. Harm when back to lawyering full time. He wanted Sarah to have the opportunity to stay home with her daughter and the rest of the children - if she wanted to – for as long as she wanted to. It was not that he didn't want to stay home, but he honestly felt that children that small should have their mother around. He felt guilty that his sons never had that. So he joined a very high profile firm that had been courting him the entire time he was back in the Washington area. His salary quadrupled what the two have them had been earning. His refinishing business was now a hobby. He was not happy in his work, which put a strain on him and on the marriage, but he was bringing in money and providing for his family.

After an extended maternity leave (Mac actually worked part time from home), she went back to the Pentagon. Mac needed to work. That also put a strain on the marriage as it would any marriage. There were peaks and valleys, and a lot more days in between. In the end, nothing was able to blot the commitment they had to each other. It was not as bad as it sounded, there was always love if not companionship. But they had time for that – or so they thought.

For nearly nine years, Harm and Mac had been lulled into a false sense of security. Yes, Mac was working on preventing terrorism but that was all so far away. Harm's clients were all corporate hogs who's only really crimes were white collar or environmental; death, destruction and events that were out of their control seemed like things that happened to other people. They believed their days of playing action hero were over. That was until the day Clayton Webb showed up in Harm's office.

"Mr. Rabb, there is a Clayton Webb here to see you. He doesn't have an appointment," Harm's secretary was very protective of his time.

"Clayton Webb? The man does not know how to make appointments," he said gruffly. "Show him in."

The man who entered was a mere shell of his former self. He was older, as was Harm, but the years had not been so kind to him. Harm was shocked at the sight of him and his annoyance at the man showing up out of the blue over a decade and a half later was gone.

"Rabb, looking good," he said with a thin dead voice that was struggling to find its youthful swagger.

"Webb, you look like hell," he motioned for the man to sit down. "What happened to you?"

"Sadik Fahd," Webb sat down.

"You have been chasing him all this time?"

"On and off," Webb noticed the pictures on Harm's desk. "You are a lucky man Rabb, you have always been a lucky man." Clearly Webb still had feelings for Mac. "I went to see your wife today."

"She is out of town," Mac was presenting a study to the international anti-terrorism group meeting at The Hague.

"That is where I came from," Webb said cockily. He still loved to show that he had all the intelligence that he needed as his fingertips. "She was in a meeting and I couldn't wait, so here I am."

"What is going on?"

"Fahd has resurfaced. He is a key member in organizing attacks on several American, European and Russian targets."

"You are telling me this because?"

"When we were interviewing one of his people, he told us that there were smaller targets – personal targets – paybacks."

"Paybacks for what?"

"Paraguay."

Harm was on his feet. "That was over fifteen years ago."

"The man does not forget; he has lived in exile and obscurity for that long plotting his revenge on me, on Sarah and on you."

"When?" Harm was at a loss as to how to feel.

"Soon, very soon."

"And you are telling me this now?"

"This is the first I have heard of it," Webb defended.

"Excuse me Mr. Rabb?" His secretary looked panicked and confused. "Sir you need to turn on your TV. There has been an explosion at The Hague."

The set was turned on, but there was utter confusion on the site. Three bombs had gone off in various parts of the building. The reporters were reporting nothing that was news other than the target seemed to have been the Anti-Terrorism Conference. How ironic. Harm turned to Webb who was already on the phone with his people at the scene.

"I've got to go," Harm declared.

"Rabb, where are you going?"

"I have got to get to my kids and then I am going to Sarah."

"Rabb there is nothing -."

Harm was gone.

Harm got to Hailey first. If the news were going to travel fast, it would get to her. He pulled her out of class and as gently as he could he told her what he knew. It was not much. Hailey took it very well. She asked a lot of questions and accepted that he didn't know much. Then he pulled the boys out of class. David and Zander were a bit harder. They were both asking questions and not understanding why their father didn't know more. He got them to understand enough to let them go get Maya. Maya was at a different school and traffic was bad so it took him a while to get there. When they got there the principal met them at the door.

"I have been trying to reach you or your wife Mr. Rabb. Someone took Maya." The principal blathered on about some man she had never seen before coming on school grounds and taking Harm's daughter. She kept talking about calling the police and giving descriptions of the man and the car – a purple Taurus. Harm could barely make sense of it. "I don't know how, but they knew right where she would be." The principal was near tears herself.

His phone rang, force of habit made him answer. It was Webb telling him that Sarah was not in the conference room at the time of the explosion but she had still not been located.

"He took Maya," Harm stated.

"What?"

"The bastard took my daughter."

"Rabb he won't hurt her."

"You don't know that. I want everything you have on this --- ."

"Our intelligence says that he is not in the county."

"Then your intelligence is wrong. He is here. He did this himself. This is personal."

Harm clicked the phone off. He knew that Webb would do what he had to do get Harm the information to find Maya. Harm didn't stay to talk to the police. He directed them to call the CIA. He gathered his kids in the car and rushed them over to the admiral's house. AJ was waiting. He had of course seen the news about the bombing at The Hague. The news about Maya shocked him.

Harm needed a safe place to leave the kids while he went after her.

"Rabb!" AJ followed him out to the car. "You can't do this. You are going to get yourself killed."

"AJ, I will not sit by and do nothing while that man has my daughter."

"You don't even know where to start?"

"I'll find him."

"Rabb, think. Think for one minute. Webb is on it."

"Webb is the reason we are in this mess in the first place."

"Harm you have three other children that you need to think about as well. They may have just lost their mother, their sister is missing and now they are in danger of losing you. You need to think about what is best."

Harm looked up to the porch; the admiral's porch. His children were standing there being very brave. Hailey was nearly thirteen and the boys were twelve. He looked back at the admiral. For once he was going to take that man's advice.

The next hours were horrific. There was no news coming out of Europe other than 57 people were dead (so far), over 100 injured and still over half the building was in rubble. They were pulling bodies and survivors out at an excruciatingly slow pace. The news from Webb was not much more. They had a lead on who might have taken Maya. It was not Fahd himself, but a very close lieutenant and it was believed that they were going to take her out of the country.

Meredith came home. Harriet and Bud came over. Sturgis agreed to act as liaison between Harm and the CIA. Harm was a wreck and the kids rarely life his side. He needed to be strong for them but it was killing him not to be doing something.

Finally Webb came through with some real information – nearly twenty hours later. They believed that they had a line on where the lieutenant was holding Maya before they were to leave the country. Harm looked at his kids. There was still no word on Mac. The kids told him he had to go get Maya and bring her back home.

That was exactly what he did. He met up with Webb and the team that was going in – he was told to stay back. Harm 'stayed back' back enough to notice the house across the street. He recognized the man in the window. The team had the wrong house, off by one. It was Fahd. Harm called to the CIA team – it was too late, the house exploded. Harm was blown off his feet, but was up in moments. As if he were twenty-four not fifty-four, he dove through the front window of the other house, catching Fahd off guard. Threw him to the ground and demanded to know where his daughter was. Fahd nodded to the house across the way, which was completely engulfed in flames. Without a moment's hesitation, Harm put a bullet in Fahd's head.

The information had not registered to him yet. It appeared that Fahd was working this one alone. Two of the team from the CIA were alive (they had been blown away from the house), the other four and Webb were dead but the proof on that would take days, if then. Harm stood and watched the fire. Would he ever really know if Maya were in there? It would be just like Fahd to say she was when she wasn't to get him to stop looking. Killing him was the wrong move.

He was dazed and confused, but some how miraculously over the din and craziness of all that was going on, Harm heard Maya or Mac' voice – he could not be sure. He heard the voice in his head. She told him was OK but had better hurry – she was scared and hurt. Panic went through him. Was that Mac or Maya? Could either of them still be alive? He had nothing to go on, nothing to work from. Fahd was dead. Webb was dead. The voice persisted. Harm was unable to move from his position watching the house burn. The voice continued to drone in his head.

Something caught his eye. It was up the street –a man standing by a car, a purple car. The man ran as soon he saw that Harm had spotted him. Harm ran after him. He didn't know why, but he ran. By time he got to the where the man had been standing the voice in his head was so loud he could not hear himself think. The man was gone. There would be no way to catch him. Harm crumpled to the sidewalk. He refused to believe that he had lost both his wife and daughter in one day. The voice continued, it was begging him to find her. He pulled himself to standing and noticed the color of the car: purple. What was it about a purple car that seemed wrong or familiar to him?

"It was a purple car … a Taruas or Toyota," the principal's voice echoed in his head.

Harm looked in the window for something to let him know that this was the car. He saw Maya's shoe on the floor of the backseat. Something went off in him. He broke the window and found the trunk release. Maya was unconscious and had been bound and gagged. No one would have found her for days. He pulled her out of the car and untied her. She came around slowly and clung to her father for safety. She had been beaten and had several cuts and bruises, but it didn't appear that she had any broken bones. Who knows what Fahd's plan for her was, but clearly he wanted her alive and for the most part unharmed.

Fahd's plan for Mac was much worse, much more fatal.

:: :: :: :: E :: N :: D :: :: :: F :: L :: A :: S :: H :: B :: A :: C :: K :: :: :: ::

x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x

The kids had gone to bed late after several games of Trivial Pursuit and lots of laughing. Harm listened to them from upstairs. It reminded him of years ago, his kids laughing and playing games. Harm couldn't sleep again, a problem he was having on and off. He sat in her chair by the window and let his mind do what it had to do. That night the past was weighing heavily on his mind, the past, his mistakes and the promises he could not keep. He pulled out the photo album and flipped through the pictures, articles, report cards, whatever. It was more like a scrapbook, a history of the lives of the people he loved in good times and in bad.

He looked out to the garden that was now washed in moonlight. He thought about the wedding. How could any two people promise to love, honor and cherish until death when there was no way of knowing what the future held. There was no way of knowing the impact life would have on the individuals in a couple. Was it incredibly naive to make those promises or was it courageous? Did people really believe what they were saying when they said those vows? He did, but …. Could anyone really know how bad the future could be, and if they did could they really – in good conscience – make those vows? Harm thought he knew at the time, but their life together constantly took him by surprise and in directions he never expected them to go.

"Still having a problem sleeping," a soft familiar voice called to him.

"Never got used to sleeping alone," he said through the darkness.

"Should never have had to," she cooed back.

The light by the bed flicked on and there she was shrouded in the soft glow – his extraordinary wife.

"I'm sorry you missed your plane," he said gently looking at her and remembering how she looked the day they got married. "You would have had fun tonight."

"Pizza and Trivial Pursuit?" She smiled and crossed over to him.

Her limp was hardly noticeable anymore except on days that were very cold or wet. When the light crossed her face, the scar was all too noticeable, but only he could see the toll the invisible scars took. She was still the most beautiful woman he had ever known.

x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x

:: :: :: :: F :: L :: A :: S :: H :: B :: A :: C :: K :: :: :: ::

On that fateful day when Sadik Fahd took his revenge, Mac was caught in the rubble for over twenty-nine hours. She had been pinned under a beam that broke her pelvis. She had also been hit with flying glass in her arm and her face. She had lost a lot of blood. When they found her, no one expected her to make it – no one that is, except Harm. He had made it to the hospital after her surgery and before she woke up. It was Maya that told him to go. She said that their mother needed him. He left the kids with the admiral. They wanted to come, but he did not know what he would find when he got there. Maya convinced them remaining home was best.

What he found he would never forget. The fear and the pain were terrible to see in her eyes. She had nightmares and daymares – he never left her side. They had to restrain her because of her injuries, but the restraints reminded her of being trapped in the building. So they drugged her and the drugs caused more nightmares. It was the worst experience of both of their lives. He could do nothing but watch and she could do nothing but endure.

He didn't tell her about Maya for the first couple of days. She was already under so much strain. He did tell her that Fahd was dead and sadly so was Webb. When she was strong enough he had to tell her everything about the kidnapping, Webb's role and his own. Some how Mac already knew. She had said that in her nightmares she remembered being trapped and unable to get to the kids. The nightmares stopped over time. After five days, she was flown home to Bethesda to finish her recovery and rehabilitation, a rehabilitation that took a very long time. It took even longer for them to find each other again.

:: :: :: :: E :: N :: D :: :: :: F :: L :: A :: S :: H :: B :: A :: C :: K :: :: :: ::

x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x

"How long can they stay?" She asked kneeling down next to him.

"They are here for the wedding," he reached his hand out and touched her face. "Do you know how beautiful you are?"

"In your eyes," she said. "But they are they only ones that count."

He motioned for her to sit with him – rather ON his lap, the chair was not that big. She did. He wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her close. She was still very thin. They kissed.

"We weren't expecting you until tomorrow," he said closing his eyes and resting his head on her shoulder.

"I needed to be here, I got the earliest plane I could get," she sighed and waited for a moment. "Harm, I quit."

"Quit?"

"I quit my job – resigned my commission … position – took terminal leave – whatever you want to call it – I am done."

"For me?" He asked carefully knowing that he had asked her to retire many times but not wanting to push.

"For us. We will never have to sleep alone again."

x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x

:: :: :: :: F :: L :: A :: S :: H :: B :: A :: C :: K :: :: :: ::

When Mac was fully recovered physically from the bombing, she was not mentally. She went back to work and went back hard. It was as if she had a personal vendetta – a score to settle. Not so much for herself, although that was part of it, but because she had nearly lost her daughter and she did lose everyone she worked with that day. The deaths were unnecessary and unproductive. The world would come back at these extremists with a renewed fire and vengeance. Mac was part of that. She threw herself back into work.

Harm let her go at first. He understood the need to be proactive. Harm wound up pulling back from his job. He made a home office and did much of his work out of the house. The kids were old enough to look after themselves for the most part, but they still needed a parent around to supervise.

For many years Harm and Mac were mere roommates, ships passing in the night. Sharing the same bed was a matter of habit rather than a desire. She was away a lot and any home time she did have she spent with the kids. Harm was second – well actually third – a distant third. Obviously he was unhappy. He tried to talk to her about it on several occasions and they would always end up fighting. That was when Harm turned to alcohol to dull the voices in his head that told him he had failed and to help him live with the coldness of his bed without her there. It was a morning she was home just before running off to another conference that she finally noticed and noticed it as a problem.

"You're hung over," she accused when he came out of the bathroom.

"You are supposed to be gone," he snapped back at her.

"How much are you drinking?" She demanded.

"What difference does it make to you?"

She shook her head. "Don't do this to yourself, Harm."

"Again I ask; what difference does it make to you?"

"You are my husband," she stated as if that were enough of a reason.

"Is that what we are? I wondered. I have been wondering for quite some time."

"I can't talk to you when you are like this," she declared.

"Then you better run along."

"Fine," she picked up her briefcase and blasted out of the bedroom.

He heard the front door slam and the car door open and slam, but the car did not start. He waited.

A few minutes later she was back in the door of the bedroom. "What is going on, Harm?"

"Nothing."

"Something is going on."

"Not for us. Not for a long time. For you. For the kids. But you are never there for me. You are never there for us."

"Harm, I am right here."

"Sarah, you get up before I do, you come home after I am in bed – if on the off chance you are home you are running around with the kids. Did you know that I just landed a multi-million dollar account for the firm? Did you know that I was up for partner – again – and again turned it down? When was the last time we actually talked about anything other than the kids or your work? When was that last time you actually wanted me to touch you?"

At that Mac turned away. Since the bombing she felt damaged and undesirable. Nothing could have been further from the truth as far as Harm was concerned. He was afraid to be with her when she first got home, he didn't want to hurt her. Mac took that as disgust – she didn't see it in his eyes; she saw it through her own. As time passed, it got harder and harder to break that wall.

"That's right, Sarah, turn away. That's what you are good at."

She snapped back. "Go to hell."

"I'm living it sweetheart – hell ain't got nothing on sleeping next to the woman you love knowing that she doesn't want you to touch her."

"That is not true."

"It is true. You dress in the bathroom, you sleep in pajamas, you shrink away from me when I want to kiss you."

She was shaking her head trying to hold the tears back.

"I know I let you down. I know I promised to keep you all safe and protected -," he shed some tears of his own. "I couldn't do it. I'm sorry."

She stepped closer to him. "You think I hold you responsible for Fahd? You think that?"

"I swore to her that I would protect her and never let any one hurt her."

"Harm."

"I made those same promises to you."

"Harm, you can't make those promises; you're not God." She laughed a little. "I know that is hard for you to hear."

He looked away.

"Honey, you have never let any of us down," she came closer to him. "If anyone should have been able to stop him, it was me – it is my job," she touched his arm and he looked down into her eyes. "Do you hold me responsible?"

"No, no, don't be ridiculous," he turned completely to her and put his hand on her face. "I need you, Sarah. I miss you."

She trembled at his touch. It felt so right to have his hand on her. She took his hand to her lips. They were just about to kiss when her phone rang. He thought she looked relieved so he stepped away. She reluctantly answered the phone.

"MacKenzie … Jenna, good morning … Yes, I know. … I won't be there … I am going to need to cancel my appointments today and for the rest of the week. I have a family emergency. … No, no, nothing like that. … Everything will be fine, it just needs my undivided attention."

Harm turned back to her.

"No, I won't be available my cell. I am turning it off now. Leave messages and I will check in with you once a day. … I am sorry to drop this in your lap. … You are the best, Jenna. … Thank you," she was good to her word; she turned off her phone. "Ok," she asserted. "I have made the first step. You need to make the next one."

He looked confused.

"You need to get help for your drinking."

"I'll quit – I don't need help."

"Harm, please – for yourself. We can find a marriage counselor that can deal with both."

"Marriage counselor?"

"Yes. We are not going to fix this with one conversation and --," she wanted to say 'sex' but the idea of being exposed in the most intimate of ways with him was still frightening to her. She didn't know what she would do if she saw horror or disgust at her scars.

"Ok." He said gently. They stood looking at each other for a moment unsure of what to do next. "May I kiss you?" He asked like a teenager on a first date.

She nodded slowly and averted her eyes. If she were any other woman he would have thought that she was flirting with him, but she was truly scared.

He stepped up to her and very gently leaned down and kissed her tenderly on the lips. He pulled back enough to see her eyes. She had relaxed a little. They had passed one hurdle. He ran his fingers over her unscarred cheek and kissed her temple. He put his other hand to the other side and her hand was quickly there to stop him. He tilted her head back so she would be forced to look into his eyes. He let his fingers rest on hers and then directed them to outline the scar. Tears dripped from her eyes. He would not let her look away from him. Her hand dropped and for the first time since the bombing, he touched the mark left on her eternally beautiful face. Her eyes shut. He let his lips brush the mark that she wore like a shield since that fateful day. He felt her again relax just a little. He again kissed her lips but this time let his arm wrap around her and pull her to him.

Her resolve was weakening.

"I love you," he whispered. He would have told her that he found her beautiful, but somehow he knew she was not ready to hear that.

She wrapped her arms around his waist and held onto him tightly. "I love you," she said into his chest. "Make love to me," she said weakly.

He looked down at her. "When you are ready."

She looked up at him. "I am," she started unbuttoning her uniform blouse.

He stopped her with his hands. "We don't have to rush this."

His gentleness was a gift to her. "I won't tell you that I am not scared," she said.

"Of me?"

"Of what you will see and know about me."

"Sarah, everything I see and know about you is in your eyes."

She had finished unbuttoning her blouse and let it fall to the floor. She had only a camisole on, through it he could see the scar from the operation, he could see the other scars caused by explosion. Yes, he could see them and he had seen them before – his heart wrenched for the pain she endured.

He looked back into her eyes. Tears were streaming down her face. He wrapped her up in his arms and carried her to the bed. In ways more profound than words, he reassured her of his unyielding, unfaltering, undying love and for the first time in years, she allowed herself to be reassured.

They had found each other again.

:: :: :: :: E :: N :: D :: :: :: F :: L :: A :: S :: H :: B :: A :: C :: K :: :: :: ::

x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x

The day of the wedding arrived. People were hustling and bustling everywhere. Sarah was getting dressed when Maya knocked and came in.

"Mom, are you nervous?" she asked.

"Me? Shouldn't you be the one who is nervous?"

"I'm not the one renewing my wedding vows today," Maya pulled some lint off of Mac's dress.

"Honey, that is the great thing about renewing vows – you already know the ending – so you can enjoy every moment," she hugged her daughter.

Maya's experience with Fahd did leave a lasting effect, negatively on the rest of the family, but for Maya she was resolved to be a pacifist (in spite of her treatment of her brothers) and work for peace. She studied theology, joined the Peace Corps, and had become – the week prior – an ordained minister. Since she was raised in a military family, she understood the condition of war, but she was not an advocate. She worked for peace through understanding of different cultures.

As was said, Maya was the heart of the family and her voice was what was in their hearts. They boys did not want to go to war, they chose to look at what they did as a game, but they had yet to aim at live targets. They would rather have it a game. Hailey was also working for better foreign policy through her work at the White House.

When Harm and Sarah had decided to renew their wedding vows, it was Hailey who came up with the idea of Maya presiding over the ceremony.

The garden was perfect. The weather could not have been ordered better. All their friends and family were there as Sarah and Harm stepped up to pledge themselves, this time with a lot more witnesses.

Maya stepped up and addressed them. "Mom and Dad, in presenting yourselves here today to be rejoined in marriage, you are a testament to your enduring love for each other, your children and your friends. As you both well know, a lasting and growing love is not guaranteed by any ritual, but through living and surviving the good times as well as the bad."

Sarah turned to face Harm and spoke earnestly, "I offer you now not the summer of my life but the autumn, brisk and vibrant. I promise to be a companion worthy of your precious friendship. I pledge you compassion in good times and bad; encouragement in sickness and health. We'll cherish the memories of our past; and create new ones as we go from here together. I take you to be my partner to have and to hold from this day forward. I give to you my unending love and devotion. I promise to be true to you, to cherish you, and to share my thoughts, hopes, and dreams. I look forward to spending the rest of my life with you. I will love you forever my lover, my partner, my best friend, my husband."

Harm cleared his throat. "I married you with my eyes wide open not knowing the depth of the meaning of the vows that we took. Our path has not always been easy, but you never faltered and your love has kept me true. You have helped me let go of the past and I embrace our future. Because of you, I laugh, I smile, I remember with fondness, I dare to dream. I will continue to cherish and respect you all the days of our life together. Starting anew once again today. I give thanks that I have found you. I look forward with great joy to see what else life has in store for us for I know we will meet it together. I have loved you more each day since the day we met, my lover, my partner, my friend, my wife."

They pressed each other's hands and looked back at their daughter.

Maya continued, "If you would have the foundation of your marriage be the devotion you have for one another, not just at this moment, but for all the days that have passed, then treasure the hopes, the dreams and the memories that you bring here today. In your first twenty-five years you established that your love would never be blotted out by the common nor obscured by the ordinary in life. Nor would it be shaken by the extraordinarily difficult times you have faced."

Hailey, David and Alexander stepped up behind Maya. "I speak now for the children you have raised in your marriage. We have benefited from your wisdom, guidance and unconditional love. You have been an example of what it means to be truly friends and companions. As you two face this next phase of your lives, we offer our love and support."

"And we promise to call before we come over," Zander added.

Everyone laughed.

She looked out upon the guests. "The years shall bring Harm and Sarah into greater age and wisdom, we hope that their love shall be ever young; that they shall be able to always rejoice in their happiness and recover from moments of despair. Inasmuch as Harm and Sarah have declared their love to each other before family and friends; let us now again greet them as husband and wife."

The company of friends clapped and cheered.

"Dad, you may kiss your bride."

So there this saga has ended, as it began, in a garden, this time with a kiss.

x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x

The End

Author's Note on 3/2009

I wrote this five years ago (2/2004). I still can't believe the number of hits this story gets each month.

I have gone through and done a quick edit (probably still needs a professional), added a couple of bits, but for the most part left the story as it was.

If you are reading again, please drop a little note to say that it was a reread, if your first time, please let me know how you came to this story.

Thanks again.


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